Movie Review: Along Came Polly

My college friend, Alex, pulled this movie out on Netflix and we watched it the other day, so thanks for the recommendation bud. Also, I apologize for not writing any movie reviews recently. Life at school has been busy and I’ve not gotten the chance to get a ride to the theater to see the new Riddick movie, so I apologize. I also saw a Jennifer Aniston- Adam Sandler rom-com on Friday entitled Just Go With It. I really wanted to review it for you guys and explain how great of a movie it really is, but I got sick soon after and was also overloaded with homework after getting healthy again. Now it has been too long since I’ve seen it to write a review that serves it justice. However, for the record, I would like to state that Just Go With It is now my second-favorite Adam Sandler movie and I would strongly recommend you watch it if you haven’t seen it before. It’s a sight to see.  Now let’s go to this Along Came Polly movie review.

After watching the great performance she gave in Just Go With It, I had high expectations for this movie once I saw that Jennifer Aniston was going to be in this one as well. Ben Stiller has gotten plenty of laughs from me in the past and so it seemed like a good duo.

Reuben Feffer (Ben Stiller) is an insurance risk-assessment expert, who gets married and on the first night of his honeymoon, finds his new wife cheating on him. Needless to say, he’s not happy. Then, while at an art exhibit to waste time with his friend, Sandy Lyle (Philip Seymour Hoffman), to try to get his mind off of the whole thing, he runs into Polly Prince (Jennifer Aniston), a former junior high school classmate, who he then asks out on a date.

This movie, similar to Just Go With It, adds as much randomness, freak occurrences, and downright stupidity as it can. Most movies that implore such tactics I do not find funny. I find them stupid. Just Go With It was hilarious and fun with its randomness, and it was random but it still made sense. You had to just go with it and have fun with it, something that wasn’t too hard to do. With this movie, the randomness is just too far of a stretch, and it’s more stupid than it is funny. For example, Reuben has irritable bowel-syndrome and after Polly takes him to a Moroccan restaurant, which doesn’t bode well with his condition, Reuben uses the bathroom at Polly’s place. Only after finishing going the bathroom does Reuben realize there is no toilet paper. He then wipes himself with a towel, but then gets the great idea of throwing it in the toilet and hoping it flushes, which of course it doesn’t. Polly sees all the water coming out and opens the door to find Reuben in his underwear trying to unclog the toilet.

After all that, Reuben gets a call for a second date. What?! In what world does that happen? And it gets a lot worse and more stupid as the movie goes on. You can tell right from the get-go that Polly doesn’t have a lot going upstairs and it never really changes as the movie progresses so when the movie tries to get emotional towards the end, it doesn’t work. Reuben isn’t that smart himself and so it’s hard for me to feel sorry for the guy when his life gets turned upside down on numerous occasions. To add to it all, neither of them are really funny.

The person who gave me some real enjoyment in this movie was Sandy Lyle, Reuben’s friend. The guy is ridiculous and irrational, but the pure randomness of his actions is hilarious. The scenes he was in were the most enjoyable.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z, 42)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Now You See Me, Man of Steel, Monster-In-Law, White House Down, Jobs)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion, The Wolverine, Jagged Edge, Elysium)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit, After Earth, Road to Perdition, Total Recall, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy, Dark Fury)

My score for Along Came Polly: 52.

Sandy Lyle may have been entertaining, but he wasn’t a main character. The two main characters are boring and unintelligent. The plot is dumb and the script is poorly-written and doesn’t take advantage of the actors it has.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

Reuben is just not a smart guy and between him and Polly, it felt like I was watching two 6th graders date. It’s really hard to relate here. When Reuben’s wife Lisa comes back and says she wants to get back together, Reuben actually considers it! What?! What is the matter with this guy? Lisa didn’t even bother denying it when she got caught! She wanted to stay with Claude! She’s a total slut and not worth a thought, but Reuben considers it anyway! The guy’s an idiot! This movie is really dumb, guys. Just don’t watch it unless you’re looking for a really bad movie.

