A True Fan

If you haven’t read my post, Why Sports Are More Than Just a Game, you might want to do that before you read this.

If you didn’t watch the Pittsburgh Penguins face off against the Washington Capitals this past Monday, you missed a bunch.

To get informed, copy the link below and search it.

http://www.sbnation.com/nhl/2015/2/17/8057295/fans-chant-ovi-sucks-throw-beer-on-alex-ovechkin-after-letang-slash

The gifs of what happened and everything is included in that link but here’s what happened from my view in the stands.

Alex Ovechkin decided to slash Kris Letang’s leg with a swing that was comparable to a baseball swing.

Letang understandably lost his footing and crashed into the boards. No penalty was called and I don’t know how because it was blatant slashing. It was dramatic and so obvious and yet somehow the referees still missed the call. I don’t know how but it happened.

As you can imagine, the Penguins fans in Consol Energy Center were enraged, including me. I already had a passionate hatred of Ovi before this altercation. This was just more salt in the wound.

Fans chanted “Ovi Sucks” throughout the remainder of the game including me at the full expanse of my vocal chord.

I went with my university, which offered discounted tickets, meaning some of the student body was in attendance there with me.

To my surprise, one kid on this trip asked me to calm down, as did two non-students in the row in front of me. He told me, “It is just a game.” I said no and told this kid to move to D.C. He gave me “the bird” in return.

I’m a passionate person, especially when it comes to sports. I’m a competitive person rooting for more than a team. I’m rooting for what they represent: the city of Pittsburgh.

Those who still believe sports are just a game still fail to comprehend what sports are and why fan bases become so dedicated to them.

Why do you think people buy season tickets? Do you really think it’s all just for fun and drinking? Are you really so naive that you think that’s all there is to it? Do you think people dedicate 41 nights at the arena and another 41 watching the Pens on T.V. just to “have fun and drink?” You really think that’s all that’s at stake here?

It’s about being a team and believing in something more.

It’s about believing that your city and the people in it are capable of reaching the stars.

It’s about believing there’s light at the end of the tunnel because yes, work sucked, but the Pens play tonight.

It’s about looking forward to the future and believing you have a future worth living.

It’s about defending your team like they were one of your own.

These people who were telling me to calm down were doing so after witnessing Ovechkin maliciously try to chop Letang’s leg off with a hockey stick. Asking me to calm down is asking me to calm down when my brother gets punched on the playground at school.

Asking me to calm down is asking me to help a lady off the street after a criminal sent her a right hook and ran off with her purse. Sure, I could have yelled, “Hey, he stole that lady’s purse” and chased after him, but that would excite things and might make some people uncomfortable.

Asking me to calm down is asking me to be composed when the police officers that killed Michael Brown and Eric Garner get off without any legal repercussions.

Asking me to calm down is asking me to ignore the values of respect and justice, asking me to ignore the American, no, worldwide ideal, that where there are wrongs committed, justice will be served.

Asking me to calm down is asking me to condone the actions of one Alexander Ovechkin.

I will not calm down. I will not standby when my brother gets punched on the playground.

I will not calm down. I will not be a pacifist in a world full of aggressors.

I will not calm down. I will not accept things for what they are and make no effort to change them.

I will not calm down. I will not condone the actions of one Alexander Ovechkin.

This is not the first time that this student has asked me to calm down. It is the second. This student is a poser, a fake fan, someone who doesn’t support anything. He will jump on the lazy river at Kennywood and ride it forever if he has the time. He will make no real difference in the world. He will be set on idle mode all his life because to him, there was apparently nothing wrong with Ovechkin trying to play the role of butcher. If he can sustain self-control through an action as disrespectful and malicious as that, he clearly doesn’t look at the team as a family. If he had, I’d like to believe he would have reacted, unless he truly has no soul and would be okay if the same actions occurred to his father. Something tells me if his father, mother, or sibling had been in that uniform, he would have went into a craze like I did.

There are certain areas where you should carry yourself in the most dignified manner possible. A hockey arena, or any sporting event aside from golf, is not that place. In my opinion, a sporting venue should be treated no differently than your home. You are in public, yes, but you are at home. This is your home turf.

Someone who doesn’t understand the true meaning of sports will never be viewed as a fan in my book. He will forever be a poser.

