Movie Review: X-Men: Days of Future Past

The X-Men aside from Wolverine all suck. They’re a ragtag group of heroes that aren’t good enough for their own individual movies and can’t even make a decent film together. Reports have said that Hugh Jackman wants Wolverine to be included in the Avengers. I can’t blame him. The rest of these want-to-be’s are holding him down. Given that, my expectations weren’t very high. I went to see it for you guys.

We’ve convinced ourselves for years that it couldn’t get worse than X-Men: Last Stand only to be smacked in the face with a declaration from Bryan Singer: “I’m better than Brett Ratner. He can’t do anything better than me. I bet I can make a worse movie.” Singer does just that, putting award-winning talent on the screen and giving them a script that was written by someone with no brain matter. Fan-favorite Hugh Jackman does nothing fun as Wolverine for the movie’s entire two-hour and ten minute running time. He’s the one we care about people! We don’t care about any of the other guys. They’re all bottom feeders compared to Wolverine and you just took your main character and all of the fun, enjoyment and action that he provides out of the lineup. That’s like the Minnesota Vikings benching Adrian Peterson! You just don’t do that!

We’ve got time traveling and all of the common complications that come with it but it’s okay because Singer decided to just throw those under the rug. Why would you do that? I mean, I think it’s already pretty lame that this is trying to be a remake of X-Men: First Class. Magneto wants to kill the humans, Professor Xavier wants to protect them, Mystique still hasn’t made up her mind after forever. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, disappointing action scene with miraculous character changes, roll credits.

The only entertainment I got out of this was from two of the newcomers, Evan Peters as Quicksilver and Fan Bingbing as Blink. The action through the teleportation portals was really impressive as were the special effects used with Quicksilver but neither of them were in the movie that long because we had to make room for more bickering between all of our one-dimensional characters in the past that no one wants to see for the sixth time.

The acting isn’t lousy but there’s no one I really care about here. I’m sick of Magneto acting like he’s the ruler of the world. I’m tired of Mystique never making up her mind and being stupid. I’m tired of Professor Xavier being a useless pacifist and I’m tired of Storm in general in these movies. I’m tired of these people and the more I watch them the more I hate everyone that’s not named Wolverine or Beast. These don’t even feel like sequels, they just feel like remakes of the same film and no character has made any progress as a person since the last time we saw them. There’s no character development, no likability, no consistency, nothing.

That’s a real problem when your dialogue-to-action ratio is 80-20. If you’re going to make the majority of your film dialogue, don’t make misleading trailers that clearly promote something else. The only thing happening here is the advancement of the plot and it was already a loosely knit plot to begin with before you add the shaky dialogue. Given all of this, I don’t feel like I’m being unfair about this movie or any of the X-Men films for that matter. They’re not vivid or potent products. They’re just…meh.

This one they wanted to get out of the “meh” and I can appreciate that but this was just not the pitch to use if you were trying to get out of the doghouse. This was more of a pitch to use if you were trying to get into the outhouse.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Godzilla, Secretariat, Prisoners, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Captain America: The Winter Soldier)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, Spider-Man 3, Divergent)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, 300, Flyboys, Dawn of the Dead, Captain America: The First Avenger)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Speed, Godzilla(1998), The Incredible Hulk, Disaster Movie, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Starving Games, You’re Next, Thor, Full Metal Jacket, Alien Resurrection)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens, Serendipity, Alien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice, The Contract)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Open Grave, Alien 3, Dark Fury, Midnight Cowboy)

My score for X-Men: Days of Future Past: 27.

Similar to The Amazing Spider-Man 2, X-Men: Days of Future Past promised fans an action feature and instead gave fans something entirely different. While The Amazing Spider-Man 2 gave us an enthralling romance, X-Men: Days of Future Past gave us boring dialogue, an overly complicated plot and lightweight characters to make audiences care far less for an X-Men film than previously thought humanly possible.

Movie Review: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

The Lord of the Rings saga comes to an end with a final sound-off and salute, propelling it to becoming one of the best films of the decade and of all-time. In its honor, a bonus roommate edition!

