Movie Review: Ghostbusters (2016)

I can’t recall a blockbuster that received so much hate prior to its release. I really can’t. Let’s be honest for a minute here. Ghostbusters is not a franchise enshrined in the hallowed halls of Hollywood. Let’s stop kidding ourselves. Ghostbusters was a great experience, Ghostbusters 2 noticeably less so. That is the end of the story. Seems short for a franchise, especially when we are readily acknowledging 2.0 didn’t have the same charm as the original. Remaking the Lord of the Rings would be criminal. Remaking Star Wars would be criminal. Remaking Ghostbusters? That’s just expected.

Do not confuse the words expected and necessary. They’re on opposite sides of the track. The world would have moved on without Ghostbusters 2016.

Alas, Ghostbusters 3.0 isn’t apocalyptic in quality nor blasphemous in its execution. What’s great about Paul Feig’s film is the long chain he affords both writer and cast. It leaves him little stopping power if his project descends into madness but the free roam approach in this comedy begets natural growth with some appropriate artifacts left through the screenplay to rekindle the 1984 experiment.

Ghostbusters otherwise hardly resembles the classic. It shares a title and the premise of ghosthunting. An organic dialogue transcript that is character (not plot) driven ensures a first time tour that carries a pinch of nostalgia. Feig wanted a similar, not linked, feature, a film that could succeed on its own.

Unlike Independence Day: Resurgence (thank God), the newest Ghostbusters relies on its own value, displaying a self-confidence requiring no special effects crutch. If anything, I would say at times the visuals are purposely average, almost a direct slap in the face to all critics, myself included, who have come to expect a remake/sequel to stutter step its way in front of the stage and display a silent dance behind a seizure-inducing light show and green screen extravaganza.

In what has been a dismal year in cinema, Ghostbusters is a welcome addition. A comedy that doesn’t take itself seriously is certainly a treat these days. Ghostbusters has the advantage of being released during a down year for movies, which may make it more appealing to me than it really is but I don’t think so. I think Ghostbusters female edition is genuinely good.

The cast is fine. Melissa McCarthy is not as large a presence as she usually is. She’s sharing the camera, allowing everyone to get their licks and kicks in. Kate McKinnon impresses me the most, presenting one of the most awkward and quirky characters in recent memory. You never know what’s coming from her. Easily the movie’s most likable character.

Although, the argument could be made that Chris Hemsworth is the star of the show as the bumbling idiot secretary. This is probably my favorite Hemsworth role. He, as well as the rest of the cast, reflect a laid-back attitude that relaxes audiences’ fears early on this is going to dissolve into a massive taxicab pileup in Times Square.

Feig’s film is light on its feet, bypassing any possible themes this production could have suggested, which I was okay with for this outing. Sometimes, a comedy with no message is just fine.

That doesn’t mean I plead ignorance here. There are a few items that are bothersome, especially when our villain is painted as a bully victim. The word “superficial” comes to mind. His character is drawn on tracer paper. Look, I loved tracer paper when I was a kid. As someone with little artistic talent, I found gratification in drawing something decent, even if it wasn’t my own. I stopped doing that because I grew up and realized how much more rewarding my own achievements could be.

Feig’s lack of caring in his characters’ nemesis would be startling if this wasn’t a comedy. With comedies, I can’t say I’m surprised by a general refusal to create character depth. At their most basic, comedies are meant to make us laugh. They often skip the story part. When taking into account how disastrous 2016 has been, I’ll take Ghostbusters for what it is: a fun time to the theater.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Captain America: Civil War, Deadpool, Avengers: Age of Ultron, The Avengers, The Babadook)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Olympus Has Fallen, The Cable Guy, The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Batman, Free State of Jones, The Running Man, 10 Cloverfield Lane, Creed)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Batman Forever, The Crow, Hardcore Henry, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Underworld, The Do-Over, X-Men: Apocalypse, D-Tox/Eye See You, Constantine)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Underworld: Evolution, Batman & Robin, Bloodsport, War, The Ridiculous 6)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Independence Day: Resurgence, The Crow: City of Angels, Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (Avalanche Sharks, Catwoman, The Gunman, The Visit, The Fantastic Four)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, The Forbidden Dimensions, Cyborg, Outcast, Sabotage)

My score for Ghostbusters: 73.

