Movie Review: Dead Snow

I can’t remember who but someone in the WordPress blogging community recommended this film. I love The Walking Dead so when it comes to zombies, count me in.

It’s about a few Norwegian medical students going to a cabin in the mountains during Easter break. Everything is said in Norwegian so expect subtitles. I myself am not a fan. Movies are supposed to be a form of entertainment both visual and auditory. When dialogue cannot be understood by your audience and you have to revert to subtitles, I’m doing a lot of reading and not a lot of listening, which provides the overall feel of reading a picture book rather than watching a film. This is one of the disconnects foreign films burdens American audiences with. It’s not intentional. It’s part of the language barrier.

Tommy Wirkola’s direction for the first half is aimless at best. He has his proponents sit around a cabin and engage in pointless conversation to waste time. It’s a bunch of guys and gals hanging around in a chilly cabin, drinking and relaxing. I got it. I don’t need to be beaten over the head with it.

For the majority of Dead Snow‘s first 45 minutes, Wirkola panders and erases at the drawing board while letting the tape roll. A film already short at 91 minutes, Wirkola’s poor decision-making makes Dead Snow more like a 46-minute short, if you have the patience to get that far. The script is far too nonchalant to stir interest. It doesn’t want to go anywhere. It’s like when you have to go somewhere and the car is in front of you, but instead of getting in the car and getting on your way, you sit down and fiddle with your keys. It doesn’t make sense.

The most persistent viewer will struggle to stay connected to the material. The audience’s desire to stick around would have been strengthened had they been teased of the quality Dead Snow had the potential to exhibit. However, when you watch a film for the first time and the opening half of the skit is mediocre at best, you can’t be criticized for turning it off. If you ate half of a pie and it was rotten, it makes no sense to eat the rest of it, even if the baker has assured you that is the good part. Rather than eat the rest, you’re more likely to ask, “Why couldn’t it have all been the good part?”

Desultory is probably the best adjective to describe Wirkola’s 2009 escapade: lacking in consistency, constancy or visible order, disconnected. Inconsistency is a glaring blight on the zombie flick and it’s very unorganized. The story follows a logical trajectory but the entertainment value doesn’t. Wirkola’s pacing is off, especially considering this is a horror story. Where are the zombies? Where’s the suspense? Where’s the gore and laughs?

There’s no tension. The want to see what happens next is minimal. For a sub-genre that is usually described as gory and adrenaline-filled, Dead Snow if far too dead (haha) to elicit any cares from me.

Then Dead Snow got lively at the halfway point. Our protagonists stopped making the stereotypical, predictable decisions that infuriate viewers and started making the smart, survivalist decisions they should have made a long time ago. These people still aren’t bright. They make other choices that result in their demise but at least Dead Snow improved.

Dark comedy and gutsy kills (pun) are displayed in favor of character development that never gave anything more than a perfunctory effort. I’ll give credit to the make-up artists for attempting zombie originality but you got to do better than gray spray paint and some loose flesh to impress me. The Walking Dead is showing you up!

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Mulan, Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Jack Reacher)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(When the Game Stands Tall, Black Hawk Down, Red Dawn(2012), Maleficent, Rise of the Planet of the Apes)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Rubber, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Transporter, Speed)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Expendable 3, Homefront, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Vantage Point, The Starving Games)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Gallowwalkers, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe, Watchmen, Clash of the Titans)

My score for Dead Snow: 61.

Dead Snow is half a film, so it gets half a score. The final third ascends it to the 60’s but just barely so.

Movie Review: Mulan

The Disney films of the 90’s. Now there’s a dynasty worth talking about.

A few years ago, I was scrolling through TV channels, looking for something to watch. I got to ABC Family and there was Aladdin. I skipped to the next channel and then went back. Aladdin was probably my favorite film as a youngster. I watched it for a while before I had to do homework and you know what? I didn’t feel embarrassed for doing so.

Disney World continues to be a popular tourist attraction for kids all over the world today. Disney knows what kids want: relatable characters, simple plots and an inspirational musical score. Truthfully, Disney doesn’t churn out the same animated legends they used to but they still make movies for the little ones. Last year’s Frozen made over $1.25 billion, the fifth-highest grossing of all-time. Was that film held to the standards of the 90’s? Certainly not but it reminded us all of the good old days when we were young, still retained some childhood naivety and had that creative childhood imagination our parents used to wonder over.

When I’m asked what was the best decades for movies, I have to say the 90’s. The dramas that came out during the decade were some of the best but what really makes me tip my hat to the 90’s is Disney’s theatrics. The animated films demonstrated not only a new element to filmmaking but a recipe for childhood lore. Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, The Lion King, Pocahontas, Toy Story, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Hercules, Mulan, A Bug’s Life, Tarzan, and Toy Story 2 all came out during that decade, a truly astounding feat.