The same goes for those who root for players with no moral compass. During this same game, there were plenty of visiting Capitals fans that wore the garb of Alex Ovechkin. All I could think was:

These people support Ovechkin.

They support someone who has made a career puck-hogging.

A player that has coincidentally led the league in shots in eight of his nine years in the league, a player that was so selfish with the puck, he had a shot percentage of 8.7 in 2010! 8.7!

A player’s defense that was so bad he put up a -35 plus-minus last year, the third-worst mark in the league.

A player that has made a career of dirty play.

Yet there were fans in the stands, yelling “Cups, cups, cups” and flaunting their Ovechkin jersey’s like they were robes from the Divine Himself. They were incognizant of the event or simply didn’t care that one of their players did one of the dirtiest things in the whole game of hockey. I suppose they’d be fans of anyone with character issues or run-ins with the law as well. I don’t respect anyone who can support players like that. They’re not supporting their city. They’re supporting thugs.

In closing, understand what you’re rooting for when you come into an arena and if you’re not going to treat the team like your family, please head to the exit with the rest of the posers.

Movie Review: Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead

I would like to preface this review by saying I never expected Dead Snow to be a good movie. Something I do to relax and calm my nerves is watch a bad movie and hate on it, which Netflix is the perfect avenue for. I brought up a zombie movie I did not expect to be good. Dead Snow was a rare exception on Netflix, at least these days. It was a truly good film.

Good, not great. Looking back on it and skimming over the review I did for Dead Snow, something I continually hammered on was director Tommy Wirkola’s lack of direction and the film’s immobility for most of the first half. There was some suspense and there was a little pull on me to stick with it but I think that yank may have been my want to see a movie at the time, not Wirkola.

However, I’ve seen Dead Snow twice which means it has some draw to it and I think that draw is that it’s too fun of a movie to not show your friends. It drags, it can be incompetent material at times and it’s certainly not to be taken seriously but it adequately meets the standard of fun.

So I was pumped for Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead. Despite its flaws as a film, I have fond memories of Dead Snow and while I had no idea how the film’s story would transition into a sequel, this was a film I was okay with having a sequel. There are so many sequels these days that are made purely for the dough and not for the story. This was a film that was made for the fun it gave the crew that made it and the fans who watched it. It only made $1.9 million at the box office.

Yes, Dead Snow is a foreign film, made in Norway so you should probably take that into consideration but I applaud the efforts. Money was not the top goal here and I truly appreciate that. Nice to see we’re not all obsessed with gold like those Nazi zombies.

Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead was a blast and carried so much more weight for me than its predecessor.

For one, Wirkola decided to loosen the reins on this script and just let it flow. The way the dialogue was written, I don’t think Wirkola needed to do much here. Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead is more comedy than any zombie movie I’ve seen, including Zombieland. This movie is a gut-buster in more ways than one. Dark humor is a mainstay. Wirkola loves having people lose their intestines so enjoy some of that. Like for real, I think there’s an intestine obsession going on here.

The costumes and visual effects took a step up as did the tempo and entertainment value.

The plot is out there and it’s a go-with-it element. If you’ve been reading this for a while, you know I hate go-with-it elements but when utilized in comedies, it doesn’t bug me as much. Yes, this story is pretty ridiculous on quite a few levels but if you’re willing to accept them for what they are, you can have a real jump.

The comedy writing is phenomenal and the actors do a pretty good job of dropping their lines into our greedy, give-me-more hands. With that said, this film isn’t all a party. Action sequences are taken seriously even if some of the kills in this film are exceedingly preposterous. Not saying some of these kills would or would not happen but the creativity this film offers with our zombie-executions is remarkable. It kept me laughing the whole way through.

The amount of time these actors invested into this film can be demonstrated not by their performances but by the way they handle these roles. The timing is perfect. No joke fell flat. If anything, it felt like each one was on an escalator. After each one, we found ourselves holding our breath in anticipation of the next one. Then the dominoes of our self-control would come crumbling down after yet another brilliantly-executed gag.

Yet, there was something that Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead was missing and it took me a couple minutes following the film to realize what it was. What Wirkola’s sequel is missing is not uncommon. Nearly every comedy I watch is missing it because when screenwriters go to the drawing board, this isn’t the first, second or third thing that comes to their minds. The thing that’s missing is a takeaway, a life lesson.