Ghostbusters is an average film I wouldn’t praise so much if I didn’t have such an entertaining experience with it. The cast is funny, Hemsworth unabashedly so and overall has the wit and charisma to succeed on its own scripture. Considering what the summer has had to offer, Ghostbusters has been one of the highlights.

Movie Review: Avengers: Age of Ultron

One of the most anticipated films of all-time, one of the biggest budgets of all-time and one of the most talked about casts of all-time. Did Avengers: Age of Ultron live up to the hype?

I watched this on Sunday so it’s been a week but the things Age of Ultron offers are lasting. Similar to a first impression that can’t be detached from your memory, Age of Ultron gives you a strong uppercut right out of the gates. Whedon holds no punches. The action is almost paralyzing given the amount of intensity and wonder filling these shots. The cinematography and Whedon’s tracking shots lead us by the hand through the battlefield and debris like a parent does a child crossing the street. The visual effects compliment the stunt choreography and the pounding of machines never gets old.

Yet people continue to criticize Whedon’s work, including ultra feminists harassing him on Twitter. The continued but unreasonable argument that “I don’t like it because it’s not like the comics” is for some reason still a thing.

The last time a superhero was modified in a movie and people didn’t lose their minds was Spider-Man in 2002. In 2012, Whedon practically slapped these people right in the face when Mark Ruffalo turned to the Avengers and said, “I’m always angry”, turned into the Hulk and smashed an alien ship in the face. You know what happened? Absolutely nothing. People loved it. Plenty of my friends said it was their favorite part aside from Hulk swinging and bashing Loki like a kid’s toy.

People loved it because it was something they had not seen before. It was creative. I respect anyone who has a comic book obsession but I have a serious problem with people defaming a film because it didn’t fit prior material. If there was one word to describe the film industry, creativity would be towards the top. That is what keeps people going. If no one made original ideas, what would the point be? What freedom exists in a monotonous, austere replication of past work? Yet these same people, after harassing Whedon for making his own creation, will then throw other films under the bus for being replicas of past ones, an utter double standard demonstrated by hypocrites.

Age of Ultron had the second-biggest opening day in history ($84.5 million), the second-biggest domestic opening weekend ($187.7 million) and has pulled in an estimated $627 million worldwide in 12 days. Apparently none of that matters. Somehow Whedon haters manage to forget The Avengers presented people with something they’d never seen before: a megafilm. Somehow they forget all of the success Whedon has had both financially and critically.

No matter what Whedon does, everyone isn’t going to be happy. Comic book nerds will outrage because of their shortsightedness and feminists feel the need to open their mouths about almost anything but the truth is the truth and nothing will change that. That truth is Whedon is underappreciated and a gift to Hollywood. It’s a shame so many people, both stupid and smart, haven’t recognized his talents.

If you don’t like Avengers: Age of Ultron, you’re probably one of these people and I pity you, I really do because you’re unable to see the true brilliance of Joss Whedon and man, is it beautiful.

Robert Downey, Jr. leads the pack with Chris Evans right behind. Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Elizabeth Olsen were not bad casts but there is room for improvement in both their roles and their acting fortes. They have some potential that hasn’t been brewed yet. Johansson and Renner are given the opportunity to shine as Black Widow and Hawkeye develop into story drivers.

There’s more impact in Age of Ultron. The Avengers lighthearted nature limited the depth the story could reach. Age of Ultron‘s nature at times mirrors Captain America: The Winter Soldier but Whedon knows when to tap the breaks and give us a laugh. The comedy in Age of Ultron far outreaches its predecessor, hanging right up there with Guardians of the Galaxy.

I think the reason I find myself lost for words is because Age of Ultron was really that good. The visual effects were killer, the scripting was much improved. I don’t know what to say.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (The Avengers, The Babadook, Interstellar, Chappie, American Beauty)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable Guy, The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Equilibrium, Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead, Snowpiercer, The Family, When the Game Stands Tall)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Black Sheep, Twisted, Parker, House at the End of the Street, The Raven)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Blitz, The Punisher, Drive Hard, Run All Night, Rage)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Crank, Erased, I, Frankenstein, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Colony, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Outcast, Sabotage, Gallowwalkers, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe)

My score for Avengers: Age of Ultron: 95.

