Tag Archives: samuel l jackson movies

Movie Review: Kong: Skull Island

Image result for kong skull island movie posterKing Kong will forever be a blot on Peter Jackson’s filmography. I will be watching that movie this week and I’m not looking forward to it. King Kong‘s pacing never falls into sync, nor does the movie ever become about King Kong, which is probably the most fatal of all the flaws that movie has.

Where King Kong dramatically fails at presenting King Kong as this monstrosity to be feared, Kong: Skull Island commits the opposite cardinal flaw: character writing.

If you want to see a good old-fashioned monster movie, Kong: Skull Island is for you. We have a monster tearing stuff apart and beating things senseless at will with no collateral damage to be concerned about. You can watch this film completely unabated. That also means there is no tension here, which is a rather monster-sized problem for a monster movie. A behemoth is certainly threatening on size alone, but the suspension of those killing strokes is the difference between a good and great movie, a distinction that director Jordan Vogt-Roberts, swinging the baton in only his third concerto, doesn’t have the experience to recognize.

Watching Kong smash things and find creative ways to shoot helicopters out of the sky is certainly interesting. Watching an ape punch other monsters in the face will certainly lead to giddy rounds of applause and shocked exclamations of “NO, HE DIDN’T” from the crowd, but watching Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, John Goodman, Samuel L. Jackson and John C. Reilly get together for a character lineup as depressing as the Browns depth chart is ultimately a mortal wound.

Brie Larson won the Academy Award for Best Actress in 2015, yet the script gives her nothing to work with. The intimidating presence that is John Goodman is given a few introductory scenes to rev up the engine that is the plot before falling into the shadows, never to peek out again. Tom Hiddleston is underused to an absurd proportion, leaving only Jackson and Reilly to instill some sort of human presence through their charisma alone.

Vogt-Roberts made his name via Kings of Summer, a coming-of-age tale predicated by human interaction. Kong: Skull Island is the exact opposite of that, and not in a positive way. It makes you wonder if the writer of Kings of Summer, Chris Galletta, deserved the credit.

I’ve held on to this review a while, longer than I had planned to, but it has allowed me to ponder what I’ve seen a while longer and the more I think about it, the more I realize there’s no human connection here. Jackson’s version had human connection to the point of overdramatization and eventually became a disorganized piano, with keys switched all over the board that no one could play a coherent tune on it, only select phrases via luck. Vogt-Roberts, with a finely tuned organ, has, essentially, slammed on the keys like a raging toddler, producing such a weak plot line that he then got up from the organ, went up to a chalkboard and wrote, in crayon (just because), “KONG SMASH THINGS.” Again, if you want a stereotypical monster movie, the theaters have one for you, but if you’re looking for a great Kong movie, this isn’t it. It’s quite a ways away from that.

If it wasn’t for the masterpiece that was Logan (I want to watch it a second time before writing a review, but if you haven’t seen it yet, strongly encouraged), it would appear 2017 is the year of the non-existent character. By that, I mean star-studded casts assembled with the visage of potential but are actually more of an obscene gesture to people who pay to see this content. It’s rude and, more importantly, at least to me, blatantly negligent.

This is why I’m grateful for Kong here, just as I’ve been thankful for Godzilla in plenty of movies and the rather large distraction he provides to the apparent anarchy around him. 2014’s Godzilla had a pull over its audience begotten by command and tease. It had the ominous wind, the pounding of the unseen drums and the horror that Bryan Cranston’s dialogue can provide. It had the pulse-pounding fear and the violin strings. Hell, it had a score that did something for the film. Watch the trailer and remember what this film offered audiences. Kong doesn’t have any of it.

The tone is more, “Action movie for seven-year-olds! Rawr, Slam, Clunk” than “This could be the end of life as we know it.” There’s not much drama here to bring us to the realization of this discovery. I mean, we just found a skyscraper-sized ape. There’s one character in the movie saying, “Wait. Are we really not gonna talk about what just happened?” The line is in there for comedic relief, but it’s a legitimate question for a moviegoer who wanted a true experience. Completely unintentionally, the writers poked a hole in the fabric.

