Monthly Archives: October 2015

2015-2016 NFL Power Rankings: Week 6

1. Patriots (+0)

Patriots haven’t faltered yet, although Luck finally showed up. We’ll have to see how the Patriots do against their division rival.

2. Packers (+0)

Green Bay gets a close win over the Chargers, stay at 2.

3. Bengals (+0)

Cincinnati beats an injured Buffalo team, gets to 6-0.

4. Vikings (+3)

They’ve looked good aside from the hiccup against the 49ers in the first game of the season. I acknowledge this is a reach.

5. Cardinals (-1)

The Cardinals’ offense performance might be because of their schedule: vs. NO, @CHI, vs. SF, vs. STL, @DET prior to their match with the Steelers. We’re not talking about the cream of the crop here.

6. Panthers (+6)

I challenged them to prove themselves and they did against Seattle. 6 is high, but until they lose, they deserve it.

7. Jets (+2)

Another win over a poor team, but thus far the Jets’ formula has worked. Let’s see how they do against the champs.

8. Falcons (-2)

They had no right losing to the Saints. Another loss like that and they’re out of the top ten.

9. Broncos (-1)

Peyton’s stretch of mediocre play continues. The defense continues to bail them out.

10. Rams (+0)

Bye. They face Cleveland.

11. Steelers (+2)

The defense is looking like a top-ten squad, facing against two great quarterbacks in Philip Rivers and Carson Palmer. They keep coming away with improbable victories.

12. Bills (-1)

Buffalo needs Tyrod Taylor to return. I have no confidence in E.J. Manuel and neither should anyone in Buffalo.

13. Seahawks (-8)

Two costly fourth-quarter blown leads has the Seahawks falling out of my good graces once again.

14. Giants (+0)

Giants can’t lose games to Philly. They have an opportunity to win the division with Dallas injured and hobbling. They need to take advantage or Coughlin’s gone.

15. Browns (+2)

An impressive showing against the Broncos.

16. Raiders (+0)

Bye. They also had an impressive showing against Denver before their break.

17. Chargers (+3)

Rivers continues to carry a team. Melvin Gordon’s been ineffective with a weak offensive line.

18. Cowboys (+0)

Bye.

19. Colts (+3)

Andrew Luck looked like the guy we’re used to seeing. Was it a fluke though?

20. Chiefs (-5)

Without Charles, the main cog in the Kansas City offense, the Chiefs will struggle heavily, especially with the decline of their once elite defense.

21. Eagles (+2)

A win over the Giants but Sam Bradford is still making costly mistakes.

22. Redskins (-3)

The defense is better than expected, but the offense is not. Alfred Morris isn’t getting touches and Kirk Cousins can’t help but turn the ball over consistently.

23. Ravens (-2)

The Ravens continue to fall. The offense isn’t clicking with the exception of Steve Smith and the defense that I saw on week one against Denver has yet to appear again.

24. Dolphins (+3)

They looked like a whole ‘nother team under Campbell. Let’s see if it continues.

25. Texans (-1)

Arian Foster isn’t himself and the Texans defense has been out to lunch all year.

26. Jaguars (+0)

The offense is coming along. Blake Bortles is improving. Shocking, I know. Talking positively about a Jaguars quarterback.

27. Titans (-2)

Mariota’s hurt. The Titans are going to start falling again.

28. 49ers (+2)

The 49ers beat a bad team. Let’s not get too excited.

29. Buccaneers (+0)

Bye. Let’s see if Doug Martin remains hot.

30. Saints (+1)

The Saints are hard to figure out. Win one week, get demolished the next.

31. Bears (-3)

They lost to the Lions, but if you watched the game, you’d know the Lions were gifted a touchdown and given a horrid penalty call. Refs practically gift-wrapped the game.

32. Lions (+0)

They still look bad.

Biggest Climb: Panthers (+6)

Biggest Fall: Seahawks (-8)

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Movie Review: The Martian

Ridley Scott’s enshrinement as a household name in the film industry is warranted on many levels, but lately, the British phenom seems to have lost his touch with The Counselor and Exodus: Gods and Kings. Need I say more?

Unlike Shyamalan, however, Scott has an established resume with many hits of both box office success and critical acclaim, such as Alien, Blade Runner and Gladiator. With Shyamalan, we all want him to retreat under the bed like the boogeyman and never show his face again. With Scott, we’re hoping he can rekindle the creative ember that got his career turning in the first place.

