Monthly Archives: October 2013

Movie Review: Captain America: The First Avenger

The superhero Captain America has never really appealed to me. While I didn’t know all of Captain America’s story coming into this movie, I felt I knew enough to make an opinion. My opinion was one of dislike. It wasn’t the person that Captain America was so much as the powers that were there or the lack thereof. Aside from a shield that blocks basically everything, he’s no more than a big guy that used powerful steroids. He’s not bulletproof, he’s not incredibly agile although faster than most people, and he doesn’t have any powers that really make him any different then a world’s strongest man competitor. He can take hits and dish them out and he has a shield that deflects everything, yet he insists on throwing it at his opponents, forgetting that without it he’s left vulnerable, becoming nothing more than a heavyweight boxer. He also uses guns, which puts him on the same level as the Punisher, arguably the worst superhero ever.

My family saw it when it came out but I couldn’t bring myself to see it. The trailer didn’t look bad, but my pre-movie bias stopped me from going to see it. After seeing the new trailer for the sequel, I thought it would be appropriate to see the first one.

Captain America: The First Avenger does a very good job of giving the audience background information so that those who don’t know the whole story of Captain America such as myself can follow the story.

Action scenes, humor, and character interactions is what the movie is focusing on most of the time. I’ve seen far better action scenes, but they’re still fun to watch. The humor gets some grins and chuckles, but what really makes this movie what it is are the characters. Chris Evans does a great job with his portrayal of Steve Rogers a.k.a. Captain America. I picture him in the role the whole time and I feel like I’m actually watching the story of the guy, not watching the story of the guy being portrayed in a movie. The character connection is dominant. As someone who was 120 pounds at my high school graduation, I can understand the trials and tribulations that Rogers had to deal with. I was 6’0″, but was 5’3″ through most of junior high, so I knew what it meant to be the little guy, at least for a while. His character is sincere, a genuine person and what he lacks in size he makes up for in character, something that I admired. He doesn’t get arrogant or self-obsessed after his transformation. The love connection between Rogers and Peggy Carter is sincere and I care what happens between the two.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42Just Go With It)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Man of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House DownJobsThe Truman Show)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Shaun of the DeadSharknadoThe Usual Suspects21 Jump StreetEscape Plan)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Road to PerditionTotal RecallDodgeball: A True Underdog StoryAlong Came PollyAliens)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch BlackAlien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark Fury, Alien 3)

My score for Captain America: The First Avenger: 76.

It’s not a must-buy by any means, but Captain America: The First Avenger is definitely worth giving a shot. The screenwriting is well-done for the most part and most of the characters are top-notch, which makes up for the slightly disappointing action scenes.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

The action scenes are slightly disappointing but I think that’s more because of who the superhero is. Captain America is just not a high-grade superhero. He’s an underdog, someone you want to rally behind, but if there was such a thing as a “superhero draft”, Captain America wouldn’t be in the top 15.

Captain America crashes the plane to prevent the weapons from exploding and ends up freezing himself. He wakes up 70 years later and realizes that everyone he knew and loved is dead, including Peggy Carter, who he was supposed to have a date with in a week. It was very sad and I felt bad for Rogers, because it’s like starting life all over again, except you remember what it used to be before.

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Movie Review: Alien 3

The third part of the alien quadrilogy was viewed by yours truly and some of my friends on Friday night. It was, without question, one of the worst decisions I have ever made in my entire life.

Sigourney Weaver refuses to leave a series that has some of the worst screenwriting in any movie series ever made. Alien 3 or Alien cubed, depending on how you want to read it, starts with Ripley, Newt and Bishop from the last movie on an escape pod after their latest escape from the alien-populated planet LV-426. The pod crash-lands on Fiorina 161, a small penitentiary of all-male inmates. Bishop is torn to shreds and Newt dies, leaving Ripley as the only survivor. People start dying and Ripley suspects aliens.

This plot sounds similar to some of the Riddick movies, specifically Pitch Black. People start dying and even though no one likes Ripley, they are forced to follow her as a leader.

The pace is even slower than in the first two. Dialogue between characters that in no way furthers the plot or does anything relevant for the movie is always happening. Why they are so focused on the dialogue in these movies, I don’t know. I don’t think most of us care about the characters in these alien killer movies and if we’re supposed to care, the filmmakers don’t try hard enough to make us care. They also expect us to wait for a whole two and a half hours so that they can do that. While the normal running time is 114 minutes, we watched the special edition, which was also one of the worst decisions of my life.

Everyone on the planet is British and it’s annoying. They have plenty of cuss words intertwined because apparently hearing British people randomly drop the f-word is hilarious to director David Fincher. The only problem is that it’s not. I don’t care about the characters at all and I got so bored with this movie that I started yelling at the TV, asking for someone to die already. We don’t care about the stupid dialogue! I don’t even know most of these characters’ names!

There are a lot of plot holes and some of the things that happen just don’t seem plausible.