A quick example of what I mean by life lesson can be demonstrated in a speech in Step Brothers.

At the infamous Catalina Wine Mixer, we get a speech that indirectly says, grow up, but never forget your childhood. I’m talking about the “don’t lose your dinosaur” speech.

If you haven’t seen Step Brothers yet, shame on you sir/madam. Shame on you.

Basically, the whole reason Step Brothers gets so many points from me (I haven’t written a review on this yet but when I do, I think my score will surprise you) is because it understood that life can’t be all about laughs. It isn’t. That’s not how life works. Life gets serious more often than it gets funny and while we watch comedies to distract us from the stresses of our lives, we need to be given some confidence as well, something that gives us that boost of motivation to want to go back out there and weather the storm. Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead is missing that.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (American Beauty, Gone Girl, Mulan, Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable Guy, The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(Snowpiercer, The Family, When the Game Stands Tall, Black Hawk Down, Red Dawn(2012))

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Twisted, Parker, House at the End of the Street, The Raven, Dead Snow)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Rage, Zoolander, The Expendables 3, Homefront, G.I. Joe: Retaliation)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Erased, I, Frankenstein, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Colony, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Sabotage, Gallowwalkers, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe, Watchmen)

My score for Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead: 72.

You’ll find brand new fire in this installment and it’s a jolly good time but absence of the reflection element, as well as any real character depth, does make this a journey without a compass. Dead Snow: Red vs. Dead still comes highly recommended from me. It is sure to tickle your funny bone at some point.

Movies in 2014

This has been a long time coming. Should have posted this like two months ago. Nonetheless, here’s a belated issue of my awards for the best films of 2014. As always, there are some films I didn’t get to see this year and there are others I got to see but did not review. Among the notable ones I did not see as of this writing: Interstellar, Birdman, Foxcatcher, Boyhood, The Imitation Game, Selma, Nightcrawler, The Drop and American Sniper.

Best Picture and 4 Runner-Ups

Last year’s winners: 1) 42 2) Iron Man 3 3) Olympus Has Fallen 4) World War Z 5) Star Trek: Into Darkness

This year’s winners:

5) Godzilla

Looking back, I gave this film more credit than it deserved. With that said, Godzilla was still about what I was expecting. Gareth Edwards directed some suspense and some of the best visual effects of the year with the CGI monster god and his radioactive foes. Yes, Elizabeth Olsen and Kick-Ass‘s Aaron Taylor-Johnson didn’t excel in their roles. Yes, Godzilla had like 20 minutes of screen time in his own movie and yes, Bryan Cranston was removed far too early, but despite all of that, it was still awesome. Godzilla still got to roar in the camera and I still got to live in the moments of my childhood, back when Godzilla was cool, before this mistake.

“While the pressure for this film to succeed seemed infinite, a successful American Godzilla movie has finally been made. Godzilla may not be perfect, but it’s a huge improvement from the memories of the past and is definitely a must-see and must-buy on its way to becoming one of the biggest box office hits of the summer.”

-excerpt from my review

4) Transformers: Age of Extinction

Nothing I can say will convince anyone that this should be on this list and it probably shouldn’t be. I’m a huge fan of Michael Bay and his exaggerated explosions and even though his stories seem to get more predictable each year and the acting seems to get worse for each sequel, the same adrenaline-filled explosions, racist stereotypes and digital imagery continues to be displayed and as long as it does, I’ll still love these movies because the child inside of me refuses to hate them.

“An astoundingly fortified film, Transformers: Age of Extinction manages to thrill audiences with a new assortment of personalities both human and alien along with some more special effects from the boom master himself. If you walk out of the theater disappointed after Transformers: Age of Extinction, it’s probably your own fault because you should have known what you were getting going in.”

-excerpt from my review

3) The Judge

David Dobkin’s The Judge provided one of the year’s best pure dramas. The conflicting characters of Robert Downey, Jr. and Robert Duvall created the family tension that many of today’s Americans find so easily relatable. Vera Farmiga played a solid supporting role and that, coupled with some surprising plot diversions and adamant subplots, made The Judge a worthwhile travel into a small family town.

Didn’t get to write a review on this one, but I will next time I see it. Robert Downey, Jr. showed he’s not typecasted and does hold some characters not named Tony Stark inside him.

