When I wrote my A Haunted House review, I said I was excited to see the sequel since the trailer looked so good. I must have watched it at least five times and I was still howling. When my brother and I went to see it, he forgot his ID so they wouldn’t let him in and I wasn’t going to be a sleazebag and see it without him, so that was the end of that adventure. Perhaps I should have taken it as a sign, a coincidence that was saying, “Tim, don’t see this movie.”
The other day I had a chance to make due on my promise. I shouldn’t have.
Folks, this was not a good movie. This was not an okay movie. This isn’t even worthy of being called a bad movie. This is a suckage level movie. Everything in the first one was sexual. Here we get some variety but with the same inadequacies. More sex jokes, which still aren’t funny. Racism, which is done so poorly that it’s obvious this is either first draft material or the people behind the pen didn’t finish the first grade. There were more cameras around the house because hiring a cameraman is too big an inconvenience for this crew.
Marlon Wayans somehow got more uneducated since the last time I saw him. Don’t know how that’s possible, but whatever. Does he have a mental condition like ADHD or something? He acts like a over-caffeinated teenager or something except less intelligent. There is a scene only 12 minutes in, where he has suggestive intercourse with a baby doll. What is funny about that? Do you think pedophiles are funny, Mr. Wayans? That’s not offensive humor, that’s just screwed up.
Everything that happens in this film is an ill attempt to get us to laugh at senseless garbage, stuff that is so mind-numbing and so ludicrous that not even someone high on cocaine or drunk to the high heavens could get enjoyment out of this. It’s just stupid. Not even the parts in the trailer are funny when you see them put into context.
Gabriel Iglesias signed on to play a part in this. Didn’t he read the script? He knows how to get people to laugh. Couldn’t he tell that not only was this not going to cut it, it was going to fricking suck?
Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.
80-89 It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, Spider-Man 3)
50-59 This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Starving Games, You’re Next, Thor, Full Metal Jacket, Alien Resurrection)
40-49 This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens, Serendipity)
30-39 Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice, The Contract)
0-19 Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Open Grave, Alien 3, Dark Fury, Midnight Cowboy)
My score for A Haunted House 2: 18.
Somehow not the worst film of 2014 (that distinction belongs to Open Grave), A Haunted House 2 is still one of the worst sequels I’ve ever seen as well as one of the most tasteless “comedies” I’ve ever seen. The sad thing is that Marlon Wayans somehow has a net worth of 15 million dollars for making disheveled sewage like this.