The Martian may be that fire. Adapted from the 2011 novel by Andy Weir of the same name, this 2015 exploration of Mars’ terrain is but another entry into the ever-growing Hollywood interest in space exploration, following 2013’s Gravity and 2014’s Interstellar. I, for one, am perfectly fine with this new trend. Something that is literally unquantifiable allows for the expansion of the imagination and in a decade where sequels and adaptations continue to overload the nation’s theaters, The Martian is heading in a new direction. The Martian really is alone in the spotlight like its main star, Mark Watney. Gravity and Interstellar may have found the field of play before it but in a field this wide, that being a field of extraterrestrial proportions, The Martian really is its own entity, searching its own themes of self-exploration, survival and ethics in a way that neither Gravity nor Interstellar ever focused their gaze. Both Gravity and Interstellar highlighted visual gravitas and while Scott, a visual extraordinaire himself, isn’t one to hold back on delighting the eye, The Martian‘s golden goose is its screenplay and cast without question. Scott’s manipulations astound and dazzle, illustrating wide landscape portraits and unearthly aesthetics but there’s little question what The Martian is truly focusing on here and that’s a great sign for Scott’s future endeavors. He knew what he wanted here and he went out and took it.

A stellar cast of Jessica Chastain, Kate Mara, Kristen Wiig, Jeff Daniels, Michael Pena, Sean Bean and Chiwetel Ejiofor is great both on paper and on screen in this vacation on Mars, but the true applause of this film belongs to the weathered character of Mark Watney, portrayed so effortlessly by Jason Bourne…I mean, Matt Damon. Overzealous and clearly devoted to his survival and yet surprisingly flippant, Damon’s Watney expounds a character who refuses to give up and at the same time, feels obligated to make sarcastic remarks at his obvious misfortune.

What Gravity failed to do, at least in my viewing of Curron’s work, was establish a self-sustaining character. Damon’s Watney, on the other hand, is easily personable with his cynicism and blunt humor, attributes that younger audiences especially can relate to. He holds a confidence in dire circumstances that is sure to rake audiences in droves and his unabashed approach in everything he undertakes leads to some amusing set pieces.

My only complaint with The Martian is that it’s so lighthearted. The deep drama we’re used to seeing from Scott isn’t here and partially due to the comedic character that Watney symbolizes, we never get to the deeper and darker areas of living by yourself on a deserted planet.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Avengers: Age of UltronThe AvengersThe BabadookInterstellarChappie)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable GuyThe Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Black Mass,Enemy at the GatesAnchorman 2: The Legend ContinuesLeon: The ProfessionalEnemy)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Terminator: GenisysBlack SheepTwistedParkerHouse at the End of the Street)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (EverestHerculesThe SentinelMad Max: Fury RoadBlitz)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (The Lost BoysZombeaversCrankErasedI, Frankenstein)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (CenturionPlanet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The VisitThe Fantastic FourThe Boy Next DoorThe ColonyIn the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Coed and the Zombie StonerThe Forbidden DimensionsCyborgOutcastSabotage)

My score for The Martian: 78.

The Martian grabbed $55 million at the box office in its opening week, meaning it may overtake Gravity for the largest opening weekend in October and should still be considered a success. Scott looks to be on the right track once again, which can only lead fans of the theater excited for his upcoming projects.

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Movie Review: The Coed and the Zombie Stoner

Zombies have remained at the forefront of pop culture for a very long time. There is a fascination among today’s youth with the future, especially in a post-apocalyptic sense, and that has no doubt contributed to the popularity of the relics of old, such as Mad Max and George Romero’s creations and the dissolute, dehumanizing themes we continue to see instilled in television and film.

Let it be known that zombies allow for such wide parameters of creativity that I believed there was no way to make a bad movie with zombies. I Am Legend, despite its crumbling third act, wasn’t that bad. No film comes to mind featuring zombies that upends my stomach in a bad way.

Like with everything else, beautiful things can’t be left alone and eventually someone has to tarnish it. This is why we can’t have nice things.

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner is that someone and man, does it soil it. (soil it, soil it)

It’s been more than two weeks since I’ve seen it and yet I still remember it so vividly.

This film, in essence, is nails-on-a-chalkboard horrid. It is hair on fire, shattered bones, squandered dreams, expired dairy products, rusted metal, spoiled fruit, moldy bread, cancer tissue, shredded sponges, skinned cats, liquids under the dumpster, clogged toilets, blown tires, New York City traffic, pollution fumes, oil breaks and everything else that sucks wrapped into one. It has no cares or feelings.

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner is so bad I started banging the back of my head off the floor, trying desperately to detach my cerebellum from the rest of my brain so I wouldn’t recollect any of the clear crimes against humanity that occur during this seemingly endless track of roadkill and vomit. This Asylum production is a roller coaster that was purposely made so that all of its riders would throw up on each other. Your brain will slam on the opposing sides of your cranium the whole time, losing brain cells whilst feeling you have developed a concussion from lack of thinking. This movie is so dumb you’ll want to close line yourself.

