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Movie Review: Everest

Survival. At the most basic level, beyond our emotions and thoughts, survival is what resides. It is a simple and yet extreme notion. It is a brash concept and at times a heartless theme because survival can lead to cannibalism and such. It is a fire we all have inside us and it is one that is hard to combat.

In Everest, we will see a journey of experts and everyday men and women as they test their wills against the worst nature has to offer.

At least that is what we are left to assume. There is a specific scene cataloged in the script where Jon Krakauer, whose novel this film is loosely based on, asks these regular Joes why they want to climb Everest. The room remains silent. Eventually one character will say he talked to a group of kids in a school and wants to prove to them that if he can do the impossible, they can, too. Another will say he feels composed on the mountain, an idea I struggle to accept since he suffers in the cold for the remainder of the film.

This is a missed opportunity for director Baltasar Kormakur, who directed the buddy cop film 2 Guns, starring Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg. There are a lot of people who do not climb mountains and a large majority of them have never considered climbing one of the seven summits let alone Everest. That leaves the film with an uneducated and uninformed audience who knows little about the motivations or emotions involved with such a trek and yet the writing that can hook the audience in is left vague and to compound the problem, shooed under the rug. Removed from the thrill and rush that climbers may or may not receive from this film, the payoff of Everest is unclear if not non-existing.

This makes Everest‘s debut all the more depressing because at the beginning of 2016, the film’s eventual release was swarming with Oscar buzz. Its cast of Oscar-nominated actors Josh Brolin, Jake Gyllenhaal and actress Keira Knightley rose eyes and the visual spectacle that was betrothed for the screen was enticing.

While the film can be given a pat on the back for recording the biggest September worldwide IMAX opening with $7.2 million, it’s just as worthy, if not more so, to mention how far this film is from the cinematic mountain it’s trying to climb.

I saw this film in 3D and while the landscape is visceral and the visuals are inspiring, the hunger is there. This is Everest, one of the globe’s most enticing and dangerous endeavors. Surely there is more to offer than this.

Everest will make you feel the cold, and you’ll get chills down your spine, but they are the same chills you will get down your spine driving on the highway with your window down. It is not a tingle set aside for this film alone like it should be.

The tone changes whenever the plot requires it. Danger will set in but will soon flip to achievement when the group reaches the summit and then flip to something else in time for the next chapter of the story. Like Black Mass, which also received some Oscar buzz this past spring, the sincerity is absent and the tension is molded rather than birthed naturally.

The glamour and chill is there, but the tone that should accompany them is not. A very basic technique Kormakur samples is removing music from the film, instead allowing the silence to play to our ears. He lets our minds take hold of our emotions. This play requires us to feel connected to some partition of this film and since the motives of this expedition are never addressed, we find our hands grasping at air.

With a plot playing second fiddle to the true happenings of the story and tonal shifts too rampant, our cast of Oscar-nominated actors attempt to derive empathy from its audience. Connection to an audience can save a film. If audiences develop a care for the characters, they’ll be better engaged in the illusion of loneliness and cold that’s trying to be aroused here.

The script, however, especially in the dialogue department, competes with Everest for the Most-Barren-Item-On-Screen-Award. The dialogue is a sham and never diverts to themes of life, the pursuit of endurance, the empowerment of the human will, or the will to fight. Everything in this story is plot-based and call me cynical, but this plot is boring.

The characters, coupled with the writing, are the most downtrodden element of this debacle. Jake Gyllenhaal, who’s demonstrated great range in the recent films Prisoners and Nightcrawler, is flat-out ignored. Josh Brolin is given little screen time and Knightley is a sideshow. Jason Clarke is the high point of the acting gigs in Everest, but that isn’t saying much. The inability to originate emotion leaves an insensitive audience leagues from where the film should have wanted them to be: close and personal, engulfed in the snow and bitter wind.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Avengers: Age of UltronThe AvengersThe BabadookInterstellarChappie)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable GuyThe Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Black Mass, Enemy at the GatesAnchorman 2: The Legend ContinuesLeon: The ProfessionalEnemy)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Terminator: GenisysBlack SheepTwistedParkerHouse at the End of the Street)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (HerculesThe SentinelMad Max: Fury RoadBlitzThe Punisher)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (The Lost BoysZombeaversCrankErasedI, Frankenstein)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (CenturionPlanet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The VisitThe Fantastic FourThe Boy Next DoorThe ColonyIn the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (CyborgOutcastSabotageGallowwalkersTucker & Dale vs. Evil)

My score for Everest: 57.

