Movie Review: Suicide Squad

DC couldn’t help themselves.

The same way they made Batman v Superman mimic The Avengers, they had to turn Suicide Squad into a game of Pictionary.

Suicide Squad is DC’s version of Guardians of the Galaxy. The character parallels are visible but the actual characters less interesting, the story yet another doppelgänger of something Marvel has already done and to a better degree, and the synopsis as depressing as I’m making it seem.

Not horrid but certainly not good, Suicide Squad is yet another mirage in the deserted streets of DC Comics that presents false hope yet again to the fans who have been waiting since the early 90’s for something that can universally be called good theater. DC had little to no role in Nolan’s Batman trilogy, I’m not sure I would call V for Vendetta a superhero film and while I would make an argument for Man of Steel, there are plenty who wouldn’t.

Since we’re on the topic, let’s take a look at what DC has churned out since 2004: Catwoman, Constantine, V for Vendetta, Superman Returns, Watchmen, Jonah Hex, Green Lantern, Man of Steel, Batman v Superman and this. That’s a shoddy list, folks.

That’s more than a decade’s worth of missing the target. At first, it was laughable. Catwoman and Constantine back to back? Superman Returns, Watchmen, Jonah Hex and Green Lantern in a cage match of incompetence? Now, it’s just sad.

DC has become a vacuum for disappointment and a magnet for mockery. It’s become a charade of itself, a mime of Marvel that all the practice in the world can’t make convincing. DC used to be dark, one of the reasons Nolan’s Batman saga received so much praise and why I think Man of Steel is the closest DC has gotten to being themselves. Like an adolescent girl, DC is preoccupied with being someone she’s not, unsatisfied with the talent she possesses and jealous of what the other girl has. This attitude isn’t the end of the world if we’re talking about a prepubescent teen. It is a problem when we’re talking about a multi-billion dollar company.

Suicide Squad is sad because it makes me acquiesce DC may never be what it was again. It may be and looks likely that it will never return. The dreams film journeymen and DC fanboys have had will never come true. All hope seems to be lost. DC seems preordained to fail us. We’re actively frustrated now but it won’t be long until that agitation breeds lackadaisical indifference and further down the road, complete neglect.

Suicide Squad‘s first half is a never-ending music montage flavored with a roulette of character expositions. Every three minutes, we’re moving on to the next stage and putting the next guy on a pedestal, giving us a brief backstory synopsis before the timer reaches three and it’s time to move on to the next contestant. It reminds me of a first-time driver who continuously pumps the brakes when there’s no reason to, the instructor heaving back and forth from the momentum shift. That is what the first half of this movie is like, disrupting any natural flow that could have been manifested.

I was looking forward to this and I was hoping for the best but there is an active depression taking hold of me right now as I write this. DC has become obsessed with taking a razor to the fine points of their products and an ax to any tree that bears fruit. The only respite offered is we never got to see what could have been and watch them drain the life out of it, though sometimes our imagination can be much more crippling than our eyes.

Suicide Squad should have been a chimerical bacchanal, a chaos-torn environment with unchecked villains to invest some of their own chaos. Instead, we get something far too well-coordinated and formulaic as we watch villainy transform into heroism. Our characters lack interest for this very reason. Will Smith’s Deadshot is never shown as a pure serial killer nor El Diablo painted as a mobster with anger management issues. Killer Croc is a vestibule for one-liners more than a character and Jai Courtney has gone completely off the deep end with his role as Captain Boomerang (what a stupid name). Jared Leto’s Joker is disappointing and a sideshow, words no one should ever have to communicate regarding the Joker. The Joker is not meant to be a sideshow character, ever but you can bet your salary DC managed to pull that off, too. Rather than the Joker, we get a gangster who seems unhinged rather than a true psychopath.

Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn is the true highlight, accompanied by Smith’s Deadshot and Viola Davis’ Amanda Waller. Robbie’s performance is a breathing fantasy, a temptress who uses her appearance to her advantage. It’s one of the few things from this movie I will miss. Smith’s Deadshot turns into a buddy cop and while it makes no sense with the character we’re gifted, Smith is likeable enough to keep his character on the radar. He’s also slipped some of the film’s best one-liners.

None of this comes comparatively close to delivering what we should have had: an unbridled fun house. Instead, we get a film far too neat and orderly, the opposite of what we are led to believe these characters are.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Captain America: Civil War, Deadpool, Avengers: Age of Ultron, The Avengers, The Babadook)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Olympus Has Fallen, The Cable Guy, The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Ghostbusters (2016), Batman, Free State of Jones, The Running Man, 10 Cloverfield Lane)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Batman Forever, The Crow, Hardcore Henry, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Underworld, The Do-Over, X-Men: Apocalypse, D-Tox/Eye See You, Constantine)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Underworld: Evolution, Batman & Robin, Bloodsport, War, The Ridiculous 6)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Independence Day: Resurgence, The Crow: City of Angels, Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (Avalanche Sharks, Catwoman, The Gunman, The Visit, The Fantastic Four)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, The Forbidden Dimensions, Cyborg, Outcast, Sabotage)

My score for Suicide Squad: 66.