Tim: The cast and characters that fanatics like myself had befriended and loved for the last three years return as does the king of Gondor. Aiding them in their journey is some of the best story-telling, visual effects, and musical scores ever made. A better cast could not have been made nor better characters been written. The pacing is like a trek through the most dire terrain, with metaphorical cliffs and ditches at every turn, just waiting until it erupts with the greatest splendor, whether through action scenes that scream psychedelic or the character building that plays with our emotions like a baby on a trampoline. The picturesque scenery, the voluminous battles, the suspense that drills at our inner core and then some, this is a movie like few others.

Jon: Despite my tendencies to make jokes at Lord of the Rings movies, it is one of the best movies I have seen. With every aspect, Peter Jackson got this movie right. The scenery is spectacular and it’s no surprise to me that this movie did so well in the box office and in the awards. While it is incredibly long and sometimes difficult to watch in one sitting, it is the greatest Lord of the Rings movie and one of the greatest I’ve seen in my life.

Tim: And that is where I think we’ll have to agree to disagree. The time and energy that I put into these films, just watching them, I felt I was a part of this brotherhood of heroes. I felt like one of them. This film as well as the other two instill such a strong faith in humanity, in the good of mankind, in the belief that good will always conquer evil, that how anyone could be displeased with the Lord of the Rings or view them with contempt I have not the slightest indication. It connects with its audience through its story and its characters that are portrayed so perfectly. I would go so far as to say this film lives inside you, livens you as a person, as a human being. It opens doors to your heart and gifts you with new perspectives on life. It fully envelops you in the tale like an embrace with a loved one you will not see for a long time, one that you wish could last for hours just because the moment is so precious and so heart-warming. Despite those who may complain about its length, I didn’t want the story to end. It was a piece of me. This film trilogy had contributed to my self-worth and my being. Perhaps a film series is not supposed to have such a profound effect on an individual, but The Lord of the Rings did for me. I could have watched this for six hours, as long as it meant spending more time with my dear friends.

Sam and Frodo will forever be one of the most memorable duos in cinema for me. Their friendship is the way friendships were meant to be. It also depicts the values I look for in my friends. Sam is so loyal, so trustworthy, brave and selfless, that there is no doubt in my mind he would have taken a bullet for Frodo and then some. Frodo does not always fully grasp how great a friend Sam is at times, although I attribute that to his constant battle with the Ring, but when he does, that is when you see friendship at its philosophical plateau. They won’t give up on each other, and no matter what the next desolate, seemingly hopeless predicament they wander into next is, it is already accepted they will both be going at it together. Sean Astin and Elijah Wood may be type-casted forever, but that is nothing to be ashamed of, for these performances are the ones that stick with you, the ones you will never forget despite all the years that will pass since their original release. 100 years from now, the names Sam and Frodo will be uttered by someone in a crowd, and all will turn to this person and say Lord of the Rings, because that is how monumental these characters are. And yes, I know that was overly dramatic. Shut up. I’m a guy trying to express my feelings.

Jon: Frodo also illustrates how true a friend he is to Sam when he goes to step onto the ship to leave Middle Earth, knowing that Sam would never be able to leave the family that he has. Sam will always have the book to remember the times that they went through but even Sam acknowledges at the end of the movie that Frodo needed to leave to let Sam live his life. Frodo did the most selfless thing he could think of for Sam as Sam had done for him throughout the entire series.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Miracle, Scrooge, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, The Green Mile, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, Poseidon, Iron Man, Lone Survivor, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Usual Suspects, 21 Jump Street, Escape Plan, Captain America: The First Avenger, Dawn of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Disaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Along Came Polly, Aliens, Alien Resurrection, Full Metal Jacket, Thor)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black, Alien, Serendipity)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice, Redemption)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears, Thor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy, Dark Fury, Alien 3)

My score for The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King: 98.

With dialogue that furthers the plot and tugs at our inner-being and souls, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is a film for the ages, one that will stick with those who journeyed with the characters for the rest of their lives.

Also, before I bid you adieu, my roommate has finally started blogging on WordPress.