Tim Sports Report for 2013 NFL Week 3

Top 5

1. Panthers shutout Giants, sack Manning 7 times, hold Giants to 150 yards total offense

2. WR Antonio Brown 9 receptions for 196 yards, 2 TDs vs. CHI

3. RB DeMarco Murray 26 carries for 175 yards, TD vs. STL

4. LB Justin Houston 7 tackles, 6 solo, 4.5 sacks, forced fumble, 2 fumble recoveries vs. PHI

5. TE Jimmy Graham 9 receptions for 134 yards, 2 TDs vs. ARI

Worst of the Worst

1. QB Eli Manning 12/23 for 109 yards, INT, 49.0 QBR vs. CAR

2. Packers score 30 unanswered points and cause 4 Bengal turnovers on 4 consecutive drives, then lose to Bengals

3. QB Colin Kaepernick 13/27 for 150, INT, Fmble, 49.9 QBR vs. IND

4. QB Carson Palmer 18/35 for 187 yards, 2 INTs, 43.4 QBR vs. NO

5. QB Michael Vick 13/30 for 201 yards, TD, 2 INTs, Fmble, 49.4 QBR, 4 carries for 99 yards vs. KC

Steelers Recap

The Steelers lost to the Bears 40-23 last Sunday night and while some people were furious over the Steelers’ performance, I actually thought I saw some improvement from last week’s game against Cincinnati. They ran 65 plays for 459 yards, good for 7.1 ypp. They also ran the ball for 80 yards, which was better than last week. I still think Jonathan Dwyer and Felix Jones should be the primary backs for this team. Jones has potential as a decent back if he can hold on to the ball and Dwyer was the best runningback on this team last year. He has the build and running style of Jerome Bettis. He’ll never be as good as him, but he’s that type of guy, and he’s great at blocking for Ben in passing situations. Ben had more passing yards than any other quarterback in the league this past week with 406, and remember that this was against a top-5 defense. At one point in the fourth quarter, the Steelers got a field goal to make it 27-23 but the Bears proved to be too much for them. The Steelers committed five turnovers including two interceptions and two fumbles for Ben, which led to two defensive touchdowns for Chicago. If you subtract those two scores from the final score, the score would not be 40-23, but 26-23, and considering this was the Chicago Bears defense and a struggling Steelers offense, I’m willing to take that. Did the Steelers give the game away? Yes, but for a second if not third-rate offensive line, a struggling offense, and an aged defense, I expected a 30 point blowout. The Steelers held the Bears to a 17 point win. I’m not saying Steelers fans should be excited, but you can’t ignore that there are some positives to take away from Sunday’s game. This week the Steelers face the Minnesota Vikings who are also 0-3. Christian Ponder will be out with a rib injury so the Steelers will be facing backup quarterback Matt Cassel. That might help, but the Steelers still have to stop MVP Adrian Peterson from running all over them and that is no easy feat. I could see this game go either way, but the Steelers are going to have to show me a little more improvement before I’m going to pick them to win. I’ll take the Vikings in a close one.

Game of the Week: Dolphins @ Saints

While everyone will most likely be watching the Sunday night game starring the Patriots and Falcons, I will be more excited for the Dolphins-Saints matchup on Monday Night. The Dolphins had a huge offseason and while some fans were questioning some of the moves, the Dolphins have showed the results that all Dolphins fans have been looking for. While on paper this team is 21st and 18th against the pass and rush respectively, this defense is underrated. Tannehill is showing improvement and while starting runningback Lamar Miller is struggling, I think he will begin to produce in time. The Dolphins were heavy underdogs against the Colts and I picked the Phins and they won. They were heavy underdogs against the Falcons. I picked the Falcons, but the Phins won again. This week they are heavy underdogs, again, and after beating two tough teams, they’ve impressed me enough that I’m willing to pick them over the Saints. It should be a great game.

 

 

