Movie Review: Alien

I loved both of the Alien vs. Predator movies and I loved the Predator movies. I’ve never seen the alien series before and I thought I might as well.

Well, my roommate, Jon, and I watched Alien yesterday and we both have some things we’d like to say about it. I present to you a bonus roommate edition!

Tim: This movie is incredibly slow to start off with. First, they show a bunch of slow shots of the ship as if we’re watching behind-the-scenes footage or something. It’s very unnecessary. They have robotic helmets say a beacon signal is detected and the crew is awakened from cryogenic sleep. Then they engage in pointless dialogue in which I don’t understand half of what is being said. Then they go to the planet where this beacon signal is coming from and three of the crew members get off the ship to go find this signal and find an alien ship. Instead of getting the rest of the crew to come out and help them collect all this stuff, they keep going until, like scientists always do, they stumble upon something they shouldn’t and stuff gets real.

I don’t know any of the characters names until the movie is at its halfway point and I only get to know half of them at that point.

Jon: Half of them are already dead by the time we learn their names.

Tim: The acting is more than sub-par, it’s downright disgraceful. Whether a result of the tragedy that is the screenwriting or the actors themselves, it’s bad.

Jon: Not going to lie, during the first half hour of this movie when they’re busy with landing the ship, etc, etc, I was starting to doze off.

Tim: I don’t care about any characters nor do I feel like I should. It’s a stereotypical horror movie where we want everyone to die.

Jon: Pretty much summed it up right there.

Tim: The plot is disastrous and has enough plot holes to make swiss cheese and a dozen donuts.

Jon: It has a bigger hole than my doughnut. (Yes, I’m actually holding a doughnut)

Tim: There are unnecessary strobes that were supposed to add to the suspense of the movie that ended up just being annoying and hard on the eyes.

Jon: Did anyone have a seizure? If so, you could get your money back.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42, Just Go With It)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Man of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House DownJobsThe Truman Show)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (OblivionThe WolverineJagged EdgeElysiumShaun of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (After EarthRoad to PerditionTotal RecallDodgeball: A True Underdog StoryAlong Came Polly)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch Black)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark Fury)

My score for Alien: 49.

This movie was an egregious disappointment (that means bad, I didn’t know that until Jon told me. Having trouble pronouncing it actually) and to have to associate it with AVP or the Predator movies is a gross injustice. It was almost mediocre enough to get a 50 but Jon and I both agree it’s just too bad.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

Jon: The alien was supposedly a really big deal but you never even see its face aside from a few instances. I knew more about what the alien looked like from the alien vs. predator movies, parodies making fun of alien, etc.

Tim: Agreed. If it wasn’t for my previous knowledge of the alien creature, I wouldn’t have been pleased with what I saw.

Jon: Not going to lie, for a movie that started off really slowly, I would forgive all of it if I just knew why Ripley WANTED TO STOP THE SELF-DESTRUCT! Everything else I would have forgiven! Just tell me why you wanted to stop the self-destruct!

Tim: Yeah, I’m not so forgiving. This movie’s first half hour could have been eliminated and the filmmakers could have been decent enough to not waste an additional half hour of my life. Wasting a whole 117 minutes of my life is unacceptable and is close to worthy of a death sentence in my book (just kidding 🙂

The technology in this movie is so out of date and not capable of space travel. The giant ship they are traveling in has zero aerodynamics and moves slower than some of the ships in Spaceballs, and those ships were meant to move slow for comedic effect. It takes all of ten minutes for the ship to land and it descends at an amazing inch per minute, which makes for some extreme action scenes that you just don’t want to miss! WARNING: DEADLY AMOUNTS OF SARCASM INCLUDED.

Even though the technology is ridiculously out of date, Ash ends up to be a robot, something that both of us agree came out of nowhere. It seemed pulled out of a hat. How can they have robots in this time and age that are so realistic but their technology is worse than stuff used during the 1960’s?

Jon: Oh, and I was very happy they saved the cat.

Tim: I’m pretty sure we can both agree that not only is Jones the cat the best actor in this movie, he should be nominated for Best Supporting Actor.

Jon: Jones the cat is also the smartest creature on that ship.

Tim: I still have no idea why the cat was so important. Ripley is running around the ship trying to survive with a flamethrower in one hand and a cat cage in the other.

Jon: Because the cat was cute, that’s why it was so important.

Tim: Man, Jon, I wish I was as smart as you. I should have figured that out. I guess that’s why I’m attending college, so I can figure stuff like this out.

Jon: Your sarcasm is noted. The alien turns into an eight-foot tall creature after being a midget-sized creature without ever explaining how it matured so fast.

Tim: Yep, never knew why that happened. I think that’s just one of those just-go-with-it elements. Why was this ship in the middle of nowhere again?

Jon: They were delivering some weed or something. Stones, that’s what it was.

Tim: Stones. Sounds like some stuff worth spending years of your life transporting.

Jon: It was a simpler movie from a simpler time that no one cared, as long as they were entertained.

Tim: Must have been some stupid people back then, but I have to admit that it’s hard for me to comprehend that there might have been more stupid people on the planet back then then there are now.

Unfortunately for the filmmakers, we cared.

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