Hello, my name is Jon St. Laurent.  I am a good friend of Tim’s and his roommate at school.  I’ve been blogging for a few years now but I recently switched over to WordPress.  I’m still working on getting my blog to be fully completed, but if you’re looking for a sports blog to talk about baseball, football, hockey, and anything that is top sports news, I’m your guy! Check it out at citb10.wordpress.com  Feel free to read, comment, and give your thoughts and arguments; that’s what it was created for! Thanks everyone!

Movie Review: The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The next installment of Peter Jackson’s medieval masterpieces returns in the two towers. Since there are two towers, there are two reviewers in another bonus roommate edition!

Tim: In this one, the acting is much better, with the actors really putting on the costumes of their characters and getting into their respective niches. The story splits into three perspectives but it doesn’t prevent the story from taking its journey forward. Frodo and Sam’s friendship reaches new heights and you really get to admire the bond that they have. Elijah Wood will be forever type-casted for me as will Sean Astin. The bond’s chemistry is furthered by catalyst Smeagle played by Andy Serkis. Sometimes you side with Frodo, other times with Sam, and you really don’t know what to do about Smeagle. This conflict keeps the audience thinking and that’s only one part of the story that’s being told.

Jon: This is my favorite of the three movies and I personally prefer to focus in on the story arc that involves Gimli, Legolas and Aragorn. I think the battle against the orcs riding their beasts is very well done and I think the battle of Helm’s Deep may be my all-time favorite large army battle in all cinema despite some flaws we will discuss in the spoiler edition. I also like the Ents. Especially the one that dunks his flaming head in the water.

Tim: The trio of Gimli, Legolas and Aragorn is tight-knit and loyal to one another, all sharing a band-of-brothers mentality. The three facilitate some of the best action scenes of the movie and they are very impressive. The set design and visuals are once again premium, introducing the audience to the world of middle earth and making you a part of it.

Jon: I also like the spirit of competition between Gimli and Legolas. It provides comedic effect to help counter the seriousness of the events going on.

Tim: As I said, it’s filled with scenes that make you think and there’s plenty of emotional and impactful dialogue that’s said that really touches your heart and makes you admire the story all the more. Easily my favorite part of the film is Sam’s monologue.

Jon: Don’t give up on your dreams because the people who you want to be could have turned back but didn’t. There is good in today’s world. It’s just hidden behind all the bad news. If there wasn’t any good left, then there’d be nothing worth fighting for.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Real Steel, Miracle, Scrooge, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, The Green Mile)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, Poseidon, Iron Man, Lone Survivor, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Usual Suspects, 21 Jump Street, Escape Plan, Captain America: The First Avenger, Dawn of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Disaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Along Came Polly, Aliens, Alien Resurrection, Full Metal Jacket, Thor)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black, Alien, Serendipity)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice, Redemption)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears, Thor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy, Dark Fury, Alien 3)

My score for The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: 95.

The film perfects set and costume design, story line, and character connection. That coupled with some memorable moments and a fantastic score shoots this movie into the lore of must-buys.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION

Tim: The architectural planning of Helm’s Deep is questionable. As someone who took architectural classes in high school because I originally planned to become an architect, I don’t understand why you would put the drain under the wall like that. Aside from the hole making the stability of the wall weaker, it also would make the ground underneath damp and if there was a heavy enough storm, I’m sure the wall would collapse. Good thing it was only raining during that final battle.

Jon: There are a plethora of ways they could have built this aside from the way they built it. They could have had the water drain behind the wall, go to the water pools in the caves, dug a ditch in the side of the mountain… I’m pretty sure your brother could have built it better.

Tim: My brother is a Lego mastermind and undoubtedly could have built it better. You also make a fort made out of solid rock and then put a wooden door on the front? Didn’t anyone think “Hhmm, maybe we should leave this here” while they were digging that section out?

Movie Review: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

J.R.R Tolkein’s The Lord of the Rings became a film in 2001 with a great cast that includes Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Ian McKellen, Viggo Mortensen and many more. I still remember first watching this film and thinking that this had the potential to become something big and director Peter Jackson did not disappoint.