Tim Sports Report for 2013 NFL Week 2

Top 5

1. QB Aaron Rodgers 34/42 for 480 yards, 4 TDs, 146.0 QBR vs. WSH

2. QB Philip Rivers 36/47 for 419 yards, 3 TDs, 124.3 QBR vs. PHI

3. RB Marshawn Lynch 28 carries for 98 yards, 2 TDs, 3 receptions for 39 yards, TD vs. SF

4. WR DeSean Jackson 9 receptions for 193 yards, TD vs. SD

5. DE Mario Williams 6 tackles, 5 solo, 4.5 sacks vs. Car

Worst of the Worst

1. QB Colin Kaepernick 13/28 for 127 yards, 3 INTs, fumble, 20.1 QBR, 9 carries for 87 yards vs. SEA

2. QB Josh Freeman 9/22 for 125 yards, TD, INT, fumble, 56.1 QBR vs. NO

3. 49ers 0/2 in red zone, 5 turnovers, 12 penalties for 121 yards

4. QB Russell Wilson 8/19 for 142 yards, TD, INT, 63.9 QBR vs. SF

5. QB Tom Brady 19/39 for 185 yards, TD, 71.0 QBR vs. NYJ

Steelers Recap

The Steelers looked slightly better in their loss against the Bengals but only slightly. They were 3/12 on third down and failed to reach 100 yards for the eighth straight game, tied for the longest streak in franchise history. They ran the ball only 16 times in the game, 10 of those to Felix Jones for 37 yards. In order for this team to get better and win some games, they have got run the ball more than 16 times a game. If you don’t make the defense respect your running game then they will continue to blitz on crucial downs and Ben will continue to get sacked. Tomlin must decide who the starting runningback is going to be and stick with him. They can not continue to cycle runningbacks and just hope one of them clicks. They need to figure it out. The runningback game plan is in total disarray and it needs to get fixed. The defense must get takeaways. The Redskins defense last year ranked 28th in ypg and 22nd in ppg, but they had a +17 in turnover differential, good for third-best in the league. The Steelers defense needs to try to get turnovers if they want to give their team any chance at winning. Against the Chicago Bears this week, the Steelers will face the 2nd-best turnover differential team in the league last year. I don’t see the Steelers changing their fortunes in this game. I’ll take the Bears.

Game of the Week: Chiefs @ Eagles

These were two of the worst teams in the league last year, but this year they’re totally different teams. I took the Eagles in this one because I was impressed with what Chip Kelly has done in Philly, but the Chiefs pulled it out last night 26-16.

 

Why the Browns are the Worst Sports Franchise Ever

Despite being swamped with school work and being dead tired, I’ve decided to go on a rant here on my blog. If you’re not a sports fan, I’d still strongly suggest you read this, because it’s going to be hilarious, just like most of my rants. If you want to view the article that I’m referring to, here’s the link to it.

The Cleveland Browns are one of the saddest franchises in all of sports. When I think of sports teams that just can’t ever do anything right, a few come to mind: the Chicago Cubs, the Houston Astros, the Pittsburgh Pirates, the Charlotte Bobcats, the Columbus Blue Jackets, the Buffalo Bills, the Oakland Raiders and of course, the Cleveland Browns. As of late, some of these teams have actually made some smart moves and have truly turned around their fortunes. For example, while I gave up on the Pirates a while ago, I still congratulate the players, fans, and management (you have no idea how difficult it is for me to include that last one) for bringing Pittsburgh its first winning season in twenty years. The Columbus Blue Jackets and even the Buffalo Bills have changed their fortunes as well or at least made an effort to improve. However, some teams refuse to do that and are so bad at what they do (managing a team) that I don’t know how they are even considered a sports franchise. Easily at the top of that list, at least for me, is the Cleveland Browns.

It’s not because I hate the Cleveland Browns. None of the teams that I hate the most are on this list (New York Yankees, New York Rangers, Philadelphia Flyers, Los Angeles Lakers, Dallas Cowboys, New York Jets). The reason Cleveland is always atop this list is because they never seem to do anything right. Since coming back to the league in 1999, the Cleveland Browns have compiled a record of 73-151. They have had two winning seasons and seven head coaches during that time.

The problem with the Browns is that they never give anyone a chance to make a difference in Cleveland before firing them. The Browns are notorious for firing head coaches every two years, bringing in new general managers and presidents and claiming they are getting a “new start”. The only problem is that “new start” line is brought up every two years. Players are drafted by the Cleveland Browns and then never heard of again, because Cleveland also has a reputation of giving players two years to perform and if they are not of hall-of-fame quality immediately, they are disposed of as quickly as possible. New management always wants to make the team their own and leave “their own signature” on it. However, new management always wants to build a team from scratch as if running a sports franchise is a simulation or a make-believe world where you can just do whatever you feel like and whenever you’re done “playing”, you just hit the reset button. That’s what the Browns do, they just hit reset and roll the die again in the hopes that they draft a Joe Montana or Barry Sanders AND that they produce record-setting numbers from the outset.