With a small clap for the visual department set aside, a ride down the highway with your sleeves rolled up might bring as much cold and indifference as Everest will force upon you. Kormakur’s youth as a director is exploited, leaving more experienced Hollywood thrills taking instructions from a novice storyteller. Had a greater emphasis been put on the crisp detail and magnitude of Everest, it might not have been so easily noticed, but as it stands, Everest is more of a climb for the people who made it then the audiences who watched it.

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Movie Review: Sabotage

David Ayer’s Fury was an impressive war schematic for cinema, demonstrating some substantial character curves and atmospheric tension.

David Ayer’s Sabotage is the opposite.

Our film starts with a drug bust, which is to be expected. A couple of guys get shot and we get a couple of one-liners from our cast members, a cast that includes Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sam Worthington, Mireille Enos, Terrence Howard, True Blood‘s Joe Manganiello and Lost‘s Josh Holloway.

There are enough familiar names here that some drug-busting, gun-toting crime-fighting characters should be molded and utilized, yet Ayer spends no time in the creative process. The conflict is set up immediately following the drug bust, which was a mere ten minutes in.

Some films are meant to step on the gas straight out of the gate. You see this with a lot of Jason Statham films and other films that don’t have a lot of familiar names in them. This is partially due to script writing and partially due to not having the talent on-screen to exude character confidence. Films that have only one experienced actor will usually take this route.

However, with all the names I’ve listed above, it seems unnecessary to speed this process up. It feels like a misuse of the talent you’ve assembled. It also seems to be common to build apprehension in a crime-based film but when you press forward with such fervor it’s nearly impossible to accomplish any.

The introduction of a film is the most important because that is when audiences will decide to stay with the film or leave. If I wasn’t writing this review, I would have left. There’s no clincher, no hook to my interest. They run into a drug dealer’s place, shoot a couple guys, bag some money and leave. The fact that I talk like nothing happened is a testament to how unengaging the material is. A DEA task force should provide more lively content than this as well as more enticing characters.

Just like that, we’re already involved in an investigation of the squad. Where did the money go? Who stole it?

Nothing noteworthy is established about any of these characters before they’re being investigated, leaving audiences with little if any interest in subsequent events.

Yet there was still hope here if the film began its character writing in the midst of this investigation, similar to what writer James Vanderbilt did in John McTiernan’s Basic.

Director David Ayer, who aided Skip Woods in the film’s screenplay, passed on that avenue also. The investigation is instead skipped over entirely and serves only as a blight on the characters’ reputations.

The writing worsens from there and looking at Skip Woods’ past work, it shouldn’t have been a surprise. The A-Team was the only film that I felt he found success with. Aside from that, his last three have been X-Men Origins: Wolverine, A Good Day to Die Hard and this garbage.

There are quite a couple of things that don’t make any sense during Sabotage‘s near-two hour running time, as well as some truly malignant dialogue. To reveal an example, John “Breacher” Wharton (Schwarzenegger) and investigator Caroline Brentwood (Olivia Williams) are arguing about why people from his unit start showing up dead:

Wharton: “You spend enough time on the job, the job fights back.”

Brentwood: “That’s bull****.”

That is but one example of a plethora of decrepit combinations of words that will barely satisfy the term “writing”.

The level of writing in their scripts forces the film’s performance onto the shoulders of the actors, who have name recognition but not the talent to make a poor film breach the bearable barrier. Olivia Williams is especially cancerous here, both in acting and in the character she plays.

Which leads me to Schwarzenegger. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnie were the top-notch stars of the late 70’s, 80’s and 90’s and starting in the late 2000’s, have slowly begun to fall off the horse.

If you exclude the Expendables films, it’s difficult to find the last good film these guys have done where they had a substantial role. Bruce Willis’ would be Live Free or Die Hard in 2007. Since then, he’s starred in both Red installments, which I admit I haven’t seen; Surrogates, which was okay but not great; Looper, which I haven’t seen but apparently no one likes; and A Good Day to Die Hard, one of the worst movies of 2013.

Stallone’s Rambo in 2008 had the dark sentiment war films today are missing. It was a successful installment of the series, an example of what Willis’ A Good Day to Die Hard should have been instead of the butchering of the famous John McClane that it was.