What probably made it all the more impressive was they sold us basically the same story time and again yet made the characters their own person. Self-image was a continual theme in these films. Believing in yourself, making your family and friends proud, these were all things that could be said about many of these movies, yet no critic in his or her right mind would dare to call any of these films bland, unoriginal or a blight on filmmaking. They’re all great and they all found their own niche, even if they were niches right next to their counterparts.

I loved Mulan as a kid and still do now. A girl who wants to honor her family, Mulan doesn’t seem to get things right. She means well but things don’t pan out. She’s not afraid to speak her mind. She’s instinctive and persevering. It’s a drawing which exhibits children fairly well. They’re excited to step into the world, accept more responsibility and find out what life’s all about. That’s what Mulan does as it takes us on her adventure in the army, where she makes new friends and learns values.

The voice acting is all done very well, most notably by Eddie Murphy. His sideshow vocals as Mushu the dragon kept the story’s comedy and lightheartedness alive. The score is fantastic, loved every second of it. As someone who hates musicals, Disney knew how to make one. Most musicals I watch end up making the music the focal point rather than the accompaniment it’s supposed to be. Disney never made that mistake.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Jack Reacher, Godzilla)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(When the Game Stands Tall, Black Hawk Down, Red Dawn(2012), Maleficent, Rise of the Planet of the Apes)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Rubber, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Transporter, Speed)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Expendable 3, Homefront, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Vantage Point, The Starving Games)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Gallowwalkers, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe, Watchmen, Clash of the Titans)

My score for Mulan: 92.

It’s not my favorite but as a product of the 90’s, Mulan earns its rightful place in the 90’s without question. Easily one of the best kids films of all-time and whether you’re its intended audience or you’re going on 21, you still have to smile as it warms your heart.

Tim Sports Report for 2014 NFL Week 3

Top 5

1. RB Rashad Jennings 34 carries for 176 yards, TD vs. HOU

2. WR Julio Jones 9 receptions for 161 yards, 2 TDs vs. TB

3. QB Matt Ryan 21/24 for 286 yards, 3 TDs, 155.9 QBR vs. TB

4. WR Jeremy Maclin 8 receptions for 154 yards, TD vs. WAS

5. WR Pierre Garcon 11 receptions for 138 yards, TD vs. PHI

Worst of the Worst

1. The TB/ATL game in general. Nine turnovers between the two teams. Tampa Bay gave up two defensive/special teams touchdowns, committed 11 penalties for 110 yards, went 3/13 on 3rd down and were outgained 488-217 in total yards.

2. The Oakland Raiders’ Darren McFadden scored the game-tying touchdown against the New England Patriots in the fourth quarter only to have it called back by a holding call. The next play, the Patriots intercepted the ball to secure the victory. It was the Raiders 15th-straight loss in the Eastern time zone.

3. QB Matt Stafford 22/34 for 246 yards, 2 INTs, Fmb, 61.6 QBR vs. GB

4. QB Chad Henne 4/7 for 33 yards in first half vs. IND

5. QB Jake Locker 17/34 for 185 yards, 2 INTs, 41.9 QBR vs. CIN

Steelers Recap

On ESPN’s Pigskin Pick’em, the Panthers were an 83% favorite against the Steelers Sunday night. The Steelers must not have read reports as they did not beat one of the best defenses in the NFL, but dominated them for a full sixty minutes. The Steelers had 264 rushing yards, the most under Tomlin at the helm. RBs Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount both eclipsed 100 yards, the first time two Steelers running backs accomplished the feat since October 26, 1986. The Steelers also had more rushing yards than passing, 264 vs. 190. The last time the Steelers had more rushing yards than passing was in a game against the Buccaneers on September 26, 2010 (201 to 186). The Steelers currently lead the league in rushing (163.3 per game) after landing in the bottom five just one year ago.

The bad news is the injuries the Steelers suffered during their throttling of the Panthers. First round pick Ryan Shazier suffered a knee sprain and is set to miss a few weeks. 2013 first round pick Jarvis Jones has been placed on the injured reserve list after dislocating his wrist, meaning Jones will not be available to play for at least eight weeks. To round up an already painful injury list, starting cornerback Ike Taylor broke his right forearm, meaning the 13-year veteran is most likely done for the season. Sean Spence is set to fill in for Shazier and Arthur Moats will slide into Jones’ spot. The Steelers coaxed James Harrison out of retirement and Harrison is expected to fill in as a backup. If there are any positives to take out of the situation, it’s that the Steelers looked superb against a stacked defense last week and that if there was a time for the Steelers to suffer injuries, it would be now. The Steelers’ next four games are their easiest workload of the year, facing Tampa Bay at home and then traveling on the road to Jacksonville and Cleveland before returning to Heinz Field to face the Texans. With all that said, the Buccaneers looked egregious on Thursday night against the Falcons and while the extra few days to get the team back on track should help, I’m confident the Steelers will keep pace in the division and go to 3-1.