2) Guardians of the Galaxy 

The Chris Pratt-led gang of intergalactic convicts blew the box office out of the water, making just short of $775 million. Dave Bautista showed some acting prowess, the cast’s comedic timing was great and the script was on point. Also carrying one of the best film soundtracks in recent memory, the Guardians of the Galaxy had some solid visual effects. A firm lesson about letting life evolve around you, Guardians of the Galaxy, dare I say it, may have been better than The Avengers.

“As a kid and an adult, many of our dreams will involve watching superhero epics and this film is that dream. I doubt this film will be beaten by any film this year in the box office or by my scoring. Dare I say, this may have been better than The Avengers?”

-excerpt from my review

1) Gone Girl

The ceiling can’t hold us (Macklemore reference), or at least that’s what the cast and crew of Gone Girl must have said when viewing their finished product. David Fincher once again solidified his pristine resume and bolstered his cinematic reputation with this year’s best film. Granted, I missed some of the best picture nominations as you can see above, but based off of what I’ve seen, Gone Girl led the pack in 2014. An award-worthy script and acting duo, coupled with Fincher’s detail-oriented mind, made a suspense thriller not only memorable but engraved in some of our minds forever.

“David Fichter’s latest venture Gone Girl should expect a few Oscars at this year’s ceremony and Gillian Flynn should expect to sell a few million more copies of her book because with two great leads and great direction, Gone Girl is bound to be one of the greatest films of 2014.”

-excerpt from my review

Worst Picture and 4 Runner-Ups

Last year’s winners: 1) Thor: The Dark World 2) The Great Gatsby 3) Oz The Great and Powerful 4) After Earth 5) G.I. Joe: Retaliation

5) I, Frankenstein

I wanted to see this all year. I knew it was going to be bad, really bad, like so bad bad doesn’t even quantify the product’s lack of achievements but I still wanted to see it. It was a bust by far. Far too much exposition and explaining and not enough pushing forward with the screenplay, I, Frankenstein stalled in the middle of the hill and slowly fell down so that by the time it started to hit the gas a little, it was far too late.

“A thoughtless venture, which I suppose is ironic considering the subject matter, I, Frankenstein is bad but not degenerative. The action starves and the plot is moot, but I still got a little fun out of this, bumping it from the low 40’s.”

-excerpt from my review

4) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Michael Bay might have produced it but it was a loud thud on the brains of Turtle fandom. This film was yet another failed attempt to revitalize one of the better comic book series and so Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo and Raphael will have to wait some more before their material is served justice and their fans luxury.

“Perhaps doomed from the start, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is too predictable, ineffective and inefficient to be entertaining let alone bearable. Turtle fans will have to lay in endless restlessness for a while longer before they are content, or preferably, satisfied. Despite all this, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will probably make a decent chunk of change from box office revenue because of the young folk that don’t know a good movie from a bad one, which could sprout a sequel, and make all of true Turtle fandom curse the Hollywood gods.”

-excerpt from my review

3) X-Men: Days of Future Past

I’m almost positive I was in the minority with this one, but I hated this with a burning passion that would rival the embers of Mount Doom. Not only has Bryan Singer become one of my least favorite directors of all-time, the film loved to just erase all previous storylines as if the mistakes of the X-Men franchise could just be unwritten by a time-traveling ordeal. The characters are so easy to hate due to the irrational decisions they seem incapable of avoiding. The best scene hands-down was when Quicksilver demonstrated his awesomeness but the X-Men decided not to take him on the rest of the film’s journey because apparently doing it the hard way is the X-Men way. Let’s forget about the fact that Quicksilver could prevent any bullet Mystique tried to fire from hitting Trask or anyone else for that matter and could end any stalemate in milliseconds, but whatever, we’ve gotten Wolverine practicing his English over here and James McAvoy massaging his temple. Let’s film that instead.

“Similar to The Amazing Spider-Man 2, X-Men: Days of Future Past promised fans an action feature and instead gave fans something entirely different. While The Amazing Spider-Man 2 gave us an enthralling romance, X-Men: Days of Future Past gave us boring dialogue, an overly complicated plot and lightweight characters to make audiences care far less for an X-Men film than previously thought humanly possible.”