This isn’t a good review and I’m sorry but let me sum it up like this: Avengers: Age of Ultron is a boss film. It’s the pump that runs our heart, the blood runs through our flesh, the bones that comprise our body. It’s that type of awesomeness. If living was watching Avengers: Age of Ultron on loop, I wouldn’t be upset. I’d be thrilled and you would be, too.

Movie Review: The Avengers

Joss Whedon’s comic book marvel flashed before our eyes in 2012 and few were disappointed. It was the first superhero bonanza to show up in theaters. It became the third-highest-grossing film of all-time. It became a legend.

The Avengers had the advantage of being the first of its kind. Never was such a big project undertaken, a money-hungry dog let loose by the leash of Marvel. This creature was given a $220 million dollar bone and enjoyed the chainless existence of a freelancer, able to investigate, say and create what it wanted.

I truly believe Whedon was given the golden goose. He directed it, he co-wrote the story and created the screenplay. The only metaphor applicable to the type of luxury and novelty Whedon enjoyed during this production is a child on Christmas. A cast list few can compete with, one of the largest “bones” to ever be handed out to a director and a partnership of Marvel and Disney? Joss Whedon was given the life people can only dream of and perhaps in this case, a dream very few can dream of.

I give Whedon props for delivering a Hulk-sized trophy film, an endeavor that made huge ripples in the world of cinema and reignited the comic book world. The Avengers served as a memento for the world and it still does today.

Robert Downey, Jr. proved to be the best of the bunch as Tony Stark. His utter disregard for others, Olympus-sized ego and flippant comedy sketches are some of the biggest highlights of the film as well as his evolution as a character. Comic book fanatics can argue who the best of the Avengers is all they want but Downey, Jr. is evidently the most-talented, though Chris Evans isn’t too far behind.

I’m still amazed Evans is the same dweeb who acted in 2005’s Fantastic Four. He had no bravado, no genuine energy and no talent but somewhere deep, perhaps in the bowels of Mordor, Evans discovered his natural ability to draw the camera to that charming face of his. While Captain America: The First Avenger was nowhere close to where it should have been in terms of production and quality, Evans held the film together and then opened his jaws for The Winter Soldier and really showed us how far he could go. While The Avengers gets nowhere as complex as The Winter Soldier in its story, its got some seriousness to it but not so serious that the lighthearted fall out of touch with it. A lot of that is provided by Evans. Keep it up, Cap. Looking forward to Civil War.

I’ve got to give a small hand of applause to Mark Ruffalo for giving us a Hulk film that doesn’t make us want to barf all over. The Incredible Hulk has proved incredible in the past couple years, incredible at turning A-listers into actors comparable to Hayden Christensen. Edward Norton is a great actor. He did not look like one in The Incredible Hulk and to my knowledge, Marvel is staying away from Hulk films for the time being. It’s a shame because there’s a great actor there now in Mark Ruffalo who finally calmed the beast down and got him to stop looking stupid. Mostly known for rom-coms, Ruffalo showed another realm in The Avengers and also in Foxcatcher, which I read good reports on. That was my one main concern regarding The Avengers, was the Hulk was going to destroy everything. Actually, I guess he does kinda destroy everything but I mean the film, not all the baddies that had it coming. Hulk Smash!

Finally, Chris Hemsworth. I know we’re all in love with those beautiful locks of his and are bedazzled by that bod but to this point, the guy has demonstrated little acting ability and continues to pour me vinegar when I asked for a martini. The Thor movies are the worst of the newest Marvel films by far, especially Thor: The Dark World, my crowned champion of 2013 Worst Film of the Year. The stories are toothless and present no suspense, supporting cast or logical story line. There might have been more plot holes in Thor: The Dark World than there are craters on the moon. All this said, the guy’s not terrible, he’s just not good. He’s satisfactory, average. He fills the role and I completely understand that it’s too late to recast but I wish Marvel would have looked elsewhere when they decided to pick the Norse god. Brad Pitt or Ben Foster both would have worked for me.