All the scenes with the alien are dumb. Every death scene is the same. A quick zoom in of the alien’s face, the person gets pulled up and blood gets splattered on the wall. Next death is nearly identical. The whole point of horror movies is to make them suspenseful. You don’t want the audience to see what’s going to happen before it happens. You don’t want to make it overly predictable. This is one of the most predictable movies I’ve ever seen and it leaves me with a strong feeling of loathing.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42Just Go With It)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Man of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House DownJobsThe Truman Show)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Shaun of the DeadSharknadoThe Usual Suspects21 Jump StreetEscape Plan)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Road to PerditionTotal RecallDodgeball: A True Underdog StoryAlong Came Polly, Aliens)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch BlackAlien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark Fury)

My score for Alien 3: 5.

THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN!!! The characters and character development sucks, the action is extremely limited and lame, and it takes forever for something relevant to happen. It’s like a newborn puppy trying to run when it’s chained to a tank! It’s barely moving if at all! This movie was so bad that I couldn’t even watch all of it! Every time someone started talking, I fast forwarded because I really just wanted the movie to end already!!! IT’S SO FREAKING STUPID!!! How did this movie get 6.4/10 on IMDb and 42% on Rotten Tomatoes???!!! THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER!!! AAAHHHHH!!!

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

First of all, Ripley won’t tell the doctor why she wants an autopsy done. If there’s a possible alien walking around, the sooner everyone knows about it the better.

Ripley decides they have to trap the alien in the toxic waste room, which has only one exit. They cover the air vents in flammable slime only to have one of the guys spreading the stuff in the air vent get attacked by an alien and drop his flare, which lights everything on fire and kills half of the inmates. However, the alien is trapped and there’s no way for it to get out. Well there’s this one crazy inmate tied up to a bed and he talks one of the other inmates into letting him go. He unties him and the crazy one hits him in the back of the head and knocks him out. The crazy one says, “I want to see it again.” WHAT?! He goes down to the vat and slices the throat of the inmate guarding the door, opens the door and walks in. The alien runs out of the room shortly after. We never see the crazy one again so who knows what happened to him. Yeah, he probably died but I would have liked some confirmation. Why the hell did the guy need to see the alien again? I would have liked a better explanation then “oh, he’s crazy”.

Ripley’s not feeling well and gets a cat-scan, which reveals that she has a mother queen embryo in her stomach. She realizes that’s why the alien didn’t kill her after killing the doctor, Clemens, because it knew that she was raising a queen. Ripley finds Dillon, the leader of the inmates and asks him to kill her. WHAT?! You just found out that the alien won’t attack you, which means that you can just walk up to it and stab it in the face, killing it yourself without anyone dying, and instead you ask Dillon to just kill you, which would effectively be like hanging themselves? How is Ripley still alive when she’s so stupid?! Dillon has to remind her how to use her brain, refusing to kill her until she helps the inmates kill the alien. Ripley realizes she’s stupid and agrees to help, only she doesn’t do anything! Rather than just walking up to it and killing it, which we already know is possible, Dillon and Ripley decide to try to lead the alien into the molding facility so they can drop hot lead on it. Once again, they don’t need to make this plan so damn complicated. All they have to do is give Dillon’s axe to Ripley and she can go kill it because it won’t attack her, but no, that would make sense and mean that the movie would end a whole half hour early, and we want to make sure the audience is bored out of their minds for as long as possible, said the filmmakers. So the group runs the alien through a bunch of doors, so many that the audience doesn’t even know which way the characters are going. The doors continue to shut until an inmate runs into one and then the alien kills him because the inmate doesn’t have anywhere to go. This game of cat-and-mouse is going to end the same way every time for the next fifteen minutes but the inmates continue to play it anyway because everyone is stupid. Eventually, Ripley finally decides to intervene and she traps the alien in a corner and starts battling it and the alien refuses to attack Ripley. “Finally,” I said to myself, “it’s about time someone in this movie displayed some sort of intelligence.” But wait! Dillon decides he doesn’t want to end the movie so soon and is more interested in killing it with the molten lead even though it can be ended right now, so he pulls Ripley away from the corner and runs away with her, allowing the alien to get out of the corner. Ripley gets to the molten lava lever and Dillon stays behind in the mold to draw the alien in, making a sacrifice that he didn’t have to make if he would have just let Ripley kill the alien in the corner five minutes ago. It makes no sense and it was a HUGE waste of time.

Alex has told me the fourth one is even worse than this one, but I don’t know how that’s possible seeing how bad this one was. I hope he’s wrong, but I guess we’ll all find out when I write my review on it. Until next time guys.

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Movie Review: Aliens

[ ALIENS POSTER ]My apprehension to watching this could not be overstated, but Alex assured me that it was much better than the first one.

This time directed by James Cameron, we once again find Ellen Ripley and best actor winner Jones the cat returning for Aliens, the second installment of the Alien quadrillogy.

