Movie Review: Underworld: Evolution

Two words: character development. (Say it like you’re in an echo chamber for dramatic effect)

Underworld: Evolution isn’t an evolution nor a revolution. It’s a destabilizing presence, one that pushes me to the precipice of tolerance.

Wiseman’s second departure from the set is a clogged drainage pipe filled with convenience and cliché, sealed together with a solemn dialect of common abandonment it itself created. It’s no wonder a community doesn’t want to be associated with a product of formidable fabrication. A puppet act is fruitless if you can see the mind pulling the strings.

This is why all of the goals this film attempts to accomplish are so brazenly obvious, leaving Evolution falling on its face like a drunk girl on five-inch heels at a rave. With the little dignity it possesses, Evolution goes on a pleasant stroll through the park while discussing a near 600-year war that is of little consequence to us. While unfettered, Evolution is more than content to walk in the same footsteps it did the last time they went through this debris field. Undeterred by feedback and uninfluenced by common sense or basic luxury, Wiseman remains stringent in the detailing of this absurd fiction that gets more complex as it progresses rather than less.

The plot bounces on a trampoline, believing motion, not weight, equates to intrigue. Wiseman’s proclivity for plot twists rivals Shyamalan here, though to Shyamalan’s credit, he always knew how many was enough.

Wiseman is not a wise man here, parading plot twist after plot twist with the apparent objective of seeing how many times he can flip us on our heads rather than give us a coherent story that makes any semblance of sense.

After revelations aplenty, Evolution becomes a Clue gameplay more than a movie. It’s more about finding the answers than it is about the natural growth of the characters and slow but adept formation of the plot. Evolution is a poorly done television crime drama, not a movie.

In between following the bread crumbs, Kate Beckinsale is left with a character who changes at the whim of a pen stroke. Random traumas are thrown in for giggles it seems while Beckinsale is supposed to filter through all of it and find some worthwhile message, lesson or trait to stir up any halfhearted appeal.

Underworld: Evolution gasps for air the entire running time and all I could wish for was some magician would come into the production and do this film a mercy by instilling some talent into this or a doctor would arrive and put it out of its misery. Clearly no magician found this 2006 fantasy worthy of his talents. Doctors evidently labeled it a lost cause not worth treating. It’s hard to blame either professional for hightailing it out of there after viewing ominous red flags.

As I mentioned earlier, the phrase character development remains ringing in my ear. 2003’s Underworld didn’t have much advancement in terms of character and yet for reasons unknown ($), here I am again, sitting in front of a presentation that has more questions but not more answers, except for the five-minute excerpt in which one character obviously has all the answers and proceeds to rattle them off like an expositional megaphone or an overly intoxicated person who happens to know everything there is to know about everyone. I’m unsure if this person is a Jeopardy champion in this universe or if Wiseman has a screenwriter come on screen for this part of the action. It’s as off-putting as it sounds, destroying any natural rhythm Evolution might but probably never did have.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Captain America: Civil War, Deadpool, Avengers: Age of Ultron, The Avengers, The Babadook)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Olympus Has Fallen, The Cable Guy, The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Running Man, 10 Cloverfield Lane, Creed, Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, Crimson Peak)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Batman Forever, The Crow, Hardcore Henry, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Underworld, The Do-Over, X-Men: Apocalypse, D-Tox/Eye See You, Constantine)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Batman & Robin, Bloodsport, War, The Ridiculous 6, The Lost Boys)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Crow: City of Angels, Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (Avalanche Sharks, Catwoman, The Gunman, The Visit, The Fantastic Four)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, The Forbidden Dimensions, Cyborg, Outcast, Sabotage)

My score for Underworld: Evolution: 48.

Teetering on the brink of extinction but adamant to remain, Underworld: Evolution breathes desperation. It’s a film willing to do anything in the name of survival, the sad, lonely and pitiful existence that it is.

Movie Review: Underworld

Len Wiseman’s Underworld is another page in the vampire/werewolf fantasy genre that doesn’t fit.

The problem with this oversaturated platform is everyone’s desire to distinguish themselves as individuals. Almost universally, creating your own identity is a good thing. It simplifies or further complicates your product, both of which can work if executed correctly. It gifts your own space to create without other similar entities invading your work space.

The complication with this niche is the space allotted to it is the equivalent of the closet Harry Potter lives in at the Dursley’s. The creative balcony is spacious but due to overpopulation, the cupboard under the stairs metaphor works quite nicely here. There are too many people fighting for the same real estate.

Everyone who enters this business, specifically the vampire/werewolf enterprise, is bent on forming their own mythology. In addition to becoming a mandatory part of every exercise into these woods, it shortens screen time and leaves some films stuck in the mud, specifically those who don’t properly detail the rules in their realm.

