Movie Review: Pride and Prejudice

Yesterday, I watched the 2005 rendition of Pride and Prejudice. Within the first ten minutes I knew I was going to hate it.

The movie is supposed to be about a family full of daughters, each of which is looking for a husband. Elizabeth Bennet (Keira Knightley) loathes Mr. Darcy (Matthey Macfadyen). Aside from that, nothing very important happens. There were so many things wrong with this movie that it’s truly hard to name them all but I’m going to try anyway.

1. This movie featured snobby dance parties with aristocratic arrogant rich people looking down their noses at everyone else.

2. Much of the dialogue is said so fast you can’t even understand it. It’s like they were auditioning to be a speed-talker for radio commercials. In the second half, the dialogue finally slows down, but I missed the first half of the movie so it hardly means anything now.

3. Even when they talk slow enough that you can understand the words coming out of their mouths, they talk in such a complicated vocabulary that you don’t understand the essence of what they’re saying sometimes.

4. Even if you can understand what their saying, most of the conversations end up to be pointless small talk anyway that do nothing to further the plot.

5. Eventually the director got the great idea of simplifying the vocabulary so people could understand what was happening but the director thought of this when there was about a half hour left in the movie.

6. All the girls in this are extremely immature and act like they’re 14. Keira Knightley and Rosamund Pike’s characters are the only two even slightly mature.

7. There’s some epic staring and walking that’s totally unnecessary. If there was much more, I was going to have to call the Twilight directors and suggest they sue for plagiarism.

8. There’s zero character connection in this movie for me. I can’t relate to anybody. To be honest, everyone in this movie is so snobby that half the time I wanted to punch the characters in the face. I could care less what happened to any of them.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Star Trek Into DarknessNow You See MeMan of Steel, Monster-In-Law)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one.

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The HobbitAfter EarthRoad to Perdition)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this.

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow.

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.”

My score for Pride and Prejudice: 34.

I must have looked at the clock like six times I was so bored with this movie. It takes way too long for anything to happen between Liz Bennet and Mr. Darcy and the chemistry between them seemed to struggle. There were very few bright points, if any. Seriously, don’t watch this people.

Modernizing this story would have made this a lot better. No one can relate to snobby people from the 1800’s. It’s a love story that could have easily been put into more recent times so that audiences could get some kind of character connection. A movie like this was doomed to fail from the start.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

There’s nothing to spoil here. It’s one of the slowest-moving movies I’ve ever seen. Don’t watch this. Save some brain cells.

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