Game of the Week: NO @ DAL

Philadelphia @ San Francisco is a close second, but I got to give the edge to this Sunday night match-up because these two teams have been so underachieving so far this year. The Saints have maintained a sixth-place rushing attack, which is impressive considering their backs and while the Saints have a top-five aerial attack, Brees has not been the dynamic player we are used to seeing. Rob Ryan’s defense has also flip-flopped performance-wise (29th against the pass in a pass-heavy division). The Saints lost to Cleveland. That sums up their season so far. On the other side, Dallas is just as bad if not worse. The defense is set to make another record for most yards allowed and Romo is lucky to have the league’s leading rusher right now in DeMarco Murray because he’s looked like an amateur. I’ll take the Saints even though they’re on the road.

 

The NFL’s Being Run by The Public Mob

My apologizes for not discussing this earlier because I know this happened a while ago but that doesn’t mean it isn’t relevant anymore. The NFL is still a boiling pot and I’m going to tell you why.

It all started with Ray Rice when he violated the league’s personal conduct policy and was suspended two games on July 25 for beating his then-fiancee Janay Palmer in February.

The NFL was taking a stand against domestic violence and holding those who commit crimes accountable. I was okay with that and thought the punishment was appropriate considering Rice was a first-time offender. The internet and sports fans exploded in outrage despite that fact that “First-time offenders, such as Rice, typically are suspended a month or less by the league. In the past three years, only 12 players have received more than four-game suspensions, and all were repeat offenders.”

Rice was charged with third-degree aggravated assault, the least serious of the three degrees and if prosecutors felt that charge echoed the severity of the case, that was good enough for me.

Commissioner Roger Goodell and the league repeatedly said that they had not seen the footage of the incident and sentenced Rice to the two-game suspension having not seen it.

Then, the video was leaked by TMZ, everyone saw it and chaos ensued. This tends to happen when you deliver a verdict without all the evidence. It would be akin to sentencing someone to life in prison for a murder before the DNA tests were entered into evidence. That’s just not a good idea. However, Goodell said he didn’t know anything. Whether he had seen the footage or not, what he did next only worsened the situation, revoking Rice’s two-game suspension and enforcing an indefinite suspension.

Perhaps the majority of people find this justifiable. However, imagine if you were convicted of domestic violence and had served half of your two-year sentence. The public is outraged because of the injustice they believed to have occurred and the fact that you didn’t get more time than you did. The judge, responding to that pressure, says, “I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is that your two-year sentence has been revoked. The bad news is that I’m sentencing you to life.”

If that happened to you, you would be pretty pissed. Why? Because things called due process and double jeopardy exist in America and you, just like every other American citizen, are entitled to them.

Just because you don’t like the outcome of a trial doesn’t mean you can have another one so it can end the way you want it to. If that’s how you think the justice system works, you’re wrong.

If that was how it worked, you could be harassed for a crime you committed 20 years ago forever, being tried again and again until the mob that is society got what they wanted: a guilty verdict.

If you still think that’s how it works, let me know when you get O.J. Simpson, Casey Anthony, and George Zimmerman back in a court room because we all know mistakes were made.

As much as we’d like those previous three individuals to be penalized for what they allegedly did, that’s not how justice works. You’ve got one chance. If you make a mistake, then that’s that. You don’t get a mulligan or a redo.

Roger Goodell’s actions did not just violate the rights of Ray Rice, but the fundamentals of the U.S. Constitution and the basic principles this country was founded on.

Ray Rice has become a scapegoat for the Nancy Grace-ers of America, who want to see anyone who commits a crime rot for the rest of their lives. His livelihood has been taken away, his passion, and his teammates and coaches, many of which I’m sure he calls friends. Ray Rice is financially stable I’m sure, but that is not the point here. The point is a man is being shouldered with burdens of all current and former NFL players who dealt with off-the-field domestic issues. Ray Rice committed but one of those.

With the societal mob carrying around their pitchforks and hate mail, Ray Rice has been left with two options: take the suspension and remain quiet, which means he’s willingly being wronged or appeal the suspension, which will only seek to enrage the mob further. Appealing the “justice” the mob has dissed out makes Rice only seem all the more guilty, which will spur irreparable damage to his reputation. It’s a lose-lose situation.

I do not condone what Rice did, but if I have to choose between Rice and rights being violated, I’m going to choose Rice. If you allow one person’s rights to get trampled, you better be ready for your own to be, and I like my rights.

Alas, the witch hunt wasn’t over, as the mob that is the public began looking for anyone with a suspicious background. They found another.