If there was such a thing as a formula to make the worst sports franchise ever, the Browns are definitely the closest to having that formula figured out. I know for me, I’ve never played a game where in order to win, you have to hit the reset button not once, but numerous times.

It’s like playing the lottery with addition problems. If a teacher asks you what 2+2 is, you’re not going to say “wait a second”, pull down the lever of a slot machine and when the machine spits out the number 5, give that answer. You’re going to use that thing in your head called your brain and realize that 2+2 is 4. The Browns don’t do that, because the Browns management combined have the IQ of Jessica Simpson.

This is not a slam against the city of Cleveland nor is it a slam to the Browns’ fans. It’s a slam to the people who run sports franchises like the Browns, and do not care about the team, the fans, the successes or failures of that team, or anything else. All they care about is how many Benjamins are entering their bank accounts at any point in time.

I really hate Jerry Jones. The guy knows close to nothing about football and the Cowboys as a team would be better off without him, but even I, as much as I hate Jerry Jones, have some respect for the guy and my friends who know my hatred of the man are laughing their heads off at this statement. Do you want to know why I have respect for Jerry Jones, despite how minimal that respect is? It’s because the guy gets involved. He’s passionate about the team, he gets to know the players and makes executive decisions and tries to win. His decisions may be some of the dumbest decisions ever made in the history of logical brain function, but at least he’s doing something. The Browns management has never given an honest effort to making the team a contender and anyone who disagrees with that statement is obviously oblivious to the fact that the Browns change 75% of their roster and management every two years. Some coaches have shown promise and others were downright awful, but the Browns fail to differentiate between the good and the bad. They just look at the record, and if it’s not positive then they figure it’s time for someone new.

That’s why I should have foreseen the Cleveland Browns trading their star player, Trent Richardson, to the Colts for one first-round draft pick. New management means they’re resetting “the game” and even if some of the players in “the game” are perfect where they are, reset means reset. In the article, it says, “Cleveland is rebuilding and the team hopes to use that pick to help turn around a floundering franchise mired in losing for more than a decade. Such a turnaround was what the Browns had in mind when they took Richardson…“ Hmm, haven’t heard those words before. Also the Browns have said Richardson “didn’t have the breakaway speed the Browns’ new regime was looking for.” Meanwhile, the Browns are looking to sign 31-year old, seasoned veteran Willis McGahee who apparently has “breakaway speed” even though he’s been a power-back for the last five years. Makes sense.

Everyone thought the Browns were becoming a real team, as was I, but once again, just as the Pirates did for me for the first 16 years of my life, they have shown that any faith or hope that the team might get better is a false faith or hope. And that is why the Browns are hated. It’s not because they’re that good or that bad. It’s because they’re the Browns, and they’re managed by the lowliest low-lifes on the planet.

Tim Sports Report for 2013 NFL Week 1

Top 5

1. QB Peyton Manning 27/42 for 462 yards, 7 TDs, 141.1 QBR vs. BAL

2. WR Anquan Boldin 13 receptions for 208 yards, TD vs. GB

3. QB Colin Kaepernick 27/39 for 412 yards, 3 TDs, 129.4 QBR vs. GB

4. WR A.J. Green 9 receptions for 162 yards, 2 TDs vs. CHI

5. RB LeSean McCoy 31 carries for 184 yards, TD vs. WSH

Worst of the Worst

1. Ravens Rookie CB Brynden Trawick runs into Pro Bowler Jacoby Jones on punt return. Jones has a sprained MCL and could be out 4-6 weeks.

2. Broncos LB Danny Trevathan picks off Ravens QB Joe Flacco, runs back to the Baltimore 1 and drops the ball before scoring the touchdown. It was ruled a touchback.

3. Titans returner Darius Reynaud steps back into the endzone on the opening kickoff and kneels, giving Pittsburgh a safety.