Watching this and The Forbidden Dimensions on back-to-back Bad Movie Wednesdays makes me want to rip out my brain and start counting the cells I still have left. It’s insanely difficult to formulate my feelings into words and the only explanation I can come to is the amount of dumb I have let be consumed by my senses during these two movies. You can only be exposed to so much dumb before you start to feel dumb yourself and do I ever right now.

There comes a point in a person’s life when they have to sit down and decide what they’re willing to put up with and what they’re not. I’m going to be brutally honest. If you find this movie tolerable, you need to check yourself. Your life is going in the wrong direction and as your friend, I strongly advise you do something about it.

You have no idea how much I don’t want to talk about this film right now, but I feel obligated, at least to a minor extent, to elaborate on why The Coed and the Zombie Stoner makes me feel like an ostrich. I just want to stop what I’m doing and stick my head in the sand. I feel stupid in every way, but I honestly don’t see any way out. My arms feel stupid, my legs feel stupid, my chest feels stupid and I don’t even know how a body part can feel stupid but if there was a way for that to happen, this would be it. I feel limp, like my body was broken over night and I have no initiative to do anything and why should I? When you watch a visual display like this, you feel empty and no amount of food or drink can end that craving. You just need to bury yourself in sheets and surround yourself with smart things and smart people. You need to read, listen to music, watch something on YouTube that makes you laugh, anything that makes you feel smart and livens you up, because when you watch a movie like The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, it takes all the wind out of your sails and you’re dead in the water. You ain’t going nowhere and you can’t do anything but lounge and try to breathe. You feel like you just inhaled toxic fumes and you feel a heaviness in your chest. You’re breathing fine, but you just feel heavy and out of shape. It’s like your blood flow is in slow motion or something throughout your body and you just have no energy or want to do anything but lay down, try to gather what’s left and put the pieces back together. You feel depleted and in so much anguish that you just want to cry, cry for the inherent loss in partaking in such an experience. It may sound trivial to you, but some of these things that I watch, if you were to experience them, you would feel the same way.

To be less real and more to the point, The Coed and the Zombie Stoner makes detergent look like a tasty beverage. It makes a 2-by-4 with nails start to look like a good pillow and for some reason, experimenting with flying doesn’t seem like a bad idea either and neither does walking through a gun range. This movie makes you crave danger in a very unhealthy way, whatever it takes to get away from this trauma.

The plot is incredibly stupid and not worth reiterating, the actors are the worst of them all, igniting a wrath inside of me that not only endured but continued to grow till the end, and the dialogue is an incessant cursing tirade from a raging teenager on Xbox who is so furious and unraveled that he’s unable to form coherent phrases.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Avengers: Age of UltronThe AvengersThe BabadookInterstellarChappie)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable GuyThe Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Black Mass,Enemy at the GatesAnchorman 2: The Legend ContinuesLeon: The ProfessionalEnemy)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Terminator: GenisysBlack SheepTwistedParkerHouse at the End of the Street)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (EverestHerculesThe SentinelMad Max: Fury RoadBlitz)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (The Lost BoysZombeaversCrankErasedI, Frankenstein)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (CenturionPlanet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The VisitThe Fantastic FourThe Boy Next DoorThe ColonyIn the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Forbidden DimensionsCyborgOutcastSabotageGallowwalkers)

My score for The Coed and the Zombie Stoner: 13.

I can’t express the sense of euphoria I have knowing that I never have to write another syllable about this film nor watch another second of it ever again. Let’s just say we hope to pick more appetizing films for the next couple Bad Movie Wednesdays.

As one of my friends put it, that is the horrible beauty of art. It can be so pristine sometimes and so horrid others.

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2015-2016 NFL Power Rankings: Week 5

1. Patriots (+0)

Another dominant win for the Patriots over an injured Cowboys team. The Patriots have not faltered against a single opponent thus far.

2. Packers (+0)

Aaron Rodgers is apparently human. He threw two interceptions at home. With that said, he’s a very talented human. The Packer defense picked off Foles all day long and Green Bay is 5-0.

3. Bengals (+0)

What a win for Cincinnati. According to Trey Wingo, the teams down at least 17 points in the fourth quarter had lost 427 straight games. Dalton and the Bengals broke the streak. One of the best games I’ve ever seen. Bravo.

4. Cardinals (+0)

Back to the Arizona way, Palmer and the Cardinals destroyed Detroit on both sides of the ball.

5. Seahawks (+6)

They blew a 17-point lead, something you cannot do, but Seattle finally looked like the Super Bowl contender we were missing the last four weeks. It was a painful loss I’m sure, but Seattle fans should have hope after this game. They looked competitive.

6. Falcons (+0)

Matt Ryan struggled, committing three turnovers on the day, but Devonta Freeman had a huge day for the third straight week. It was a narrow win, but the Falcons have had three comeback wins on the season.

7. Vikings (+0)

Bye. They narrowly lost to Denver and now they face a Chiefs team that’s trending down.