The trailer promised so much and the film delivered so little. As expected, 2016 has been yet another year where Marvel has taken a collective dump on DC and remember Marvel still has Doctor Strange coming in November to increase the size of that dump. The DCEU is in real trouble and no, I’m not looking forward to Justice League.

Year One of WordsofWisTIM

On May 13, 2013, I started WordsofWisTIM to further my journalistic talent and to share my knowledge, wisTIM and opinions with others. 2,845 views, 69 followers, 149 posts and 1,267 tags later, WordsofWisTIM lives on and continues to prosper, thrive and grow in so many ways just as I feel I’ve grown in this last year. I read through my posts, all 149 of them, when I was making my Tim’s Favs page and I could really see the difference between how I was writing then and how I’m writing now. It’s been a blast and I’m happy that I gave it a go.

Most Views

In a day: 64, May 5, 2014

In a week: 203, week of May 5, 2014

In a month: 434, April 2014

Then again, WordsofWisTIM wouldn’t mean anything if it weren’t for my readers

Because a writer’s thoughts, words and aspirations are quite meager

If no one’s taking them in on the other side.

My words are like a tide.

There are a lot of waves out there. I know, I’ve been.

I have to hope the extra punch, extra heart and extra feeling that I put in

Knocks the air outta your lungs, makes an impact

Makes a difference and paints an abstract

Because that’s what I want to be.

I want to be “something that concentrates itself in the essential qualities

Of anything more extensive or more general, or of several things.”

I need to hope my writings ring.

I have a goal in mind.

It’s a goal that I did find.

“Existing in thought or as an idea but not having a physical or concrete existence.”

That doesn’t mean I’m looking for magnificence.

It means that when my time here is done

I want to be able to say that I did more than have fun.

I want to be able to say I made my mark

That I had a profound, significant and stark

Effect on somebody

And not nobody

That my presence here

Meant something dear

And that I won’t fade

Like a masquerade.

I want my words to be sublime

Make you think, this guy’s worth my time

That I’m able to elevate myself above the rest

Not to say I’m better or that I’m the best

But to say I’m worth listening to, worth reading, worth understanding and worth knowing.

I’m young and still growing

But I know what I want.

Many are still on the hunt.

Some want fame or riches. Mine is to be missed.

My want is purpose.

It’s simple and complex

Because purpose perplexes.

It’s both solid and flexible

And yet at times it feels unattainable

But if you keep trying

Keep striving

Keep walking

Keep talking

Keep feeling

And keep believing

I think you’re bound to find it some day.

You can’t just take your insecurities and doubts and throw them away.

It’s a game of hide-and-seek and you’re on the seek.

Don’t let the frustration and seemingly hopeless situation get your hopes bleak.

Just keep looking for what you want most

Because just when you’re about to give up the most

You’ll fall upon it after all your miserable strife

And that will be the happiest and most reassuring moment of your life.

In conclusion, thanks for sticking with me and reading. It matters.

So far, I’ve written 93 movie reviews. Below are the movies strong enough to climb to the top ten and the garbage that splattered onto the worst of the worst list up to this point.

Here’s to another great year!

The Top Ten

1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King: 98

2. Miracle: 97

3. Spider-Man 2: 96

4. The Green Mile: 96

5. Prisoners: 96

6. 42: 96

7. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: 95

8. Mission Impossible III: 95

9. Spider-Man: 95

10. Iron Man 3: 95

The Worst of the Worst

10. A Haunted House: 40

9. The Contract: 37

8. Redemption: 35

7. Pride and Prejudice: 34

6. Thor: The Dark World: 29

5. The Sum of All Fears: 22

4. Midnight Cowboy: 15

3. Dark Fury: 13

2. Open Grave: 10

1. Alien 3: 5

Movie Review: Jagged Edge

This 1985 film stars Glenn Close and a young Jeff Bridges in a murder mystery. Check out the trailer here.

Jack Forrester’s (Jeff Bridges) wife and maid are killed in a grotesque murder and the district attorney points his finger at Forrester. Even though Glenn Close hasn’t practiced criminal law in four years, she agrees to try the case because of past guilt.

Obviously, twists and turns occur to try to keep you guessing and the filmmakers succeed at doing so part of the time. I’ve watched a lot of movies and TV shows that play out like this with better acting and therefore a better overall product. Jeff Bridges did a decent job as did Glenn Close, I’m just saying that I’ve seen better.

However, this movie kept me interested despite it being predictable at points. I’m not sure what it was, but I never got bored with this and I was entertained throughout. Glenn Close did a compelling enough job that I cared about her character to a point, even though I questioned her decisions sometimes. The supporting cast was nothing special but did what was required of them, which was keeping the story moving.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z, 42)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Star Trek Into Darkness, Now You See Me, Man of Steel, Monster-In-Law, White House Down)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion, The Wolverine)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit, After Earth, Road to Perdition)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy)

My score for Jagged Edge: 75.