Stallone’s other films haven’t been great but they’ve been far better than Willis’ and Schwarzenegger’s have been recently. The Escape Plan and Grudge Match were at least satisfactory. Not worth revisiting, but they weren’t a waste of my time. Stallone’s still got some hidden gems to work with and aside from the third Expendables film, hasn’t been too far off the mark.

Schwarzenegger has gone the longest without a hit film, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines in 2003. A large portion of that is because he was serving as governor of California, but his re-entry into Hollywood has been abysmal. The Last Stand, Escape Plan and Sabotage have been his newest three and if this is the best that Arnie can do, he needs to hang up the cleats for good. Truthfully, Willis needs to hang ’em up, too. Stallone is the only one really trying to produce quality films these days.

Arnie will always be famous for his great action flicks filled with corny one-liners that we all loved back then, but these films he’s starring in now just don’t work and only succeed in dragging what’s left of his reputation further into the mud. Just stop, Arnie, please?

The characters are hard to tolerate to top it all off, something I’ll elaborate it on in the spoiler’s edition.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Gone GirlMulanGuardians of the GalaxyDawn of the Planet of the ApesTransformers: Age of Extinction)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2Young Guns)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(SnowpiercerThe FamilyWhen the Game Stands TallBlack Hawk DownRed Dawn(2012))

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (House at the End of the StreetThe RavenDead SnowRubberHansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (ZoolanderThe Expendables 3HomefrontG.I. Joe: RetaliationVantage Point)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Teenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesBilly MadisonA Haunted House300: Rise of an EmpireCowboys and Aliens)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (CenturionPlanet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The GreyX-Men: Days of Future PastThor: The Dark WorldThe Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (GallowwalkersTucker & Dale vs. EvilSafeWatchmenClash of the Titans)

My score for Sabotage: 19.

I found myself reading through some of the reviews posted on Netflix. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. “Minus 10 rating. Worst I’ve seen here. Shut off after 1/3 through. It’s disturbing to read positive reviews about this for many reasons. I don’t know how Schwarzenegger could let himself be associated with it except for trying to keep a public image and to make a little money. See for yourself.”

I agreed with everything this guy/girl said except that last part. Don’t do that.

2. “Terrible movie. The ‘acting’ is flat. Characters are one-dimensional. Disgusting unimaginative dialogue and consists entirely of swears. I turned it off after 21 minutes. The movie deserves zero stars but one needs to assign a rating in order to submit a review.”

Did I write this one? I don’t think so but I almost thought I did. The amount of excessive profanity was needless.

3. “Gads, what low-brow, low-rent, trite trash. Cheap cliché after cheap cliché. Gave it 29 minutes. What a total waste. Watching this movie is like staring at an un-flushed toilet. On second thought, the toilet would be a better time. I like Arnold a lot, but this movie is a disgrace.”

I loved the toilet bit, sir.

4. “What a let down. Good people in it, but the script failed them (and us). Arnold’s acting was abysmal. This movie had more clichés than ANY I have ever seen, a 10-year-old could have written it (and perhaps did). Skip it and save two hours of your life.”

Man, these guys are making my life really easy. I should do this more often.

5. “This movie is god-awful. It’s a prime example of why Schwarzenegger needs to end his career. Despite the success Ayer had in the recent war film, Fury, he dropped a fat goose egg with this loser. There’s a fair amount of clichés and despite a formidable cast, the acting is tasteless and almost at a high school level at some points. The dialogue is shuttered, the action is bland and it tries to make it more gross than it needed to be and yet that’s not even done well. This was stupid. Don’t watch this.”

That one is me. Take my advice. Don’t. Watch. This.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION

These DEA agents don’t seem to care about much of anything, including each other. When one of them dies in a train accident, they have a drinking party. It’s not one of those mournful ones that you would expect either. It’s a raucous, bring-in-the-stripper sort of ordeal. Truly disgraceful and a real way to get the audience to like you. Oh, wait…

The ending’s very anti-climatic and when we learn from our culprit why they started killing all of their former friends, they say, “Because they stole my money.”

I understand money can be a very powerful influence, but this person cut out their friend’s intestines and nailed their body to a ceiling. Like, what is going on here? Was this character always this crazy? There are so many questions about the motivations here that are glossed over.

