Movie Review: Catwoman

Ugh. Ugh. UGH.

2004’s Catwoman has a lot of accolades to its name and it’s not shy about them. The feline fiasco received seven Golden Raspberry nominations in 2005, including Worst Supporting Actress, Worst Supporting Actor and Worst Screen Couple. It won the Razzies for Worst Picture, Worst Actress, Worst Director and Worst Screenplay.

And guess what? Catwoman deserves all of it.

It’s universally-accepted to be one of the worst superhero movies ever made and 15 minutes in, it’s blatantly obvious. For some reason, Catwoman director Pitof decided to make a city of CGI rather than take a camera up in a helicopter for a panoramic shot. If the CGI didn’t look like it came out of a Windows 97, I might not have a problem with it.

What doesn’t make sense about Catwoman, among other things, is that Pitof built his reputation on visual effects. Watching Catwoman, I wouldn’t blame you if you thought Pitof had never picked up a camera before. There are a few animation sequences that are far too noticeable, the camera work isn’t smooth and the film’s excessive reliance on CGI becomes bothersome quickly. The cat was out of the bag early.

How do you feel about puns? I’ve always fancied them but I also think we all know there’s a time and place for them. Another of Catwoman‘s shortcomings is its inability to establish tone. The first bit is excessively corny and easy to dislike for its falsity. If you’re going to act, try to make it genuine.

For some reason, Catwoman has to love cat nip and go through cans of tuna like candy. It’s so trivial and manufactured that it’s impossible to remove any sincerity from this work. Some scenes feel like they were directed by a music video director and others remind me of a direct-to-video movie.

Then we move to what is supposed to be a more serious segment as we begin to realize Catwoman’s origin story but it’s genuinely hard to keep a straight face with a CGI cat devouring the camera and Halle Berry left twitching like someone addicted to narcotics.

Pitof doesn’t fully commit to the serious story of character rebirth and discovery. Instead, Catwoman is filled with a haphazard effort that’s scared of committing to any one element and leans on cat puns to spur some sort of entertainment for the sad souls that chose to watch it. Purrrrrrretty good.

These cat puns are not only exorbitantly awkward and deserving of an excessively long slow clap, it makes you start to hate puns altogether after a while. I didn’t laugh during this film and I expelled rage and agitation often.

Now we go to the ongoing, never-ending battle of bad movies. What’s worse: the acting or the plot?

It’s not an easy answer, but I have to go with the plot. Catwoman must stop a cosmetic company from releasing a product with dangerous side effects. Oh no! Not the evil cosmetic company! What will we ever do?

It might be the least interesting superhero plot ever written, even worse than 2015’s Fantastic Four. It was a well-deserved Worst Screenplay Razzie. Coupled with this is the acting that was nominated for not one, not two, but three Razzies, four if you count the Worst Screen Couple.

Sharon Stone is given nothing to work with and is left with a predictable, amateurish villain, a pothole that superhero films have continued to fall in again and again and again. With no strong counterpart, it only makes Halle Berry’s lead role look even worse than it is. Catwoman could easily be confused with a stripper on speed. It’s also unknown how she goes through such a drastic personality change. Becoming a superhero gives some confidence. It shouldn’t change the whole way they approach life. Done talking about this.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Avengers: Age of UltronThe AvengersThe BabadookInterstellarChappie)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable GuyThe Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (CreedScouts Guide to the Zombie ApocalypseCrimson PeakThe MartianBlack Mass)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pride and Prejudice and ZombiesThe Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2Beasts of No NationTerminator: GenisysBlack Sheep)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (EverestHerculesThe SentinelMad Max: Fury RoadBlitz)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (War, The Ridiculous 6The Lost BoysZombeaversCrank)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (CenturionPlanet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The GunmanThe VisitThe Fantastic FourThe Boy Next DoorThe Colony)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Coed and the Zombie StonerThe Forbidden DimensionsCyborgOutcastSabotage)

My score for Catwoman: 26.

In what was the first of a long list of Warner Bros. messing up again (Constantine) and again (Superman Returns) and again (Watchmen) and again (Jonah Hex) and again (Green Lantern), Catwoman deservedly stands as one of the worst comic book films ever made.

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