Ripley got into cryosleep saying that she should make it to Earth in a few weeks at the end of Alien. At the beginning of Aliens, she is awoken from cryosleep to find out that she’s been in stasis for 57 years. Guess she slightly miscalculated.

Then the company she works for puts her before a panel of judges and suspends her flight license because they don’t believe her story. She’s also demoted and learns that a colony has been established on the same planet that her crew encountered the aliens on.

So starts the movie. It sure is a crappy way to start a movie. There’s a ton of plot holes in this movie early on and eventually they finally eliminate them, but it takes FOREVER!!!

The movie is incredibly slow to start and moves at a snail’s pace. The characters are established which is one of the few benefits to wasting all the time they do in this movie.

I get to learn who Ripley is in this movie instead of the movie just assuming that I know who Ripley is like they did in Alien. She has some character development. The rest of the supporting cast isn’t relevant and you can tell because you don’t get under the skin of any of these characters.

The movie is way too long. At two and a half hours, the action and story line simply don’t require so much time. The first hour is all exposition and plot holes. It’s incredibly boring and not essential to the story.

After the slugfest of boredom that was the whole first half of this movie. it finally gets suspenseful and exciting. It has a lot going for it. However, there’s a huge plot hole at the end that ruins the fun.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42Just Go With It)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Man of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House DownJobsThe Truman Show)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Shaun of the DeadSharknadoThe Usual Suspects21 Jump Street, Escape Plan)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (After EarthRoad to PerditionTotal RecallDodgeball: A True Underdog StoryAlong Came Polly)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch BlackAlien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark Fury)

My score for Aliens: 54. 

The third act of this movie is pretty good but there’s a plot hole at the end and the movie as a whole is simply too long and leaves the audience bored. Ripley’s character development isn’t too bad but the supporting cast doesn’t have much. The action’s good but there’s not enough of it.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

First off, Jones the cat is in the movie for like ten minutes. I would have loved to have had him throughout the whole movie because having him the whole movie in Alien was priceless. Second, once Ripley is told that a mission to investigate the loss of communication on the alien planet is commencing, she says there’s no way she’s going and she will never change her mind. A few hours later she changes her mind; the main character says they’re never going to do something and then they change their mind in a couple of hours cliche. Also, why would you ever go there? I’m sorry, but if they’ve lost communication with the planet then they’re probably all dead and it’s not worth going there to investigate.

Next, one of the families on the planet goes on a perimeter round and discovers the alien ship. The ship is within sight of the main base and is less than two miles away. Are you seriously saying that in all the years that this base has been operating they’ve never looked even two miles outside their base before? Seriously?

When the characters finally get on this planet, which is nearly a half hour in, the armed crew investigates the base for ten minutes and finds nothing. They only go through one floor of the base and the commander outside determines the base is clear. What?! The place has multiple stories and they check one level and they deem it safe? Who does that?! What military procedures are they following?!

They go in and discover where all the human locators are, meaning that is where all of the people must be. They get in there and Ripley reminds the commander that they are under a nuclear reactor, meaning that they can’t be shooting in there or the place will explode. The commander instructs the sergeant to take all of their magazines. What?! You’re sending them in there with low-grade weapons?! Why do you need to take their magazines? They’re highly trained soldiers! How did this guy ever get promoted?! If you have to take their magazines, retreat back, leave your high-grade guns and go in then or better yet, just send two guys with the high-grade weapons in and if they explode then you don’t lose anybody. Regardless of what he chooses, anything would have been better than the decision he made.

Finally at the end of the movie, Ripley goes, by herself, to rescue the little girl. She has close to no military experience, but she manages to kill a crapload of aliens, which while incredibly unrealistic, is still pretty fun to watch. Then she faces the mother alien in a baggage robot, which looks similar to the robots in Avatar.

She faces the mother alien and they both fall down an air shaft. Ripley gets out of the baggage robot and starts to climb the ladder to get out. The mother alien grabs Ripley’s leg right before the air hatch collapses, meaning everything is being sucked into outer space. Ripley interlocks her arms around the ladder rung and is able to hold on until the mother alien loses her grasp. Wait, what?! That mother alien was at least a ton. Ripley’s leg would have ripped off or Ripley wouldn’t have been able to hold the weight and they both would have been sucked into space. The way they ended it is just not plausible.