-excerpt from my review

2) A Haunted House 2

Fun story: So my brother and I were going to see this because the trailer made me howl like a hyena multiple times. We got all the way there and my brother forgot his I.D so they wouldn’t let him in, ergo I didn’t get to see it with him because he decided to be stupid that day. However, I should have seen it as a sign from God, not my brother’s stupidity because this movie was reprehensible. Far too much stand-up comedy routines that weren’t funny and contained offensive humor. I love offensive humor but this film took it to a crypt I was not willing to travel to.

“Somehow not the worst film of 2014 (that distinction belongs to Open Grave), A Haunted House 2 is still one of the worst sequels I’ve ever seen as well as one of the most tasteless “comedies” I’ve ever seen. The sad thing is that Marlon Wayans somehow has a net worth of 15 million dollars for making disheveled sewage like this.”

-excerpt from my review

1) Open Grave

This movie is terrible. Really don’t want to talk about it anymore than I need to.

“This movie is like a giant unopened Christmas present and you unwrap all the paper and scramble through all the unnecessary tissue paper looking for your present and after looking through it for five minutes you come to the realization that there is no present. Open Grave is dreadful, atrocious, deplorable and every other synonym for terrible you can find. No one involved with this visual representation knows what is going on and the fact that this is even categorized as a movie disgusts me. I know some YouTube filmmakers who make better movies than this. This movie needs to be buried because no one wants to see this. (see what I did there?) It is a huge waste of time and if you know what’s good for your well-being, you won’t see it.”

-excerpt from my review

Best Actor 

Last year’s winner: Chadwick Boseman- Jackie Robinson, 42

Robert Downey Jr, The Judge

Worst Actor

Last year’s winner: James Franco- Oz, Oz The Great and Powerful

Sharlto Copley, Open Grave/Maleficent

Best Actress

Last year’s winner: No one.

Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl

Worst Actress

Last year’s winner: Natalie Portman- Jane Foster, Thor: The Dark World

Megan Fox, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Best Director

Last year’s winner: J.J. Abrams, Star Trek: Into Darkness

David Fincher, Gone Girl

Best Special Effects

Last year’s winner: Man of Steel

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Best Screenplay

Last year’s winner: None, new category!

Gone Girl

Best Score

Last year’s winner: Man of Steel

Guardians of the Galaxy

Movie Review: The Cable Guy

I didn’t want to go to Netflix because->see last few posts on my blog->but I was with friends and they wanted to watch a comedy and none of the films I have in my room waiting for me are comedies. So we’re scrolling through and I’m cringing as the titles continue to cross from right to left until this swooped in to save the day.

I’d seen the second half of The Cable Guy multiple times on TV but I’d never seen the whole thing in one sitting. I’d always catch it half way through.

Steven Kovacs’ (Matthew Broderick) life is in a downward spiral after a marriage proposal gets him kicked out of his love’s apartment. Now in a new residence, he can’t get the cable to work. Just a bad day overall. Then the cable guy shows up.

To call cable guy Chip Douglas (Jim Carrey) goofy would be true but only a page into the literature laid before us. Chip is so much more than that, as Steven will find out in the next few days. Chip’s pushy, invasive personality proves to be exactly what laid-back, passive Steven needs and a friendship ensues.

Chip’s eccentricity and brashness, as well as a prevalent lisp, are his defining traits but there’s also his sometimes odd sense of humor, his awkwardly fluid body movements and hand gestures and let’s not forget those terrible comebacks.

Yet with all that said, I’ll go ahead and say it: Chip is a likable guy. He’s weird and you’d probably be embarrassed to be seen in public with the guy sometimes but you’d still be by his side at the end of the day, or at least I would. Some parallels to Catcher in the Rye‘s Holden Caulfield came to mind although I doubt that was done on purpose. Either way, Chip is a pitiful character who tries too hard to fit in. Not a role model for children.

However, Steven sticks with the guy and even has fun with Chip once in a while. Eventually that routine becomes monotonous and things turn for the worse when Chip oversteps his bounds but Ben Stiller, this time in a directorial capacity, demonstrates such a person has the ability to co-exist in this world.

Chip may be clingy and mentally unhealthy but that is due to child neglect, not his personality.

All of this has nothing to do with the plot whatsoever but it mattered to me because it clarified that a character like this isn’t out of the realm of possibility. Rarely do comedies bother with that. Billy Madison is a perfect example.

A comedy willing to step away from the material and create a sidebar of true narrative form and meaning will get a lot of bonus points from me. Remember, takeaways are what make films live on. What makes The Cable Guy memorable? Stuff like this.

