It was nearly midnight on a Saturday night by the time Jon and I finished Alien. After that crappy movie, I was ready to hit the hay, but our mutual friend Alex insisted that we had to watch Sharknado. Everyone I know says it’s like the worst movie ever so I really didn’t want to watch it, but Alex insisted and so did Jon so we gave it a go. Another bonus roommate edition!
Tim: The actors act like they just came out of high school. They’re putrid.
Jon: I’m pretty sure my high school acts better.
Tim: Once again, don’t know any of the characters’ names except for George because they say his name like fifteen times.
Jon: I knew Nova.
Tim: Based off the picture assigned to the cast list I’m looking at, I know who you’re talking about. I referred to her as third-rate Snookie.
Jon: We had third-rate Snookie, Australian Jesus…
Tim: You mean second rate-Jason Statham?
Jon: Haha, yeah, same guy.
Tim: The visuals in this movie are really, really bad. It’s like effects from the 1940’s or something. The special effects team for this movie should be ashamed of themselves.
Jon: The waves in my bathtub look more menacing than those waves.
Tim: Similar to Alien, a large amount of plot holes.
Jon: But yet this one wrapped up nicer.
Tim: Yes, it did. The acting is horrible, the plot was probably created by a third-grader, and the special effects probably could have been done by a third-grader, so I’m going to go out on a limb and say this movie was probably directed by a third-grader.
Jon: I was waiting for them to add zombie sharks.
Tim: Yep, horrible all around, except for one thing. This movie…is freaking hilarious! This movie is so bad, but so incredibly comedic that you can’t help but love it. Easily some of the hardest laughing I’ve had from a movie in the past year and overall.
Jon: It’s so bad, but I hurt myself laughing.
Tim: You just can’t take it seriously and it could be called the worst movie ever by some, but we just couldn’t look away because we were too busy dying of laughter.
Jon: This is also the most convenient movie in history. Liquor store that sells food (bananas?), used movie car lot right across the road, random “surplus” store right next to the airport that has ONE functioning helicopter and a really crappy tin roof.
Tim: Let’s not forget the car they got from the used movie car lot that had nitrous in it, and that they were driving at 180 miles an hour but the driver was still turning the steering wheel at least 90 degrees on a regular basis. And that’s only some of the hilarity I get out of this. The corny dialogue, the unneeded carnage, the super-cliched character interactions…
Jon: That’s about right. Let’s not forget…
Tim: Hang on, Jon, it’s not spoilers yet.
Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.
90-100 It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3, World War Z, 42, Just Go With It)
80-89 It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Man of Steel, Monster-In-Law, White House Down, Jobs, The Truman Show)
70-79 It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Oblivion, The Wolverine, Jagged Edge, Elysium, Shaun of the Dead)
60-69 It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim, The Long Kiss Goodnight)
50-59 This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (After Earth, Road to Perdition, Total Recall, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Along Came Polly)
40-49 This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games, The Great Gatsby, Pitch Black, Alien)
30-39 Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The Contract, Pride and Prejudice)
20-29 What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)
0-19 Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy, Dark Fury)
My score for Sharknado: 70.
The plot is an E, the characters and development are an E, and so are the visuals, but the entertainment is an A+. I’d love to score this movie higher because it’s so funny, but I have to grade on all the elements, not just the entertainment factor.
*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!
*SPOILER’S EDITION*
Tim: Easily the funniest part of this movie is when a shark comes flying at the main character. Apparently his name is Fin, but I wouldn’t know that. Anyway a shark comes flying at him and engulfs him while he is holding a chainsaw. He then cuts his way out and then leans back in to pull out third-rate Snooki, who was gobbled in the middle of the air by one of the hundred sharks and somehow Fin picks the same one. The fact that he had the chainsaw on when it enveloped him would make one believe he would have chopped third-rate Snooki to bits, but apparently the laws of physics do not apply to him.
Jon: See how convenient this is! A lot of physics don’t apply when you’re in a shark. My favorite part of the movie is when he’s standing by himself, a shark comes at him, and he turns on a chainsaw and cuts it in half vertically while it’s in the middle of the air.
Tim: That would probably be my second placer.
Jon: My two sad parts are when George dies and the daughter doesn’t die.
Sidenote: At least the daughter doesn’t find love like everyone else. Like third-rate Snooki: she’s in love with her boss the whole movie until she meets his son and is like, “Oh, I’ll just tell him all my problems and love him instead.” Probably because he can fly a helicopter and I can’t. And then the dad falls in love with his ex again. “Oh, shark ate your boyfriend? I’ll be your rebound guy.”
And the daughter picks the worst time to have daddy issues. There are sharks all over the place and all she can do is complain about how they want to save her brother. Daddy’s solution: Remember sweetie, I came for you first.
Tim: Yes, yes, and yes. All good points. This movie is super-cliched and it should be written in big, red ink on the cover.
Jon: I’m not trying to knock how funny the movie is, I’m just trying to point out all the massive issues. The characters thought this movie was so bad that they were putting clothes back on. At least in Alien we got two strip teases.
Tim: What was the second one?
Jon: When the guy wakes up from cryo sleep and is 95% naked. Guy eye candy and girl eye candy.
Tim: Equal rights, bud! But seriously, I had no want for a Sigourney Weaver striptease. It was repulsive.
Jon: It was pretty bad. Back on topic now.
Tim: Oh yes, Sharknado. One of the worst movies movie-wise, but one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen. I would strongly suggest you watch it. That way you can be prepared for the sequel SyFy is making: Avalanche Sharks. I’m sure it will be just as atrocious and just as hilarious.
Jon: Moral of the story: don’t try to dodge the Hollywood sign like a ninja. You will still die.
wordsofwistim 