Tag Archives: does anyone else not like horror movies

Movie Review: You’re Next

I’m not intrigued by horror movies most times. I’m not able to comprehend the thrill of watching people be savagely murdered nor am I able to attain the adrenaline rush the horror fanatics seem to always refer to in their reviews. When I think of a fun movie, I don’t think of a slasher flick, nor do I understand those who couple the two together. Doesn’t mean they’re wrong or I’m right, I just don’t get it.

Nonetheless, similar to my slight interest in The Purge (although the more reviews I read the less interested I got), I thought You’re Next had some potential. Those masks are creepy! Add to the fact that I’m not pissing my pants nor am I totally appalled by what I just saw, and it’s got me curious, although not enough to go to a theater and see it. So when I was playing Modern Warfare 3 on my friend’s Xbox 360, killing everyone that got in my way because I was in the zone, and he mentioned watching it and taking a break, despite my reservations toward doing so, I was like “what the heck?” So I sat down to watch a horror flick for the first time in a long, long time.

As I said wrote earlier, I read some reviews on it so I did know a little of what happens although it had been a while since I read them so the movie wasn’t entirely spoiled for me.

A family reunion doesn’t last long before visitors from Animal Farm (get the reference?) decide to stop by for a killer-party (haha, I’m so funny).

The acting in this is egregious, putrid, and sickening (I’m soooo punny!). One of the main problems I have with horror films is that they’re so stereotypical. The characters are so bland, unoriginal, and are ill-fated (PUN) as soon as they hit the big screen. The family already comes across as a bunch of snobs that you already want to die and we’re only like fifteen minutes in, yet another stereotype the horror genre loves to take a ride on. Films like these want audiences to want the victims to die, which is incredibly sadistic although very true for some of these movies. It is just a movie after all, right? As I was saying, just no acting ability here asides from our warrior princess Erin, who’s a survivalist nut because her dad is paranoid and they lived in an Australian outback, which came out of thin air but whatever. I guess as long as they give you some sort of reason why she’s so good at killing things, even if it’s totally moronic, everything’s cool. Erin’s played by Sharni Vinson, who shows some character depth even if it is a minute portion and there is some talent there. If given a better script, perhaps she could do more than she did here.

A weak storyline but I already mentioned this is as clichéd as Samuel L. Jackson is an African-American right? I’m playing, I love Samuel L. Jackson, but who wrote this script? Did an intern write this or what happened here?

The kills themselves are the only things that show the least bit of creativity and they don’t get so gory that you want to throw up, which I greatly appreciated. Only some of the kills are actually creative, with most of them being ones that Stevie Wonder could have saw coming (man, I’m in a good mood today!!!).

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (ScroogeThe Secret Life of Walter MittyThe Green MileThe Lord of the Rings: The Two TowersThe Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (PoseidonIron ManLone SurvivorThe Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Next Three Days)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Usual Suspects21 Jump StreetEscape PlanCaptain America: The First AvengerDawn of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss GoodnightDisaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Along Came PollyAliensAlien ResurrectionFull Metal JacketThor)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch BlackAlienSerendipity)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and PrejudiceRedemption)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All FearsThor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark FuryAlien 3)

My score for You’re Next: 54.

There is some “entertainment”, if that’s even what you would call it, to be had with You’re Next, but if you’re looking for a horror movie that will leave a lasting impression on you, this is not the one you’re looking for. Far too cliched and unsurprising at many points, this film doesn’t have you jumping out of fright or out of entertainment. The only thing this movie really accomplishes is causing you to raise your shoulders every time you go into public from the fear of having your throat slit for the next few days.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

The family is also stereotypical because they’re just so stupid. It’s like they’re trying to kill themselves! Once the terrorist Tariq takes a bolt to the forehead, everyone gets up and runs around like a bunch of dumbfounded kindergarteners until Drake takes one in the back of the shoulder. Only then does everyone decide to get on the floor. Guess an arrow to the head wasn’t enough warning: “hey…hey…hey you people….you might wanna…..I don’t know….get down?! Anyone at all? No takers? Okay, here comes another one!!!”

When they try their phones and realize they can’t get a signal, they decide that someone should run outside and try to get a signal and call for help with no weapon or protection of any sort. Unless you have a world-class Olympic sprinter in your family (looking at you, Usain Bolt), this is not a good idea at all!!! You don’t know how many are out there but I’d be surprised if they outnumber you cause there’s like nine of you right now, but whatever, go for it. Probably won’t work out well for whoever decides to run. Then the daughter, Aimee, runs herself to death literally, running her throat into garrote wire. Don’t mean to say I told you so, but…

The mother has something wrong with her although we never find out what it is because it’s a horror flick. It’s not trying to make us smarter or anything. Definitely a mental problem although this whole family seems to have one because they decide to put her upstairs on the bed ALONE BY HERSELF?!!! Have they never watched a horror movie before and/or they oblivious to common sense or anything resembling it?!!! You stay alone you die, everyone knows that, even the homeless people got educated on that lesson (man I’m terrible today, truly sorry if I’m offending everyone, but aaaaahhhhh! So stupid!!!)

By the way, I called the guy coming out from under the bed. Way too easy. Then everyone comes up and I’m like, “well, if I was him, I’d go back under the bed again so they should probably check under there when they’re all in the room so he has no way out”. Then I was like, “Ohh, they chose secret option B, come into the room to find your mother/wife dead as if you didn’t have even the slightest thought that this could happen, then go back downstairs.” Seems legit, I guess, oh wait, normal brain function activating…..NOOOOOO!!! You stupid people!!! Why does no one have a weapon yet except Erin?! Do you want to live?!

Drake’s wife goes back upstairs to check the room, more specifically under the bed, ALONE AND UNARMED! You know who are really easy to kill? People who are alone and unarmed. Just wanted to throw that out there in case you didn’t know that, lady. She finds he’s still under there and runs back downstairs screaming, doesn’t let anyone know “oh, by the way there’s a psychopath under the bed upstairs”, instead running out the front door with a homing beacon screaming out of her vocal chords in case no one knows where she is.

I was surprised Zee and Felix were in on the murder escapade, because my money was on Erin’s boyfriend, Crispian, who I ended up being right about anyway.

Final thing: Erin is probably just as much a psychopath as these murderers are because she’s better at their jobs, which is killing people! She doesn’t just kill these people, she makes them unrecognizable. Like I get it, you’re scared, you don’t want to die, but you seem pretty calm right now smashing that log into that guy’s face and that meat tenderizer into the back of that guy’s head. Then she puts the pairing knife through Zee’s head and breaks a blender, impales it into Felix’s head, and then turns the power on for an added bonus so we can enjoy a brain slurpee? What?! How is this chick normal? This movie is chaotic.

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