Movie Review: Planet of the Apes

Tim Burton is an odd fellow who makes peculiar films. We all know this. Burton does not make everyday movies. He’s a creative, I won’t argue that but Tim Burton makes one kind of film and one kind of film only: a Tim Burton film. When Burton doesn’t have a strong hand in the creative process, the story goes down the tubes and that’s what you see here. A film begging for a serious undertone, the producers for this Planet of the Apes remake picked this guy as the director. I’m sorry but does he look like a serious guy to you?

There’s only one correct answer here: no, plain and simple. Now, he’s behind the camera so he doesn’t have to look serious, I know that but the guy’s work says, “Why so serious?” all over it and not with the Joker’s attitude. It has a mysterious, puzzling touch and that’s just what Burton’s good at. There’s nothing wrong with that but this is not the guy you want to direct a Star Trek film, a Die Hard installment or any action piece you want audiences to watch with a straight face.

That’s one of the biggest blunders of this movie and the sad thing is that it happened before they started rolling. Planet of the Apes wasn’t asking for a creative mastermind like Burton. It was asking for someone who knew how to direct some action sequences and how to make a story flow with some originality but not be overly complicated or utterly boring. Something in the middle of the road would do. Instead, we get Burton and an extreme option: unnecessarily complicated AND utterly boring.

Adding insult to injury, Mark Wahlberg was brought in for our lead role. As I’ve mentioned a few times already, Wahlberg is low on my acting totem pole. However, I don’t think it would have mattered who they got to play the role of Captain Leo Davidson. There’s no character development anywhere and they’re all so poorly written. What should have been an all-star cast of Tim Roth, Michael Clarke Duncan and the Burton must-have Helena Bonham Carter ends up to be a list of wasted talent. Pondering with how to make useless characters useful, our trio gives it the old college try but can’t attack the amount of mistakes in the script with any of the weapons in their arsenal. It’s an impossible task and part of me feels they all knew their efforts were feeble compared to the size of the problem. The characters are trite and succeed only at leaving grins of pity on the faces of its viewers. Tim Roth’s General Slade, our antagonist, is especially dreadful, with grunts and shrieks being his most meaningful lines of dialogue.

Role ascension shouldn’t even be a topic in this review. This is Planet of the Apes, people. PLANET of the APES. There are primates riding horses, for God’s sake.

I still remember the first time I saw it. I was in my family’s basement, scrolling through channels until I came upon Charlton Heston running from gorillas in armor riding horseback. It was magnetizing and filled with awe. “What is this?” my younger self said. I sat and watched it to the end, almost in shock by such a wondrous idea.

This is what I should be talking about right now. The imagery alone should carry this and perhaps that was the basis for bringing in a visionary like Burton. Instead, we get a barren landscape with only one moving figure. The environment is devoid of life and has no attention-grabbing elements aside from this moving figure. This moving figure is our film and this moving figure has the physical capability of a snail. Drooling across the sands in front of me, I’m thinking about almost anything but this visual bewilderment. I’m thinking about why they made this, why they made the decisions they made, why no one could foresee the disjointed material.

Our human role players have blank grimaces on their faces the whole movie and act like cavemen rather than futuristic homo-sapiens. They look totally clueless and oblivious and I don’t know why this is the case. They should have a basic idea of what is going on, some comprehension, something. Estella Warren’s mouth-breathing face is chiefly mind-numbing and of no benefit to this film.

The action is incredibly disappointing and displays special effects and green screen of the lowest platitude. Wahlberg is thrown twenty feet in the air by a swing of ONE arm more than once but gets up with no injuries and that’s not even mentioning the fact that such a thing is physically impossible, ape or not.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Transformers: Age of Extinction, Jack Reacher, Godzilla, Secretariat, Prisoners)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(Battle: Los Angeles, Skyfall, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, 300, Flyboys)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Speed, Godzilla(1998), The Incredible Hulk, Disaster Movie, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Starving Games, You’re Next, Thor, Full Metal Jacket, Alien Resurrection)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens, Serendipity)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice, The Contract)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (A Haunted House 2, Open Grave, Alien 3, Dark Fury, Midnight Cowboy)

My score for Planet of the Apes: 36.