It’s also important to mention our lead villain, Loki. Tom Hiddleston’s performance was a few pegs higher than in Thor and provided that acidic twist a film like this needed. One of the main complaints about Guardians of the Galaxy was its underwhelming villain, a problem The Avengers never had. Samuel L. Jackson makes everything so much better as does the beautiful Scarlett Johansson.

Jeremy Renner is probably the only outlier in this cast but only because the development of the character is not there, mainly because of a plot point. It’s a minor thing but it’s still a thing. When a movie’s this great, you have to get picky.

My only other comment is the drag in the opening scenes. It takes a while for things to get going because we have to introduce each hero, have their little hurrah moment and move on to the next one. It’s like going on a long vacation but before you get on the road, you have to stop at five different locations and pick all these people up. It’s a bit of a hassle. A necessary one but still.

Aside from those two things, The Avengers is all the hype. The action is state-of-the-art special effects with stunning visuals and an adrenaline booster. The characters are brought out with dashes of humor and the story is there. It’s the superhero tribute we waited for.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (The Babadook, Interstellar, Chappie, American Beauty, Gone Girl)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable Guy, The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Equilibrium, Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead, Snowpiercer, The Family, When the Game Stands Tall)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Black Sheep, Twisted, Parker, House at the End of the Street, The Raven)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Blitz, The Punisher, Drive Hard, Run All Night, Rage)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Crank, Erased, I, Frankenstein, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Colony, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Outcast, Sabotage, Gallowwalkers, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe)

My score for The Avengers: 96

Three years removed from where it all began and not even a week after its sequel released, The Avengers remains in cinema trophy cases and on millions of bookshelves for its “first shot heard ’round the world” epic. With impressive visual effects, concrete scripting and big-name cast, The Avengers has lost no spark nor has it faded into the recesses of our minds. The Avengers is very much alive.

Movie Review: The Cabin in the Woods

Horror films don’t fly with me.

There are a few reasons for that. I highlighted some of them during my overview of You’re Next. One of the main qualms I have with the genre is the predictability. They never seek to amaze me. No, really, I was being serious. They really don’t.

In terms of what to take away from horror films, I don’t think there is such a thing. There are some great examples of how the genre can succeed. Two of my personal favorites are Silence of the Lambs and The Shining. They are so creepy and spine-tingling but they still find time to create enticing characters. They are not films illuminating aspects of life like corruption or never trust your friends or something like that. These are two extremely well-written works that scare the living crap out of you. I just saw The Shining for the first time this summer and oh my gosh, I will never be able to look at Jack Nicholson again without thinking of that.

In my opinion, that’s what the genre is so good at. It leaves a particular type of impression, usually a print no other genre can facilitate. No matter how ruthless you make a character in an action film or drama, it can’t muster the same effect as a horror story can.

With that said, some people take the genre into realms the original creators of the genre never meant for it to go. I watched half of one of the Saw movies once, unwillingly I might add. It was one of the scariest things I ever watched but it was so screwed up. There was no impression to be made. The only thing it succeeded in doing was making me curl up in the fetal position. There were no characters, just hollow people waiting to be chopped up, burned alive or tortured in nearly every way imaginable. There was no point to it all. It was just unbridled chaos. It was not fun.

You might have noticed I named two older films as my favorites of the genre. There’s a reason for that. Back in 1980 and 1991, when The Shining and Silence of the Lambs were released, respectively, writers and directors still understood the entertainment that was to be had from horror. It was not to cause panic attacks, crippling helplessness, or display satanic, sadistic and heinous story acts. Directors today seem to think painting the most gruesome, sickening images they can think of will get them in the good graces of the genre’s most loyal fans. The remainder seem to think a few jump scares and pretty faces will do the trick.

Should horror films scare us? Yes. Should we be forever scarred from them for the rest of our lives? Definitely not. A healthy medium is required here. As with most films, the genre needs to rely on characters. What made The Shining so great? A Stephen King adaptation, Stanley Kubrick directing and an award-worthy performance from Jack Nicholson. What made Silence of the Lambs so great? It won the big five Academy Awards: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Adapted Screenplay. Do you know Anthony Hopkins had less than 20 minutes of screen time as Hannibal Lecter? Yet he was so on point, so involved and so suspiciously evil everyone was scared of Hopkins for a while. I’m sure everyone was afraid to be in a room alone with that guy.