8. Broncos (-3)

The dynamite offense that once was is completely gone. Peyton is 13th in passing yards and has thrown six touchdowns and seven interceptions. The Broncos offense didn’t score a touchdown against the Raiders. If the struggles on offense continue, Denver will find itself outside the top ten, even if they do have the best defense in the league.

9. Jets (+0)

Bye. Washington comes to New York. Let’s see if they continue their return to form.

10. Rams (+3)

The Rams probably aren’t a top-ten team right now, but there’s no one else that deserves this spot. The Rams flustered Aaron Rodgers on Sunday and Todd Gurley looks like he was worth the pick thus far.

11. Bills (-1)

No Sammy Watkins, no LeSean McCoy, no Karlos Williams. There’s little offense to be had in Buffalo right now and until one of those guys comes back, it’s going to be a tough stretch for Tyrod Taylor, who injured his knee in the Bills’ last game.

12. Panthers (+0)

Bye. They’ve played four mediocre opponents to make it to 4-0. Now they play a real contender, the Seattle Seahawks. Let’s see how real they are.

13. Steelers (+2)

Huge win on the road against the Chargers. Le’Veon Bell is holding the team together and after three horrid quarters, Mike Vick played football. Antonio Brown, meanwhile, is being ignored and that’s got to change. The defense is looking leagues better than anyone could have predicted.

14. Giants (+0)

They barely beat the 49ers, but again, this is a case of not seeing anyone on this list that deserves to be above them.

15. Chiefs (-7)

I want to believe in Kansas City but they failed to upset Green Bay, Denver or Cincinnati and I feel they needed to win one of those games. Losing to Chicago at home, as well as the loss of their best offensive weapon, Jamaal Charles, leaves Kansas City downtrodden.

16. Raiders (+4)

What a day for the Raiders. I don’t know how they do it and I’m hesitant to give them too much credit but they lost 16-10 to Denver. That, plain and simple, is stunning. Oakland looks like a real team right now.

17. Browns (+6)

Last week, I asked where Johnny Manziel was. Josh McCown went nuts this week in response, throwing for 457 yards and two touchdowns against the Ravens. I’m still asking where’s Johnny, but McCown was great on Sunday.

18. Cowboys (-1)

Dallas is losing pieces weekly. Bryant, Romo and Dunbar. The Cowboys have already announced they’re benching Brandon Weeden in favor of Matt Cassel and they’re considering a change at running back as well. I think they could come to regret both of these decisions. They’re being hasty.

19. Redskins (+5)

A comeback win against Philly and a narrow loss against Atlanta. The Redskins are trending upward. However, they’re benching a top-ten running back in Alfred Morris in exchange for Matt Jones, who had one good game. They need to get over themselves and start putting their best players on the field.

20. Chargers (-4)

San Diego’s injuries continue to pile up. Their offensive line is a bunch of new guys who’ve never played together before, leaving Melvin Gordon with little space to run and Rivers with little time to throw. Great teams find a way to beat adversity and the Chargers aren’t doing it.

21. Ravens (-3)

The Baltimore Ravens continue to fall. The defense that looked so good against Denver week one has disappeared. They just got shredded by Josh McCown. Baltimore is in the cellar of the AFC North for the first time in a long time.

22. Colts (+0)

I give props to Matt Hasselbeck for leading the Colts to victory. For an athlete his age to perform the way he did, it’s admirable. With that said, the Colts still suck and no matter who starts, they’re going to get crushed against New England.

23. Eagles (+2)

They beat the Saints. Big whoop. I want to see them execute against an average team before I move them out of the bottom of the barrel.

24. Texans (-5)

Houston’s struggles continue. The Texans used to have a top-ten defense. I have no clue where that defense went. Foster isn’t healthy yet and the quarterback roulette continues.

25. Titans (+4)

They were so close to beating a depleted Bills team before they choked away the lead again. They’ve blown leads in two straight games.

26. Jaguars (+2)

A high-scoring affair led to a narrow loss to Tampa Bay but Allen Hurns is a top receiver right now and Blake Bortles looks serviceable.

27. Dolphins (+0)

Bye. Let’s see how much a team can change after two weeks.

28. Bears (+4)

Jay Cutler and the Bears have stepped up in back-to-back weeks. They deserve some credit.

29. Buccaneers (+1)

A high-scoring win for Tampa Bay against Jacksonville. I guess you’ve got to start somewhere.

30. 49ers (+1)

A narrow loss to the Giants gets San Fran a point.

31. Saints (-5)

Saints looked like a team with Brees last week, but not this week. They just lost to a decrepit Philly team.

32. Lions (-11)

And finally, the Detroit Lions. I held them off from the bottom for as long as I could, but they’re giving me nothing to work with. They just got crushed by Arizona. They’ve given up on the run, again, and Stafford is left throwing the ball way too many times, again. They continue to make the same stupid mistakes.