A predetermined fate that should have drawn audiences away from the get-go, Burton’s Planet of the Apes is lackluster in so many ways that it’s not hard to see why so many people were disgusted and why so many are excited for the reboot because it’ll be hard to get much worse than this.

Movie Review: Transformers: Age of Extinction

I’ve been reading reviews by fellow bloggers for the past few weeks and was stunned to uncover they weren’t so fond of the Transformers films or of Michael Bay. I was shocked because I find Michael Bay to be quite entertaining.

His films are always explosive and exuberant and while usually not filled with the best character repertoires, I would not go so far as to call his plot pieces textbook. There’s usually a slight alteration, one so minor it can almost pass as uninviting regularity but if you’re willing to give it a chance, you’ll find there is some enjoyment to be had with Bay’s puppets. Typical Bayisms always seem to find a way into his films, such as occasional slow-motion shots to slacken the pace followed by explosions, car chasing scenes with explosions, lots of bullets aided by explosions and finally, explosions. Yeah, Michael Bay loves seeing things go boom and you know what I find wrong with that: nothing. There is nothing wrong with seeing things go boom. I personally don’t feel like Bay ever goes too far but I can see the argument. Bay is and forever will be known for his extraordinary actions scenes and blunt, brutal approach to filmmaking and those are some of the things I love about the guy, things you will see in Transformers: Age of Extinction.

I’m not going to lie, I had my reservations about it. I felt it had been too long in between sequels. A total cast and character overhaul wasn’t to my fancy either. Mark Wahlberg? Ugh, why Bay?

Regardless, I was going to see it anyway. Why? It’s Transformers, people. When you were a kid, what really got you excited? People punching other people in the face. Then it was robots punching other robots in the face. Well, you know what’s better than that? Robots shooting AND punching other robots in the face and that is what Transformers will consistently give you. Its plot will not be diabolically created by gifted script craftsmen or by great writers like Stephen King. Its characters will not reach the echelons of character ubiquity or versatility. Its action will not be restricted by anything aside from budget costs. The impression it leaves on you will be the same each time you watch it no matter which of the four Transformers films (so far) you decide to watch. That impression: WOW.

That impression can be read in two different connotations and regardless of what side of the fence you’re on, it is probably going to be the exasperated gasp that comes out of your mouth at the end of the film’s absurd running time. It’s either a “WOW, what the heck was all that?” or a “WOW, that was awesome!!!” That’s just the way you’re going to feel.

Transformers: Age of Extinction is more of the same grinding-metal carnage that you saw in the first seven plus hours of the first three films. If you feel bored with that spiel, that’s fine. I would suggest you don’t see this. If you love the first three like me, you will probably love this, too.

Mark Wahlberg is one of my least favorite actors. He just doesn’t cut it for me most times but he’s fine here, not that the script is asking that much of him in the first place, but I suppose that is beside the point. A protective and overbearing father is such a weathered character but Wahlberg makes me care. It’s not shooting out-of-this-world stuff at me to get me to that point either. It’s not overly creative. It’s just done right. I can appreciate a cast that takes their job seriously and does some hard labor. It’s a cast who had a winning hand, something I was caught aback by. I didn’t expect a character rehaul to work out so well because in most films, that’s not the case. Why did I ever doubt my man, Bay?

The plot is straight cut though there are some things you just have to go with and accept rather than try to rationalize. I’m accustomed to having to do that with Bay’s films so it wasn’t a big deal for me.

The action scenes are visually stunning and they always are with Bay at the helm. Explosions and sword fights and dinobots and fireballs and laser guns and humor all in a package deal. This is a more serious installment than the previous three but it still got its wise cracks here and there.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Jack Reacher, Godzilla, Secretariat, Prisoners, Mr. & Mrs. Smith)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Edge of Tomorrow, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, Young Guns, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, Spider-Man 3)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(Battle: Los Angeles, Skyfall, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, 300, Flyboys)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Speed, Godzilla(1998), The Incredible Hulk, Disaster Movie, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Starving Games, You’re Next, Thor, Full Metal Jacket, Alien Resurrection)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Billy Madison, A Haunted House, 300: Rise of an Empire, Cowboys and Aliens, Serendipity)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Stonados, Redemption, Pride and Prejudice, The Contract)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (X-Men: Days of Future Past, Thor: The Dark World, The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (A Haunted House 2, Open Grave, Alien 3, Dark Fury, Midnight Cowboy)

My score for Transformers: Age of Extinction: 95.