I’m not sure I can name a horror movie made in the last five years I’ve seen that I cared for. Open Grave was lethal. Don’t subject yourself to it or you might dig your own grave. You’re Next was stupid but not intolerable. Based off the trailers and reviews I read from the WordPress blogging community, not only are the horror movies of today not worth seeing, they’re detrimental to life expectancy.

So when I come upon a treat like The Cabin in the Woods, I know I’ve got to give it the high praise it deserves. Many moons ago, I read reviews from the forum about the bewildering phenomenon it was. Apparently, it was a ground-breaking story and a big hit for the genre. I read it wasn’t overly scary and it made fun of horror films.

Based off those few tidbits, you can count me in.

So I watched it on Netflix last night and I was really confused at the beginning. I actually re-watched the first eight minutes to make sure I didn’t accidentally skip something. I never go back to the beginning when I start a film for the first time. Never.

That’s what The Cabin in the Woods is. It’s one of those rare exceptions to all the rules. It finds its way to dark humor that is effective rather than corny. It’s got some head-scratching scenes that return to shock you later.

Because it’s one of those films, I can’t discuss a lot of the things I usually would. It’s best to go in blind when you watch this. Trust me, you don’t want to know anything about it.

It’s not the acting or special effects that make it great. It’s what I discussed earlier that does: the characters and story. Joss Whedon produced and wrote the script with director Drew Goddard. Whedon’s ability to change things up and keep it fresh is especially notable here. This does not feel like another wasted canvas used for a shoddy, good-for-nothing story, trick-or-treat scare tactics and undercooked characters. It carries originality and surprise twists. Dare I say, I care about these characters. Do you know how many times I’ve uttered the phrase, “I care about these characters” when discussing a horror movie? Probably twice.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Jack Reacher, Godzilla)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(When the Game Stands Tall, Black Hawk Down, Red Dawn(2012), Maleficent, Rise of the Planet of the Apes)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Rubber, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Transporter, Speed)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Expendable 3, Homefront, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Vantage Point, The Starving Games)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Gallowwalkers, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe, Watchmen, Clash of the Titans)

My score for The Cabin in the Woods: 86.

Sadly, I can’t go into more depth because this film will never be better than the first time you watch it but The Cabin in the Woods is a revolutionary product not just for filmmaking but for the genre. Even if you’re not a fan of horror, I think you’ll find Whedon’s influence here worth the watch by itself.

Movie Review: Red Dawn (2012)

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this and an even longer time since I’ve seen the original. This is a remake of the 1984 version and I’ll be sure to give that a watch sometime but for now, I’m looking at the remake.

Red Dawn is going off the premise that the U.S. is invaded and colonized by North Korea and a band of teenagers engage in guerrilla warfare in the hopes they can get back the free and proud nation that once was. I personally don’t see this ever happening simply because our country’s military far outranks any in the world but it’s still a prolific idea for a movie. The concept of an invasion opens the door for living in the moment, what it would be like if it would happen. What would you do and who would you take along for the journey?

There are quite a few societal topics and camaraderie angles thrown in, which is to be expected but it never feels like it was tacked all over the metaphorical corkboard so you can’t see anything else. It’s put where it belongs and it works well. A bunch of strangers coming together as a small entourage of bandits, fighting for family, friends, their homes and their country. It’s as simple as that and sometimes simplicity is all we’re really looking for. Sometimes I think Hollywood overdoes things whether visually or what the film is trying to say and it all ends up being too much paint on the paintbrush, leaving smudges and smears all over what would have been a decent painting had it not been for the creators’ ambition getting in the way. Sometimes it pays to discover and sometimes it doesn’t. It always pays to be prudent and think things through before you show it to the rest of the world because you know people like me are going to nitpick every little thing.