Biggest Climb: Seahawks, Browns (+6)

Biggest Fall: Lions (-11)

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2015-2016 NFL Power Rankings: Week 4

1. Patriots (+0)

I’m not moving people during their bye week, so the Patriots stay at number one for the fourth straight week.

2. Packers (+0)

The Packers remain at number two, although they should have blown out San Francisco. Instead, they won by two touchdowns.

3. Bengals (+1)

The Bengals have blown me away this year. I really expected a fall from grace but they’ve clearly climbed from last year to become one of the best teams in the league.

4. Cardinals (-1)

Unsure what happened to the Cardinals last week, falling to the Rams at home.

5. Broncos (+0)

The Broncos continue to narrowly escape defeat but Kubiak has got to get the wheels turning on offense. Peyton’s struggles continue.

6. Falcons (+3)

Another huge win by Atlanta, one of the biggest surprises in the NFL. Call it the #QuinnEffect.

7. Vikings (+3)

They lost to Denver by three in Mile High. That deserves serious props.

8. Chiefs (+0)

Another loss to a great team. They need to win against one of these big opponents if they want to remain in the top ten.

9. Jets (+2)

After a suspect loss to the Eagles, the Jets got back on track against the Dolphins. Chris Ivory’s return played a huge part, grabbing the top spot in my top five this week.

10. Bills (-3)

The Bills are very inconsistent this year. They play great one week and are nowhere to be found the next.

11. Seahawks (-5)

Seattle’s offense is limp without Lynch. I don’t know how much longer the team can hold on. They’ve got to start producing. The defense cannot win this team games against real competition alone.

12. Panthers (+3)

Carolina might be undefeated, but they’ve played weak teams each and every week: Jaguars, Saints, Texans and  Buccaneers. Let’s see how the team does against middle-tier teams.

13. Rams (+4)

Huge win over Seattle, garbage loss against Redskins. Weak loss against Pittsburgh, upset over Arizona. St. Louis needs to show some consistency. I have no idea how good or bad this team is.

14. Giants (+4)

Big win over Buffalo. Eli was number two on my top five performances of the week.

15. Steelers (-1)

Josh Scobee, along with some questionable fourth down calls, caused the Steelers to lose a game they had no right losing.

16. Chargers (-4)

San Diego continues to fall. They beat Cleveland by three and Melvin Gordon has still failed to burst out. I benched him in fantasy this week. Chargers traded up for him and need to make him a bigger part of the offense.

17. Cowboys (-4)

The best offensive line in football is there and isn’t being utilized correctly. Run the ball, Dallas. Losing to New Orleans is embarrassing.

18. Ravens (-2)

They might have won their first game and avoided an 0-4 slate, but they had no right winning this game and they know it.

19. Texans (+0)

Where is the Houston defense? They got crushed by Atlanta and continue to falter without a healthy Foster.

20. Raiders (+2)

They lost to Chicago, but still look respectable, which is saying something.

21. Lions (-1)

They lost to Seattle thanks to a missed call, but still look dreadful on both sides of the ball.

22. Colts (-1)

No Andrew Luck means a team without an offense. Or does it? Hasselbeck looks better than Luck did. I still maintain Luck’s hurt. A quarterback as good as Andrew Luck doesn’t tank that fast. I’m pretty sure he was playing hurt. Team still has no running game because, as I’ve maintained for years, the scheme is the problem, not the players. Adrian Peterson would struggle to run the ball in Indianapolis. The offensive line is trash, as I expected as well. Colts defense is weak, as I expected. I still don’t know how people were picking the Colts to make it to the Super Bowl.

23. Browns (+0)

A narrow loss against San Diego. Where’s Johnny?

24. Redskins (+0)

A comeback win over Philly isn’t all that impressive.

25. Eagles (+0)

Philly is so bad this year. So bad. Chip Kelly should be fired by the end of the year.

26. Saints (+2)

They beat Dallas and Drew Brees looked healthy again.

27. Dolphins (-1)

The train keeps going downhill in Miami. Luckily, they have two weeks to figure it out with their bye week.

28. Jaguars (+2)

They hung with Indianapolis and that’s something, even if the AFC South is the weakest division in football right now.

29. Titans (+0)

Bye. I’m interested to see how they bounce back after a huge blown lead against Indianapolis.

30. Buccaneers (-3)

Too early to call Jameis Winston a bust, but the struggle is real. Mike Evans is having a sophomore slump and the defensive ineptitude continues.

31. 49ers (+0)

San Francisco is having the down year we all expected.

32. Bears (+0)

They beat the Raiders but they’ll have to do more than that to get off the ground.

Biggest Climb: Giants, Rams (+4)

Biggest Drop: Seahawks (-5)

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Tim Sports Report for 2015 NFL Week 4

Late again. Finally getting on top of things. Stay tuned.