As I said earlier, I don’t know what it was about this movie, but I never got bored with it. Because of that, I have to put this in the 70’s. Maybe I’m slightly overselling it, but I’m willing to take that risk.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

My only complaint is that I never had significant doubt that Jeff Bridges character didn’t do it. His portrayal just wasn’t convincing me that he was innocent. There were also a lot of subtle hints throughout the movie. The doctor said that he was manipulative. Every time Glenn Close said she didn’t want to do something, he’d say yes you do or yes you can. I think they got a little too anxious to “open the box” with this one. However, it was still entertaining, so I’d say it’s worth checking out.

Movie Review: 42

I never got a chance to see this movie in theaters but I really wanted to go see it. I finally got the chance to do so the other day and it was definitely worth the wait.

First, I’d like to start off by saying that I’m not a baseball fan. There are players and teams that I’ll root for but very rarely do I watch a game. Growing up in Pittsburgh and watching the Pirates lose again and again turned me off to the sport. It also is a rather slow-moving sport where there’s little scoring most of the time. I don’t get the same adrenaline rush from it that I get from football and hockey.

That being said, I wasn’t worried about this movie. My family loved it and my brother went so far as to say it is probably in his top five. I wasn’t sure what to expect with this movie though because like I said, I’m not a baseball fan, so I don’t know a whole lot about the Jackie Robinson story. I know that he was the first African-American to enter the big leagues and that he endured plenty of racist slurs and unfairness during his career, but he truly was a national hero for what he did, which is why on April 15, every major leaguer wears the number 42, to celebrate what he did for the sport of baseball. I don’t know much more than that.

This movie made me gain a whole new appreciation and respect for Jackie Robinson. While this movie is definitely more of a drama than a baseball movie, that didn’t bother me. This movie relied on the telling of the story and how well the actors could portray their characters. Jackie Robinson is played by Chadwick Boseman. Your reaction is probably the same as mine: Who? Prior to 42, Boseman guest starred on various TV shows, but was never a regular. He did nine episodes on the show Lincoln Heights and thirteen episodes on Persons Unknown. Aside from those two shows, he has never done more than one episode for any one show. As for experience on the big screen, Boseman only has been in four movies and I haven’t heard of any of them (Date, Ladylike, The Express, and The Kill Hole).

Despite having limited experience, Boseman delivers an outstanding performance in this, one that is very believable and so convincing that I looked at him as Jackie Robinson the whole film. Sometimes I’ll look at a character and while they are convincing, I’ll still have a voice in the back of my head reminding me who the actor is. This was not the case here. Boseman depicts Robinson in such a clear light that it was impossible for me to doubt him. His portrayal is almost hypnotizing it’s so good. Character connection is very strong and I have a genuine care for Robinson here. It’s truly some of the best acting I’ve ever seen. In my opinion, an amazing performance that should definitely win a Best Actor award.

Harrison Ford also does a  fantastic job as Branch Rickey, the club president and general manager of the Brooklyn Dodgers. Despite not having a large amount of screen time, I still had a great admiration for Rickey, not just for what he did, but for how he handled it. I have to admit I almost teared up at one point. Harrison Ford is one of the greatest actors of all-time and he shows he deserves that recognition here. In my opinion, a performance that should get at least a nomination for Best Actor in a Supporting Role if not a win.

This movie was directed by Brian Helgeland. My reaction was the same as for Boseman: Who? After looking him up on IMDb, I found out that Helgeland has directed only 3 movies (Payback, A Knight’s Tale, and The Order), with the most recent in 2006. After reading this, my reaction was “WHAT?!” Helgeland has been an avid writer for the screen though. He’s written for 22 movies, including Man on Fire, The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, and Robin Hood. Despite his limited experience in directing, he does a great job getting the performances out of the actors that he wanted. A Best Director nomination perhaps?

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Star Trek Into Darkness, Now You See Me, Man of Steel, Monster-In-Law, White House Down)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit, After Earth, Road to Perdition)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow.

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy)

My score for 42: 96.

There aren’t really any other elements in this movie but you can’t complain because the drama and characters are so well-done. As I said, I expect a couple of awards with this movie. When you look at the cast and director, it looks like a bunch of nobodies getting together to make a movie (except for Harrison Ford of course), but at the end of the day they prove to be an underdog phenomenon. All of the supporting cast did a great job. Definitely a must-buy and a must-see.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

There’s nothing to spoil in this movie or anything that I didn’t like about it. This more than reached my expectations and I’m very happy I watched it.

Movie Review: Pacific Rim

First, I’d like to apologize to all my followers and readers for not posting anything recently. I have been on vacation for the past week and I do my best to avoid my phone and computer. Happy to be back writing again though. Let’s get this show on the road.

Godzilla meets Transformers in the newest summer blockbuster, Pacific Rim. The trailers for this looked epic and my brother and I were very excited to go and see this.