 

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Tim Sports Report for 2013 NFL Week 7

Top 5

1. QB Andrew Luck 21/38 for 228 yards, 3 TDs, 99.5 QBR vs. DEN

2. RB Matt Forte 16 carries for 91 yards, 3 TDs vs. WSH

3. WR Calvin Johnson 9 receptions for 155 yards, 2 TDs vs. CIN

4. QB Andy Dalton 24/34 for 372 yards, 3 TDs, career-high 135.9 QBR vs. DET

5. WR Vincent Jackson 10 receptions for 138 yards, 2 TDs vs. ATL

Worst of the Worst

1. QB Matt Barkley 11/20 for 129 yards, 3 INTs, 35.2 QBR vs. DAL in just the 4th quarter

2. QB Josh Freeman 20/53 for 190 yards, INT, 40.6 QBR vs. NYG

overthrew 16 attempts Monday, most by any QB since 2006

overthrown % is highest in the league, 23.8%

2nd QB in league history to throw for less than 200 yards on more than 50 attempts

3. Refs call penalty in OT of Pats-Jets game

Folk’s 56 yd missed field goal attempt nullified by an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on DT Chris Jones for pushing a teammate in the back in an attempt to block the kick. The refs  ruled that Jones was a second-level defender that pushed teammate Will Svitek from behind. The rule states “Team B players cannot push teammates on the line of scrimmage into the offensive formation.” Though Jones did appear to push Svitek, he was originally lined up on the line of scrimmage. The violation is said to occur only when the pushing player starts at the second level of the defense. It’s the first time the penalty has been called and it’s a rule change for 2013. 61% of Sports Nation said it was a bad call. I personally don’t know why they have a rule like that and I think it’s dumb, but that’s just me.

4. QB Brandon Weeden 17/42 for 149 yards, TD, INT, 48.6 QBR vs. GB

5. QB Tom Brady 22/46 for 228 yards, INT, 53.5 QBR vs. NYJ

Steelers Recap

Steelers beat the defending Super Bowl champions, the Baltimore Ravens, 19-16 this past Sunday. I took a huge leap of faith on the Steelers, picking them to win, and they didn’t let me down. Ben was 17/23 for 160 yards and a TD, no turnovers, and had only three sacks. While it may have only been 160 yards passing, the Steelers had 141 yards rushing, including rookie Le’veon Bell’s 19 carries for 93 yards. Lawrence Timmons had 17 tackles and Suisham was 4/4. While the redzone field goals were an issue, the Steelers were able to hold on for the win. It’s a huge improvement and definitely a step in the right direction. The Steelers face the Oakland Raiders on the road this week after losing to the Raiders at home last year. This is a must-win for Pittsburgh, even more so then the Ravens game, because if they lose to the Raiders, they lose all the momentum they just gained after beating the Ravens on their home turf. If they like they did this past Sunday, they should be able to win by 7+. They just can’t overlook the Raiders. They’re 2-0 since their bye, which I predicted, and I predicted them to beat Oakland before losing against New England. I’m going to stick with my guts. Let’s go ‘Burgh!

Game of the Week: Cowboys vs. Lions

The Lions once again get in my game of the week as they face a Cowboys team that leads the struggling NFC East. The Lions only lost by three points against Cincy and they played a great game. Meanwhile, the Cowboys struggled against the Eagles despite numerous takeaways, scratching by with a 17-3 win. While the Cowboys may bounce back, I’m taking the Lions. It’s Calvin Johnson vs. Dez Bryant in this air attack fiasco. It’s sure to be a good one.

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Movie Review: Escape Plan

[ ESCAPE PLAN POSTER ]I saw this during my birthday weekend because it’s Stallone and Schwarznegger, two of the best action heroes ever right? While Schwarznegger doesn’t entertain me as much as he entertains others (I was never a huge fan of the terminator series), he is still a good actor and Stallone is one of the best.

Ray Breslin (Sylvester Stallone) is a former prosecutor who specializes in breaking out of prisons and determining if they are inescapable or not. Then Stallone takes a big money deal to test a top-secret prison. One of the conditions is that no one is allowed to know where he is and while that would be a bad sign to some, Breslin just brushes it off like the “I can handle anything” persona that I’ve seen Stallone play a hundred times. He meets Rottmayer (Arnold Schwarznegger), a fellow inmate and the game of cat and mouse begins.

The plot looked interesting in the trailers which is one of the reasons that I went to go see it. There aren’t a lot of prison movies these days so I’ll get to see some new scenery. That’s what I was thinking anyway, and I did get to see some new scenery. The visuals were conveyed and illustrated well.

Stallone keeps the movie going with his character but Schwarznegger struggles with his side of the story. I don’t think it’s his fault though. His script was too finely tuned and narrowed so much that he doesn’t really have any character development. The only thing the audience really knows about him is that he wants to get out of the prison as much as Breslin does. The supporting cast is not relevant and any actor could have done the job. The action scenes are adequate but nothing over the top.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42Just Go With It)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Man of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House DownJobsThe Truman Show)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (ElysiumShaun of the DeadSharknadoThe Usual Suspects, 21 Jump Street)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (After EarthRoad to PerditionTotal RecallDodgeball: A True Underdog StoryAlong Came Polly)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch BlackAlien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark Fury)

My score for Escape Plan: 71.