Top 5

  1. RB Chris Ivory 29 carries for 166 yards, TD vs. MIA

2. QB Eli Manning 20/35 for 212 yards, 3 TDs, INT, 91.6 passer rating vs. BUF

3. RB Devonta Freeman 14 carries for 68 yards, 3 TDs vs. HOU

First running back to score three touchdowns in his first two starts. Seven touchdowns in his first four games, the most since LaDainian Tomlinson had eight in 2005.

4. RB Todd Gurley 19 carries for 146 yards vs. ARI

5. RB Justin Forsett 27 carries for 150 yards vs. PIT

Worst of the Worst

5. Eagles blow game late to Washington, fall to 1-3

4. Dolphins crushed by Jets, fire Philbin

3. QB Jameis Winston 26/43 for 287 yards, 2 TDs, 4 INTs, 57.0 passer rating vs. CAR

2. Blown call in endzone for illegal touching in DET-SEA game

  1. Josh Scobee misses two late field goals, leads to Steelers losing in overtime.

Steelers Recap

Josh freaking Scobee. I don’t think I’ve hated a Steelers player this much since Tommy Maddux. I don’t know what kicker we traded for, but I’m fairly certain it wasn’t Josh Scobee because Scobee could kick when he was in Jacksonville. The player that was in the lineup for the Steelers these past few weeks clearly could not. Scobee missed two crucial field goals against the Ravens, allowing Baltimore time to regain its composure, tie the game, and win it in overtime. There also was Todd Haley’s questionable play calls on two fourth down opportunities in the fourth quarter, a quarterback designed run, which failed miserably, and a pass that Vick threw over the head of Antonio Brown. In short yardage, handing it to Le’Veon Bell, who ran over the Ravens defense most of the game, was the clear choice and I still remain dumbfounded why the Steelers didn’t take that option.

The Steelers should have beat this team. The Ravens are far worse than I expected them to be this year and you cannot lose to division rivals at home, not in the AFC North. They go on the road to San Diego this week, who is also falling behind my expectations. Melvin Gordon hasn’t been the dynamic player everyone expected and the Chargers defense struggled to hold Cleveland. I still have the Chargers for this game though because of the Steelers poor secondary. It’s definitely a winnable game for Pittsburgh though.

Game of the Week: Seahawks @ Bengals

If you didn’t get a chance to see this game, you missed out big time. Best game of the year thus far.

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Tim Sports Report for 2015 NFL Week 3

Super late, but Week 4 is coming up.

Top 5

  1. QB Aaron Rodgers 24/35 for 333 yards, 5 TDs, 138.5 passer rating vs. KC

2. WR A.J. Green 10 receptions for 227 yards, 2 TDs vs. BAL

3. RB Devonta Freeman 30 carries for 141 yards, 3 TDs vs. DAL

4. WR Steve Smith 13 receptions for 186 yards, 2 TDs vs. CIN

5. WR Julio Jones 12 receptions for 164 yards, 2 TDs vs. DAL

Worst of the Worst

5. QB Ryan Fitzpatrick 35/58 for 283 yards, 2 TDs, 3 INTs, 62.6 passer rating vs. PHI

4. Skip Bayless’ Dallas bias. I follow him on Twitter just to see what obnoxious thing he says next, but it feels like I’m following a Cowboys cheerleader.

3. Dallas allows 22 unanswered points vs. ATL

2. TEN allows 21 unanswered points in 4th quarter, blows game vs. IND

  1. QB Colin Kaepernick 9/19 for 67 yards, 4 INTs (including two pick-6’s), 16.7 passer rating vs. ARI

Steelers Recap

The loss of Ben is all that needs to be said here. The Steelers struggled to score against the Rams, even with the return of Le’Veon Bell. That made this game far more of a tug-of-war than it should have been, but the defense kept us in the game. They haven’t been playing great offensive squads, granted, but they’ve been holding their own.

Game of the Week: Chiefs @ Bengals

Two top-ten teams square off. I’ll take the surprising Bengals at home.

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Movie Review: The Forbidden Dimensions

Why do I even bother?

I’ve been asking myself that question a lot during the last couple of weeks. Work has been piling on, I’ve fallen behind on some things and have had to stay up all night to catch up. I haven’t had time to relax without something looming over my shoulder.

After watching a film like The Forbidden Dimensions, I know why I bother.

There are legendary films that will live on forever, films like Gladiator, The Shawshank Redemption and Good Will Hunting. There are great films and there are good films. There are decent films, mediocre films and agonizing films, but the ones that remind me why I bother are the torturous films, films so bad, so unequivocally limitless in their unending carnage, so disastrous in everything they attempt and so genuinely overflowing with suckage, that I know a wrong must be righted and that I must take up the sword and do the deed because no one else will. There are different types of courage and I don’t consider myself a courageous fellow, but my thirst for justice is unwavering and this, my friends and fellow film warriors, needs brought to justice.