I’m not starting this review with the headline “Godzilla meets Transformers” just because that’s basically what this movie is. It’s also because there was a tiny shard of worry in me as well. I knew this movie could be two things: either an action bonanza with little of anything else (stereotypical Godzilla movies) or one with everything, causing it to be so epic that I nearly put a perfection label on the cover when I bought it (Transformers). These are two very different descriptions and I’d prefer to watch one over the other. I’ll let you figure it out.

The action scenes in this movie were pretty good and definitely worthy of a serious fist pound. However, something I loved about Transformers was the amazing special effects they were able to do with the transformers while still keeping the fight scenes relatively fast-paced. In this, both the monsters and the robots move like 300 ton creatures, making everything a lot more detailed, but slower paced. While I truly appreciated all the work that went into these fight scenes, at some points it was like I was watching a sumo wrestling match or two 500-pound men in a boxing ring. Personally, I’ll take speed over extreme detail any day. Godzilla-1 Transformers-0

There were no star actors in this film, which bugged me a little bit, but I figured it shouldn’t interfere with the action scenes. It didn’t but it also meant between every fight scene I was stuck watching characters I felt like I had seen a billion times. Very stereotypical and unoriginal. Think of stereotypical roles in movies and probably half of them can be pointed out in this film. That isn’t a big deal if you have actors that can bring some originality to them. There were no such actors present for filming. If you recall when you watched Godzilla movies as a kid, the characters were probably not important to you and you really could care less if they fell into a black hole or blew their brains out. You watched it because you wanted to see the fight scenes. That’s what this movie is like. I can almost picture the obnoxious audience member in the back of the theater: “Let’s go, nobody cares, start round two.” One of the scientists in the movie, played by Charlie Day, is one of the most annoying characters I’ve ever seen. I was waiting for someone to bust his face in, but sadly it never happened. Every time an action scene was interrupted by this guy, I was thinking, “What is the purpose of having this guy in the movie?” The same with Ron Perlman’s character. Why is he in it? He does nothing for the plot! The actors did the best they could with this, but the script writing was lacking. I cared about the characters in this film, but not as much as I want to care or should care. Godzilla-2 Transformers-0

While I appreciated that del Toro made the backstory as simple as possible, he seemed to neglect one important point, at least for me. The pilots for these machines go through a neural handshake, a process through which their memories and brains are fused, or something to that effect, oh, I don’t even know what I’m talking about! What is going on?! How does that work? It’s a confusing concept. It seems like it would have been a lot easier to just make the robot be piloted by one person.

On the other hand, then it would be Godzilla meets Transformers meets Gundam. In fact, now that I think about it, aren’t the robots kind of like Gundam warriors?

Seriously, my brother just came in with this picture south-west from where I’m writing right now. That’s weird, man. Now if they had done this same picture for Transformers I would just ignore it, but it’s not because I’m biased toward the movie. It’s because the movie is original, different in a way. The robots have minds of their own and you actually can consider Optimus Prime and the rest of the transformers characters because you can relate to them. They have a piece of individuality and creativity in them that makes me interested and intrigued, not bored like “I’ve seen this before minus these awesome fight scenes”.

Godzilla-3 Transformers-0

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Star Trek Into Darkness, Now You See Me, Man of Steel, Monster-In-Law, White House Down)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Oblivion)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit, After Earth, Road to Perdition)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow.

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.”

My score for Pacific Rim: 68.

The only other del Toro movies that I have seen are the two Hellboy movies, movies that relied on a weak plot line and character chemistry. The chemistry worked, the plot, not so much. At the end of the day, del Toro’s plot struggles with holes intertwined with audience members scratching their heads. The action scenes seemed to be his main priority and nothing but. While they were well done, even if they’re perfectly done action scenes, a movie still needs more than that to be great. Perhaps del Toro and Zach Snyder should join hands in making 300 part 2. The first one was action scenes and not much else. Sounds like they have the same priorities to me.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

The monsters in this movie all ended up looking like hammerhead sharks with extremities and sometimes tentacles. I was disappointed I couldn’t get any more creativity than that.

Finally, the ending: the two main characters jump through the portal and Raleigh sends Mako out in an escape pod as they are both running out of oxygen. Raleigh then runs around the ship for what felt like forever pushing the manual override button for the detonation sequence. Apparently oxygen is not a necessity for people these days. I didn’t know that. I guess I’ll have to try swimming to the bottom of the ocean next week without any scuba diving equipment. Raleigh then jumps into an escape pod with under 7 seconds left before detonation and escapes the nuclear blast in Batman style. I suppose I’ll have to enlist in the air force for the next time they drop a nuclear warhead, because if they can escape nukes with seconds to spare, why can’t I? SHAKING MY HEAD!!!

Movie Review: White House Down

As soon as I saw the trailer for White House Down, I was like “Really? Olympus Has Fallen just came out and now you’re making another one?” Hollywood has gotten into making sequels constantly (which drives me insane but now is not the time to talk about that) and while this wasn’t supposed to be a sequel, it was supposed to be an entirely different movie, the trailer looked like the same movie, except this time the President was African-American. After watching it though, I can assure you that White House Down is not the poor man’s Olympus Has Fallen.