Chip does all in his power to make Steven’s life a good time and never forgoes that objective. Selfless dedication that borders obsessive stalking, Chip always means well but people don’t always take what’s gifted to them with open arms and a brimming grin.

When Steven tries to ex-communicate Chip from his life, it doesn’t work out the way he hoped. Chip doesn’t give up. He pushes further.

With the vengeance of a child but the cunning of an adult, Chip finds his way into the fiance’s good graces and into a family get-together that brings a whole new sense of awkward into Steven’s life. While the dinner and festivities afterward prove a brilliant laugh factory, they also convince me a character like Chip isn’t out of the realm of possibility, only making the character writing look all that more impressive because very often comedy writers seek to acquire the most absurd person they can think of rather than mimic a character off of real life experience. Chip carries enough fiction and real-life interaction to make him one-of-a-kind and man, is he fun to watch.

However, I doubt it would be half as fun without Jim Carrey in some of his finest work. This film reminds me how much I miss funny people and how much I’m sure they miss us. With Robin Williams passing and Jim Carrey’s apparent disappearance from the silver screen, it hastens me to say we’re entering a new generation of actors for the genre. My only hope is that the industry can do better than James Franco and Seth Rogen or else comedies might not be a thing in twenty years.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (American Beauty, Gone Girl, Mulan, Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(Snowpiercer, The Family, When the Game Stands Tall, Black Hawk Down, Red Dawn(2012))

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Twisted, Parker, House at the End of the Street, The Raven, Dead Snow)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Rage, Zoolander, The Expendables 3, Homefront, G.I. Joe: Retaliation)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Erased, I, Frankenstein, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Colony, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Sabotage, Gallowwalkers, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe, Watchmen)

My score for The Cable Guy: 86.

If there’s one thing I appreciate in my comedy’s, it’s distinguished characters. The Cable Guy gives us that with a limitless Jim Carrey in one of his best roles and while Matthew Broderick is a sideshow and Jack Black seems thrown in for the hell of it, this is Jim Carrey’s show from start to finish, so it’s hard to not have fun with this.

Movie Review: The Colony

Another Netflix film that proved to be a waste but isn’t that the secret of Netflix? I watch a crapfest, I go back to Netflix anyway. I think it’s a love/hate relationship.

At some point in the future (the Wikipedia page says 2045, but the film never mentions that), climate control becomes a problem. The people of Earth make machines to control the climate until one day, Mother Nature responds with snow. Forever. The world freezes over and only a select few are able to survive in bunkers below the ice.

It’s almost the exact same thing as Snowpiercer except Snowpiercer occurred on a train and we knew why the train was created, whereas The Colony says there are bunkers because there are.

Our main star is Kevin Zegers from Air Bud. There, I said. It bothered me the whole movie. I thought I might have seen him on an old Disney TV show or something but no, it was that kid that got outperformed by a golden retriever.

The Colony had The Tragedy written all over it.

Watching films like this has actually been depressing recently so I’m going to start watching some “real” films over the course of the next two weeks. Films that make me smile are on the agenda now. I can only make so many sacrifices for you guys. I give, give, give and now I’m taking.

The Colony is the one that pushed me over the edge because geez this movie is boring, uneventful and unintelligent.

Our welcoming party is a couple of guys running down the hallway screaming with a monotone score in the background. Whoop, don’t care about them. Have fun in hell, you two.

Then here comes Sam (Kevin Zegers) to see Mason (Bill Paxton) about to kill some guy for having the flu, saying he has a choice, that choice being to walk in the freezing temperature or take a bullet.

So Mason says he’s got to protect the colony and shoots the guy despite Sam’s protests. Sam goes to Briggs (Laurence Fishburne) and tattles on Mason and Briggs is like, “We must address this immediately.” The film then forgets all about that and never mentions it again.

That’s far more information then I normally include but it’s a prime example of how unsatisfactory this opening scenario is. Narration to drop some context feels tacked on rather than required and the “perilous” conditions Sam consistently comments on during his monologue don’t look that sickly. What’s the big deal? Flu is a problem because of a lack of medicine but aside from that, it looks like you’ve got your own farm and garden down there. Looks like a good enough setup to me.

Substandard scripting is a fatal flaw throughout this film’s 93-minute running time. The script was begging for a sitcom-length film.