Underworld‘s title is almost ironic because Wiseman’s world is so underwhelming. It’s amorphous and vague. What are the rules? In your imagination, what can vampires and werewolves do and what can’t they? These are basic questions and yet by the end, they’re still there. This film’s backdrop was not designed by a showman or creative mind. It was made by someone in a hurry.

Disagree with me if you will but this isn’t rocket science. If anything, I’d think it would be the fun part. You get to be the architect of your movie’s formation, the interior designer of your sets and the illustrator of your story. Why do I get the impression the blueprint for Underworld was scrawled on a used napkin in a crumbling Burger King?

Between Wiseman’s hesitation to say anything thematically to the lack of Gothic aesthetic you would think would be pummeled down my throat during a vampire/werewolf combo to the stunt choreography that feels written to the beat of a Taylor Swift pop anthem to the acting gigs stolen from a soap opera, Underworld is a mess.

Back when the vampires vs. werewolves plot line was still running rampant in the early 2000’s, Wiseman put together this farce. Werewolves and vampires in a war…..wait for it….using guns.

Why? Why would vampires and werewolves use guns? Guns are expensive. Changing into killing machines is free and timeless. What possible rationale do you have for using guns?

In the opening monologue, we’re told this war has been going on for nearly six centuries. Given their accuracy, I can believe that.

There seems to be a time in every film where our hero is put in a perilous situation and manages to somehow, through physical prowess or by the grace of the screenwriter, get out of it. Imagine watching a film where this constantly happens. It steals tension from the grips of movement and rips the emotion from the dance of vicious choreography. It is an offbeat arpeggio more than it is a synchronous chord.

Underworld is out of rhythm though the argument could be made they never started one. They were a conductor who stepped onto the stage and never bothered to finesse his magical wand to the flurry of instruments and talents available to him. They awkwardly postured, almost modeled but what impression can a body in a tuxedo make when compared to the masterpiece of an orchestra’s output?

Underworld is an oddly placed sculpture on a New York City sidewalk. There are moments of curiosity but the question, “Why is this here?” persists.

Built on mythology we are never gifted to, its watch-as-you-go approach is overly aggravating and many components of the story’s tale seem unlikely if not impossible. For example, we are told vampires have been winning this war but for the entirety of the film, the werewolves dominate, which makes sense because werewolves are werewolves and vampires have little fangs and in this universe, no ability to fly.

It’s a plot-driven story with little to no emotion. Kate Beckinsale’s role is attempted but not steered. As a whole ensemble, Underworld‘s stakes aren’t sold as dire. The characters are never in real danger of anything, made all the more evident when random bodies are strung over the set in an attempt to add any sort of suspense.

As you sit through Beckinsale monologue after Beckinsale monologue and follow a vampire who evidently has an unhealthy obsession with Sherlock Holmes, view Scott Speedman play clueless protagonist number one and watch Bill Nighy do what Bill Nighy does, you start to slowly piece together the shards from other ideas and previous makings and realize Underworld is neither creative nor a world of its own, yet the title is still appropriate. This movie is Underworld in the sense that it belongs under the world or at the very least in an alleyway next to a sewer cap.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Captain America: Civil War, Deadpool, Avengers: Age of Ultron, The Avengers, The Babadook)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Olympus Has Fallen, The Cable Guy, The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Running Man, 10 Cloverfield Lane, Creed, Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, Crimson Peak)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (The Crow, Hardcore Henry, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Do-Over, X-Men: Apocalypse, D-Tox/Eye See You, Constantine, Race)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Batman & Robin, Bloodsport, War, The Ridiculous 6, The Lost Boys)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Crow: City of Angels, Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados, Redemption)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (Avalanche Sharks, Catwoman, The Gunman, The Visit, The Fantastic Four)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, The Forbidden Dimensions, Cyborg, Outcast, Sabotage)

My score for Underworld: 52.

Riddled with misfirings, all audiences can do is watch Underworld clomp along in the muck like a depressed artist drowning himself in hopelessness, dreaming of what could have been as he makes his long journey home empty-handed.

Movie Review: Total Recall

My family got this at a movie exchange the other day and they watched it without me and said it was pretty good, with the look in their eyes that said, “Tim, you should watch this and write a review on it.” You’re welcome, family.

First off, you have Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) going to a crappy job in the current United Kingdom, now called the United Federation of Britain, after traveling from current-day Australia, now the Colony, through the Earth’s core to the UFB. That is already a lot to take in, but the movie just keeps on moving. Doug is tired of his uneventful life and decides to visit the Total Recall center, a place where people can experience real-life situations or lives that the person never got the chance to live. For example, maybe someone wants to pretend to be a spy for a day, which is what Doug ends up choosing. He’s about to get hooked up and then alarms start going off, the doctor pulls a gun out of nowhere, and starts screaming at Doug, “You’re a spy, who sent you here?!”, followed by at least a dozen police officers coming in and shooting up the place and telling Doug to get on his knees with his hands above his head. Wait, what? Let’s slow down here a little bit. Well, the whole premise is that Doug went into one of these mind experiences, right? Or is this for real? So it’s one of those two…okay.