And look, that fabric is pretty much shredded by the end. There aren’t any consequences. There’s no love lost for even one character, though at least Jackson and Reilly are given something to work with. They are by far the most worthwhile personalities here. It’s just a movie that you could get away with watching once and never seeing again. Besides, it’s not like there are any characters asking for you to come back.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Captain America: Civil WarDeadpoolAvengers: Age of UltronThe AvengersThe Babadook)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Olympus Has FallenThe Cable GuyThe Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of Tomorrow)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The InvitationHushGhostbusters (2016)BatmanFree State of Jones)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Doctor StrangeJohnny MnemonicJason BourneSuicide SquadBatman Forever)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Great WallRobin HoodUnderworldThe Do-OverX-Men: Apocalypse)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Underworld: EvolutionBatman & RobinBloodsportWar, The Ridiculous 6)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Most Likely to DieIndependence Day: ResurgenceThe Crow: City of AngelsCenturionPlanet of the Apes)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (Avalanche SharksCatwomanThe GunmanThe VisitThe Fantastic Four)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Coed and the Zombie StonerThe Forbidden DimensionsCyborgOutcastSabotage)

My score for Kong: Skull Island: 79.

Kong: Skull Island is an improvement from Jackson’s version. The action sequences are entertaining, the visuals competent though not overreaching and the zoo of creatures we run into is enough to keep some fascination along for the ride, but once that adrenaline wears off when you leave the theater, you realize there wasn’t a character you could care about. You also realize that it doesn’t have a dramatic gut punch, something that just feels needed in a movie with a monster of that proportion.

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Movie Review: Twisted

I watched this about a month ago and thought it was okay but the review for it got pushed back until I didn’t feel writing one would be fair to the material, which has happened to quite a few films this year. I’m going to try to go back to each one, watch it again and write reviews. Keep in mind that some of these were pretty pitiful and will be painful to relive. Be thankful.

It’s yet another Samuel L. Jackson movie and I’m still not sick of the guy nor do I think I ever will be. Samuel L. Jackson is the man. That’s why I made him my profile picture 🙂

However, the camera focuses on Ashley Judd’s Jessica Shepard, a crime-fighting cop brought into the world by a serial killer.

That alone is intriguing enough to hold my attention. You’d forever have self-identity issues, constantly concerning yourself, wondering if the murderous gene had been passed on to you, if your fate was already predetermined. Could you ever outrun your family’s wrongdoings?

Based off those few ponderings, I was expecting a lot from this character. I mean, this isn’t a drop in the pond of characters. This is some deep material.

Yet Twisted seems oblivious to the expectations of the audience and treats Judd’s Shepard like any other character in a thriller. No special treatment or further effort is put into her. She’s our protagonist and that’s it. The fact that her father was a serial killer and ended his streak by killing her mother before killing himself is apparently not worth remembering.

Philip Kaufman helped write the story for Raiders of the Lost Ark and directed 1978’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers. These are two successful films that had such character writing and I therefore would expect similar results from him here. Twisted was one of the last films he directed so perhaps he just lost the spark in the latter half of his career, but that doesn’t mean his product is going to get viewed any differently by me.

It’s a story that plops and plods along the road rather than sneakily skulking across dark alleyways, which is the manner you would expect a thriller to move. There’s a rat’s portion of suspense at the beginning, but it dwindles down because questionable plot points steal our attention from the tempo and tone at the beginning.

The plot ends up going ahead without its badly needed sidekick, suspense, and suffers greatly for it. Without suspense, many films in the thriller genre struggle to maintain a firm hold on our minds. Without the two-pronged attack of story and seasoning, many stories can come across as bland and seen-before ripoffs. Soon the film’s on its way down a slippery slope of bland characters, cheesy dialogue and boredom.

We’re welcomed into the film’s experience but following the opening scene, we’re almost shooed out the door by the film’s lack of self-confidence. Twisted seems unsure of who it is, as does our focal point Shepard. She has no social life outside of her interactions with co-workers. Her daily life could be summed up in three words: work, drink, sleep. Perhaps that might be okay once in a while, but on a continual basis, that’s pretty depressing.

All of the tape spent on Shepard binge-drinking could have been used on her inner demons, something we actually cared about. No need to bash me over the head with the bottle for fifteen minutes.

Despite Shepard’s mental state, she gets promoted to investigator and gets a new partner, Mike Delmarco (Andy Garcia). Her father’s partner, John Mills (Samuel L. Jackson), raised her and is now the police commissioner so I guess this is what happens when you know people. On the first day, there’s already a brutal murder and Shepard knows him. They had a one-night stand a couple of weeks ago.

That’s yet another part of Shepard’s life that I forgot to mention above. Actually, her life could be summed up in four words: work, sex, drink, sleep.

