Movie Review: The Coed and the Zombie Stoner

Zombies have remained at the forefront of pop culture for a very long time. There is a fascination among today’s youth with the future, especially in a post-apocalyptic sense, and that has no doubt contributed to the popularity of the relics of old, such as Mad Max and George Romero’s creations and the dissolute, dehumanizing themes we continue to see instilled in television and film.

Let it be known that zombies allow for such wide parameters of creativity that I believed there was no way to make a bad movie with zombies. I Am Legend, despite its crumbling third act, wasn’t that bad. No film comes to mind featuring zombies that upends my stomach in a bad way.

Like with everything else, beautiful things can’t be left alone and eventually someone has to tarnish it. This is why we can’t have nice things.

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner is that someone and man, does it soil it. (soil it, soil it)

It’s been more than two weeks since I’ve seen it and yet I still remember it so vividly.

This film, in essence, is nails-on-a-chalkboard horrid. It is hair on fire, shattered bones, squandered dreams, expired dairy products, rusted metal, spoiled fruit, moldy bread, cancer tissue, shredded sponges, skinned cats, liquids under the dumpster, clogged toilets, blown tires, New York City traffic, pollution fumes, oil breaks and everything else that sucks wrapped into one. It has no cares or feelings.

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner is so bad I started banging the back of my head off the floor, trying desperately to detach my cerebellum from the rest of my brain so I wouldn’t recollect any of the clear crimes against humanity that occur during this seemingly endless track of roadkill and vomit. This Asylum production is a roller coaster that was purposely made so that all of its riders would throw up on each other. Your brain will slam on the opposing sides of your cranium the whole time, losing brain cells whilst feeling you have developed a concussion from lack of thinking. This movie is so dumb you’ll want to close line yourself.

Watching this and The Forbidden Dimensions on back-to-back Bad Movie Wednesdays makes me want to rip out my brain and start counting the cells I still have left. It’s insanely difficult to formulate my feelings into words and the only explanation I can come to is the amount of dumb I have let be consumed by my senses during these two movies. You can only be exposed to so much dumb before you start to feel dumb yourself and do I ever right now.

There comes a point in a person’s life when they have to sit down and decide what they’re willing to put up with and what they’re not. I’m going to be brutally honest. If you find this movie tolerable, you need to check yourself. Your life is going in the wrong direction and as your friend, I strongly advise you do something about it.

You have no idea how much I don’t want to talk about this film right now, but I feel obligated, at least to a minor extent, to elaborate on why The Coed and the Zombie Stoner makes me feel like an ostrich. I just want to stop what I’m doing and stick my head in the sand. I feel stupid in every way, but I honestly don’t see any way out. My arms feel stupid, my legs feel stupid, my chest feels stupid and I don’t even know how a body part can feel stupid but if there was a way for that to happen, this would be it. I feel limp, like my body was broken over night and I have no initiative to do anything and why should I? When you watch a visual display like this, you feel empty and no amount of food or drink can end that craving. You just need to bury yourself in sheets and surround yourself with smart things and smart people. You need to read, listen to music, watch something on YouTube that makes you laugh, anything that makes you feel smart and livens you up, because when you watch a movie like The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, it takes all the wind out of your sails and you’re dead in the water. You ain’t going nowhere and you can’t do anything but lounge and try to breathe. You feel like you just inhaled toxic fumes and you feel a heaviness in your chest. You’re breathing fine, but you just feel heavy and out of shape. It’s like your blood flow is in slow motion or something throughout your body and you just have no energy or want to do anything but lay down, try to gather what’s left and put the pieces back together. You feel depleted and in so much anguish that you just want to cry, cry for the inherent loss in partaking in such an experience. It may sound trivial to you, but some of these things that I watch, if you were to experience them, you would feel the same way.

To be less real and more to the point, The Coed and the Zombie Stoner makes detergent look like a tasty beverage. It makes a 2-by-4 with nails start to look like a good pillow and for some reason, experimenting with flying doesn’t seem like a bad idea either and neither does walking through a gun range. This movie makes you crave danger in a very unhealthy way, whatever it takes to get away from this trauma.

The plot is incredibly stupid and not worth reiterating, the actors are the worst of them all, igniting a wrath inside of me that not only endured but continued to grow till the end, and the dialogue is an incessant cursing tirade from a raging teenager on Xbox who is so furious and unraveled that he’s unable to form coherent phrases.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Avengers: Age of UltronThe AvengersThe BabadookInterstellarChappie)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable GuyThe Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Black Mass,Enemy at the GatesAnchorman 2: The Legend ContinuesLeon: The ProfessionalEnemy)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Terminator: GenisysBlack SheepTwistedParkerHouse at the End of the Street)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (EverestHerculesThe SentinelMad Max: Fury RoadBlitz)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (The Lost BoysZombeaversCrankErasedI, Frankenstein)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (CenturionPlanet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The VisitThe Fantastic FourThe Boy Next DoorThe ColonyIn the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Forbidden DimensionsCyborgOutcastSabotageGallowwalkers)

My score for The Coed and the Zombie Stoner: 13.

I can’t express the sense of euphoria I have knowing that I never have to write another syllable about this film nor watch another second of it ever again. Let’s just say we hope to pick more appetizing films for the next couple Bad Movie Wednesdays.

As one of my friends put it, that is the horrible beauty of art. It can be so pristine sometimes and so horrid others.

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