4. Giants allow six turnovers and two defensive touchdowns.

5. QB Brandon Weeden 26/53 for 289 yards, TD, 3 INTs, 48.4 QBR vs. MIA

Steelers Recap

The Steelers lost to the Titans on Sunday 16-9 in a disappointing game. It was easily one of the worst Steeler games I have ever watched. They were 4-13 on third down and ran 53 plays for 195 yards, a 3.7 ypp. The Steelers defense played decent according to the box score but in reality played horrible. The defense got picked apart on numerous occasions by the Titans passing attack and when your defense is getting torn apart by Jake Locker, you know your team has problems. Roethlisberger got sacked five times, and Pro Bowl center Maurkice Pouncey, defensive playcaller linebacker Larry Foote, and newcomer runningback LaRod Stephens-Howling are all out for the season. They can’t run the ball nor do they try enough, and Ben is playing behind one of the worst lines in football. This line actually looks worse than last year’s. Against Cincinnati on Monday Night, I give the Steelers about a ten percent chance of victory, odds I’m not willing to take.

Game of the Week: 49ers @ Seahawks

The Seahawks running game was stifled against the Panthers last week as they scraped by with a 12-7 win. Meanwhile, the combination of Kaepernick and Boldin stunned all of the Packer faithful as the 49ers cruised to a solid victory over Green Bay. The 49ers look for real, but the Seahawks don’t. They’re going to have to prove themselves in this game. I’m taking the 49ers.

Movie Review: Dark Fury

I bought the Chronicles of Riddick trilogy for $5 the other day, not because the Riddick trilogy is worth buying but because I never saw the first two and thought that I should probably watch those before I go to see the new Riddick movie coming out next week. When I looked at the back, I noticed that the second movie had a running time of only 35 minutes, but I figured that it was a mistake because no one makes movies that are 35 minutes long, right? That would be considered a short film, not a movie, and surely they must have made a better second movie after the crapload that was Pitch Black, right?

I put in the disc, and keep in mind that my roommate and I started watching this right after Pitch Black. Since the back cover said 35 minutes, we agreed if it ended up being longer than that, we would simply finish it tomorrow. Putting the Dark Fury disc into my DVD player was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made.

It was anime, people. FREAKING ANIME!!! Are you kidding me? You can’t start off a trilogy with a movie that features real people and then suddenly switch to anime! Was this movie so cheap that they couldn’t even put real actors in this? What is going on?  I can’t even comment about the acting in this movie because there is none!

They never let you know that the story is meant to come right after Pitch Black, until of course you look the plot up on Wikipedia after you finish watching the movie! You would think the director would have made the dialogue give hints to the audience or something but the way the characters talk, it sounds like this is a couple years later.

There’s no character connection because it’s anime, and the dialogue is just as corny as any anime show out there.  The action scenes are dumb, the conclusion stinks and I’m bored out of my mind the whole time.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z, 42)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Now You See Me, Man of Steel, Monster-In-Law, White House Down, Jobs)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion, The Wolverine, Jagged Edge, Elysium)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit, After Earth, Road to Perdition, Total Recall, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy)

My score for Dark Fury: 13.

Somehow, this is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but this movie reeks of pitiful desperation. I would stare at a wall for two hours if it meant I didn’t have to look at this dung heap. This movie also deserves a special label: WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE AND ANIME!!!

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

This movie shouldn’t even be called a movie. For a film production to be considered a movie, it has to be at least an hour long in my mind, although in this case I’m happy it wasn’t because I don’t know how much longer I could have watched that visual diarrhea before I started throwing up my organs one by one. There’s a bunch of plot holes, too. For example, the leader of the ship has somehow captured a bunch of the world’s greatest killers but can’t capture Riddick. He has like four-inch blades and there are like 20 people in the hangar with guns and no one can shoot him? Really? Later on in the movie, a robot-monster mutant is tracking Riddick’s scent so rather than make a small cut to let out a little blood, like maybe a prick on the ear or the shin, he cuts his wrist, but only bleeds out a little of course. As my roommate said, “Riddick hates his movies so much that he cuts his own wrists.” I can’t lie. If I was Riddick, I think I would, too.

Movie Review: Pitch Black

I’ve already decided I’m going to see the new Riddick movie and so to get ready for it, I thought I would watch the Riddick trilogy. I’d never seen Pitch Black and Dark Fury and while I didn’t have high hopes for them, I was hoping that they were at least decent.

Pitch Black starts off with Riddick on a ship where everyone is in cryogenic sleep. Riddick is the only prisoner on the ship. Everyone else is a civilian. Why you would put a dangerous convict on a ship with a bunch of civilians, I don’t know. Anyway, the ship gets damaged and the two pilots are awoken from their sleep and lead the plane to a crash-landing on what appears to be a desert planet. The place seems uninhabited but once one of the civilians is killed, the survivors realize they’re not alone.