An astoundingly fortified film, Transformers: Age of Extinction manages to thrill audiences with a new assortment of personalities both human and alien along with some more special effects from the boom master himself. If you walk out of the theater disappointed after Transformers: Age of Extinction, it’s probably your own fault because you should have known what you were getting into.

Movie Review: The Other Guys

First off, I’d like to apologize to my readers for not writing as much of late. I also apologize for not writing anything aside from my movie reviews and that sadly Open Grave is the only film of 2014 I have had the chance to view. However, spring break is coming up at the end of the week so prepare yourselves for a plethora of current film reviews. I’m also going to try to get in the habit of writing a life post each week, because I want to share a little bit about myself as well as my perspective on life.

Moving on, The Other Guys. I remember when this movie came out but I ended up not seeing it, partially because I’m not that fond of Mark Wahlberg. It’s nothing personal, but at the end of the day I always feel like I’m watching a white guy trying to act like Samuel L. Jackson, except that no one can fully replicate Samuel L. Jackson and while Jackson’s ostentatious vibrato is vibrantly captivating, Wahlberg tends to encompass a white-boy rapper who utilizes the f-bomb to such an absurd proportion that it’s not even funny, it’s just stupid.

Lo and behold, Samuel L. Jackson makes an appearance to start off the film with Wahlberg in the same room, which I was very surprised did not include a “I’m better than you” squabble match between the two, which Wahlberg would have lost. Anyway, Will Ferrell and Wahlberg are one duo who tend to sit in the office and get disrespected day in and day out while Jackson and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson are the duo that blows stuff up and gets stuff done. Right off the bat, I’m intrigued and at the same time perturbed because I’m not sure how director Adam McKay is going to split the film’s running time between such great duos of actors. I say duos, as in plural, because within the first couple minutes I know that Wahlberg is going to be more than tolerable for me because of the character he is enfolding. He’s a character, Terry Hoitz, who’s tired of being pushed around and overlooked and is tired of being surrounded by his mild-mannered partner Allen Gamble (Ferrell), who thinks everything is wonderful and life couldn’t get better. He’s far too happy and upbeat for Hoitz, who just wants Gamble to shut up and come down from his pedestal on happy land. It’s a character I can relate to because on occasion it exemplifies the relationship that my roommate, Jon, and I share. In the morning, Jon says hello to every person we walk by and I don’t talk to anyone till I’ve had my breakfast so I don’t say anything, which means I get unpleasant looks from the people walking by, which I then put on Jon, etc. We’re just on two different planets at that time of day, where as Hoitz and Gamble seem to be on different planets at all times of the day.

So there’s potential there for sure, but there’s also Samuel L. Jackson and The Rock, who are entertaining and already have a full-out dynamic chemistry going within the first couple scenes, leaving the audience pulled in two different directions of which group they want to follow. McKay makes the decision for us, killing off Jackson and Johnson in perhaps the dumbest death scene I have ever seen. It is illogical and so stupid that it’s not even funny, it’s just like, “Well that was probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen and now I’m really pissed.” So there’s that and while it helps push the story forward and bring Ferrell and Wahlberg to the spotlight, it also takes a lot of air out of the sails that could have taken the film so much farther than it goes. This movie could have become a comedic hilarity with some of the most elite actors in the business. Would the plot have been shaken a lot and been hard to write? I’m sure, but a series of random jokes loosely tied to reality featuring Jackson, Johnson, Ferrell and Wahlberg delivering the punch lines I think would have been a huge success, which only saddened me because of the potential the film let go to waste.