That’s what I like about Red Dawn. It knows what it is, what it wants to say and who it wants to say it to. Given, this is a remake, all those things were already put in the groundwork but I still feel like this remake does a fairly decent job of leaving its own touch and being remembered as Red Dawn, not as the remake. It’s not trying to be better than the original, although I have to admit this was pretty well done so the original has a lot to hold up to.

The action was tense at points and more subtle when it was more of a diversion. The acting is fair for most of the supporting cast though I don’t think this film relies much on characters or script but rather empathy. If none of your emotions arise during this film, I doubt you’ll like it because that’s this film’s crutch. It doesn’t have much else to go on. The plot’s straightforward and the characters are pawns in the puzzle. Read your lines and put some heart into it and nine times out of ten you’ll be good. The character connection aligns itself with empathy in this film because those two areas go hand in hand here.

Josh Peck embraces the spotlight for the first time in a long time after his hiatus from the screen after Drake and Josh ended. Man, I loved that show. His acting chops haven’t slackened at all because of the many things pushing this movie forward, the most fruitful are the scenes between Peck and Chris Hemsworth. Some things have grown between them but they fight through them together and always prove to be brothers in the end, a brotherhood in the long list of brotherhoods that such a situation would incur.

Despite all the good, I have to admit I don’t feel like it’s a movie I’m likely to watch again because as good as it is, there’s only so much you can do with your philosophical pantomimes on-screen. I’m always engaged but still feel like a stranger to most of the cast and maybe that’s what this film was trying to do, to reinforce the point that even strangers can come together and fight for something they believe in. With that being said, there isn’t a lot of character development and that does drag this film down from scoring higher.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Jack Reacher, Godzilla)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(Maleficent, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Transporter 2, Battle: Los Angeles, Skyfall)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Transporter, Speed, Godzilla(1998), The Incredible Hulk)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Vantage Point, The Starving Games, You’re Next, Thor)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice, The Contract)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Clash of the Titans, A Haunted House 2, Open Grave, Alien 3, Dark Fury)

My score for Red Dawn: 76.

The Red Dawn remake doesn’t falter so much as it undercuts its potential, but notable performances from Josh Peck and Chris Hemsworth keep this from falling into the pit of disappointing sequels/remakes.

Movie Review: Thor

After seeing the great atrocity that was Thor: The Dark World, I decided to view the first one, one that I believe I may have seen before but it’s been a very long time since I did so.

All the cast is the same, something I wasn’t looking that forward to aside from seeing Tom Hiddleston on-screen again. That guy really knows how to do the one-liners and I could see him taking on a couple of comedy roles in the future. Anyway, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is an arrogant, proud, war-addicted soldier, who decides to attack the Frost Giants on their home turf to impress his father and while he does kill a lot of them, he starts a war instead of impressing Odin. Odin (Anthony Hopkins) banishes Thor to Earth after stripping away his powers in the hopes that Thor will learn the virtues of humility, wisdom, or should I say WisTIM? Sorry, I just had to throw that in there. Anyway, he falls to Earth and is immediately hit by a car, driven by Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and the rest of her gang.

The dialogue comes across as cheesy and the action scenes had lots of room to improve. Every time anyone is looking for Thor, he’s probably behind a car, because it seems like he’s hit by a car every half hour. Also, Jane Foster doesn’t know how to drive.

I care about Thor, but not really anyone else. Everyone else comes across as insincere or stupid, neither of which I have an affinity or liking for. Thor’s character-change seems to be brought up too fast and he just doesn’t pull it off well enough for it to be convincing, not that the script gave him much room to do so in the first place.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z, 42, Just Go With It, Real Steel)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (White House Down, Jobs, The Truman Show, The Hunger Games, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Usual Suspects, 21 Jump Street, Escape Plan, Captain America: The First Avenger, Dawn of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Disaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Along Came Polly, Aliens, Alien Resurrection, Full Metal Jacket)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black, Alien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears, Thor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy, Dark Fury, Alien 3)

My score for Thor: 59.

This movie’s plot is of little interest to me as are most of its characters. Jane Foster is still annoying and the romance doesn’t feel real for me. This movie was made so that everyone knew who Thor was when The Avengers came out and that is the only reason.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

This movie has a few plot holes, but ones that I don’t care to waste my time talking about. However, there’s one in particular that is a must.