The ending to this movie seems thrown together. The things that occur in the plot seem to move too quickly for being in a prison setting. There’s little treachery or deceit in this movie, things that I’m sure occur in prisons on a regular basis. Stallone keeps the roof from collapsing, but he’s on his knees doing so, and Schwarznegger’s flat on his face.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

Things are a little too convenient for Sylvester Stallone in this movie. For starters, he comes to the prison and makes a friend on the first day in Emil Rottmayer. No one thought that was a little bit suspicious? Rottmayer is also the most loyal friend I’ve ever seen. Breslin asks Rottmayer to do something, he does it. He asks him to do something again, he does it. He asks Rottmayer for a favor on at least three separate occasions and he never just says no? Convenient don’t you think?

The ending is horrible. Rottmayer ends up to be Rottmayer’s boss Victor Mannheim and it ended up there never was a Rottmayer. It also ends up that the CIA agent that hired Breslin to test the prison was Mannheim’s daughter and that it was all a ploy so she could get her dad out of prison. The guy that set Breslin up ends up to be his partner Lester Clark and despite the potential for a Stallone butt-whopping, we don’t get one. Instead, Breslin’s computer assistant chloroforms Clark and locks him in a shipping container. LAME!

 

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Movie Review: 21 Jump Street

I returned from broadcasting a soccer match and covering another for the newspaper the other day to find Jon watching 21 Jump Street. I never saw it in theaters and part of the reason for that is because I wasn’t impressed with the trailers. Also, these days I’m unlikely to pay to see a comedy. A lot of the comedies that come out these days appear stupid and plot-less, movies that just have a bunch of jokes thrown in amid incredibly weak story structures. However, I was exhausted by the time I got back and didn’t feel like doing anything else, so I figured what the heck, I’ll give it a shot.

Morton Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Greg Jenko (Channing Tatum) are former classmates who both enter the police academy and end up becoming friends and partners. They make an arrest while on park patrol and are assigned to go to a high school undercover to bust a suspected drug operation.

It’s a pretty basic plot as with most comedies that isn’t pushing the boundaries of storytelling. It’s basic, but unique, so I wasn’t too disappointed with that. As the movie goes on, the plot becomes more clichéd, and returns to the comedies-of-today stereotype.

The humor and comedy itself is funny when it comes up. It’s going to get some hard laughs out of you occasionally, and occasionally during short segments they come one after another, making for a good time. At other points, directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller enter sentimental grounds that don’t succeed in arousing the caring feeling from me that they were desiring. I want to but I just don’t. I honestly couldn’t even remember the character’s names without looking at a cast list. I’m sure that part of it is because they’re undercover for a large part of the movie and using fake names, but I do think that may have been part of the problem.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42Just Go With It)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Man of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House DownJobsThe Truman Show)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Jagged EdgeElysiumShaun of the DeadSharknado, The Usual Suspects)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (After EarthRoad to PerditionTotal RecallDodgeball: A True Underdog StoryAlong Came Polly)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch BlackAlien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark Fury)

My score for 21 Jump Street: 75.

The character development is there, but it’s nothing over the top or creative. The directors just followed the “how-to write a screenplay” playbook and they executed it step by step. The jokes are there and when they are, they’re funny, but the times when they aren’t is when the movie struggles because of the unoriginal plot and characters. Watching this movie did not make me regret not seeing it in theaters because if I could have done it over, I still wouldn’t have paid to see this.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION* 

Nothing to spoil here, aside from the fact that the movie’s ending is seen from many miles away. If it surprises you, you haven’t seen a lot of movies.

 

 

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Movie Review: The Usual Suspects

[ USUAL SUSPECTS POSTER ]Once again, an Alex-proposed movie. Thanks AGAIN, Alex.

The Usual Suspects stars Kevin Spacey as Roger ‘Verbal’ Kint (Kevin Spacey), who is trying to explain to FBI agent Dave Kujan (Chazz Palminteri) why there are 27 dead people on a pier.

The previous statement doesn’t sound like an exciting or adventurous movie, but it’s better than it sounds. Check out the trailer here.

The movie is slow to start, but if you’re willing to put your right hand in for an extended period of time, not only will you get it back, but there’ll be a cookie, too. The plot becomes an intriguing investigation that puts you in the cockpit seat just as much as it does the actors. You’re involved and entertained, but that’s only after a while of waiting for the engine to rev up. This movie would have been much better if it wouldn’t have taken so long for the movie to get moving. It felt like the writer was trying to write a book: you write a while and the material’s not very good, until you finally get the product you were looking for, hitting the metaphorical “nail on the head”. Then, as a writer, you go back to the beginning section that wasn’t any good and you edit it so that it syncs well with the final passage. Whoever wrote the screenplay for this did no such thing. It comes across as an unedited paper: it’s got a lot of promise and upside, but there’s quite a few problems with it, problems that could have easily been corrected or fixed had the writer just gone back and done some simple editing and revising instead of turning in a first draft as the final product. Of course, when Bryan Singer is directing, I should have expected as much.