Read this plot synopsis from IMDB:
“Jack Slade was born during a solar eclipse in the year 1980. 18 years later, he finds out he has the ability to travel into the future. He projects himself into the year 2035, where society has been destroyed by a fascist regiment of psychopathic doctors that rule the wastelands, creating deformed mutants with a serum synthesized from the flesh of dead aliens. Now Slade must travel back to the year 1998 to destroy a device known as the wavelength generator, which opened the dimensional gateways to these alien beings. With the help of an army of female outlaws and a sleazy detective, Slade re-connects with the star child Khadijah, who holds the key to stopping these tragic events from ever taking place.”

Wow. Just wow.

The amount of brain cells lost during this sour escapade was in the millions between me and my seven-plus friends. All of us writhed in agony, trying to keep our brains from exploding all over the carpet. The plot alone, without regarding any other aspect of The Forbidden Dimensions, is an unsoiled example of cataclysmic abundance. A story this far gone from sentence structure or basic forms of brain matter is vileness that I won’t forget any time soon. It is a personal attack on the science fiction genre and to believe that this film belonged anywhere is absurd. Frankenstein could watch this movie and mock how hopeless it is and say, with great pleasure I’m sure, that he belonged in our society more than this derelict sampling of incompetent imaginings. If a dream to create another world, realm or time at all existed in this complexion of toxic waste, it was a dream that in physical form must have looked like a teenager who had been in five car accidents because he was irresponsible, broken all of his ribs, done every sort of drug from heroin to Nyquil, walked with a limp and a cane in the opposite hand because he was too dumb to know how to use it, a nose that had been broken every which way in numerous drunken quarrels, had facial scars Frankenstein could be impressed by and whose hands had been mutilated by fireworks like Jason Pierre-Paul. Its personality would be covered in blind hatred and stupidity, with no ability to empathize or care for another human being’s trials. This creation would be so meaningless that if Waste Management had seen it walking on the curb, they would try to load it in with the rest of the trash.

And to think, that is but one segment of this mesh of indiscernible mumbling that is so inconclusive that the term abstract can’t be applied to it.

The concept of acting was clearly not discussed nor communicated to the participants of this catastrophe. Granted, no one knowledgeable was present to do any of the communicating so they never jumped over the first obstacle: knowing what acting is.

When you watch a film and you legitimately wonder if cue cards were put next to the camera in every scene, that’s when you know you’ve found a real winner of a movie. With no emotional attachment to their lines or character ornaments to speak of, the lines might have been better off being read by Siri. Could these characters be any worse, these actors any more careless in their delivery? Speaking of delivery, I bet UPS drivers could be better actors than the people gifted with an end credit here. Lifeless and emotionless, the zombies on The Walking Dead have more life than these actors.

No hands were offered to them either. There are so many things that could be accomplished easier than reading the lines from this script and making it sound the least bit intriguing: running into a wall, skydiving into a volcano, boating along the coast of Somalia, driving across the city of New York in five minutes, jumping to Pluto and swimming to the bottom of the Pacific all come to mind. The stupid is unreal. There are internet trolls jealous of this film’s unfailing ability to stir the rage in all who view it. They probably watch this crustacean daily trying to learn its secrets.

But if there was one thing I had to peg as clearly the worst, and I mean the worst, of this ash-covered, barbed wire-infused, burnt steak covered in baby feces, it would be the camera work. In every scene, the talent’s face fills the whole screen. If you know anything about camera work, you would know what it means to highlight the center of your attention and how to shoot an effective angle. Every which way that you could find to shoot an inappropriate angle in the three-dimensional realm, The Forbidden Dimensions’ camera crew will find a way. Super close-ups, odd, clearly ineffective angles, super close-ups, poor lighting, super close-ups, lighting contrast, super close-ups, slow edits and yes, more damn close-ups, are littered through every second of this malnourished, drug-addicted demon child. A communication medium built on visual storytelling, the only storytelling going on in The Forbidden Dimensions is what it would be like being hindered by shrooms and LSD. This film hates epileptics and people with eyes, it detests people with brains and it makes the barrel of a shotgun look mighty appetizing.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Avengers: Age of UltronThe AvengersThe BabadookInterstellarChappie)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable GuyThe Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Black Mass,Enemy at the GatesAnchorman 2: The Legend ContinuesLeon: The ProfessionalEnemy)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Terminator: GenisysBlack SheepTwistedParkerHouse at the End of the Street)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (EverestHerculesThe SentinelMad Max: Fury RoadBlitz)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (The Lost BoysZombeaversCrankErasedI, Frankenstein)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (CenturionPlanet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The VisitThe Fantastic FourThe Boy Next DoorThe ColonyIn the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (CyborgOutcastSabotageGallowwalkersTucker & Dale vs. Evil)

My score for The Forbidden Dimensions: 9.