I like the sleeping with the victim aspect, but question Shepard’s choices. Hooking up in a bar doesn’t make you a bad person, but since we’re talking about someone who is in a fragile mental state, what purpose do one-night stands serve? Pleasure? That’s really all you’re getting out of it. You’re still the same distraught daughter of a serial killer you were before and you still hate yourself. Unless you add nymphomaniac to her character description, which I’ll admit I did, there’s little point to these scenes. The only possible meaning is that all the people she cares about are dying, except for the fact that these were one-night stands and she didn’t really care about them at all,. It was just a sexual hook-up. Yeah, it’s tragic but there wasn’t any lost sleep over these deaths.

Maybe that’s a little heartless on my part, but these middle segments felt overstretched like an over-sized caterpillar trying to keep its front half and its back half together. The wheels were very close to falling off this project and I’m grateful they didn’t but still frustrated this film wasn’t hitting zero to 60 in ten minutes. Let’s go! What are you waiting for? Most of these plot points don’t need to be here!

What I was looking for, personally, was a character profile and I don’t feel my expectation was unwarranted. When your Netflix summary is “Jessica, a cop, is more dedicated to her job than most of her colleagues, as she feels she has a lot to make up for: Her father was a serial killer,” I don’t feel I was being unfair with my expectations. That’s what drew me to this in the first place: cop, her father was a serial killer. That’s a catchy idea, definitely one that I’m sure hooked a lot more fish than me, but the execution is really frustrating. Twisted wastes so much time with Shepard finding bodies with the same M.O. instead of Shepard finding herself, which in my opinion, was the theme this thriller thrillingly ignored. Talk about taking the wind outta the sails.

Instead, Shepard and Delmarco serve as plot-pushers and occasionally have some fair dialogue but don’t contribute much to the film’s afterthoughts and by that I mean, no one really cares. When I leave a film, I like to sit for a few minutes and think about what quintessentially held this film together and made it meaningful/memorable. I sat and thought about Twisted and thought, “The only things this film really succeeded in were the philosophical questions presented before the film even started and casting Samuel L. Jackson because that man is hilarious and commanding in his roles.”

One of those things didn’t even happen in the movie and Samuel L. Jackson was a side role!

My anger aside, Twisted did keep me somewhat interested even though there was no suspenseful draw to it. For example, the film spends a solid half-hour if not more trying to convince us that Shepard committed these murders and I wasn’t buying it for a second. Explanation in the spoiler’s edition.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (American BeautyGone GirlMulanGuardians of the GalaxyDawn of the Planet of the Apes)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2Young Guns)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(SnowpiercerThe FamilyWhen the Game Stands TallBlack Hawk DownRed Dawn(2012))

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (ParkerHouse at the End of the StreetThe RavenDead SnowRubber)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (RageZoolanderThe Expendables 3HomefrontG.I. Joe: Retaliation)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (I, FrankensteinThe Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesBilly MadisonA Haunted House)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (CenturionPlanet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The GreyX-Men: Days of Future PastThor: The Dark WorldThe Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (SabotageGallowwalkersTucker & Dale vs. EvilSafeWatchmen)

My score for Twisted: 64.

All in all, Twisted is not deserving of its 1% on Rotten Tomatoes, but certainly wasted a lot of potential that may have given critics the wrath required to score it that way. The acting was fine, but could not breach the proficient boundary because of the scripting. Honestly, we’re talking about Netflix here and we all know you could do a lot worse than this on there, so don’t let my frustration coming out on the page push you away from giving this a shot. I had some fun with this and I’ll give the writers props for the final third. The twist wasn’t bad, though certainly brings more questions than answers.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

Shepard’s an alcoholic and during one of her binges, passes out but not in the way that people usually pass out. She is very composed, clearly knows how to hold her liquor from her daily experience with it. Then out of the blue she’s dazed, confused and has tunnel vision and passes out flat in three seconds. I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how you pass out. However, I decided it was probably the film being stupid and let it pass. Then she’s drinking at home again and it happens a second time. Again, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how you pass out.

Now, I hate seeing the doctor as much as anyone, but if you pass out like that two separate times in that narrow a time period, you go to the doctor. Shepard doesn’t do that because she’s evidently stupid.

It seemed pretty obvious that she was drugged and I guessed roofies, not because I’m a doctor but because that was the only drug I could think of off the top of my head that could do that. I looked up roofies and researched it a little, searching for if there were any symptoms of complete amnesia. Wikipedia says roofies can cause anterograde amnesia, meaning “loss of the ability to create new memories after the event that caused the amnesia, leading to a partial or complete inability to recall the recent past, while long-term memories from before the event remain intact.”