Yeah, that’s the reaction that most people will probably have after this because you don’t really get a chance to think about it for a little bit during boring dialogue because everything is happening so fast. I can appreciate this, because this is usually how I like my movies, unless there are too many confusing aspects to the movie, so many that I kinda want to pause the movie every ten minutes to re-collect my thoughts and make sure I’m understanding everything correctly.

I realized half way through that this was like a poor man’s Jason Bourne in a futuristic society. Doug, if that’s even his name, doesn’t know who he is, just as Bourne doesn’t know who he is. While the concept of having to defend yourself against a bunch of people trying to kill you and trying to figure out who you are at the same time is an interesting concept, there’s one major flaw that I don’t think filmmakers realize: If the main character doesn’t know who he is, how is the audience supposed to know who he is? If your main character can’t share anything about himself with the audience because he doesn’t know who he is, where is the character development going to come from? The only way to find out more about Doug is to hope the people trying to kill him open their mouths and say something relevant, which is a little hard since they’re going through intense fight scenes and Doug is killing them one after another.

The plot is also very similar to a typical I-don’t-know-what’s-going-on-or-who-I-am-but-I-can-fight-like-a-boss movie. After dealing with the police officers, he runs back home to his wife and starts saying what happened, and Kate Beckinsale just plays dumb, saying, “No you didn’t honey, everything’s fine” blah, blah, blah. He also finds out more about himself in, who would have guessed, a safe-deposit box, where he finds numerous fake passports and various currencies. Sounds familiar, *cough* Bourne *cough*. He then finds a secret recording that can answer questions but only if Doug asks the right ones. This also sounds familiar, *cough* I Robot *cough*. While the futuristic setting is enticing, I want to understand what’s going on before being stunned with creative visuals that seem to pawn off other films, such as I Robot and Minority Report.

Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel do their part but nothing special. Farrell does the best he can but when your script says something like the following, there’s only so much you can do: “You don’t know what’s going on. Continue to ask questions such as ‘who am I, why am I being chased, and what happened to me’, except use different wording each time you decide to regurgitate this information.’

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z, 42)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Star Trek Into Darkness, Now You See Me, Man of Steel, Monster-In-Law, White House Down)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion, The Wolverine, Jagged Edge)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Hobbit, After Earth, Road to Perdition)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy)

My score for Total Recall: 56. 

I’ll admit I wasn’t wild about the Bourne movies, but those movies had some sick action scenes. I also cared about the characters despite not knowing a lot about them. The Bourne movies bested Total Recall in both areas. I just don’t get enough character development or character connection to really care for Doug all that much. It was an average movie, but nothing more.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

I never really learn who Jessica Biel is other than Matthias’ lieutenant. The only thing that makes her good is she’s not shooting at Doug and the audience is kinda stuck with going, “I guess she’s a good guy???” I was waiting for her to have a short monologue describing the relationship that Doug and her had before or something, but I didn’t get that. When they go to visit Matthias in the danger zone, Doug’s evil wife and the chancellor somehow show up in what felt like a minute and a half after they arrive. The filmmakers showed Doug and Jessica Biel looking back quite often to see if anyone was following them, so how did they find them? Does Doug have a tracker inside him or something? We never find out.

Something else that bothered me was the character of Charles Hammond, played by Dylan Scott Smith. Google didn’t even bother putting him on the cast list on the top bar so I had to search for him a little before I could even find who played him. While the Google cast list may not think he’s important, I think he’s one of the main problems of this movie for me. After the first fight with his wife, Doug gets a phone call from inside his hand from Hammond, who won’t tell him much of anything besides “get to this safe deposit box” and “I can’t talk long”. “Who is this guy?” I asked myself. “Well, I guess the movie will tell me later because there’s no way they would just leave me hanging.” After the chancellor kills Matthias, they take Jessica Biel and have a few soldiers stay back to retrigger Doug’s memory and bring the patriotic soldier that was Carl Hauser back. One of the soldiers ends up to be Hammond, who ends up freeing Doug’s bonds and killing all the other guards while getting shot himself. Hammond dies before Doug can get up and say anything. “Wait what? Who is Hammond?! Who WAS Hammond?!” The audience is just like, “Well..I guess he was a good guy on the inside.” We just have to assume that’s the case. You know what I hate doing when watching a movie? Having to assume that something is the way it is because the filmmakers were too lazy to tell me who someone was or why something happened! Just like I had to choose at the beginning whether this was for real or not because it wasn’t clear enough if it was for real or not. I thought he was having a total recall experience, only to find out at the end of the movie that it was all for real, all because this guy was too lazy to say what the frack is going on! And this is the same guy who directed the masterpiece Live Free or Die Hard?! Makes me want to throw up!