Kevin Spacey delivers a great performance in this just as he does in most movies I’ve seen him in and so does Chazz Palminteri as agent Dave Kujan. Without these two, the movie suffers. The subplot that the writers try to create with Keaton and his lawyer/girlfriend doesn’t work, and the other three characters, Fenster, McManus, and Hockney, are there as “other people”, not people who add to a story like a supporting cast is supposed to do. While a supporting cast is supposed to support, this one preferred to sit around and wait until someone interacted with them before doing anything even remotely relevant and that’s pushing it. Kevin Spacey does an amazing job telling the character’s story, but it would have been a lot better if I had held a sincere care for who he was talking about rather than a “oh, well sucks to be that guy” attitude whenever something didn’t go their way.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42Just Go With It)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Man of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House DownJobsThe Truman Show)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The WolverineJagged EdgeElysiumShaun of the Dead, Sharknado)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (After EarthRoad to PerditionTotal RecallDodgeball: A True Underdog StoryAlong Came Polly)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch BlackAlien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark Fury)

My score for The Usual Suspects: 75.

The plot is simply too slow to start off with and had I been watching it on TV from the beginning and I wasn’t planning on writing a movie review on it, I can’t say for certain that I would have finished watching it. The third act is definitely the best part though, so try not to get discouraged by the slow pace.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

I didn’t believe I had ever seen this movie before but in the middle of the third act I realized I had seen this movie before because I remembered how this movie ended. The movie really ends with a boom. It’s a shame the rest of the movie couldn’t be that way.

 

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Tim Sports Report for 2013 NFL Week 6

Top 5

1. QB Cam Newton 20/26 for 242 yards, 3 TDs, 143.4 QBR, 9 carries for 30 yards, TD vs. MIN

2. RB Brandon Jacobs 22 carries for 106 yards, 2 TDs vs. CHI

3. RB Stevan Ridley 20 carries for 96 yards, 2 TDs vs. NO

4. TE Vernon Davis 8 receptions for 180 yards, 2 TDs vs. ARI

5. QB Nick Foles 22/31 for 296 yards, 3 TDs, 133.3 QBR vs. TB

Worst of the Worst

1. QB Eli Manning threw 3 INTs last Thursday to get the Giants to 0-6. Up to this point in the season, Manning has a 53.7 completion percentage, 15 INTs, and a 64.0 QBR, all worst among qualified players.

2. Texans lose to Rams 38-13, extend 4-game losing streak. Six turnovers including Yates’ pick-six, making five consecutive games a Texans QB has thrown one. 1/4 in the red zone. Schaub knocked out of the game, fans cheer.

3. QB Terrelle Pryor 18/34 for 216 yards, TD, 3 INTs, 10 sacks, 45.7 QBR vs. KC

4. QB Andrew Luck 18/30 for 202 yards, INT, 66.3 QBR vs. SD

5. QB Alex Smith 14/31 for 128 yards, 56.9 QBR vs. OAK

Steelers Recap

The Steelers finally got their first win of the season against the New York Jets this past Sunday, winning 19-6. Ben Roethlisberger had a good game and while the rushing game struggled, they were facing the second-best defense against the rush. However, I want to see the Steelers run the ball more. They need to make opposing defenses respect the run so that they can’t drop seven back into coverage on every third down. The Steelers finally got some takeaways, which put the game out of reach. They need to get some more this Sunday against Baltimore at home if they want to pull out a win. The Ravens are the clear favorite to win here, but I’m going to take a huge leap of faith and pick the Steelers. Last year, the Steelers were clearly out-matched and yet somehow backup QB Charlie Batch led Pittsburgh to a victory. I believe it can happen again. Regardless of the outcome, I expect it to be a close one.

Game of the Week: Bengals vs. Lions

While most people will be dying to watch the Broncos-Colts match, I’ll be focusing on the Bengals-Lions. The Colts and Broncos should put on a good show but the Bengals lead the AFC North and the Lions the NFC North, so it has implications. Andy Dalton had arguably his best game of the year last week and no one wants to mess with Matt Stafford no matter what season it is. BenJarvus Green-Ellis vs. Reggie Bush. A.J. Green vs. Calvin Johnson. It should prove to be a great match-up. The Bengals have the stronger defense though and I’m not willing to gamble on the Lions secondary so I’ll take Cincy.

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Movie Review: Sharknado

It was nearly midnight on a Saturday night by the time Jon and I finished Alien. After that crappy movie, I was ready to hit the hay, but our mutual friend Alex insisted that we had to watch Sharknado. Everyone I know says it’s like the worst movie ever so I really didn’t want to watch it, but Alex insisted and so did Jon so we gave it a go. Another bonus roommate edition!

Tim: The actors act like they just came out of high school. They’re putrid.

Jon: I’m pretty sure my high school acts better.

Tim: Once again, don’t know any of the characters’ names except for George because they say his name like fifteen times.

Jon: I knew Nova.

Tim: Based off the picture assigned to the cast list I’m looking at, I know who you’re talking about. I referred to her as third-rate Snookie.

