Movie Review: Thor: The Dark World

The sequel to Thor hit theaters this month and while I’m not a fan of Thor, I thought I’d go see it for the heck of it and to let you guys know what I thought of it.

First, they give us some mandatory background information about the Aether,  a weapon that the dark elf Malekith intended to use to make the whole universe fall into darkness. However, Odin’s father, Bor, succeeded in capturing the Aether and storing it in a secret place where no one could find it. Unless you’re Natalie Portman of course, then you can happen to fall in every pitfall and dung heap on the planet, finding every not-of-this-earth thing, and nearly ending the world’s existence as well as billions of human lives, all for the sake of science.

In case you haven’t gotten the hint yet, I don’t like Jane Foster. She’s the most hopeless person yet Thor still cares for her and I’ll never know why, especially when he’s got Sif the warrior princess on his side, who has more smarts, virtues, and looks then Foster.

Foster manages to find the Aether after being sucked through a doorway by who knows what and this is after they find a floating tractor trailer in an abandoned warehouse and a portal that makes things disappear and reappear right above the portal only to disappear again and the cycle continues, except that sometimes it doesn’t work but no one knows why or will find out.

So starts a movie with some of the worst screenwriting in the history of cinema. If you want to talk about convenient circumstances in film, here’s a movie for you. You need more conflict? Here’s yet another useless subplot. There are so many conflicts that could have been avoided if our heroes would have just used their brains. You think it can’t get worse but it does.

The movie tries to give us some entertainment through Loki’s one-liners, but Tom Hiddleston can only do so much. Chris Hemsworth as well as Hiddleston are worthy of much better material then this and I have a hard time believing that they were happy with the final product. The supporting cast aside from Hiddleston is mediocre at best if not worse, although it’s not the actors. It’s the guys giving them their scripts.

I had no interest in finishing this movie it was so terrible. The action scenes aren’t even worth the wait. The third act is hard to follow and I’ll explain why in the spoiler’s edition. The filmmakers try to intertwine the story with earth’s fate except that it’s far too confusing to accomplish. The scientists try to explain the situation through complicated scientific jargon that no one who isn’t in that area of expertise can follow, which means that we miles be listening to babies trying to shout off the theory of relativity because that happening has the same chance of success as the audience understanding what the heck is going on.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z, 42, Just Go With It, Real Steel)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (White House Down, Jobs, The Truman Show, The Hunger Games, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Usual Suspects, 21 Jump Street, Escape Plan, Captain America: The First Avenger, Dawn of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Disaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Total Recall, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Along Came Polly, Aliens, Alien Resurrection)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black, Alien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy, Dark Fury, Alien 3)

My score for Thor: The Dark World: 29.

There’s no character connection to speak of and it is subplot and plot hole galore up in here. Natalie Portman makes me want to throw up she’s so bad. I haven’t done that many facepalms during one movie in a long time.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

First, how the heck does Foster find that floating tractor trailer? How has no one besides those kids found that thing yet? What pulled her through that doorway and better still, how was it that the portal she happened to go through happened to put her right next to the Aether, the same place that Odin’s father, Bor, said no one would find it? Did a portal just happen to materialize right next to the thing and if so, how did that happen? Does the Aether have the power to create portals? How does she get transported back but have no recollection of what just happened? Did anyone else find that a little convenient?

The gatekeeper said that he could see 10 million souls and the instant that Foster is fused with the Aether, he says he can’t see her. This suggests that he has the eyes of a hawk, correct? Remember that, because I’m going to come back to that. I’m trying to do everything in chronological order. Thor picks her up and takes her back to Asgard and the nurses look her over and then Odin comes in, except that the nurses turn off the monitors that show there’s some red specimen in her right before he comes in. Don’t you think your king might want to take a look? Then someone touches her and gets shocked back. Why is it that Thor can touch her and nothing happens to him? Then Odin’s like, “What’s this?” You mean no one was told a bedtime story about this battle that happened hundreds of years ago that involved one of the most powerful forces known to man? No one wrote anything down? Malekith wakes up as soon as the Aether is moved. Does he have a physical connection to it? We have to assume that’s the case because he seems to know where it is at all times.

One of Malekith’s loyal companions volunteers to turn himself into a Kursed, an enhanced warrior, and joins the prisoners from the assault earlier in the movie without anyone noticing him so that he can cause havoc inside Asgard and destroy the shields which I’ll discuss soon. There’s like 20 prisoners maximum. You mean the Asgardian troops can’t remember the faces of 20 people and see that guy wasn’t one of them?

Malekith comes in an armada that has camouflage shields on and the guy with the eyes of a hawk doesn’t see them until they’re right in front of his face. I thought you could see 10 million souls, dude? You telling me if they have shields you can’t see diddly-squat? Then the artillery guys are already at their posts even though they weren’t warned about the army coming. Do those guys man their artillery guns every time there’s a prison break? Speaking of prison breaks, the loyal companion dude turns himself into a Kursed and breaks the prison shield in like three punches. How can their shields be that bad? If the cells are that easy to break out of, then why hasn’t Loki attempted an escape yet? Odin sends a couple guards to guard the shield generator even though Odin is the one with the power stick. Seconds after the shields are turned on, the Kursed knocks them out. If the shields are that important, why isn’t Odin there with the guards to protect it? What’s he doing during this whole invasion anyway? Better yet, why aren’t the shields on all the time?

After Thor’s attempt to destroy the Aether fails (by the way, was anyone surprised that it didn’t work? And Loki dying? Really? That’s never going to happen.), Thor and Foster happen to find the portal that goes back to the warehouse with the floating tractor trailer. Are you kidding me? That doesn’t happen!!! There’s a bunch of scenes with Kat Dennings, and while I love her, why is she in this movie? Better yet, why is any of Foster’s entourage in this? They’re not necessary to the story and it’s just distracting the audience from what we actually care about: Thor! Denning’s character is about to be killed by some of the dark elves, but the intern finds a floating car and slams it down on them. What?! He’s not Superman, what the heck? That’s so stupid! The whole fight scene between Thor and Malekith, they keep getting thrown into invisible portals and sent all over the universe. Thor keeps asking for his hammer, but the hammer keeps leaving earth to try to find Thor in an alternate dimension, then Thor’s back on earth so the hammer has to turn around and fly back and then Thor’s transported again and the cycle continues. The hammer doesn’t even know what the heck is going on! Why are there so many portals to alternate dimensions all over the place? I’m pretty sure this would never happen. Also, Thor manages to defeat Malekith, who has the power of the Aether, with MAN-MADE TECHNOLOGY!!! Are you kidding me?! One of the most powerful forces in the universe controlled by an Elf king and all you need is some scientific hardware to defeat him?! THAT’S SO STEWPID!!!!!!!!! Once they finally get the Aether, Thor’s friends are told to get it to a collector because “it’s dangerous to have two power stones together.” You just spent the whole movie getting this thing and now that you finally have it you’re going to give it to some collector guy instead of just putting it in a different place in your city or better yet, hiding it in a different place where random portals don’t appear out of thin air?! Then to end the movie, Loki actually didn’t die, although I think everyone knew this or should have known this. Loki shape shifted into the same soldier that he transformed into when he was joking with Thor on their way to encounter the elvin king that he shape shifts into when he goes to kill Odin. This movie is so stupid! These screenwriters should never be allowed to write again. And just for the sake of it, there were 34 question marks in the spoiler’s edition because this movie makes no sense.