Movie Review: Catwoman

UGH.

2004’s Catwoman has a lot of accolades to its name and it’s not shy about them. The feline fiasco received seven Golden Raspberry nominations in 2005, including Worst Supporting Actress, Worst Supporting Actor and Worst Screen Couple. It won the Razzies for Worst Picture, Worst Actress, Worst Director and Worst Screenplay.

And guess what? Catwoman deserves all of it.

It’s universally-accepted to be one of the worst superhero movies ever made and 15 minutes in, it’s blatantly obvious. For some reason, Catwoman director Pitof decided to make a city of CGI rather than take a camera up in a helicopter for a panoramic shot. If the CGI didn’t look like it came out of a Windows 97, I might not have a problem with it.

What doesn’t make sense about Catwoman, among other things, is Pitof built his reputation on visual effects. Watching Catwoman, I wouldn’t blame you if you thought Pitof had never picked up a camera before. There are a few animation sequences far too noticeable, the camera work isn’t smooth and the film’s excessive reliance on computer graphics becomes bothersome quickly. The cat was out of the bag early.

How do you feel about puns? I’ve always fancied them but I also think we all know there’s a time and place for them. Another of Catwoman‘s shortcomings is its inability to establish tone. The first bit is excessively corny and easy to dislike for its falsity. If you’re going to act, try to make it genuine.

For some reason, Catwoman has to love cat nip and go through cans of tuna like candy. It’s so trivial and manufactured that it’s impossible to remove any sincerity from this work. Some scenes feel like they were directed by a music video director and others remind me of a direct-to-video movie.

Then we move to what is supposed to be a more serious segment as we begin to realize Catwoman’s origin story but it’s genuinely hard to keep a straight face with a CGI cat devouring the camera and Halle Berry left twitching like someone addicted to narcotics.

Pitof doesn’t fully commit to the serious story of character rebirth and discovery. Instead, Catwoman is filled with a haphazard effort that’s scared of committing to any one element and leans on cat puns to spur some sort of entertainment for the sad souls that chose to watch it. Purrrrrrretty bad.

These cat puns are not only exorbitantly awkward and deserving of an excessively long slow clap, it makes you start to hate puns altogether after a while. I didn’t laugh during this film and I expelled rage and agitation often.

Now we go to the ongoing, never-ending battle of bad movies. What’s worse: the acting or the plot?

It’s not an easy answer but I have to go with the plot. Catwoman must stop a cosmetic company from releasing a product with dangerous side effects. Oh no! Not the evil cosmetic company! What will we ever do?!

It might be the least interesting superhero plot ever written, even worse than 2015’s Fantastic Four. It was a well-deserved Worst Screenplay Razzie. Coupled with this is the acting nominated for not one, not two, but three Razzies, four if you count the Worst Screen Couple.

Sharon Stone is given nothing to work with and is left with a predictable, amateurish villain, a pothole superhero films can’t help but step in. With no strong counterpart, it only makes Halle Berry’s lead role look even worse than it is. Catwoman could easily be confused with a stripper on speed. It’s also unknown how she goes through such a drastic personality change. Becoming a superhero gives some confidence. It shouldn’t change the whole way they approach life. Done talking about this.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Avengers: Age of Ultron, The Avengers, The Babadook, Interstellar, Chappie)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable Guy, The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Creed, Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, Crimson Peak, The Martian, Black Mass)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, Beasts of No Nation, Terminator: Genisys, Black Sheep)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Everest, Hercules, The Sentinel, Mad Max: Fury Road, Blitz)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (War, The Ridiculous 6, The Lost Boys, Zombeavers, Crank)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Gunman, The Visit, The Fantastic Four, The Boy Next Door, The Colony)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, The Forbidden Dimensions, Cyborg, Outcast, Sabotage)

My score for Catwoman: 26.

In what was the first of a long list of Warner Bros. messing up again (Constantine) and again (Superman Returns) and again (Watchmen) and again (Jonah Hex) and again (Green Lantern), Catwoman deservedly stands as one of the worst comic book films ever made.

Movie Review: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Here’s the thing with Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It’s just not that good.