At the end of the movie, Thor breaks the rainbow bridge to stop the Frost Giants’ world from being destroyed and Odin awakes from his coma and is able to transport himself to the end of the bridge to catch Thor right as he and Loki are falling off. I’m sorry, perhaps I missed something, but how did Odin a) wake up at the precise moment that Thor and Loki fell off the rainbow bridge and b) manage to get all the way to the end of the bridge to catch Thor? He needed a horse to go through the portal to get to the Frost Giants’ planet, giving the illusion that he went across the rainbow bridge on horseback, meaning he cannot teleport or fly, or so it seems. Does he have that power and if he doesn’t then HOW THE HECK DID HE GET OVER THERE?!!!

Movie Review: Thor: The Dark World

The sequel to Thor hit theaters this month and while I’m not a fan of Thor, I thought I’d go see it for the heck of it and to let you guys know what I thought of it.

First, they give us some mandatory background information about the Aether,  a weapon that the dark elf Malekith intended to use to make the whole universe fall into darkness. However, Odin’s father, Bor, succeeded in capturing the Aether and storing it in a secret place where no one could find it. Unless you’re Natalie Portman of course, then you can happen to fall in every pitfall and dung heap on the planet, finding every not-of-this-earth thing, and nearly ending the world’s existence as well as billions of human lives, all for the sake of science.

In case you haven’t gotten the hint yet, I don’t like Jane Foster. She’s the most hopeless person yet Thor still cares for her and I’ll never know why, especially when he’s got Sif the warrior princess on his side, who has more smarts, virtues, and looks then Foster.

Foster manages to find the Aether after being sucked through a doorway by who knows what and this is after they find a floating tractor trailer in an abandoned warehouse and a portal that makes things disappear and reappear right above the portal only to disappear again and the cycle continues, except that sometimes it doesn’t work but no one knows why or will find out.

So starts a movie with some of the worst screenwriting in the history of cinema. If you want to talk about convenient circumstances in film, here’s a movie for you. You need more conflict? Here’s yet another useless subplot. There are so many conflicts that could have been avoided if our heroes would have just used their brains. You think it can’t get worse but it does.

The movie tries to give us some entertainment through Loki’s one-liners, but Tom Hiddleston can only do so much. Chris Hemsworth as well as Hiddleston are worthy of much better material then this and I have a hard time believing that they were happy with the final product. The supporting cast aside from Hiddleston is mediocre at best if not worse, although it’s not the actors. It’s the guys giving them their scripts.

I had no interest in finishing this movie it was so terrible. The action scenes aren’t even worth the wait. The third act is hard to follow and I’ll explain why in the spoiler’s edition. The filmmakers try to intertwine the story with earth’s fate except that it’s far too confusing to accomplish. The scientists try to explain the situation through complicated scientific jargon that no one who isn’t in that area of expertise can follow, which means that we miles be listening to babies trying to shout off the theory of relativity because that happening has the same chance of success as the audience understanding what the heck is going on.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z, 42, Just Go With It, Real Steel)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (White House Down, Jobs, The Truman Show, The Hunger Games, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Usual Suspects, 21 Jump Street, Escape Plan, Captain America: The First Avenger, Dawn of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Disaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Total Recall, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Along Came Polly, Aliens, Alien Resurrection)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black, Alien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy, Dark Fury, Alien 3)

My score for Thor: The Dark World: 29.

There’s no character connection to speak of and it is subplot and plot hole galore up in here. Natalie Portman makes me want to throw up she’s so bad. I haven’t done that many facepalms during one movie in a long time.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

First, how the heck does Foster find that floating tractor trailer? How has no one besides those kids found that thing yet? What pulled her through that doorway and better still, how was it that the portal she happened to go through happened to put her right next to the Aether, the same place that Odin’s father, Bor, said no one would find it? Did a portal just happen to materialize right next to the thing and if so, how did that happen? Does the Aether have the power to create portals? How does she get transported back but have no recollection of what just happened? Did anyone else find that a little convenient?