Beaten only by the forever engraved Alien 3, The Forbidden Dimensions is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. Without a doubt the worst production value I’ve witnessed, this apocalyptic, time-bending contraption needs to be sucked through a wormhole and be forever lost in the abyss. I slap an Extreme Suckage on this with delight, but let it be known that is the only pleasure I discovered during this torrential downpour of molding, scab-covered rats.

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2015-2016 NFL Power Rankings: Week 3

Sorry it’s late this week.

1. Patriots (+0)

The Patriots are still the team to beat. Tom Brady leads the MVP race through the first three weeks. The Patriots’ defense looks fine despite huge losses in the secondary.

2. Packers (+0)

Another win over a top-ten team.

3. Cardinals (+0)

The Cardinals are one of the highest-scoring teams in the league. Carson Palmer is a top-five quarterback right now.

4. Bengals (+5)

A narrow win over the Ravens demonstrated the Bengals have an offense.

5. Broncos (+0)

Peyton still doesn’t look himself, leading me to believe this might be his last rodeo. The Broncos’ defense is the best in the league with the mastermind known as Wade Phillips at the helm.

6. Seahawks (-2)

Seattle struggled again, this time against the worst team in the league. No excuse can be made here.

7. Bills (+0)

They shredded the Dolphins in Miami 41-14. Even with McCoy’s struggles, which I expected, the Bills are easily top-ten.

8. Chiefs (+0)

The Chiefs defense remains dominant and they’ve had two tough losses against two great teams in Denver and Green Bay. Both losses were close and the offense is competing.

9. Falcons (+5)

Matt Ryan and Julio are the hottest combo in the league right now. They scored 22 unanswered points in Dallas and Devonta Freeman

10. Vikings (+2)

A sure 31-14 over Rivers and the Chargers looks good on a resume. Mike Zimmer’s is one of the best emerging coaches.

11. Jets (-5)

You’re the Jets, one of the best defenses in the league. You cannot lose to the Eagles and expect to maintain a top-ten spot. Ivory’s absence hurt a lot.

12. Chargers (-2)

They’ll fall a lot more if they don’t get their act together quick. Where’s the electricity of Melvin Gordon we were promised?

13. Cowboys (-2)

The allowed 22 unanswered points to the Falcons. That, no matter who you’re playing, is unacceptable.

14. Steelers (-1)

A narrow win against the Rams, Ben’s injury will hurt this team a lot. Defense has showed some promise lately.

15. Panthers (+3)

Their schedule is garbage.Wins over Jacksonville, the struggling Texans and the Saints is hardly eye-raising. They play the Bucs this week, another weak team. I want to see how they play against real competition.

16. Ravens (-1)

They lost to Cincinnati in a close one. The defense can’t do everything.

17. Rams (-1)

No offense.

18. Giants (+5)

The Giants defense is looking much better than last year under Steve Spagnuolo.

19. Texans (+3)

Their first win of the season was a longtime coming. The defense isn’t what it used to be or should be. Foster can’t return soon enough.

20. Lions (-1)

The defense is weak and after more than a decade, they still haven’t found a running game.

21. Colts (-4)

Andrew Luck has no help. Thanks to his magic, they managed a fourth-quarter rally that led to a win over the Titans. That rally should have never had to happen for them to beat Tennessee.

22. Raiders (+6)

Wins over Baltimore and Cleveland. The Raiders look like a football team. Derek Carr is serviceable right now.

23. Browns (-3)

Johnny Manziel should be starting in Cleveland. The defense is still weak against the run.

24. Redskins (+0)

They started Matt Jones over Alfred Morris, a top-ten running back. Why? Because they’re the Skins. Who knows.

25. Eagles (+0)

I’m convinced the win over the Jets was a fluke. That, coupled with their poor play in their first two games, makes me reluctant to boost them in the rankings.

26. Dolphins (-5)

They look awful. Philbin needs to be fired.

27. Buccaneers (-1)

Jameis Winston is a joke and I’m thrilled about that. Karma is easy to root for.

28. Saints (+3)

Luke McCown started for the Saints and they only lost to Carolina by 5. Props.

29. Titans (+1)

They made Indianapolis look like a bottom-ten team for three quarters and then gave them the game. Inexcusable.

30. Jaguars (-1)

Destroyed by New England.

31. 49ers (-4)

Colin Kaepernick threw a pick-six on his first two attempts. Blaine Gabbert’s looking pretty good these days.

32. Bears (+0)

They didn’t get destroyed by Seattle but they’re not getting any points from me.

Biggest Climb: Raiders (+6)

Biggest Fall: Jets, Dolphins (-5)

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