I say sitcom length because that’s what The Colony reminded me of: a sitcom. I’m a huge fan of Two and a Half Men with Charlie Sheen. Sorry, Ashton Kutcher, but the show isn’t the same without “Duh, Winning” Sheen.

If you haven’t watched this show, I guess you won’t get this reference but Charlie (the character Sheen plays, not Sheen himself) in my opinion, was one of the best comedic acts of the last decade. A dirty sense of humor and an unabashed personality, Charlie welcomed the spotlight like a greedy kid on Christmas and bloomed in it.

However, Charlie was not created in thirty minutes. I only watch the show on re-runs on TV so I have no way of knowing what the show was like at the very beginning but I think I can safely assume it wasn’t amazing but was adequate enough to keep people around.

I’ve always preferred movies to television because it takes so long for shows to form characters. TV shows bring events over the course of a day or two in a 30-minute segment, including commercials, so really it’s like 22 minutes. It’s a long and tedious process. Which details about this person am I including in this episode or am I just delving into some good ole’ entertainment? How do the writers demonstrate this trait in under 22 minutes because it’s unlikely this character will have the screen to himself for all of the episode?

TV writing is a delicate process and also a tedious one for the audience. Television drags on into four or five seasons minimum, meaning people like myself are pouring hours upon hours of our time into the product. So, when our story turns to gunk, like Lost did in its latter seasons, it’s not just depressing. It’s offensive. If a bad movie is like slapping the audience in the face, a TV show that spirals to hell is like a stab in the jugular. “Not pleasant” does not accurately describe this experience.

I watch movies specifically because I actively avoid being stabbed in the jugular. I can sustain a slap. A stab in the jugular? Well…

When I watch a movie that forgets what form of media it’s in, I get disconcerted. Makes the crew look like they don’t have a clue what they’re doing.

A movie is afforded the time to develop a character in a little over two hours, which in my opinion is far more difficult than producing a character over the course of multiple seasons. Imagine marrying someone after knowing them for two hours? Sounds rash, doesn’t it? You’d prefer marrying someone after knowing them for a few months, wouldn’t you?

That’s an accurate analogy to the movies vs. the sitcoms. If you prefer being rash, you pick the movie. If you’re more careful, you pick the TV.

It’s just an analogy and I would never recommend marriage after two hours but that’s the task scriptwriters are gifted with. This isn’t peas and carrots. It’s more like doomsday clocks and ink pens.

I understand the tripwires and minefields involved in script writing but completing something this reprobate is disrespectful to my time and my intelligence. Don’t understand why everyone wants to slap me.

Ironic as it may be, it still sickens me the characters in The Colony hold the same interest over me as the snow blizzards, which involved some rushed sound editing. My ability to genuinely not give a worm-filled apple for this film proceeded unhampered throughout.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (American Beauty, Gone Girl, Mulan, Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(Snowpiercer, The Family, When the Game Stands Tall, Black Hawk Down, Red Dawn(2012))

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Twisted, Parker, House at the End of the Street, The Raven, Dead Snow)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Rage, Zoolander, The Expendables 3, Homefront, G.I. Joe: Retaliation)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Erased, I, Frankenstein, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Sabotage, Gallowwalkers, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe, Watchmen)

My score for The Colony: 26.

The film suffers from seemingly uninvolved director Jeff Renfroe but the woes don’t stop there. The characters are like paper-thin napkins trying to conceal a clearly soiled table and no acting prowess is unfurled for something that is this much of a shenanigan. That, along with some blatant foul plot points, makes The Colony a “wow, just wow” burrito of unprocessed ingredients.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

Now let’s talk about these failing plot points!

The colony receives an S.O.S from another colony that they’ve been keeping in radio contact with since this all started. Sam, Briggs and another character of zero importance leave the colony and go on a one and half day journey to rescue those who may still be left and discover what all went wrong.

And the big reveal is: cannibals. Yep, that’s it. Just cannibals. No crazy monsters or aliens or a disease or arctic zombies or rabid animals. Just cannibals. Feeling the letdown already.

How the cannibals got there is sketchy too. A signal is sent over the airways that a heat spot has begun. This random dude on the camera shows there’s soil and of course if there is soil, that means there’s a chance for new life. So this colony, colony 5, led an expedition to where the signal originated and the search party never returned. The cannibals found their tracks in the snow and followed them back to the colony where they proceeded to kill everyone.