The gatekeeper said that he could see 10 million souls and the instant that Foster is fused with the Aether, he says he can’t see her. This suggests that he has the eyes of a hawk, correct? Remember that, because I’m going to come back to that. I’m trying to do everything in chronological order. Thor picks her up and takes her back to Asgard and the nurses look her over and then Odin comes in, except that the nurses turn off the monitors that show there’s some red specimen in her right before he comes in. Don’t you think your king might want to take a look? Then someone touches her and gets shocked back. Why is it that Thor can touch her and nothing happens to him? Then Odin’s like, “What’s this?” You mean no one was told a bedtime story about this battle that happened hundreds of years ago that involved one of the most powerful forces known to man? No one wrote anything down? Malekith wakes up as soon as the Aether is moved. Does he have a physical connection to it? We have to assume that’s the case because he seems to know where it is at all times.

One of Malekith’s loyal companions volunteers to turn himself into a Kursed, an enhanced warrior, and joins the prisoners from the assault earlier in the movie without anyone noticing him so that he can cause havoc inside Asgard and destroy the shields which I’ll discuss soon. There’s like 20 prisoners maximum. You mean the Asgardian troops can’t remember the faces of 20 people and see that guy wasn’t one of them?

Malekith comes in an armada that has camouflage shields on and the guy with the eyes of a hawk doesn’t see them until they’re right in front of his face. I thought you could see 10 million souls, dude? You telling me if they have shields you can’t see diddly-squat? Then the artillery guys are already at their posts even though they weren’t warned about the army coming. Do those guys man their artillery guns every time there’s a prison break? Speaking of prison breaks, the loyal companion dude turns himself into a Kursed and breaks the prison shield in like three punches. How can their shields be that bad? If the cells are that easy to break out of, then why hasn’t Loki attempted an escape yet? Odin sends a couple guards to guard the shield generator even though Odin is the one with the power stick. Seconds after the shields are turned on, the Kursed knocks them out. If the shields are that important, why isn’t Odin there with the guards to protect it? What’s he doing during this whole invasion anyway? Better yet, why aren’t the shields on all the time?

After Thor’s attempt to destroy the Aether fails (by the way, was anyone surprised that it didn’t work? And Loki dying? Really? That’s never going to happen.), Thor and Foster happen to find the portal that goes back to the warehouse with the floating tractor trailer. Are you kidding me? That doesn’t happen!!! There’s a bunch of scenes with Kat Dennings, and while I love her, why is she in this movie? Better yet, why is any of Foster’s entourage in this? They’re not necessary to the story and it’s just distracting the audience from what we actually care about: Thor! Denning’s character is about to be killed by some of the dark elves, but the intern finds a floating car and slams it down on them. What?! He’s not Superman, what the heck? That’s so stupid! The whole fight scene between Thor and Malekith, they keep getting thrown into invisible portals and sent all over the universe. Thor keeps asking for his hammer, but the hammer keeps leaving earth to try to find Thor in an alternate dimension, then Thor’s back on earth so the hammer has to turn around and fly back and then Thor’s transported again and the cycle continues. The hammer doesn’t even know what the heck is going on! Why are there so many portals to alternate dimensions all over the place? I’m pretty sure this would never happen. Also, Thor manages to defeat Malekith, who has the power of the Aether, with MAN-MADE TECHNOLOGY!!! Are you kidding me?! One of the most powerful forces in the universe controlled by an Elf king and all you need is some scientific hardware to defeat him?! THAT’S SO STEWPID!!!!!!!!! Once they finally get the Aether, Thor’s friends are told to get it to a collector because “it’s dangerous to have two power stones together.” You just spent the whole movie getting this thing and now that you finally have it you’re going to give it to some collector guy instead of just putting it in a different place in your city or better yet, hiding it in a different place where random portals don’t appear out of thin air?! Then to end the movie, Loki actually didn’t die, although I think everyone knew this or should have known this. Loki shape shifted into the same soldier that he transformed into when he was joking with Thor on their way to encounter the elvin king that he shape shifts into when he goes to kill Odin. This movie is so stupid! These screenwriters should never be allowed to write again. And just for the sake of it, there were 34 question marks in the spoiler’s edition because this movie makes no sense.