The acting is poor and leaves much to be desired. The movie never goes in to who Riddick is aside from telling us he’s a murderer and a convict. The only reason I knew anything about him was because I’ve seen the third one, which tells the audience a lot about his character. However, my roommate Jon, who hasn’t seen any of the Riddick movies, had no idea who Riddick was. None of the characters are memorable aside from Riddick and that’s only because he’s a convict and is easily distinguishable next to the other characters. Everyone else’s role is bland with poor script-writing.

Both him and I were trying to figure out what was going on the whole movie. There’s some unnecessary dialogue between characters that doesn’t further the plot, nor do I care about it. At least half of the characters were nameless for the majority of the movie so Jon and I had to keep referring to them by what they looked like. It’s also hard to relate to characters that don’t have names. Whenever there’s tension between two characters, one of them usually drops the f-bomb to try to act macho but it comes across as cheesy rather than intimidating.

Even though we don’t know who Riddick is, it is apparent that there is a character conflict inside of him. There are a few points in the movie where you can tell he’s debating whether to help the others or fend for himself. However, similar to Mitt Romney, he’s flip-floppity and doesn’t have any consistency in his choices, which means I never understand where his true motive lies.

This movie, similar to After Earth, had more running around and character interaction then action scenes. There’s a decent amount of plot holes and just when you think the movie can’t go any lower, it does.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z, 42)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Now You See Me, Man of Steel, Monster-In-Law, White House Down, Jobs)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion, The Wolverine, Jagged Edge, Elysium)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit, After Earth, Road to Perdition, Total Recall, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy)

My score for Pitch Black: 44.

The acting is really bad and the characters aren’t relatable. I don’t get into Riddick’s head, which is a problem if Riddick is your main character. By the third act, Jon and I were deciding whether or not to take the over or under that 3 people other than Riddick survived. We took the under.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

They never tell you what caused the ship to crash. The footage is dark, but it looks like some projectiles pierce the ship, something small…bullets, perhaps? They never tell you though, so your guess is as good as mine. They land on this desert planet that seems devoid of life and after at least 20 minutes, they finally notice there’s two suns. Seriously some of the most unobservant people ever. You think they would have figured that out just by seeing how bright everything was.

Later, after all the survivors arm themselves so they can defend themselves from Riddick, a man comes to the side of the ship. One of the survivors almost kills him because she thought it was Riddick. He says something to the point of “I thought I was the only one here” before the Middle-Eastern man with an Australian accent shoots him in the back 4 times because he thought it was Riddick. The man he shot was at least half a foot taller than Riddick, wasn’t entirely bald, and didn’t have goggles around his face, but yep, he thought it was Riddick. What’s worse is the survivors let that guy keep the gun. After that, the guy has lost his firearm privileges. Also, there is absolutely no reference to the guy that gets killed for the rest of the movie. We’re never told if the guy was another survivor that the other survivors didn’t know about or if he was a native. It’s a shame the Middle-Eastern Australian was trigger-happy. If that man would have survived, he probably could have given the survivors as well as the audience valuable insight as to what the heck was going on, but nope, we need to kill off anyone who might know what’s going on because we need the audience to be as dumbfounded and clueless as the characters.

Early in the movie, Carolyn, who is one of the few people whose name I actually remember in this movie, goes into one of the warehouses the group discovers and finds an orbit model. She moves the planets around a few times as if she’s never seen one before and then leaves. Very productive scene for everyone. Later on, Carolyn finds rocks that are time dated and finds that the last one is dated 22 years ago. Aside from knowing that no one has worked here in 22 years, I don’t see how this is relevant. But wait, there’s more. Carolyn somehow must be the smartest person in the world, because she figures out she should turn the orbit model until the marker on the model says 22. What?! How did she know that would lead to something relevant? Why did she go straight to that thing? Does she have a fascination for astronomy toys or something? It was necessary for the plot but it was still stupid.

Then there’s the monsters. They’re surrounding all the survivors waiting to strike when the survivors are on their way to the fuel cells, but on the way back the monsters start attacking each other. Why?

This movie is bad. The new one better be a lot better than this.