NFL superstar Adrian Peterson was indicted on a count of reckless or negligent injury to a child. Without Adrian Peterson the following Sunday, the Minnesota Vikings were disassembled like a craft held together by Elmer’s glue, committing four turnovers in the Patriots 30-7 win. Following the game, the Vikings reinstated Peterson in what appeared to be a motion of good faith. General manager Rick Spielman said, “…But we also think it is right for (Peterson) to go through the process legally… Whether it’s an abusive situation or not or whether (Peterson) went too far in disciplining, we feel very strongly that that is the court’s decision to make.”

“Finally!” I said to myself. Someone who understands the concept of innocent until proven guilty.

Two days later, the Vikings not only revoked that reinstatement, but suspended him indefinitely as well, despite the fact that Peterson had not been convicted of anything.

In the same ESPN article that they highlight the new update, it reads, “Minnesota then reinstated Peterson on Monday, citing concern for due process and the legal proceedings.”

Well, I wonder what could have possibly caused them to change their minds?

“Executives were at the team’s Winter Park headquarters late into the night Tuesday, discussing how to respond to the avalanche of criticism of their Monday announcement.”

That’s right. The owners and executives of the Minnesota Vikings decided to ignore their “concern for due process and the legal proceedings” in favor of “responding to the avalanche of criticism.” That is stupid. They, like Goodell, let the mob of public opinion become their puppeteers.

Adrian Peterson is one of the best and most respected athletes in the league and has become known for dealing with the media in a respectable fashion. He didn’t fail to do that after the announcement. His agent told The Associated Press that “this is the best possible outcome given the circumstances.”

We all know better than that. This, as well as all of the disciplinary actions Goodell and the NFL have made, could have been handled a lot better.

There are still plenty of problems. Panthers Pro Bowl defensive end Greg Hardy has been convicted on two counts of domestic violence, yet Peterson, not Hardy, found himself on the exempt list first. It is up to the team to place players on the exempt list, I acknowledge that, but I nonetheless think something is wrong when someone suspected of something is “jailed” before someone who has been convicted.

The 49ers Ray McDonald is being investigated on felony domestic violence charges but is still playing with the permission of both the 49ers and the NFL. It’s a shame that Adrian Peterson couldn’t have been granted the same luxury as someone who assaulted his pregnant fiance, which is a felony. While child abuse can also be a felony offense, it can also be a misdemeanor with potentially no jail time.

If the NFL is going to try to turn over a new leaf and start on a fresh page, they need to demonstrate some universal rules first rather than team organizations handling the problems internally. All rights need to be respected equally, not only who the public deems fit.

How I feel about the NFL and their dealings was best summed up by Bears receiver Brandon Marshall on September 18: “Because of my story and my experience and only using my story, we have to let the process play itself out, whether the process is a day or the process is a month, and we have gathered all the facts before we can go playing judge and jury, and that’s the only issue that I have with all these changes and even the changes I think we should make. We just have to make sure we’re doing our due diligence and really looking at things from a neutral standpoint.”

Marshall is absolutely right. My frustration with the NFL is not because I have a problem with players being held accountable for their actions. They need to be held accountable just like everyone else. What I have a problem with is the public making judgments before all the evidence is laid out. When they do that, they are doing exactly what Goodell did when he suspended Rice for two games before seeing the leaked footage. Know all the facts before you start sending people to the gallows. The NFL needs to grow a backbone and not let their legal proceedings be directed by the emotional, radical critic. You want to be the leaders against domestic violence and crime? Start acting like it.

Movie Review: The Cabin in the Woods

Horror films don’t fly with me.

There are a few reasons for that. I highlighted some of them during my overview of You’re Next. One of the main qualms I have with the genre is the predictability. They never seek to amaze me. No, really, I was being serious. They really don’t.

In terms of what to take away from horror films, I don’t think there is such a thing. There are some great examples of how the genre can succeed. Two of my personal favorites are Silence of the Lambs and The Shining. They are so creepy and spine-tingling but they still find time to create enticing characters. They are not films illuminating aspects of life like corruption or never trust your friends or something like that. These are two extremely well-written works that scare the living crap out of you. I just saw The Shining for the first time this summer and oh my gosh, I will never be able to look at Jack Nicholson again without thinking of that.

In my opinion, that’s what the genre is so good at. It leaves a particular type of impression, usually a print no other genre can facilitate. No matter how ruthless you make a character in an action film or drama, it can’t muster the same effect as a horror story can.

With that said, some people take the genre into realms the original creators of the genre never meant for it to go. I watched half of one of the Saw movies once, unwillingly I might add. It was one of the scariest things I ever watched but it was so screwed up. There was no impression to be made. The only thing it succeeded in doing was making me curl up in the fetal position. There were no characters, just hollow people waiting to be chopped up, burned alive or tortured in nearly every way imaginable. There was no point to it all. It was just unbridled chaos. It was not fun.