The plot is technically the same, with terrorists causing havoc in the White House and trying to get the president, but early on viewers should recognize that this movie is not to be a realistic thriller. I’ll discuss those reasons in the spoiler’s edition. If you can’t change your stance on this movie mid-movie and try to enjoy it for what it is, you should just leave the theater because you should not expect Tatum to go Gerard Butler.

This movie attempts to make a satire of the current presidential administration, specifically President Obama and Vice President Biden. This movie does not satire maliciously or demonstrate any political bias, but it highlights certain things that Obama and Biden do that are widely known and makes a mockery out of them. Once again, not maliciously, but just to have a good time. For example, the plot has President Sawyer (Jamie Foxx) trying to get a peace treaty together with the Middle East and has a speech in which he says “The pen is mightier than the sword”. Obviously this is up for debate, but I can picture President Obama saying something like that. President Obama also loves basketball. For half the movie, they have President Sawyer running around in a pair of Jordan’s. Coincidence? I think not. There are more examples but I don’t want to spoil the movie. There are plenty of entertaining one-liners in this that get you laughing and while you’re not rolling on the floor, you are getting more than a chuckle out of these jokes. Tatum and Foxx work well together in this and the chemistry seems legit so the audience is able to relate to the characters.

The action scenes are entertaining but once again not 100% realistic so be wary of this. They’re fun to watch because half the time Tatum and Foxx are exchanging one-liners mid-firefight. The jokes allow the audience to disregard some of the unrealistic scenes and just take it for what it is, a comedy with bullets flying and walls exploding.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Star Trek Into Darkness, Now You See Me, Man of Steel, Monster-In-Law)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one.

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit, After Earth, Road to Perdition)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow.

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.”

My score for White House Down: 83.

While Olympus Has Fallen is the better of the two, White House Down is still a crowd pleaser and one worth seeing. The comedic political satire did well with character development and the action scenes were well put together even if unrealistic. It’s one I’ll probably buy.

My only major complaint was Maggie Gyllenhaal. She was boring, flat, and annoying throughout the whole movie. Seriously, if you want to make a really bad movie, put Maggie Gyllenhaal and John Cusack together in leading roles. You’ll be sure to win the Academy Award for Worst Picture.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

First off, a six man team manages to take out the whole entire White House security team while in lockdown in a matter of like six minutes. They just went around knocking on doors, saying “security check” and shooting guards as they opened the doors. No code word to get the guards to open the doors and no shots fired by any of the guards that I can remember. They took out the whole security team without a single shot fired against them. Wow! They got to the armory and armed themselves with machine guns mid-route and if I recall there was little to no security protecting all those guns and no keypad or safe to crack into. Granted, the main baddie is the head of the Secret Service, so they would have gotten the codes anyway, but at least if they had shown them putting codes into something it would have looked like the Secret Service wasn’t a ragtag team of rookie interns. The director jumped straight into the Tatum-Foxx show without ever showing how difficult it is to take over the White House.

There is so much chaos going on in the White House during this movie and between that and the number of alliance switches and presidents being sworn in, I can see how some people might have had trouble following along at some points, even though I personally didn’t have that problem.

Overall, a pretty good movie and good acting performances by all of the cast, except of course for Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Movie Review: Patriot Games

After watching one of my favorite Harrison Ford movies (Air Force One) on Thursday, I decided to watch another Ford movie, this time one I hadn’t seen before, and so Mom suggested watching Patriot Games, a movie based off a Tom Clancy bestseller.

Upon reading the opening credits, one should be on the edge of their seats jumping for joy. Harrison Ford, one of the best actors of the past 50 years is starring in the main role and two of the three greatest African-Americans in the world are co-starring, those two being Samuel L. Jackson and James Earl Jones, and the one being left out being Morgan Freeman. With just those three names alone, you have an all-star cast, one that should be able to do wonders on the big screen.

Unfortunately, the writers failed to give them adequate material to do so. Former CIA agent Jack Ryan (Ford) prevents an attack on a member of the royal family while on vacation in London and kills one of the assailants. The assailant’s older brother (Sean Bean) also participated and witnessed the killing of his younger brother and now vows to get revenge.

The script writers gave the great Samuel L. Jackson and legendary James Earl Jones an estimated 15 minutes of screen time in this. Are you kidding me? Two of the greatest actors on the planet and you gave them 15 minutes? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! They put these two in this film because big names are supposed to draw big crowds, but honestly, I would be insulted if I were them. A total waste of talent.

The action scenes in this were not well done and at points this film was very predictable. I felt like I had watched it before. That’s not a problem if you change it up a little and make the characters memorable, but the film didn’t accomplish this.

There were a fair amount of plot holes in this, at points the movie got boring, and the acting suffered from poor script writing. Sean Bean plays villains all the time, and I even found his performance to be sub par.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Star Trek Into Darkness, Now You See Me, Man of Steel, Monster-In-Law)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one.

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit, After Earth, Road to Perdition)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this.

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow.

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.”

My score for Patriot Games: 42.