Our main character, played by Arnie, when the group starts getting paranoid that one of their own is doing the killing, says that all we have is trust. We have to trust each other.

At the end of the movie, Arnie admits to stealing the money, so he can pay off the Mexican police to tell him where the man who killed his wife and son is. What happened to we have to trust each other? He is at least partly responsible for all of his friends’ deaths because if he wouldn’t have stolen the money for himself, the poco locos wouldn’t have come out and started killing everyone. Maybe it would have happened down the road but at least he wouldn’t have been responsible for it and we wouldn’t feel like the main character was a phony the entire movie.

 

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Movie Review: Clash of the Titans

A bonus brother edition for this piece of villainous torture awaits. Continue on if you dare.

It seemed, based off of friends, colleagues and public opinion, that people had come to a universal agreement: Clash of the Titans is terrible. However, I’d never seen it. My brother Chris has though but couldn’t remember much of anything from it. Useless as usual. So I did what I usually do: I decided to give something a go and find out for myself.

Watching Clash of the Titans is not “giving something a go”. It’s like subjecting yourself to a terminal disease, a disease that destroys the cells of the eyes, ears and mind all in one fell swoop. It’s so egregious. Sam Worthington was good in Terminator Salvation and Avatar but I guess he wanted to get out of the acting gig or something because if there was a way to put a closed sign on your career, this is a pretty brutal way to do it.

Watch as Hollywooders that I’ve become fond of join forces to give audiences the finger in this colossal clash of ineptitude and incompetence. Worthington lends his services to director Louis Leterrier, who not two weeks ago I commended for his work on the Transporter films and on Now You See Me. Leterrier sent a clone to work in his stead or lost his mind with this dumpster of a film. Don’t blink or you’ll miss one of the worst screenplays brought from print to picture. There is expositional dialogue coming from every cardinal direction and up and down, yet it’s not enough background information because there is still plenty of things left unstated, unexplained and forgotten like the audience had the memory retention of an infant. No laws of physics, human limitation, common sense, or logical input were packed for this voyage across a wasteland weighed by nonsense, fallacy and stupidity, a voyage that can not be forgiven or overlooked because not even the action sequences are mediocre let alone spine-tingling. Any standards you may have for film should be left at the door. This movie has one standard and one standard only: suckage.

Chris: Kristen Stewart’s clone is revealed in Alexa Davalos and her puzzled face while you watch Worthington yell excessively at nothing like a dumb lion. There are many scenes of him staring around as if the story is being made on the spot. Watch 900-year-old Grandpa Hades try to walk around with a broken back.

Tim: Among the many things that don’t make sense that I’d like to touch on: A bad guy’s blood turns into giant scorpions. That’s not the problem with this although it certainly could be in a different film. The problem with this scene is that said bad guy disappears in the middle of the desert but shows up next to Medusa’s temple later for plot convenience even though he can’t fly or summon a Pegasus.

Then there are these guys. What is that supposed to be? According to the film, it’s a non-human desert sorcerer known as a Djinn. However, the designers couldn’t seem to decide if they were trying to make Ents from Lord of the Rings or mummies from The Mummy. Minimal entertainment was to be had with this leader of the Djinn but it was to be short-lived because like the extremely few good things in this movie, he must die.

What is going on?! There is so much “I don’t know what is going on” happening in this film that there’s really no need to have a plot at all. You should just throw it out and throw a bunch of sporadic weird stuff that leaves us clueless. Oh wait, you just did that!!!

Unnecessary scenes flood the running time and oh my gosh, this is so dumb.

Chris: This film is full of unnecessity. There are three witches looking through one eyeball! In another part, Perseus is given a scorpion shield and told it is very powerful, but we just watched them kill that scorpion by stabbing it in the back so, uhh? I felt there were more scenes of Sam Worthington staring at nothing than there was fighting, and that ticked me off.

Tim: Plenty of these unnecessary scenes are corny, overdone and do nothing to push this story forward. It drags it down like an anchor instead. Aside from the Djinn and actress Gemma Arterton, this film has nothing visually that attracts my attention. Medusa’s animation is to be expected, the Kraken looks far too much like a rancor from Star Wars and everything is just so bland and uncoordinated. Clearly they didn’t have a drawing session when they decided to make the rancor, I mean uhh, the Kraken, that’s it. My mistake there.