You might have noticed I named two older films as my favorites of the genre. There’s a reason for that. Back in 1980 and 1991, when The Shining and Silence of the Lambs were released, respectively, writers and directors still understood the entertainment that was to be had from horror. It was not to cause panic attacks, crippling helplessness, or display satanic, sadistic and heinous story acts. Directors today seem to think painting the most gruesome, sickening images they can think of will get them in the good graces of the genre’s most loyal fans. The remainder seem to think a few jump scares and pretty faces will do the trick.

Should horror films scare us? Yes. Should we be forever scarred from them for the rest of our lives? Definitely not. A healthy medium is required here. As with most films, the genre needs to rely on characters. What made The Shining so great? A Stephen King adaptation, Stanley Kubrick directing and an award-worthy performance from Jack Nicholson. What made Silence of the Lambs so great? It won the big five Academy Awards: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Adapted Screenplay. Do you know Anthony Hopkins had less than 20 minutes of screen time as Hannibal Lecter? Yet he was so on point, so involved and so suspiciously evil everyone was scared of Hopkins for a while. I’m sure everyone was afraid to be in a room alone with that guy.

I’m not sure I can name a horror movie made in the last five years I’ve seen that I cared for. Open Grave was lethal. Don’t subject yourself to it or you might dig your own grave. You’re Next was stupid but not intolerable. Based off the trailers and reviews I read from the WordPress blogging community, not only are the horror movies of today not worth seeing, they’re detrimental to life expectancy.

So when I come upon a treat like The Cabin in the Woods, I know I’ve got to give it the high praise it deserves. Many moons ago, I read reviews from the forum about the bewildering phenomenon it was. Apparently, it was a ground-breaking story and a big hit for the genre. I read it wasn’t overly scary and it made fun of horror films.

Based off those few tidbits, you can count me in.

So I watched it on Netflix last night and I was really confused at the beginning. I actually re-watched the first eight minutes to make sure I didn’t accidentally skip something. I never go back to the beginning when I start a film for the first time. Never.

That’s what The Cabin in the Woods is. It’s one of those rare exceptions to all the rules. It finds its way to dark humor that is effective rather than corny. It’s got some head-scratching scenes that return to shock you later.

Because it’s one of those films, I can’t discuss a lot of the things I usually would. It’s best to go in blind when you watch this. Trust me, you don’t want to know anything about it.

It’s not the acting or special effects that make it great. It’s what I discussed earlier that does: the characters and story. Joss Whedon produced and wrote the script with director Drew Goddard. Whedon’s ability to change things up and keep it fresh is especially notable here. This does not feel like another wasted canvas used for a shoddy, good-for-nothing story, trick-or-treat scare tactics and undercooked characters. It carries originality and surprise twists. Dare I say, I care about these characters. Do you know how many times I’ve uttered the phrase, “I care about these characters” when discussing a horror movie? Probably twice.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Jack Reacher, Godzilla)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(When the Game Stands Tall, Black Hawk Down, Red Dawn(2012), Maleficent, Rise of the Planet of the Apes)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Rubber, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Transporter, Speed)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Expendable 3, Homefront, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Vantage Point, The Starving Games)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Gallowwalkers, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe, Watchmen, Clash of the Titans)

My score for The Cabin in the Woods: 86.

Sadly, I can’t go into more depth because this film will never be better than the first time you watch it but The Cabin in the Woods is a revolutionary product not just for filmmaking but for the genre. Even if you’re not a fan of horror, I think you’ll find Whedon’s influence here worth the watch by itself.

Tim Sports Report For 2014 NFL Week 2

Top 5

1. QB Philip Rivers 28/37 for 284 yards, 3 TDs, 124.2 QBR vs. SEA

2. QB Jay Cutler 23/34 for 176 yards, 4 TDs, 119.2 QBR vs. SF

3. WR Jordy Nelson 9 receptions for 209 yards, TD vs. NYJ

First Green Bay receiver to have over 200 yards since 1996

4. QB Peyton Manning 21/26 for 242 yards, 3 TDs, 143.9 QBR vs. KC

5. RB DeMarco Murray 29 carries for 167 yards, TD, Fmb vs. TEN

Worst of the Worst

1. Jets offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg calls timeout to nullify game-tying TD pass, then lose vs. GB

2. 49ers commit 16 penalties for 118 yards, 4 turnovers, 2/5 in the red zone vs. CHI