Harrison Ford was left to carry the movie on his shoulders. While Pitt was able to do it in World War Z, at least he had scriptwriters to help out. Ford didn’t even have that and so his performance suffered. If your main star’s performance is suffering, so is your movie’s.

I would encourage you to watch the trailer for this, but it gives so many plot details and so many spoilers that it gives away a lot. If you insist though, here it is.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

The authorities decide to move Miller (Bean) to another prison. Why it was so important to move him, I don’t know. Anyway they want to move him to Albany Prison, which is on an island, meaning you have to cross a bridge to get there for all those who haven’t had the privilege of being mentored by Captain Obvious. Well, they get stopped when the bridge is up, meaning they’re trapped. The rest of Miller’s team comes in, frees him, and kills everyone. You would think they would have priority traffic or something so that the bridge stayed down for the transportation of a dangerous convict/terrorist, but apparently not. Also, at the end, Ryan (Ford) is leading Miller away from his family on a boat and Miller gives chase in his own. He shoots Ryan’s engine causing it to catch on fire. There is a propane/gasoline tank right next to the engine and while the whole back half of Ryan’s small boat is engulfed in flames, the tank does not catch on fire. Bean jumps on to Ryan’s boat, engaging in a hand-to-hand struggle and the filmmakers give you an overhead view of the flames refusing to engulf this tank. This is preposterous. It’s a little thing, but why does there have to be a propane tank on this boat in the first place? If you put one of those things on, then it’s gotta go boom. Of course, it only goes boom after Ryan has impaled Bean on a stored anchor and abandons ship, leaving Bean to crash into a rock formation. Of course, this is when the thing decides to explode. *facepalm*

Movie Review: World War Z

My brother and I have been looking forward to this apocalyptic zombie flick for a while now so to say I was expecting a lot from this film would be a true statement.

You’re thrown right into the action with this film. Director Marc Foster wasted no time discussing an elaborate back story or giving us an in-depth personality evaluation of the family. Foster knew the audience didn’t need this so he simplified it by basically saying, “Hey, here’s a family and the father, Gerry Lane (Pitt), he’s ex-military. And action!”

After leading his family to a navy aircraft carrier, the captain tells Lane he needs him to find a cure. When Lane refuses, the captain says “you search or you and your family are getting kicked off.” Obviously we can guess what Lane chooses to do, but this choice leads into a character connection with the audience.

It’s very important that a character connection is opened with the audience so early, because similar to After Earth, no one is in this film very long aside from Brad Pitt. Everyone around him seems to die or leave. This can be a major problem if you can’t relate to the main character, but Pitt does such a great job with this role that I’d be surprised if you didn’t connect with him. It takes a great actor to basically carry a movie on his shoulders, but Pitt made it look easy.

The action scenes are pretty intense and that’s without blood and guts being all over the screen. That’s a testament to how good these scenes were, not a testament to the constant criticism of “no blood/guts, not a good zombie movie”. My adrenaline was pumping throughout.

The movie was very suspenseful. At some points I was at the edge of my seat and at other points my hands were in front of my mouth because I was unsure what would happen next. After each moment I would breathe a sigh of relief, only to be startled by something I never saw coming.

I will warn you that the zombies in this movie are not slow like in the typical zombie flick. They are incredibly fast, so fast that at times I will admit I was questioning myself how Brad Pitt was outrunning them when on-screen it looked like he was barely jogging. While I think zombies would be slow if a zombie apocalypse were to occur, it didn’t bother me too much that the filmmakers decided to change things up a bit. Sometimes spicing things up leads to great new ideas and audiences are always looking for something new.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Star Trek Into Darkness, Now You See Me, Man of Steel, Monster-In-Law)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one.

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit, After Earth, Road to Perdition)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this.

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow.

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.”

My score for World War Z: 91.

Despite going against the grain of popular zombie movies, World War Z kept me entertained throughout. Brad Pitt was as good as ever and took the burden of being the star actor, supporting actor(because there isn’t really anybody else) and producer of this film like a boss. The filmmakers brought a new idea for a zombie movie to the big screen and I loved it.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

Real quick, I’d like to reiterate how suspenseful this movie really was. Like at the end, let’s be honest people, Gerry Lane sucks at walking! Kicking over Mountain Dew cans in the middle of an empty floor and later on stepping on all the big pieces of glass! I wanted to jump out of my seat and start screaming at him I was so into this movie.

My only complaint with this movie occurs during Lane’s visit to Jerusalem. The city is entirely safe with giant walls protecting the whole city. Life in Jerusalem is just as it was before the outbreak. However, some people have the great idea of turning on a microphone and singing their lungs out. What?! Haven’t any of these people read about basic zombie survival tips? I don’t know if this movie was meant to be like no one knew anything about zombies prior to the outbreak or not, but for a second let’s assume that’s the case. It took the zombies at least a minute and a half to pile onto each other climbing that wall. Why didn’t Lane say something? You think he would have noticed the obnoxious singing while trying to hold an important conversation. This scene was necessary to move the plot forward so it wasn’t a huge deal to me, but I was still like, “Wow, Israel, you guys make huge walls around your city because you’re smart as hell and then get swarmed by zombies because you’re dumb as hell.”