Some zombie movies are not meant to be analyzed and critiqued and documented like a medical examiner over a corpse. Some are meant to be torn apart with hacksaws and thrown in a receptacle labeled, “Danger: Hazardous Material” and thankfully so, considering some of the truly deprecating material that comes out of the film industry in the early months of every new year. Burr Steers, aside from having an intriguing name, is an unknown and will stay that way with his directorial style. This Jane Austen parody is far better than the film from 2005 but it’s not because of Steers’ ability to properly diagnose classic literature, his technique in panning the camera, choreographing stunts or developing imaginable characters. No, Steers’ asset is his own inadequacy. Steers is unable to attain any real cement in his mixing pot, anything excessively heavy that makes the popcorn bag feel a lot heavier. Instead, he just keeps spinning that wooden spoon. I may or may not be referencing a famous Adam Sandler film here. Moving on.

No, what Steers does is make this liquid I guess you could say is about as appetizing as getting an ice cream cone at McDonald’s for a dollar because let’s be honest, what you’re eating is not ice cream, both because you got it from McDonald’s and because it’s a dollar, which if that doesn’t raise your suspicion about what you’re putting in your mouth than I don’t know what will. Eventually, how low a price is shouldn’t comfort you anymore but disturb you, but I digress. Basically, Steers isn’t the guy you want doing the icing on your wedding cake.

Where Steers belongs in the bakery, to keep the metaphor going, is in the batter mixing, because believe it or not ladies and gents, it’s actually incredibly difficult to make something with zombies excessively unappetizing. Throw some fair makeup and visual effects in there, give us a hero or heroine either somewhat admirable or scares the life out of us and you are going to find an audience that will pay money for that. It doesn’t have to be spellbinding, glossy or overly dramatic though that is what the loyalists of the genre would prefer most days. However, when you’re as starved for a movie as I am in a series of what can only be described as after products of IBS, then your standards slowly start to sink like the ice cream off the cone. In most circumstances, you’d be more than upset. In fact, you’d probably get on CNN for giving that employee a dissertation on the non-importance of the fast food industry and minimum wage movement but that day is not today. No, this time of year, a one-dollar cone of vanilla at McDonald’s is better than no ice cream and you’ll make due with that because in January and early February, that’s how far gone you are already, New Year’s resolutions be damned.

This zombie novella is lighthearted and rudimentary in its execution. If you’re expecting mind-blowing content out of this or anything made this early in the calendar year for that matter, you need to lower your standards. With that said, 2016 could have started a lot worse. The cast is likable and honest to the original material and the addition of zombies in Revolutionary War era England is a unique sight to behold. There’s no denouncing that.

I’ve spent most of this review bashing this film but honestly, I enjoyed it. Critically, it’s not there and I’m certainly not going to recommend it but if you’re desperate to see a moving picture that doesn’t make you want to run to the toilet and vomit, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies can be that film for you. It’s not going to invoke a lot of emotion, there’s a specific plot point that makes no sense and will make you want to throw you hands up in the air and the conclusion feels too swift but as an overall product, especially this early in 2016, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies leaves a positive impression.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Avengers: Age of Ultron, The Avengers, The Babadook, Interstellar, Chappie)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable Guy, The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Creed, Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, Crimson Peak, The Martian, Black Mass)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, Beasts of No Nation, Terminator: Genisys, Black Sheep, Twisted)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Everest, Hercules, The Sentinel, Mad Max: Fury Road, Blitz)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (War, The Ridiculous 6, The Lost Boys, Zombeavers, Crank)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Gunman, The Visit, The Fantastic Four, The Boy Next Door, The Colony)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, The Forbidden Dimensions, Cyborg, Outcast, Sabotage)

My score for Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: 67.

All this mockery aside, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is a popcorn film you can watch with friends on a busy Friday night. You don’t have to pay attention during every minute of the thing, you can feel free to talk over points you deem uninteresting and your experience won’t be any less than if you had watched every breathing second of it. If you’re looking for cheap entertainment and a laugh or two at the pure obnoxiousness of this whole charade, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is your thing. At least until Deadpool comes out this week and we finally get the real treat of February.