Jon: We had third-rate Snookie, Australian Jesus…

Tim: You mean second rate-Jason Statham?

Jon: Haha, yeah, same guy.

Tim: The visuals in this movie are really, really bad. It’s like effects from the 1940’s or something. The special effects team for this movie should be ashamed of themselves.

Jon: The waves in my bathtub look more menacing than those waves.

Tim: Similar to Alien, a large amount of plot holes.

Jon: But yet this one wrapped up nicer.

Tim: Yes, it did. The acting is horrible, the plot was probably created by a third-grader, and the special effects probably could have been done by a third-grader, so I’m going to go out on a limb and say this movie was probably directed by a third-grader.

Jon: I was waiting for them to add zombie sharks.

Tim: Yep, horrible all around, except for one thing. This movie…is freaking hilarious! This movie is so bad, but so incredibly comedic that you can’t help but love it. Easily some of the hardest laughing I’ve had from a movie in the past year and overall.

Jon: It’s so bad, but I hurt myself laughing.

Tim: You just can’t take it seriously and it could be called the worst movie ever by some, but we just couldn’t look away because we were too busy dying of laughter.

Jon: This is also the most convenient movie in history. Liquor store that sells food (banana?), used movie car lot right across the road, random “surplus” store right next to the airport that has ONE functioning helicopter and a really crappy tin roof.

Tim: Let’s not forget the car they got from the used movie car lot that had nitrous in it, and that they were driving at 180 miles an hour but the driver was still turning the steering wheel at least 90 degrees on a regular basis. And that’s only some of the hilarity I get out of this. The corny dialogue, the unneeded carnage, the super-cliched character interactions…

Jon: That’s about right. Let’s not forget…

Tim: Hang on, Jon, it’s not spoilers yet.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42Just Go With It)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Man of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House DownJobsThe Truman Show)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (OblivionThe WolverineJagged EdgeElysiumShaun of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (After EarthRoad to PerditionTotal RecallDodgeball: A True Underdog StoryAlong Came Polly)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch Black, Alien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark Fury)

My score for Sharknado: 70.

The plot is an E, the characters and development are an E, and so are the visuals, but the entertainment is an A+. I’d love to score this movie higher because it’s so funny, but I have to grade on all the elements, not just the entertainment factor.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

Tim: Easily the funniest part of this movie is when a shark comes flying at the main character. Apparently his name is Fin, but I wouldn’t know that. Anyway a shark comes flying at him and engulfs him while he is holding a chainsaw. He then cuts his way out and then leans back in to pull out third-rate Snooki, who was gobbled in the middle of the air by one of the hundred sharks and somehow Fin picks the same one. The fact that he had the chainsaw on when it enveloped him would make one believe he would have chopped third-rate Snooki to bits, but apparently the laws of physics do not apply to him in this movie.

Jon: See how convenient this is! A lot of physics don’t apply when you’re in a shark. My best part of the movie is when he’s standing by himself, a shark comes at him, and he turns on a chainsaw and cuts it in half vertically while it’s in the middle of the air.

Tim: That would probably be my second placer.

Jon: My two sad parts are when George dies and the daughter doesn’t die.

Sidenote: At least the daughter doesn’t find love like everyone else. Like third-rate Snooki: she’s in love with her boss the whole movie until she meets his son and is like, “Oh, I’ll just tell him all my problems and love him instead.” Probably because he can fly a helicopter and I can’t. And then the dad falls in love with his ex again. “Oh, shark ate your boyfriend? I’ll be your rebound guy.”

And the daughter picks the worst time to have daddy issues. There are sharks all over the place and all she can do is complain about how they want to save her brother. Daddy’s solution: Remember sweetie, I came for you first.

Tim: Yes, yes, and yes. All good points. This movie is super-cliched and it should be written in big, red ink on the cover.

Jon: I’m not trying to knock how funny the movie is, I’m just trying to point out all the massive issues. The characters thought this movie was so bad that they were putting clothes back on. At least in Alien we got two strip teases.

Tim: What was the second one?

Jon: When the guy wakes up from cryo sleep and is 95% naked. Guy eye candy and girl eye candy.

Tim: Equal rights bud! But seriously, I had no want for a Sigourney Weaver striptease. It was repulsive.

Jon: It was pretty bad. Back on topic now.

Tim: Oh yes, Sharknado. One of the worst movies movie-wise, but one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen. I would strongly suggest you watch it. That way you can be prepared for the sequel SyFy is making: Avalanche Sharks. I’m sure it will be just as atrocious and just as hilarious.

Jon: Moral of the story: don’t try to dodge the Hollywood sign like a ninja. You will still die.

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Movie Review: Alien

I loved both of the Alien vs. Predator movies and I loved the Predator movies. I’ve never seen the alien series before and I thought I might as well.

Well, my roommate, Jon, and I watched Alien yesterday and we both have some things we’d like to say about it. I present to you a bonus roommate edition!

