Movie Review: Dark Fury

I bought the Chronicles of Riddick trilogy for $5 the other day, not because the Riddick trilogy is worth buying but because I never saw the first two and thought that I should probably watch those before I go to see the new Riddick movie coming out next week. When I looked at the back, I noticed that the second movie had a running time of only 35 minutes, but I figured that it was a mistake because no one makes movies that are 35 minutes long, right? That would be considered a short film, not a movie, and surely they must have made a better second movie after the crapload that was Pitch Black, right?

I put in the disc, and keep in mind that my roommate and I started watching this right after Pitch Black. Since the back cover said 35 minutes, we agreed if it ended up being longer than that, we would simply finish it tomorrow. Putting the Dark Fury disc into my DVD player was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made.

It was anime, people. FREAKING ANIME!!! Are you kidding me? You can’t start off a trilogy with a movie that features real people and then suddenly switch to anime! Was this movie so cheap that they couldn’t even put real actors in this? What is going on?  I can’t even comment about the acting in this movie because there is none!

They never let you know that the story is meant to come right after Pitch Black, until of course you look the plot up on Wikipedia after you finish watching the movie! You would think the director would have made the dialogue give hints to the audience or something but the way the characters talk, it sounds like this is a couple years later.

There’s no character connection because it’s anime, and the dialogue is just as corny as any anime show out there.  The action scenes are dumb, the conclusion stinks and I’m bored out of my mind the whole time.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Now You See MeMan of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House DownJobs)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (OblivionThe WolverineJagged EdgeElysium)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The HobbitAfter EarthRoad to PerditionTotal RecallDodgeball: A True Underdog Story)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great Gatsby, Pitch Black)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy)

My score for Dark Fury: 13.

Somehow, this is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but this movie reeks of pitiful desperation. I would stare at a wall for two hours if it meant I didn’t have to look at this dung heap. This movie also deserves a special label: WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE AND ANIME!!!

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

This movie shouldn’t even be called a movie. For a film production to be considered a movie, it has to be at least an hour long in my mind, although in this case I’m happy it wasn’t because I don’t know how much longer I could have watched that visual diarrhea before I started throwing up my organs one by one. There’s a bunch of plot holes, too. For example, the leader of the ship has somehow captured a bunch of the world’s greatest killers but can’t capture Riddick. He has like four-inch blades and there are like 20 people in the hangar with guns and no one can shoot him? Really? Later on in the movie, a robot-monster mutant is tracking Riddick’s scent so rather than make a small cut to let out a little blood, like maybe a prick on the ear or the shin, he cuts his wrist, but only bleeds out a little of course. As my roommate said, “Riddick hates his movies so much that he cuts his own wrists.” I can’t lie. If I was Riddick, I think I would, too.

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