Of course, one major flaw with that: IT IS POURING SNOW ALL DAMN DAY 24/7! Unless those cannibals were able to track miles in less than an hour, they would have lost the trail and frozen to death, which also makes you wonder where they were before this illogical convenience dropped itself into their lap but I guess that’s not important.

So the character of zero importance is killed by the cannibals, Sam and Griggs escape through a large windpipe and drop a bunch of dynamite down there so they can’t follow. They take shelter in the night inside a medical evacuation helicopter next to a bridge to get to the other side of a thousand foot drop canyon. Keep in mind it is pouring down snow hardcore and it’s freezing. Sam and Briggs have passed many people frozen to death in the snow.

The next morning they wake up, come outside and pull out their binoculars and look at that, here come all the cannibals.

IT HAS BEEN A SNOWSTORM ALL NIGHT LONG. IT’S BEEN PITCH BLACK AND YOU DON’T HAVE ANY DAMN FLASHLIGHTS!!! Does a lust for human flesh make you nocturnal?! Like, what?! It’s also important to mention that if you’re a cannibal, apparently you can’t speak because there’s no dialogue spewing out of any of these guys and the leader is bald and doesn’t wear a hat. I don’t care if you think that’s cool or not, producers, that guy’s freezing to death.

Briggs gets Sam to the other side of the bridge and then sacrifices himself, demolishing the bridge with a stick of dynamite.

Sam gets back to the colony and the cannibals somehow track him. I guess they just long jumped that 100+ foot gap but at this point, who really cares?

Tim Sports Report for 2014 NFL Championship Week

Top 5

1. Seahawks amazing comeback vs. GB

Become first defending champion to make the Super Bowl in 10 years.

2. Jermaine Kearse’s redemption story: During the game, Kearse was thrown to five times and four of those passes resulted in an interception. Wilson didn’t give up on him and threw one pass his way in overtime, which ended in the game-winning score.

3. RB LeGarrette Blount 30 carries for 148 yards, 3 TDs vs. IND

4. RB Marshawn Lynch 25 carries for 157 yards, TD vs. GB

5. QB Tom Brady 23/35 for 226 yards, 3 TDs, INT, 100.4 QBR vs. IND

Worst of the Worst

1. GB kicks five field goals including two inside the 20-yard line, contribute to one of the biggest playoff losses in recent memory.

2. QB Russell Wilson 14/29 for 209 yards, TD, 4 INTs, 44.3 QBR vs. GB

3. QB Andrew Luck 12/33 for 126 yards, 2 INTs, 23.0 QBR vs. NE

4. Colts get 209 total yards on offense, allow 177 on the ground and seven red zone drives in 45-7 throttling.

5. Marshawn Lynch continues press conference charades.

Before I go over my Super Bowl prediction, here are some of the Super Bowl records that are up for grabs on Sunday.

Most Super Bowl MVPs: 3, Joe Montana

Most starts at quarterback: 6, Tom Brady

Highest passer rating: 150.92, Phil Simms, NYG vs. DEN, SB XXI

Lowest passer rating to win game: 22.6, Ben Roethlisberger, PIT vs. SEA, SB XL

Most passing yards: 414, Kurt Warner, STL vs. TEN, SB XXXIV

Most rushing yards: 204, Timmy Smith, WAS vs. DEN, SB XXII

Most receiving yards: 215, Jerry Rice, SF vs. CIN, SB XXIII

Most interceptions: 3, Rod Martin, OAK vs. PHI, SB XV

Most tackles: 12, Gary Brackett, IND vs. NO, SB XLIV

Most sacks: 3, Reggie White, GB vs. NE, SB XXXI and Darnell Dockett, ARI vs. PIT, SB XLIII

Longest field goal: 54 yards, Steve Christie, BUF vs. DAL, SB XXVIII

Super Bowl prediction: NE vs. SEA

I’m not happy about this matchup because I didn’t want to see either of these teams win. The Seahawks are looking to become the first repeat champions in a decade and the Patriots are looking to continue their dynasty reign. I hate Blount and Gronk and I hate Carroll, Lynch and Sherman. Overall, I’m rooting for the Patriots because I just hate the Seahawks too much. It should be a close one, probably about 27-21 New England.