Movie Review: Gallowwalkers

Any respect I may have had for Wesley Snipes has been incinerated.

Gallowwalkers claims to be a horror western about Snipes killing people and then killing them again after they come back alive. The word “zombie” is used in the plot synopsis but this film does not have zombies in it at any point. Director and writer Andrew Goth can’t decide what he wants people to look like when they come back. Some have disfigured bodies, some don’t and some have normal brain function like before and others don’t. The conditions and requirements for things to return to life are never clearly cut and neither is this movie despite how many times you’ll see people getting their faces cut off.

Probably the other problem with this film is that it took forever for it to be completed. Due to Snipes failure to pay taxes, the film didn’t release on DVD until nearly eight years since the film first began filming. Eight years! Give up, people!

The script of Gallowwalkers is already so cursed and blase that nothing can liven it up. If Snipes would just pay Uncle Sam what he’s due when he collects his paychecks, maybe this film would have been a little better. By a little better, I mean there’s a freshly-made Big Mac in the middle of the dumpster if you’re really hungry. Hopefully, you’d figure out eating that would be unsanitary but apparently the makers of this film would be okay with that because that’s basically what Gallowwalkers is.

It’s no wonder Netflix got a hold of this for its subscribers. Gallowwalkers is probably fighting for whatever spare change it can get.

The acting is terrible and the pacing as ponderous as an aged mammoth. I don’t know what’s going on for the first ten minutes. Convenience is a common occurrence in this story and it’s so absurd and unwarranted that there’s little point in riding the tracks Goth sets out for us.

The gun-riddling is ironically like a duel: it lasts for ten seconds and ends with an anti-climatic sputter. Dialogue becomes an overblown commodity throughout the film as events that could lead to action are glossed over with incessant rambling. For claiming to be a horror western, this film doesn’t frighten nor does it exude the western wit and tension that you would expect from something of the genre.

Another folly might be that it tries to combine horror and western and centers on making a new genre instead of a new film. Goth is so set on instilling fear that any want to engage yourself in Gallowwalkers is eliminated within the first half hour if not sooner. There’s no hook, no appeal to our attention. It felt like this production team was more focused on a statement in film-making than a statement in the entertainment industry. If only they would have seen the quality of their work. Maybe then they would have seen the egregious product before them. On the other hand, they had eight years to review this and yet they still didn’t see anything rusted, or corroded or anything.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Guardians of the GalaxyDawn of the Planet of the ApesTransformers: Age of ExtinctionJack ReacherGodzilla)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Tears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2Young GunsCloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(Red Dawn(2012)MaleficentRise of the Planet of the ApesTransporter 2Battle: Los Angeles)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (RubberHansel and Gretel: Witch HuntersAnchorman: The Legend of Ron BurgundyThe TransporterSpeed)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Expendable 3HomefrontG.I. Joe: RetaliationVantage PointThe Starving Games)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesBilly MadisonA Haunted House300: Rise of an EmpireCowboys and Aliens)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (CenturionPlanet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The GreyX-Men: Days of Future PastThor: The Dark WorldThe Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Tucker & Dale vs. EvilSafeWatchmenClash of the TitansA Haunted House 2)

My score for Gallowwalkers: 13.

I know this review isn’t very good. I’m sorry, but I don’t have anything else to say here. Very rarely do I find myself lost for words. Guess that’s a testament to the mess this is.

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