3. QB Colin Kaepernick 21/34 for 248 yards, TD, 3 INTs, Fmb, 57.0 QBR vs. CHI

4. QB Matt Cassel 19/36 for 202 yards, TD, 4 INTs, 6 sacks, 39.1 QBR vs. NE

5. Jaguars QB Chad Henne sacked 10 times vs. WAS

Steelers Recap

The Steelers went to Baltimore and looked terrible. Nevermind the fact that Ben was hassled all night by the Ravens defensive front, the nine penalties and three turnovers the Steelers committed or the fact that a duo of Bernard Pierce and Justin Forsett managed to run for 152 yards versus the steel curtain. That’s without mentioning that Steve Smith was as open as a Walmart on Black Friday. However, the Steelers dodged the most dangerous bullet, which was losing star receiver Antonio Brown to what looked like a serious concussion. Thankfully, Brown returned later in the game and gave Steelers fans hope for the future. If there is any good to take away from this, it’s that it was a game versus the Ravens in Baltimore and such a game is hardly reflective of the team’s potential. That doesn’t mean the Steelers shouldn’t learn from their undisciplined play. They’ve got bottleneck the penalties and continue the steady pass protection we saw in week one against Cleveland. In Carolina, picking against the Panthers is difficult, considering the solid defense they have, but I’m taking the Steelers this week anyway. The Panthers starting running back, DeAngelo Williams, looks questionable at best for Sunday night’s game and Cam Newton has not looked himself lately. Greg Olsen and Kelvin Benjamin are above-average pass-catchers, but I would hope the secondary, as shoddy as it is, can cover two people. It will definitely be a close game, there’s no doubt of that, but I think the Steelers will show they’ve learned something by beating Newton and the Panthers.

Game of the Week: DEN @ SEA

Is this even a question? It’s a Super Bowl rematch and hopefully this time we’ll be able to describe it as a sporting event. The Chargers made the Seahawks defense look elementary last week and the offense struggled mightily without Lynch carrying the rock. He’s questionable for the game and without him, the Seahawks win probability is cut in half in my opinion because of a limited receiving core. The Broncos are healthy and have plenty of people to rely on. I’m biased on this, I don’t deny it, but I’m still taking one of the greatest quarterbacks in history over Seattle.

Movie Review: When the Game Stands Tall

I love sports. Most people do. Therefore, it seems fair to assume people love sports films. Remember the Titans is a personal favorite of many.

When the Game Stands Tall faces the same challenge as many sports films. Constructing a sports film without clichés and developing emotional impact without unraveling the structure of the story is harder than it seems. Sincere emotion can be hard to convey by relatively inexperienced actors and with sports films incorporating a lengthy list of characters, some unknown actors have to step in. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. When the Game Stands Tall carries some of each.

Character writing constricts some of the propulsion this film could have had and it’s a shame because director Thomas Carter’s sports dedication had some of the gears running smoothly. Critics have berated Jim Caviezel’s depiction of De La Salle coach Bob Ladouceur, but I didn’t find his work worthy of the badgering. Do I know Ladouceur as well as I’d like to know perhaps one of the greatest coaches of all time? Certainly not. If that’s what you’re looking for, look somewhere else. With that said, I know some of the traits and values Ladouceur teaches and carries with him. I can say what gets him up in the morning and what his motivations for coaching are. Those principles, like preaching family, teamwork and humility, are part of this film’s overall message and so given the treatment it was trying to dish out, Caviezel’s sketch works. This isn’t a film looking to establish Oscar-worthy characters and I think critics should take that into consideration.

This film isn’t about players and coaches. It’s more about what football means to people. I mentioned this in a previous sports post but what sports mean to fans is much more than competition. It’s about the heart you put into it. It’s about what and who you’re playing for. It’s about the will to win. Sports transcend far past the field of play. The same values transfer over to your real life and how you handle yourself with other people. That’s what Ladouceur and this team are trying to say. It’s not always about winning, setting records and being the best. It’s about the team and the guy next to you. That’s the note this team hit right and the one they prioritized.

The acting is decent all things considered but no one really stands out as an exceptional player in the film. It furthers the film’s theme of teamwork however, sacrificing individuality for the betterment of everyone.

Given all this film succeeds at doing, the flaws are more prominent here because nothing about When the Game Stands Tall really jumps out at you. Without an attention-grabbing character or plot anchor, this film’s average language and juvenile attempts at dramatic lines protrude further than normal. When something misses the mark, you notice. It can’t be shrouded over because of ongoing questions in your mind or suspenseful anticipation. This movie thrives by going moment-by-moment and so if any points miss, it drags a bit. There are some characters introduced in the beginning we have the want to learn more about but never get to.

The football sequences are fine but not exceptional. Some sequences I thought were sloppily edited and underdone.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Jack Reacher, Godzilla)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(Black Hawk Down, Red Dawn(2012), Maleficent, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Transporter 2)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Rubber, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Transporter, Speed)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Expendable 3, Homefront, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Vantage Point, The Starving Games)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Gallowwalkers, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe, Watchmen, Clash of the Titans)

My score for When the Game Stands Tall: 75.

I don’t question the will When the Game Stands Tall exhibits, only the sincerity of its heart. Still a solid sports film I wouldn’t mind revisiting though.

Movie Review: Black Hawk Down

I was scrolling through my blog yesterday and I realized something: I hadn’t written a review on a good film in a while. The last time I reviewed a film that scored in the 70’s or higher? The Red Dawn remake on August 13. Today is September 12. A month of cinematic incompetence? “No,” I said to myself. “I will not go a whole month without writing at least one movie review with a 70’s or higher score.”

