Movie Review: Stonados

And you thought Sharknado was bad. Well think again because you haven’t seen bad until you’ve seen Stonados. It’s exactly what you think it is, stones in a tornado that ravage the city of Boston to no end, terrorizing the minds of its citizens with obvious green screen that’s not even trying to be real, terrible special effects, squeamish and blank faces, stonados that get evaporated by black holes and tasteless acting. With a movie this bad, I didn’t know if I could handle the task of reviewing it alone so I called Robin…I mean, uh, Chris from theofficialgrump.wordpress.com to help me out. It’s a bonus brother edition!

Chris: I’ll save you! Citizens of WordsofWisTIM, I have come to save you from this natural disaster.

Tim: It’s not going to be easy because we’re covered in a torrential downpour of stupid. I don’t feel like anyone in this film is trying or maybe the script is just so good at making everyone look like an incompetent fool that no one can look smart reading these lines. There are so many fallacies and faults and the production crew never runs out of ideas of how to make this movie worse.

Chris: Half of these people, after saying their lines, seem to stay there a little longer then they need to as if to say, “Did I say that right?” Multiple times a character would occasionally say “I don’t know what’s going on.” I laughed and said “neither do we.”

Tim: This film also does one of the worst possible things in film. It reuses shots again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. That’s 18 times!!! WHO DOES THAT?! Of those 18 shots, they picked out five to use a third time!!! The same shot three times!!! However, this film knew it could do better, so they took one of those five shots they used a third time and used it a fourth time. THE….. SAME….. SHOT….. FOUR …..FREAKING ….. TIMES….. WHAT IS GOING ON?????!!!!! THIS IS CINEMATIC HELL!!!

Chris: It was incredibly stupid that they used the same stonado effect so many times.

Tim: The film spends at least a tenth of its running time reminding us we’re in Boston by placing Boston Bruins paraphernalia everywhere and innumerable shots of seagulls and water over rocks because we got to remind everyone it’s Boston for the five billionth time.

Chris: The Ford logo and the Heinz in Heinz Field were removed because this film was so bad.

Tim: Never have I been so ashamed to have scenes of the city of Pittsburgh in a movie. There’s so much in this that no one cares about. It’s one of those movies where your reaction to at least half of what is being said leaves you with a reaction like this. It’s so nonsensical and ludicrous that’s it’s just not funny aside from a very few instances. The two main characters haven’t seen each other in two years….DON’T CARE! The term “waterspouts” is in every five lines of dialogue! The kids never pick up their phones!! EVER!!! Why even have phones?! Why does this exist??!! Why?!

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Godzilla, Secretariat, Prisoners, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Captain America: The Winter Soldier)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, Spider-Man 3, Divergent)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, 300, Flyboys, Dawn of the Dead, Captain America: The First Avenger)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Speed, Godzilla(1998), The Incredible Hulk, Disaster Movie, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Starving Games, You’re Next, Thor, Full Metal Jacket, Alien Resurrection)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens, Serendipity, Alien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Redemption, Pride and Prejudice, The Contract )

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Open Grave, Alien 3, Dark Fury, Midnight Cowboy)

My score for Stonados: 30.

Stonados might have gotten a 30 and slightly edged itself out of the 20’s but barely so. The only reason that’s the case is because I had a little fun and laughs with this but there’s still no doubt this movie is egregious and I could have lived my life without ever having seen this.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

Tim: There’s a guy at the lighthouse. Why is he in this movie?! All he does is look out the window through his freaking binoculars and we see the same exact thing every time!!! Later when stones are falling from the sky, Jackson, the son, decides to hide behind the most indestructible object known to man: a WOODEN BENCH. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU DON’T EVEN DESERVE TO LIVE!!! YOU’RE TOO FREAKING STUPID, YOU IDIOT!

Chris: Me agree. There were other scenes where people were hiding behind stupid things that couldn’t do anything which made no sense but I still laughed at it.

Tim: Lee is reporting another incident of a stonado when the cameraman pans to the side and tapes a girl getting smashed by a rock. Lee simply steps back into the frame and continues to reports like nothing happened. This gets put on television. WHAT?! THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN!!! Gosh, this is brain cell-destroying trash.

Chris: This had to be the funniest scene of the entire movie for me. Just shows that news people want attention and nothing else. The camera man must be a total idiot, too. “Instead of stopping the video and try to help this person or leave, let’s instead keep filming and pretend nothing happened.” BRILLIANT! I also liked how the rocks seemed to be mutated beings. For the first half hour of the movie, rocks didn’t explode in the movie. “I have an idea, let’s make them explode and refuse to explain it!” said the director, and so they decide to explode 10 seconds after impact. Then they decide to have them explode only when you touch them. There is no word in the English dictionary that describes how stupid this sequence is.

Another unexplained thing. Joe, our main character who doomed his entire career in one movie, gets random calls from people informing him of what is happening. I have a question? WHO…THE HECK….CALLED THEM O.O