Movie Review: The Contract

Cover of The Contract

Two days ago, I watched the 2006 film, The Contract, starring Morgan Freeman and John Cusack. It took me two days to recover from this movie before I could write this review.

To learn about the backstory, I’d strongly suggest you watch the trailer by clicking here.

For those too lazy to do that, a very quick overview. Frank Carden (Morgan Freeman) is an assassin who escapes the U.S. marshals only to run into Ray Keene (John Cusack), an ex-policeman who is now a gym teacher (great career transition) and feels it’s his job to get Carden to justice. Keene and his son are pursued through the woods by Carden’s colleagues.

This movie is certainly not one that I would have seen in theaters because the trailer doesn’t look that good. We got it for a few bucks and I wasn’t very entertained.

Every time I see John Cusack or Keanu Reeves, I cringe, because I have no idea how they ever got into Hollywood. In everything I’ve seen them in, their acting has been horrible. Reeves starred in The Replacements with Gene Hackman, which I didn’t think was too bad, but that can be attributed to the supporting cast more than to Reeves. Nicolas Cage was great in Con Air, which overshadowed Cusack’s flat secondary role. Neither Reeves nor Cusack do anything for me.

Now that you know a little about why I cringe, back to the review. Once again, Cusack was flat and boring. With Cusack as a main character, one could say this film was doomed before I started it. He’s supposed to be the father who has to balance his and his son’s safety against his want to serve justice, but his lack of emotion in displaying this predicament is a huge problem for me. I can’t relate to this character at all nor do I really care what happens to him. His son, played by Jamie Anderson, also has little emotional capacity. Maybe the characters are supposed to be introverts, but there are still ways that introverts show emotion and Cusack and Anderson fail to even do that.

I never really developed any character connection with these characters, not even Freeman’s. He did what he could with a script that could have been written by a middle school student, but not even the great Freeman could make me care. For example, while they’re evading Carden’s colleagues, the three’s interaction goes like this:

Anderson: “Dad, we should let him go.”

Carden: “Your son’s right, Keene. You should let me go and go back home.”

Keene: “No, keep moving.”

The same  dialogue goes on again and again. Surprisingly, I got tired of hearing it (this sentence has been laced with deadly amounts of sarcasm). What is Freeman supposed to do with that?

Similar to After Earth, there are more scenes of hiking/running then there are of actual action scenes. The action scenes were very unrealistic. Some great movies have very unrealistic action scenes, but that’s because the goal was to make the most improbable stuff happen because it’s cool and it gets people pumped. The scenes in this movie weren’t meant to be unrealistic, but somehow the filmmakers failed to make realistic action scenes and instead made them so corny that they were hilarious. The actors have serious faces on while doing these scenes, too, only adding to my amusement.

There are also a ton of plot holes in this movie. Some allowed for the comedic action scenes, but most made me say “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Star Trek Into Darkness, Now You See Me)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one.

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit, After Earth)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this.

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb.

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow.

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.”

My score for The Contract: 37.

The humorous action scenes were the only thing that made me keep watching. I discuss these scenes more in-depth in the spoiler’s edition below, along with direct links to what I’m talking about. The acting was typical Cusack-ish, boring, dull, and corny as can be. This movie was also very predictable, which means there are no surprises. Unless, you’re really bored, I wouldn’t suggest watching this.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

First, the writers for this movie should feel horrible for ever conceiving the idea for this movie. Some of the worst writing I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty good at picking out good movies and I admit that I didn’t expect this to be good, but even an average performing movie will most likely get a score in the sixties. This is just a testament to how bad this movie really was.

The movie starts with Keene’s son being busted for pot, and throughout the movie, Keene’s son is the stereotypical underachieving son. Later on, there’s a scene where one of Carden’s colleagues catches Keene between two trees and shoots him, walks over and says, “I hate amateurs.” As if on cue, Keene flips around, trips the guy and puts two in his chest. Keene gets up without a scratch. All of Carden’s colleagues are highly trained ex-military, so there’s simply no way that Keene didn’t get hit. It was stupid.

Later on, Keene beats up two of them with right jabs. Here’s a clip if you want a laugh.

There are plenty of other problems I have with this movie, but it’s seriously not even worth talking about.

Movie Review: After Earth

M. Night Shyamalan, a director who is capable of making great movies like The Sixth Sense and Signs, but also capable of making historically bad movies, such as The Lady in The Water and The Last Airbender. With M. Night Shyamalan, you really don’t know what to expect. As soon as I saw the preview for After Earth, I knew I had to see it because I wanted to see how Jaden and Will Smith worked together. The whole father-son actor duo really intrigued me, so I thought I’d go see it. Seeing M. Night Shyamalan’s name at the end of the preview did worry me a little, but I haven’t seen any of his recent box office failures, mostly because I’m pretty good at picking out whether a movie will be any good or not based on the trailer. I really liked Signs and while I’ve only seen The Sixth Sense once, I did like it. Given his inconsistency, I was hoping he didn’t destroy Will and Jaden Smith’s career.