Tim: This movie is incredibly slow to start off with. First, they show a bunch of slow shots of the ship as if we’re watching behind-the-scenes footage or something. It’s very unnecessary. They have robotic helmets say a beacon signal is detected and the crew is awakened from cryogenic sleep. Then they engage in pointless dialogue in which I don’t understand half of what is being said. Then they go to the planet where this beacon signal is coming from and three of the crew members get off the ship to go find this signal and find an alien ship. Instead of getting the rest of the crew to come out and help them collect all this stuff, they keep going until, like scientists always do, they stumble upon something they shouldn’t and stuff gets real.

I don’t know any of the characters names until the movie is at its halfway point and I only get to know half of them at that point.

Jon: Half of them are already dead by the time we learn their names.

Tim: The acting is more than sub-par, it’s downright disgraceful. Whether a result of the tragedy that is the screenwriting or the actors themselves, it’s bad.

Jon: Not going to lie, during the first half hour of this movie when they’re busy with landing the ship, etc, etc, I was starting to doze off.

Tim: I don’t care about any characters nor do I feel like I should. It’s a stereotypical horror movie where we want everyone to die.

Jon: Pretty much summed it up right there.

Tim: The plot is disastrous and has enough plot holes to make swiss cheese and a dozen donuts.

Jon: It has a bigger hole than my doughnut. (Yes, I’m actually holding a doughnut)

Tim: There are unnecessary strobes that were supposed to add to the suspense of the movie that ended up just being annoying and hard on the eyes.

Jon: Did anyone have a seizure? If so, you could get your money back.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42, Just Go With It)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Man of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House DownJobsThe Truman Show)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (OblivionThe WolverineJagged EdgeElysiumShaun of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (After EarthRoad to PerditionTotal RecallDodgeball: A True Underdog StoryAlong Came Polly)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch Black)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark Fury)

My score for Alien: 49.

This movie was an egregious disappointment (that means bad, I didn’t know that until Jon told me. Having trouble pronouncing it actually) and to have to associate it with AVP or the Predator movies is a gross injustice. It was almost mediocre enough to get a 50 but Jon and I both agree it’s just too bad.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

Jon: The alien was supposedly a really big deal but you never even see its face aside from a few instances. I knew more about what the alien looked like from the alien vs. predator movies, parodies making fun of alien, etc.

Tim: Agreed. If it wasn’t for my previous knowledge of the alien creature, I wouldn’t have been pleased with what I saw.

Jon: Not going to lie, for a movie that started off really slowly, I would forgive all of it if I just knew why Ripley WANTED TO STOP THE SELF-DESTRUCT! Everything else I would have forgiven! Just tell me why you wanted to stop the self-destruct!

Tim: Yeah, I’m not so forgiving. This movie’s first half hour could have been eliminated and the filmmakers could have been decent enough to not waste an additional half hour of my life. Wasting a whole 117 minutes of my life is unacceptable and is close to worthy of a death sentence in my book (just kidding 🙂

The technology in this movie is so out of date and not capable of space travel. The giant ship they are traveling in has zero aerodynamics and moves slower than some of the ships in Spaceballs, and those ships were meant to move slow for comedic effect. It takes all of ten minutes for the ship to land and it descends at an amazing inch per minute, which makes for some extreme action scenes that you just don’t want to miss! WARNING: DEADLY AMOUNTS OF SARCASM INCLUDED.

Even though the technology is ridiculously out of date, Ash ends up to be a robot, something that both of us agree came out of nowhere. It seemed pulled out of a hat. How can they have robots in this time and age that are so realistic but their technology is worse than stuff used during the 1960’s?

Jon: Oh, and I was very happy they saved the cat.

Tim: I’m pretty sure we can both agree that not only is Jones the cat the best actor in this movie, he should be nominated for Best Supporting Actor.

Jon: Jones the cat is also the smartest creature on that ship.

Tim: I still have no idea why the cat was so important. Ripley is running around the ship trying to survive with a flamethrower in one hand and a cat cage in the other.

Jon: Because the cat was cute, that’s why it was so important.

Tim: Man, Jon, I wish I was as smart as you. I should have figured that out. I guess that’s why I’m attending college, so I can figure stuff like this out.

Jon: Your sarcasm is noted. The alien turns into an eight-foot tall creature after being a midget-sized creature without ever explaining how it matured so fast.

Tim: Yep, never knew why that happened. I think that’s just one of those just-go-with-it elements. Why was this ship in the middle of nowhere again?

Jon: They were delivering some weed or something. Stones, that’s what it was.

Tim: Stones. Sounds like some stuff worth spending years of your life transporting.

Jon: It was a simpler movie from a simpler time that no one cared, as long as they were entertained.

Tim: Must have been some stupid people back then, but I have to admit that it’s hard for me to comprehend that there might have been more stupid people on the planet back then then there are now.

Unfortunately for the filmmakers, we cared.

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