Ferrell and Wahlberg still deliver plenty of humor and originality through the script and dialogue but at some points beat the comedic horse to death, resurrect the horse, kill it again, and resurrect it yet a third time before finally decapitating it for the final hurrah that really isn’t a hurrah at all but rather a long sigh from the audience that may or may not include a “Thank God” declaration from an individual viewer or the only group of sober people in the audience. I think this film is aimed at the same group of people that Happy Madison Productions tends to target, college kids who may be currently involved in a drinking binge and want something to look at that has the possibility of being more attractive than their trashed counterparts. It could be something incredibly dumb and make no sense but chances are if you put in a minimal amount of effort and smile you’ll get the drunkards pissing their pants and howling to the moon. Since I’m sober and not wasted out of my mind, I end up looking at the jokes and thinking, “Was that supposed to be funny or did the screenwriters just draw a blank in the middle of the script?”

Thankfully not all the jokes are as ill-founded as the ones I describe above because there’s some serious gumption (which means shrewd or spirited initiative and resourcefulness, I didn’t know that either) to some of the lines that Ferrell and Wahlberg get the chance to deliver. The comedic timing is pretty good and the jokes themselves are random and although not completely slapdash (which means careless; bet you didn’t know that one), they can be at times, which is okay because it’s fun.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Mission Impossible, Mission Impossible II, Mission Impossible III)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Iron Man, Lone Survivor, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Next Three Days, Basic)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (21 Jump Street, Escape Plan, Captain America: The First Avenger, Dawn of the Dead, Flyboys)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Disaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Aliens, Alien Resurrection, Full Metal Jacket, Thor, You’re Next)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black, Alien, Serendipity, Cowboys and Aliens)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice, Redemption)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears, Thor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy, Dark Fury, Alien 3, Open Grave)

My score for The Other Guys: 81. 

We get some spastic punches from The Other Guys, but the fact that you watch further potential and what could have been get smashed on the pavement is discouraging. It’s a fun watch for the most part that clears the average barrier, but isn’t doing quite enough to be memorable for me.

Movie Review: Lone Survivor

I hadn’t planned to see this but happy I did.

Lone Survivor depicts a failed U.S. Navy SEALs mission in Afghanistan. Our four main characters are played by Mark Wahlberg, Taylor Kitsch from Battleship, Emile Hirsch, and Ben Foster. All hold their own in their roles. Foster always gives solid performances. He’s an actor you can count on. Hirsch doesn’t bring anything extravagant to the table but he keeps you interested. I felt Kitsch had some potential in Battleship and he proves me right here. Now to Wahlberg. I’m going to be honest, I’m not a huge fan of the guy. He’s a guy who seems to play the same role in everything except that it’s not always cool. Sometimes he comes across as too brazen, although some of the roles he takes call for such acting, and originality is hard to pull out when you play the same role every time. When it comes to stereotypical acting, I’m more likely to pull out a Liam Neeson or Jason Statham movie then I am a Wahlberg movie. However, Wahlberg was made for this role and for this movie. This is the character that Wahlberg was born to play. He gives the audience stuff they’ve seen plenty of times but adds some extra spice to the mix with some serious, engaging dialogue and action scenes. The characters are people in this, not expendable action figures where they blow something up and then die. These are human beings with families back home, fighting for a country that believes in values like freedom and that alone is enough reason to fight for them.

This movie is brutal. When I say brutal, I mean that in the utmost sense of the word. This is a war film and director Peter Berg does no sugar-coating with this material. He shows it to you as it is and as it was, never extinguishing the fires of intensity, horror, or pure adrenaline that this film has to offer. At times, it can be hard to watch, watching characters continue to fight despite bullet holes in their bodies, ears half-blown off, fingers totally blown off. It’s not quite to the plateau that Saving Private Ryan reached, but it is up there. They’re not the best action scenes I’ve seen, but when it comes to hardcore realism, it’s high on the ladder.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Just Go With It, Real Steel, Miracle, Scrooge, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Gangster Squad, Elf, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, Poseidon, Iron Man)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Usual Suspects, 21 Jump Street, Escape Plan, Captain America: The First Avenger, Dawn of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Disaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Along Came Polly, Aliens, Alien Resurrection, Full Metal Jacket, Thor)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black, Alien, Serendipity)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice, Redemption)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears, Thor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy, Dark Fury, Alien 3)

My score for Lone Survivor: 85.

It’s grotesque and difficult to view, but Berg’s war story feature is one worth watching, one that commemorates the sacrifices our troops made and continue to make today.