The gods in Olympus don’t do anything, there’s no mentionable dialogue going on there and Liam Neeson is so underused considering how talented he is and how much of an effect he can have on a film if he’s just used the right way. If you make Liam Neeson look bad in a movie, your movie is pretty bad.

Chris: Liam Neeson must have been drunk or high doing this role, because he should have looked at this script and been like “uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?! HOW ABOUT NO!” *walks off set*

Tim: The music is often used in the wrong places as well, making it seem far too desperate. Ralph Fiennes as Hades is probably the most memorable role of the film but his lines, like everyone else’s, lack conviction and dynamics.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Dawn of the Planet of the ApesTransformers: Age of ExtinctionJack ReacherGodzilla, Secretariat)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Tears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2Young GunsCloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too.(MaleficentRise of the Planet of the ApesTransporter 2Battle: Los AngelesSkyfall)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (The TransporterSpeedGodzilla(1998)The Incredible HulkDisaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (The Starving GamesYou’re NextThorFull Metal JacketAlien Resurrection)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Billy MadisonA Haunted House300: Rise of an EmpireCowboys and AliensSerendipity)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Planet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice, The Contract)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (X-Men: Days of Future PastThor: The Dark WorldThe Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (A Haunted House 2Open GraveAlien 3Dark FuryMidnight Cowboy)

My score for Clash of the Titans: 18.

More than its fair share of poor acting, script mishaps, plot holes, unedited scenes and nonsensical material, Clash of the Titans is a borefest for an action film and as a film in general. Leterrier manages to destroy any fun that could be had with this. Even the ability to make fun of the disastrous contraption is ripped from us by the halfway point. To think, that all goes without mentioning this film features one of the worst third acts I’ve ever seen.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

Why is the third act so terrible? I’m so glad you asked. To start with, Medusa. If you know anything about Greek mythology, you know that Medusa was turned into a woman so ugly that anyone that looked upon her would turn into stone. This is fact. There are no exceptions. Well, this film decided to make exceptions because cinema. Similar to a “because I’m Batman” excuse, this film thought because it was cinema it had the right to do that. This is true. When you make your own movie, you’re allowed to make your own rules. This film decided to follow the mythology we all know, we look at Medusa, we die, blah, blah, blah. Once we’re actually taken to see Medusa, the film adds a rule in the middle of the movie. Apparently, Medusa can only kill humans because Sheik Suleiman, the leader of the Djinn, is captured by her and she stares at him to turn him into stone and it doesn’t work. Suleiman does not turn into stone and his eyes are wide open. In fact, he laughs in her face. Go to the 1:25 mark of this clip and see for yourself. So, apparently Medusa’s head does not work on everything after all which means retrieving her head to kill the mighty Kraken shouldn’t work either. Suleiman wasn’t using any spells or sorcery. He has his hands bound and he sits there and laughs in her face. The whole point of coming to the temple to get her head is pointless. However, this film than retracts that rule and decided that was only for that one instance. It works on everything but it just didn’t work that one time. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW SCREWED UP THAT IS???!!! That would be akin to making a movie about an everyday guy and having him jump off the Empire State Building and get up and start walking again without any blood loss or discernible injuries but then have a random thug shoot him and kill him!!! Everyone would say “well how come he didn’t die when he jumped off the Empire State Building” and the director’s only excuse would be this: because I said so ergo because cinema. That, my friends, aside from being a cardinal sin in the art of movie making, is so idiotic that words cannot describe it.

And so, Perseus runs to the city and saves the day from the giant mega beast Kraken in a record two minutes by showing him the head of Medusa. Surely that’s not the end though, right? I mean, they have to give us a decent fight scene to send us off, right? Oh, look, here’s Hades, here it is. That is what we all thought before we got this turd. In a mere 45 seconds, most of which is trash talk dialogue, Hades is gone. So, the mighty Kraken and Hades, the god of the underworld, are defeated in a total of a little over three minutes to conclude what is supposed to be the climax of the film but ends up being the exact opposite: a canyon of unending disappointment.

Chris: RAGE MODE – Do you enjoy watching people fight people? Me too! We must be friends. Do you enjoy watching giant monsters fight people? Hell yeah, me too! Then I have good news for you! SURPRISE. The great fight scene you expect to see with the monster and our great hero is all shown in the picture below. Isn’t it nice to see a giant fight in one still picture? -_-

 

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