If I understand that correctly, that means Shepard would have had problems creating memories after the event and would have trouble remembering minute details during the day after. My understanding appeared to be correct as I kept reading: “In cases of pure anterograde amnesia, patients have recollections of events prior to the injury, but cannot recall day-to-day information or new facts presented to them after the injury occurred.”

What all that means is that Shepard would have remembered passing out. She would have known that she had passed out each morning when she woke up, meaning there is no reason why she shouldn’t have seen a doctor and it’s her own stupid fault for continuing to drug herself because of her own ignorance. If she had seen a doctor, she would have found out she’d been drugged and this film would have been over a lot earlier.

Finally, the twist. The whole movie it’s painfully obvious Delmarco is the culprit. He’s constantly peeking around corners, stalking Shepard a few times, smokes and was in the presence of all but one of the victims.

However, the film pegs Samuel L. Jackson’s John Mills as the killer. During a long-winded explanation to Shepard, he admits that he was the one that killed all those people years ago and then killed her mother and father and made it look like her father killed himself over guilt. Then he raised her for those 20-plus years and for some reason, decided to go back to killing people again. Nice twist, except for a few things:

How does a serial killer become the chief of police?

How does a serial killer control his murderous urges for 20-plus years?

How has he not slipped up once during all of this time?

If Mills is that good of a serial killer, how does he allow himself to be caught saying all this while Shepard’s recording all this on her phone, which is in plain sight? It’s in her hand, right next to her other hand, which is holding a gun. It is right there.

Also, if you’ve seen The Negotiator, another Samuel L. Jackson movie, you know that the film ends with Jackson’s character being shot by Kevin Spacey and while he’s lying on the floor in a pool of blood, he records the bad guy admitting to the stolen money, so in a way, this film stole this ending from The Negotiator. It wasn’t even an original idea.

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Movie Review: Basic

[ BASIC POSTER ]A 2003 mystery-thriller with John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson? You got it.

I’ve seen Travolta in plenty of films and he always produces as does the illustrious Jackson. It would be hard for this film to fail given these two actors in the same film but I’ve said that about quite a couple of films that I’ve reviewed and I was proven wrong.

There’s a difference with this one though: I’ve seen it before. Ha!

A Ranger training exercise in Panama goes terribly wrong when only two of the seven come back alive and one is seen killing another. Colonel Styles (Timothy Daly) doesn’t have the utmost confidence that Captain Julia Osborne (Connie Nielsen) can find out what really happened so he calls in a friend, an experienced interrogator named Tom Hardy (Travolta), who’s currently being investigated on suspicion of bribery.

The two people who come back alive are Ray Dunbar and Levi Kendall. Dunbar is the one seen killing his fellow ranger while Kendall is injured during the skirmish.

The plot has the potential to be confusing because Hardy is getting different accounts of what happened from Dunbar and Kendall, but it wasn’t for me. The dialogue can be strained at times because when Dunbar and Kendall tell their respective stories, they give us a flashback and show characters yelling over the hurricane, meaning this isn’t one of those movies where you only have to be half involved to know what’s going on. Nearly everything said involves some sort of plot development, whether it be through Dunbar and Kendall’s accounts of what happened or character interactions.

This film features uncertainty and apprehension as the audience tries to figure out what really happened. While you don’t know what’s going on, it’s not frustrating because you can tell the pieces of the puzzle are coming together.

Travolta is charismatic and authoritative and Jackson even more so. It’s almost as if they’re competing with each other but sadly aren’t on-screen together. However, they’re both dynamic and likable even if they’re rough around the edges.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (ScroogeThe Secret Life of Walter MittyThe Green MileThe Lord of the Rings: The Two TowersThe Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (PoseidonIron ManLone SurvivorThe Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the RingThe Next Three Days)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (21 Jump StreetEscape PlanCaptain America: The First AvengerDawn of the Dead, Flyboys)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss GoodnightDisaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (AliensAlien ResurrectionFull Metal JacketThorYou’re Next)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch BlackAlienSerendipity)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and PrejudiceRedemption)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All FearsThor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark FuryAlien 3Open Grave)

My score for Basic: 89.

You think the movie’s over and then there’s a surprise twist. Then you think it’s over, only to be proven wrong again. And then you’re practically getting out of your chair for a stretch because you’re like it’s got to be done now, and then the biggest twist of all jumps out and grabs you. It’s not a chore sitting through the 98 minute running time nor is it a bore. Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta are a sure thing when it comes to entertaining in Basic. All they have to do is tell the story right.

