There was a time when flicks told stories and provided visuals lengthy novels couldn’t. There was a time when movies said something about our lives. It was more than a rare occurrence, a natural standard. Somewhere in the midst of film’s most prominent eras, a few people started to make comedies. Laughter disentangles us from the complexities of our existence, the darker depths of our minds and brings us to the heavenly homes of freedom, where we can be free of responsibility, obligation and society’s behavioral expectations. We can be us. We don’t have to feel fear. We don’t have to contemplate our worth. We can just be. That’s why Robin Williams’ passing has affected so many people because we all, in some way, could relate to the man he was and the things he faced. Perhaps we didn’t suffer from the bottle but we all go to comedy for the same treatment: relief. Whether it’s relief from addiction or financial crises or loneliness, it doesn’t matter. It’s all cleansing. That’s why we watch comedies because they, like every other genre of film, transport us to another world free from distraction and obscurity.
Somewhere in the middle of that dream, a few frauds began putting on the cloak of comedy. The pictures they made weren’t comedies at all but they shrouded their products with illusions and falsities, luring us in with candy and shutting the door behind us once we crossed the threshold. In making films like these, these imbeciles inadvertently created a new genre of film. The genre’s name is known to few because many still believe them to be comedies. Many have not broken the persuasion of the brainwashing these filmmakers have barraged them with. For your information, the genre is called Stupid and Tucker & Dale vs. Evil belongs in it.
To call Tucker & Dale vs. Evil a comedy would be akin to calling a serial killer a toddler. Under no conditions do the phrases “Tucker & Dale vs. Evil” and “comedy” ever come even remotely close to each other. They are in the exact opposite time zone. It is 12 am in comedy, 12 pm in Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. One is black, one is white. Every counterpart duo will work.
There is no acting. There is no laughter. There is no invitation to enter the world of make-believe. There is no relief, only blind rage and blank pages. There is endless wandering with no direction, interminable dying but no living, incalculable life do not’s but zero life lessons.
Tucker & Dale vs. Evil is so bad I didn’t even want to bother writing this. To give it the time of day feels like a crime against humanity. Subjecting anyone to such garbage is torture and therefore, as far as I know, illegal. I certainly wouldn’t want to give you a glimpse at this. Why would I want to do that? What possible obligation would I be following by doing such a thing? Truthfully, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil‘s only favor was there’s nothing to spoil. Nothing happened.
This film was like a really bad dream you had when you were six. It is branded into your mind forever and you’ll never forget it but you can’t describe it to anyone else no matter how hard you focus. Every time you try, it vocalizes as insubstantial fiction and you have to keep qualifying yourself: “So this one day I was walking in the forest…actually scratch that, it was more of a meadow and we were walking through the tress…actually, I guess they were tall bushes..”
You’re on an endless conveyor belt and you only get so far before your progress becomes regression. There are no checkpoints, no breaks, no stoppages, no power failures. You keep walking. Every part of you aches, especially your brain as the effects of the trauma you’re experiencing settles in. You’re short of breath and your rib cage is being pressed by what feels like a bulldozer. It’s an agonizing experience.
Rather than calm your nerves and tickle your funny bone, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil stings your nerves like a bothersome bee again and again until you flip out on the television. There’s no medication to make this a better experience. There’s no anti-itch cream you can put on to make it a little more comfortable. It’s invasive and it stinks all over. There are no pleasantries of any sort. Just don’t watch this, okay?
Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.
90-100 It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Jack Reacher, Godzilla)
80-89 It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2)
70-79 It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(Red Dawn(2012), Maleficent, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Transporter 2, Battle: Los Angeles)
60-69 It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Rubber, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Transporter, Speed)
50-59 This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Expendable 3, Homefront, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Vantage Point, The Starving Games)
40-49 This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens)
30-39 Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice, The Contract)
20-29 What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)
0-19 Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Safe, Watchmen, Clash of the Titans, A Haunted House 2, Open Grave)
My score for Tucker & Dale vs. Evil: 16.
I feel like I’ve said it in the most polite ways possible but if you still want the general synopsis, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil fucking sucks. It’s bland and effortless. Truly no cares given in the making of this one and unsurprisingly, I have no cares to watch this or show this to another living creature ever again.
wordsofwistim 