To be truthful, I did re-watch volumes one and two of Kill Bill but I didn’t want to write a review on those just yet. I want to keep some of the classics around for later.

I have some films on the shelf that have yet to be opened that I’m anxious to open up and throw in but I felt like something else. Despite all the wrongs Netflix has committed against me (although I admit partial responsibility), I continue to go back to it. Among the top picks for me was Black Hawk Down.

I saw some of this on TV once but I never got to finish. Based off what I saw, I wanted to see the whole product.

There are a lot of faces I recognized in this film, such as Josh Hartnett and Ewen Bremner from Pearl Harbor and Ewan McGregor, Eric Bana and William Fichtner. Tom Sizemore from practically any war movie but especially Saving Private Ryan, nice to see you. A young Orlando Bloom and Tom Hardy were aboard for the ride I see and Jason Isaacs a.k.a. Lucius Malfoy. You can’t hide from me behind that Texas drawl!!! I WILL FIND HIM!!!

Alas, this film might have had a minor case of OBCLD. For those of you who didn’t read my Expendables 3 review, that means Over-Bloated Cast List Disease. Thankfully, these aren’t all big-name stars so this film isn’t neglected or blanketed by the opening credits and familiar faces. I’m just saying I noticed.

With that said, I was expecting some stuff with Black Hawk Down. I’m a heavy war movie addict. The brotherhood/camaraderie features, world dialogues and brutal realism get to me. They’re not always “fun”. Sometimes they make you hate people, despise the world and wonder why you’re still in it. Other times, it’s about showing not everything can be done the clean way. Somebody needs to get down in the trenches and dig out the mud. Should it happen? No, but it does and while we will never be able to attain the experiences of veterans, the least we can do, in my opinion, is seek out ways to empathize with them. Cinematic carnage gives us a chance.

Somalia’s a corrupt, anarchist state run by one general who gains followers by starving them out. That’s some dark stuff. I’m a history buff but I can’t say how precise director Ridley Scott’s visual novella is. Setting aside its historical truths or inaccuracies, Black Hawk Down is about leaving no one behind and putting others before yourself.

It’s admirable stuff that could have been done better. The OBCLD is partly to blame here but there are so many faces, so many parties involved that trying to remember where everyone is location-wise and personality-wise can become an arduous task. I don’t think I can call them subplots because they all interact with the main problem, which is thousands of Somalians with AK-47’s and happy trigger fingers. That rather large ripple in this film’s metaphorical pond is a stalwart try but the film’s time in the oven leaves the attempt well-done. The same can be said for the overall piece in my mind.

Aside from the empathy bid, there’s not a whole lot of character here despite the many at Scott’s disposal. At the end of the movie, Eversmann (Josh Hartnett), which is a play on names (every man), says that we all changed. The context is understood but I still found myself asking, “Did you though? Did you really?” Keep in mind I’m speaking of the character, not the conflict and those who actually served in it. There isn’t any time set aside for character drama. It’s a war zone, yet war films usually incorporate these reflective character sessions into the story. Saving Private Ryan had them. Braveheart had them. We Were Soldiers had them. The Patriot had them. Fury had them. Every memorable, exceptional war movie has them. Black Hawk Down does not.

Coming from the same guy that made Gladiator, I was surprised. Ridley Scott has made portraits fine, great and exceptional. Among his previous sculptures, I’d consider Black Hawk Down in the greats but with a stronger leading arm could have been exceptional.

The Academy graciously awarded Black Hawk Down two Oscars for Best Film Editing and Best Sound but I found the action to be rather tame compared to some of the other bloodshed I’ve observed. I’m not saying it needed to be mind-bending brutality but I think this could have gotten heavier, darker and more representative of the burdens our veterans carry. War is no light matter. Black Hawk Down concurs with the previous statement but for an R-rated film, it edited itself far below the ceiling an R-rating incites. If you want to make a conflicted film all ages above 18 can enjoy, this is probably the way to do it without turning anyone off to the material. However, sometimes it is the things that spur debate that are the greatest, like Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech for example. If you let public opinion object your creativity, you’re doing yourself an injustice. People don’t know revolutionary until you put it in front of them.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Jack Reacher, Godzilla)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(Red Dawn(2012), Maleficent, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Transporter 2, Battle: Los Angeles)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Rubber, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Transporter, Speed)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Expendable 3, Homefront, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Vantage Point, The Starving Games)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Gallowwalkers, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe, Watchmen, Clash of the Titans)

My score for Black Hawk Down: 77.

The story had a lot of potential but the normal cuts and jabs we expect from Scott don’t show up in Black Hawk Down. I’m not sure if it’s on Ken Nolan and the screenplay, book author Mark Bowden or on Ridley himself but this had more buzz and certainly more talent to be explored. I’m sure I’ll find my way back to this for another viewing but in no way does this even attempt to make the climb to war movie classics.