It’s a film that starts off slow and at times drags a little too much but it is a common occurrence with an opening film of a series. It’s a film that relies on its characters and while the actors didn’t get into the characters as much as I would have liked, they still dug below the surface and showed us the roots of some of the characters. It’s more than adequate or average, but not quite reaching the pinnacle that I felt it was capable of reaching, but once again, it’s a starter film and starter films do usually struggle with this, so it’s not the end of the world to me, but it is something to note.

The sets and scenery to this film are so iconic and well-detailed, vibrant and life-like. It’s executed so well that it feels like you’re there. If the film was made to be a New Zealand tourist attraction video, it did a fantastic job. Some great visual effects won the film Oscars for Best Makeup and Best Visual Effects. The costumes are killer, really aiding what the scenery and sets are trying to accomplish.

Speaking of killing, this movie does a wicked job with its fight scenes. Great camera work and angles so we can follow the action and we’re not struggling to do so.

What I like about this picture is that it feels real. At times, fantasy/science fiction film’s dialogue can come across as largely corny and elementary, something that never happens in this film. It’s intense and suspenseful when the film is in the “zone”. Sadly that’s not all the time but it is for much of the movie.

At times, this film feels too long. Some things probably could have been eliminated but at the end you never feel like you wasted your time. It only gets you excited to see the next one.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Real Steel, Miracle, Scrooge, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, The Green Mile)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Elf, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, Poseidon, Iron Man, Lone Survivor)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Usual Suspects, 21 Jump Street, Escape Plan, Captain America: The First Avenger, Dawn of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Disaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Along Came Polly, Aliens, Alien Resurrection, Full Metal Jacket, Thor)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black, Alien, Serendipity)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice, Redemption)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears, Thor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy, Dark Fury, Alien 3)

My score for The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring: 88.

The Fellowship of the Ring is by no means the best series starting film, but it’s up there. There was room for improvement but it was definitely an attention-grabber, one that entertained, gave us an adrenaline rush, and a fair share of philosophical/emotional aspects intertwined.

Also, remember in the film it’s Bilbo’s 111th birthday. This is my 111th post. Just thought that was ironic.

Movie Review: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

A quick sidenote: I have been thinking about some of my previous reviews and have realized that I’ve been a little too lenient on the grading, so expect some more “reasonable” reviews. I changed three scores: The Hobbit and the two Hunger Games critiques. Just thought I’d let you guys know.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug was a movie I was not looking forward to. The first one was such a disappointment and such a waste of time that I was ready to give up on the Hobbit trilogy then and there. However, the trailers for this one looked a lot better. I also figured I might as well finish what I started and just write reviews on the whole trilogy so you’re all welcome.

Martin Freeman returns as Bilbo Baggins and this one was centralized on him like the first one should have been. If you recall, I thought one of the major flaws of the first one was that Thorin played more of a lead role than our main character did, stealing the spotlight away from the story we were supposed to be hearing. It wasn’t a slight to Thorin’s character or actor Richard Armitage. He did a good job and I acknowledge that. I feel the blame fell more on the writers’ shoulders because they failed to make any real character connection with Bilbo nor did they really give Martin Freeman the opportunity to prove himself as an actor.

This one does not make the same mistake a second time, broadening Bilbo’s character and making us appreciate him as a person as well as getting to know who he is. He’s timid and yet has a courageous side that the audience can rally behind.

Despite the improvements on Bilbo’s character, I still find it lacking in some areas. I know him better than I did in the first one but I still have unanswered questions regarding his character. One of the big ones: what is causing him to continue to go forward on this journey? I know at the beginning he talks about wanting to go on an adventure and I get that. A lot of people today want to go on an adventure and have a day like no other, a day where they can do something heroic and do it for the right reasons, a day where they can step up to something they know is wrong and do something about it. However, despite an everyday person’s want to do something like this, most people have these opportunities pass them by, because things hold them back, whether it’s fear, judgment or something else entirely. The person who has a chance to make a difference meets obstacles and rarely are they willing to make the leap of faith to get over them in order to get a chance to make that difference. They would rather that chance just jump in their lap and make it an easy ordeal, but that’s not how life works. That’s why whenever someone does a selfless act they are so highly praised for it because not only did they talk the talk, but they walked the walk.