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Movie Review: The Long Kiss Goodnight

After the bitter taste I got in my mouth after watching Jobs, I decided I needed to watch another movie to get that out of my system so my mom, brother and I ended up watching this 1996 film. The backstory is that Samantha Caine (Geena Davis) has dementia and can’t remember anything from before eight years ago. Through a bunch of surprising, unforeseen circumstances, she discovers she was once a spy and now along with Detective Henessey (Samuel L. Jackson), must finish the mission she failed to complete eight years ago.

First off, there are some serious problems with the “circumstances” that cause her to discover her past, ones I’ll discuss in the spoiler’s edition. All the roles in this movie seem very stereotypical. For example, Samuel L. Jackson is the guy who’s done nothing right his whole life and Samantha’s daughter is the typical “I’ll get myself into dangerous situations whenever possible” child.

The acting is sub-par and the dialogue is cheesy and corny. Like when Samantha meets Dr. Waldman, who tells her what her real name is, what she did, what her mission was, etc., it all seemed really corny for me. Some of the emotional acting that they try to include was so pitiful it actually got me chuckling.

This movie’s special effects team could have really used George Lucas, because he did a better job with his special effects in the Star Wars movies in the ’70’s and ’80’s then this team did in ’96. The explosions were overdone to the point of absurdity with Davis and Jackson naturally missing the explosions by mere inches. Other times, it was very obvious that the backgrounds were computer-generated and I’m someone who doesn’t even pay attention to that stuff.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Now You See MeMan of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House Down, Jobs)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (OblivionThe WolverineJagged EdgeElysium)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific Rim)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The HobbitAfter EarthRoad to PerditionTotal Recall)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot Games)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight Cowboy)

My score for The Long Kiss Goodnight: 66.

Part of me thinks this movie wasn’t meant to be taken seriously because there’s just too much wrong with it. Director Renny Harkin was responsible for Die Hard 2 and Cliffhanger, both of which were good movies. I have trouble believing he could go from Die Hard 2 to crapola. This is one of those bad movies that’s fun to watch and I did enjoy it.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

First off, this movie tells you that Samantha Caine has dementia. That is not the case at all. At one point, her daughter and her go ice skating and her daughter falls and hurts her arm. She skates over and in a demanding, militaristic tone, tells her to get up, and that “pain is life.” What?! First of all, no matter who you are, who talks like that? Life is pain? Pain is life? Are you kidding me? Anyway, you can tell she’s not herself but later complains to her boyfriend that she doesn’t remember what she said to her daughter. Then she gets attacked by some guy who was in prison that saw her on the news in a Christmas parade. Apparently, this guy was sent to kill her and succeeded in shooting her on the side of the head and she fell off a cliff into water with spiked rocks below. He finds out she’s not dead and after escaping goes to finish the job. He dies in like five seconds, which only shows how important his character really was. She ends up killing him after breaking his neck and once again, you can tell she’s not herself. After enough hints, I figured out she had multiple personalities and that in reality her problem wasn’t dementia at all. Her spy personality comes out and starts killing bad guys, blah, blah, blah, and then after she kills everybody, the end of the movie concludes with her boyfriend, daughter and her at some farm hanging out. Narration tells us she kept her job as a school teacher and just goes back to the life she was living. WHAT?! There’s no way that would work, no way. Her daughter is traumatized after all the crap she’s seen by the end of this movie, so how can she be a teacher when it’s evident her own daughter has problems? Finally, Samuel Jackson gets shot up and then miraculously lives to save the day and lives in general, too. I can’t say I saw that happening either. This movie will get some laughs out of you just because it’s that bad, but you’ll probably agree with me that it’s a bad movie that’s fun to watch.

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Film & soundtrack reviews, good humour and lists

pickoftheflix

EMPIRE'S 301 GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME REVIEWED - to watch or not to watch?

Shit Jon Gruden Says

"Spider 2 Y Banana Shake?"

kylerehm005

I will show the world( or whoever reads this) my passion for movies, sports, life and Jesus

ramblingsofsam

A place for sharing, fleshing out, and fine-tuning thoughts and ideas

Mr. Movie's Film Blog

Film and Anime Reviews, new and older releases!

Thomas J

My Journey Through Film

Snap Crackle Watch!

A blog dedicated to television and movies

The Cinema Monster

unparalleled film reviews, news, and top 10s

Silver Screen Serenade

Praising the high notes and lamenting the low notes of all things film and television

Cinema Parrot Disco

Musings on Mainly Movies from a Table 9 Mutant

wordsofwistim

For those searching for wistim regarding life, sports, movies and more