Movie Review: Black Sheep

A bonus roommate edition for this rotten treat.

At the beginning of the school year, Jon and I agreed to start Bad Movie Wednesdays. We were talking about how great a show Drake and Josh was and then I said, “Hey, do you remember Bad Movie Tuesday from the show? We should do that.”

Jon’s schedule wouldn’t allow it, so we changed it to Wednesdays and it’s been that way ever since. Bad Movie Wednesday has gifted us with some true classics, such as Dead Snow and Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead, and some films that required profuse apologizes from me to anyone who attended (In the Name of the King).

During one of our late night conversations, which we will both attest to being phenomenal, Jon said, “I have our next Bad Movie Wednesday. It’s a movie that goes back to what Bad Movie Wednesdays are supposed to be about.”

“Oh boy,” I said. “What is it?”

“It’s called Black Sheep.”

Now the next couple sentences that came from this man’s mouth were so bizarre and so below literacy that I’ve decided to transcribe it for you: a zombie sheep bites people and they turn into zombie sheep.

Just take a minute to let that sink in.

The man who wrote this script is named Jonathan King. He also was the director of this…thing.

Mr. King is one of the stupidest human beings I have yet to encounter and at the same time, a marketing genius.

Consider the concept of a zombie sheep. How does that even happen? Of all the animals you could choose to zombify, you chose a sheep?

How about elephants? I think a zombie elephant would be horrifying. They’d stomp you until you were paralyzed, tear your ribcage apart with their tusks and then peel your intestines out with their trunks. It’s a win-win!

What about zombie ostriches? Have you ever seen an ostrich? Ostriches are probably one of the funniest-looking creatures on this planet. Zombify them and you have comedy gold!

Finally, and I know I’m stealing this idea from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, zombie bunnies. That scene in the movie with the rabid bunny is one of the more funny scenes I’ve had the pleasure of witnessing. I don’t know why someone hasn’t picked up on that idea yet. Like I would watch that! Wouldn’t you guys?

Alas, we are stuck with sheep. Fat, wool-covered puff balls.

Jonathan King is a marketing guru for the simple fact that he has discovered one of the secret truths of America: to attract the masses, think of something preposterously stupid and they’ll swarm to it like bees to honey.

I am a guilty participant. We actually paid for this movie and when I say we, I mean Jon.

Jon: Willingly and wanted to.

Tim: We rented it on Google Play. Why? See above.

And so, our adventure began.

Black Sheep is a New Zealand film, the first I’ve seen. I’m proud to say my cinematic tastes are spreading. Dead Snow was Norwegian, now a New Zealander (Is that right?) one.

The plot synopsis is basic. Genetic experiments turn docile sheep deadly and turn humans into giant sheep people.

Do you really need to know more?

The characters are garbage.

Jon: That’s not true. We really wanted that one guy to die.

Tim:…and I don’t think anyone in the room cared about them. The story is truly irrelevant and what’s more is that King knew this. He wrote the story and he made it as bland and easily avoidable as possible in my opinion. It was so easy for me to detach myself from it.

Characters that don’t matter, some plugs about how important the environment is. Without the comedy, this film is pretty boring. I wouldn’t say bad because the acting isn’t intrusive and the scripting is applicable to the characters. At least it sounds believable, to an extent.

Some of the plot turns are way off track but despite the film being at a mediocre level, a few things rise it out of the sheep intestines.

The cinematography and visuals, overall, I was pleased with. They weren’t amazing, but considering the film’s budget and what they had to work with, I’ll give them a thumbs-up. The costumes were silly at the beginning but as the film progressed the quality improved.

As for things we learned…

Jon: If there is a sheep in a hallway staring at me after I just found blood, I’m probably going to walk away.

Shoots zombie sheep in the face and it comes back.

P.S. Don’t have sexual relations with sheep.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (InterstellarChappieAmerican BeautyGone GirlMulan)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable GuyThe Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Dead Snow: Red vs. DeadSnowpiercerThe FamilyWhen the Game Stands TallBlack Hawk Down)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (TwistedParkerHouse at the End of the StreetThe RavenDead Snow)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Run All NightRageZoolanderThe Expendables 3Homefront)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (ErasedI, FrankensteinThe Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesBilly Madison)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (CenturionPlanet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The ColonyIn the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege TaleThe GreyX-Men: Days of Future PastThor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (SabotageGallowwalkersTucker & Dale vs. EvilSafeWatchmen)

My score for Black Sheep: 66.

This movie was awful but also great. Really don’t have much to say aside from that. It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen this which is why this review is so crappy. Sorry.

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