I want to feel the same way for Bilbo, except that I’m not convinced of his motive. He’s had many chances to turn back. Why hasn’t he? I feel like that question hasn’t been answered yet. Perhaps the writers are saving that answer for the big finale but I feel it causes the current product to falter.

Thorin plays a good secondary role once again and while I still don’t know most of the dwarfs’ names, I feel like I know the niche they are supposed to fill.

The action series reached a new intensity and dynamic in this one, another element that was lacking in the first. Of course, when you have Legolas and the Wood Elves showing off incredible archery skills, it’s hard to not be entertained.

Among some of the mishaps in this film, Gandalf leaves the fellowship within the first half hour in order to perform an individual endeavor that also seems to lack any logical output, something I’ll discuss in the spoiler’s edition. The conclusion is acceptable if not predetermined. I feel everyone saw the ending coming from leagues away.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z, 42, Just Go With It, Real Steel)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Truman Show, The Hunger Games, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Gangster Squad, Elf)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Usual Suspects, 21 Jump Street, Escape Plan, Captain America: The First Avenger, Dawn of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Disaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Along Came Polly, Aliens, Alien Resurrection, Full Metal Jacket, Thor)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black, Alien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears, Thor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy, Dark Fury, Alien 3)

My score for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: 84.

A large improvement from where it started, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug makes appropriate strides of improvement for a sequel, but it still lacks some and leaves the audience wanting more.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

There are still portions of this movie that could have been cut and at times, it’s still obvious that Jackson is drawing this story out a lot more than it needs to be. Why there was an insistence to make a 300-page book into a trio of three-hour movies when the Lord of the Rings made a trio based on three 400-page books, I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense, especially when I could probably read through a 300-page book in half the time it takes to watch nine hours of film, if not less.

Among the things that could have been eliminated to shorten this:

1. The film starts with Thorin going to the Prancing Pony in Bree a year before the journey ever started. Gandalf meets him there, tells him someone’s trying to have him killed and oh, by the way, it’s time to obtain the Arkenstone.

2. It then shoots to present time showing Gandalf and the dwarves evading Azog and the Orc party, eventually coming to the house of Beorn for shelter, staying one night and taking his horses in the morning, meaning the only need-to-know point of that whole encounter was to get horses so they can run across a valley and get to a dark forest and Gandalf can skip out on them. Why couldn’t we just start at the forest shortly before Gandalf leaves them and just narrate “shortly after borrowing horses from a friend”?

3. Why is Gandalf abandoning the group? So he can obey a telepathic message from Lady Galadriel and investigate the tombs of the Nazgul. That makes sense but what if they all just broke out and then Gandalf arrives? Gandalf can’t fight all nine at once. Why couldn’t they send someone less important, like the Brown wizard or a talking bird or something? After finding all the Nazgul are gone, Gandalf goes to Dol Guldur and before entering says he “knows it’s a trap”. If you know it’s a trap then why are you going in? I know you’re really powerful and all, but once again, is there someone less important we can send instead or better yet, more people we can send to back you up, like a nine-man team or something, so the mission has at least a small chance of success? It doesn’t help that you know the size of the Orc army when you’re locked in a cage, forced to watch as they go to kill all your friends. Questionable decisions there, Gandalf.

How does Smaug fail to kill any of the dwarves in their whole skirmish in the mountain? He’s huge and can breathe fire and the dwarves are fat and slow. He also seems to be dumb because he manages to light the forges for the dwarves, the forges being the only formidable weapon that the dwarves had against Smaug and then he stupidly walks up to a statue of molten lava. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but I’m pretty sure at least one party member would have died in all that mess.

Finally, Thorin and the dwarves look for the keyhole to the door to the mountain for all of five minutes before giving up. Really? You’ve traveled all this way to give up in five minutes? Why were Bilbo and I the only two people smart enough to wait and see if anything happened when the moon came out, since it’s called moonlight and would technically be the last light of the day? Then Bilbo calls for the dwarves to come back, no one responds, he looks for the key, kicks it and Thorin pops out of mid-air to pin the key to the edge of the cliff with his clan right behind him. What? No. That does not happen.