Movie Review: A Haunted House

The first time I watched two movies in one night for this blog it worked out well. I got to experience the dreaded Alien and the uber-awesome Sharknado. A second try at the two-movie night did not prove so successful, presenting me with the disappointing You’re Next and the horrid outhouse that is Open Grave. One worthwhile experience and one disastrous experience convinced me that perhaps a third try would be profitable for WordsofWisTIM if not me, although the latter part’s profitability would be nice, too.

If you haven’t seen the trailer for A Haunted House 2, you must watch it right now. A link for those with a lack of initiative here. It is by far the funniest trailer I’ve ever seen. I was a laughing hyena watching it the first time. It’s just so funny. Since I plan to see the sequel (Because how can I avoid a trailer like that, right?) I felt a watching of the original was probably a good idea. The trailer for that isn’t bad either. Anyway, Marlon Wayans and director Michael Tiddes decided to collaborate to make a comedy making fun of horror movies. I’ve watched some of the Scary Movies, which I’ll eventually write reviews on, as well as Vampires Suck, and all were fun-filled. Therefore, I didn’t think it was unfair to want a similar experience from this viewing.

Character development once again is low on the priority list here although there is some as opposed to none in The Starving Games. Marlon Wayans stars as Malcolm Johnson, a guy who’s having his girlfriend move in and decides he wants to film their lives together. How thoughtful and convenient for us, right?

I wasn’t really a fan of the film visually. Having the actors hold the camera instead of having an actual cameraman may be good for the budget but not for me. Perhaps it’s because I’m not used to the formatting and angles associated with the style, but it just didn’t fly with me.

This film falters where The Starving Games falters: It’s mimicking the same plot line of another film. Perhaps I was misled or uninformed when I bought this, but I did not know this was a parody of Paranormal Activity. I’ve never seen it, nor do I plan to, because it’s not my cup of tea, or rather, can of tea. Big Brisk fan over here.

I’m not a horror movie fan to begin with and a movie that appears to be almost as boring as A Haunted House doesn’t really spice me up for the potential viewing of the film either. A Haunted House is so boring that my brother wanted to turn it off and if I hadn’t planned to write a review on it beforehand, I probably would have let him.

Literally every humorous part in this movie deals with some type of sexually explicit content or the hint of such activities. A large amount of sex jokes can be found in this film. Did I mention sex jokes? By the way, how about those sex jokes? Hey, surprise! Sex jokes!

Gets pretty annoying and monotonous doesn’t it? Probably got a smirk out of you guys on the first two or three, but by the last reference you wanted to throw me a right hook, right? Yeah, so did my brother and I. This movie doesn’t know how to make a joke to save its life. The interim period between jokes is far too long and leaves the audience wondering if the film is switching genres or just giving up on itself. My brother nor I gave a crap about this film aside from a very few segments that were at least a little funny. It’s not even dumb funny. It’s just dumb and no one is having fun here except the actors.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Mission ImpossibleMission Impossible IIMission Impossible IIISpider-ManSpider-Man 2)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Non-StopDivergentSpider-Man 3Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2Young Guns)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Captain America: The First AvengerDawn of the DeadFlyboys300Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss GoodnightDisaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Alien ResurrectionFull Metal JacketThorYou’re Next, The Starving Games)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Pitch BlackAlienSerendipityCowboys and Aliens300: Rise of an Empire)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and PrejudiceRedemption)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All FearsThor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark FuryAlien 3Open Grave)

My score for A Haunted House: 40.

If you want to remind yourself of what happened in A Haunted House before seeing the sequel, watch the trailer for it because almost all of the fun that was to be had in the film was in the trailer. The filmmakers gave all the good parts away before the film even came out, leaving viewers who were dumb enough to see it drowning in disappointment and despair.

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