Before watching this movie, I had heard about a lot of negative reviews. I didn’t read the details because I didn’t want the movie spoiled, but I knew critics didn’t like it. Coming out of it though, I didn’t think it was that awful. No, it definitely wasn’t extraordinary or a blockbuster film, but it definitely wasn’t worthy of a “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE” label.

Will Smith plays a character who has no fear, so Will Smith shows little emotional output and is left playing a human robot. He did a very good job, but so could a robot. However, I’m not going to hate on Will Smith. He’s a great actor who was given a boring part and made it come alive. Props to him.

The last time I saw Jaden Smith was in the Karate Kid remake, which I thought was just as good as the original, so I was excited to see what Jaden did with this one. Jaden’s character can be stupid at points and do stupid things, but it’s understandable to a point that he acts like this when you learn all the backstory. Sometimes though, all you wanted to do looking at Jaden’s character was a facepalm.

The acting wasn’t bad in this movie, but the material that Will and Jaden Smith were given was lacking sometimes. Aside from Will and Jaden’s characters, there are truly no other characters in this film. There are no supporting actors in this film, unless Will would be considered one. In that case, there would be one. This is bothersome for me because that means if you can’t relate to either of these two characters you’re left relating to nobody. As I mentioned above, Will Smith is practically a robot in this movie, so basically, it’s relate to Jaden’s character or relate to nobody. Perhaps this isn’t as big a deal as I’m making it out to be, but tell me how many movies look like this in the credits:

Cast:

Cypher Raige| Will Smith

Kitai Raige| Jaden Smith

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

The End

If you know anything about movies, the answer is not many. Seriously, Google search “after earth cast” and see what comes up. There’s seriously nobody in this movie with more than five minutes of screen time, aside from Cypher, Kitai, and maybe Kitai’s sister, but she’s dead, so no character development there. There aren’t as many action scenes in this movie as I would have liked and the ones that were there were disappointing.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Star Trek Into Darkness, Now You See Me)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one.

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this.

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb.

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow.

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.”

My score for After Earth: 53.

There’s probably more scenes of Kitai running in this movie then there are action scenes. There were some plot holes, but most did not cause a huge gap. Will and Jaden Smith’s performances kept me interested but I wasn’t on the edge of my seat waiting for something to happen. If you’re looking for something to do, I’d go see it. Besides, if you do, you can get involved in the “Why I hate M. Night Shyamalan” discussion.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

As I said above, there were some plot holes and while they didn’t cause a huge gap, they were still ones where you were like, “Ok?!” You were forced to go with it even if the probability was low. For example, early in the movie, they’re on a ship in an asteroid field and about to crash. For some reason, Kitai is the only one who’s smart enough to buckle up and “put on his seat belt”. Even though there are space seats on the ship which are specifically designed to protect you from sustaining major injuries in the event of a crash landing, everyone unbuckles and runs around. Even Cypher (Will Smith’s character) is standing looking at Kitai, trying to get him to slow his breathing and wasting ten seconds doing this instead of buckling up. Because he fails to buckle up, he breaks both his legs. Nice going there, bud. Just thought that was dumb.

Later on, Cypher says that all life on earth had adapted to kill humans. When Kitai jumps off a cliff to skyfall to the bottom, an eagle chases him, captures him, and puts him in a nest with a bunch of baby eagles, which is then attacked by tigers or some other type of wildcat. Kitai, with the help of the eagle, is able to get all the wildcats out of the nest, but not before all the baby eagles are killed. Kitai runs away while the eagle mourns its babies. Later in the movie, Kitai fails to get to one of the hot spots, meaning he is left in an area that freezes over at nighttime. Kitai is about to freeze to death but is then dragged through the grass by something as he falls unconscious. He wakes up under the eagle’s wings, but the eagle is dead. I’m guessing it probably froze to death, but I don’t know. While this scene is heartwarming for animal lovers such as myself, this goes against what Cypher said. Cypher said that life on earth adapted to kill humans. That means that eagle should have been tearing him apart limb from limb, not acting as a blanket. Why did the eagle act out of the norm? Was it just because Kitai was fighting against the tiger things? Did it think he was trying to protect the baby chicks, because let’s be honest, Kitai was saving himself. The audience is never given answers to these questions.

Finally, Jaden Smith magically becomes fearless at the end of the movie and of course this transformation occurs right before the Ursa is able to get out of the rock crevice. (Also, Ursa means bear, like Ursa Minor the constellation. I thought that was interesting.) This is highly improbable if not an impossible transformation. Jaden has been scared of literally everything in this movie and I mean everything. There hasn’t been a scene in the entire movie that he didn’t look afraid, but now he’s suddenly fearless? Yeah, it seemed like the ending was just pulled out of a hat or something and was very disappointing. I would have rather seen Kitai defeat that thing without “ghosting”. That would have been sick.