Tim Sports Report for 2014 NFL Week 1

Top 5

1. QB Matt Ryan 31/43 for (franchise record) 448 yards, 3 TDs, 128.8 QBR vs. NO

2. TE Julius Thomas 7 receptions for 104 yards, 3 TDs vs. IND

3. RB Knowshon Moreno 24 carries for 134 yards, TD vs. NE

4. WR Calvin Johnson 7 receptions for 164 yards, 2 TDs vs. NYG

5. RB Le’Veon Bell 21 carries for 109 yards,  TD, 6 receptions for 88 yards vs. CLE

Worst of the Worst

1. Steelers lead 27-3 at half, then allow 24 unanswered points before winning on a last-second field goal.

2. Eagles limited to 129 yards and Foles commits three turnovers in first half vs. JAC

3. QB Tony Romo 23/37 for 281 yards, TD, 3 INTs, 60.7 QBR vs. SF

4. Jets commit 11 penalties for 105 yards, 2 turnovers and 1/4 in the red zone vs. OAK

5. Raiders held to minute 158 total yards vs. NYJ

Steelers Recap

The Steelers had a stellar first half and more than exceeded my expectations for week one…until the second half started. From that point onward, the Steelers reminded all of its fans why they started 0-4 last year. Undisciplined play, atrocious pass coverage and total negligence on the run defense, they were all present. The Steelers may have won the game, but the fact remains they played a little over half the game, not a full 60 minutes, something that coach Tomlin has had to constantly remind his players to do. In Baltimore tomorrow, Ravens win.

Game of the Week: PHI @ IND

The Eagles were dreadful in the first half of their game against the Jaguars. The Colts, on the other hand, showed some resolve and determination, almost completing a comeback against the Denver Broncos. The Colts look hot and the Eagles, not. Luck leads his team to victory.

Movie Review: Gallowwalkers

Any respect I may have had for Wesley Snipes has been incinerated.

Gallowwalkers claims to be a horror western about Snipes killing people and then killing them again after they come back alive. The word “zombie” is used in the plot synopsis but this film does not have zombies. Director and writer Andrew Goth can’t decide what he wants people to look like when they come back. Some have disfigured bodies, some don’t and some have normal brain function like before and others don’t. The conditions and requirements for things to return to life are never clearly cut and neither is this movie despite how many times you’ll see people getting their faces ripped off.

Probably the other problem with this film is that it took forever for it to be completed. Due to Snipes failure to pay taxes, the film didn’t release on DVD until nearly eight years since it first began filming. Eight years! Give up, people!

The script of Gallowwalkers is already so cursed and blasé that nothing can liven it up. If Snipes would just pay Uncle Sam what he’s due when he collects his paychecks, maybe this film would have been a little better. By a little better, I mean there’s a freshly-made Big Mac in the middle of the dumpster if you’re really hungry. Hopefully, you’d figure out eating that would be unsanitary but apparently the makers of this film would be okay with that because that’s basically what Gallowwalkers is.

It’s no wonder Netflix got a hold of this for its subscribers. Gallowwalkers is probably fighting for whatever spare change it can get.

The acting is terrible, the pacing as ponderous as an aged mammoth. I don’t know what’s going on for the first ten minutes. Convenience is a common occurrence in this story and it’s so absurd and unwarranted that there’s little point in riding the tracks Goth sets out for us.

The gun-riddling is ironically like a duel: it lasts for ten seconds and ends with an anti-climatic sputter. Dialogue becomes an overblown commodity throughout the film as events that could lead to action are glossed over with incessant rambling. For claiming to be a horror western, this film doesn’t frighten nor does it exude the western wit and tension you would expect from something of the genre.

Another folly might be its attempts to combine horror and western and centers on making a new genre instead of a new film. Goth is so set on instilling fear that any want to engage yourself in Gallowwalkers is eliminated within the first half hour. There’s no hook, no appeal to our attention. It felt like this production team was more focused on a statement in filmmaking than a statement in the entertainment industry. If only they would have seen the quality of their work. Maybe then they would have seen the egregious product before them. On the other hand, they had eight years to review this and still didn’t see anything rusted or corroded.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Guardians of the Galaxy, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Transformers: Age of Extinction, Jack Reacher, Godzilla)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(Red Dawn(2012), Maleficent, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Transporter 2, Battle: Los Angeles)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Rubber, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Transporter, Speed)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Expendable 3, Homefront, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Vantage Point, The Starving Games)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Grey, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Safe, Watchmen, Clash of the Titans, A Haunted House 2)

My score for Gallowwalkers: 13.

I know this review isn’t very good. I’m sorry but I don’t have anything else to say here. Very rarely do I find myself lost for words. Guess that’s a testament to the mess this is.