Tag Archives: bad horror movies

Movie Review: Most Likely to Die

Image result for most likely to do movie posterMy head hurts. It really does. I was bound to find one of these.

Most Likely to Die demonstrates everything that I hate about the horror genre. At times, horror can be a hollow structure, with support beams but no interior design, let alone the presence of a room. All that’s there is an illusion of order, like a paper bag: plain, ordinary and unfortunately, susceptible to being overfilled with as much garbage as possible.

Had Most Likely to Die been titled Most Likely to Suck, I would have enjoyed this film a lot, lot more. It would have admitted from the get-go, “Hey, this sucks. We’re not trying.” Alas, that was not the case.

Most Likely to Die is lost from the start. It has an unhealthy obsession with the Scream franchise. It really wants to be Scream, more than anything. It never bothers to be itself and we’ll never know what personality this film ever had because it was too busy being something else.

It is cigarette butts. It is a tasteless lollipop. It is a farce. Most Likely to Die is a disfigured abhorrence of a piece. It is that friend in your group who loves singing but sounds like a smashed cuckoo clock. No matter how much you try to be the best friend you can be and tell her that’s not where her talent lies, she’ll hear nothing of it. She’s the friend who reads plenty of articles about empowerment, especially the ones that tell her what she wants to hear: that’s she’s great at everything and can do anything, which, to put politely, is a line of horse manure. She lives in her own little bubble of glorified lies that benefit her psyche and project the trajectory she wants: to become a Broadway star. She takes a metaphorical sledgehammer to any beautiful sound you’ve ever heard and a scalpel to the recesses of your mind that contain any sort of musical pleasantry. She cuts you, forever reminding you of the cacophony that you had to listen to from this oblivious human being who’s more likely to give you a concussion than any remote sense of euphoria.

There’s never any cell reception. There has to be a superficial romantic conflict laid over top. Stupid romances in stupid horror movies are stupid but stupid can’t recognize stupid because stupid.

I hate even spending my time talking about films like these.

This is a blueprint crafted with a broken crayon from TGI Friday’s and a slip of used toilet paper from a gas station outhouse. It’s filled with characters taken from straight-to-DVD remakes and casting choices that weren’t good enough for a movie on the Hallmark channel or a segment on MTV or a byline in the school play. The writing is penned from a man who says, “Oh, look how clever I am” whilst miming a professional sign twirler, pointing to the “clever” kills with screaming LED lights that carry a bill that makes the mansion down the street’s electricity bill from their always obnoxious Christmas light display look like a penny in an oil drum. The horror is far too hardy har har. If anything, it feels like a overly sophisticated prick slapping you in the face with his fresh white glove in one hand and holding a posterboard that says, “It sucks and you’ll like it” in the other. When confronted about his actions, he has the nerve to say, “What? It’s a joke.” No, sir. It is an offense. You deserve to be locked in a closet for a day. I’m done with this hot garbage.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Captain America: Civil WarDeadpoolAvengers: Age of UltronThe AvengersThe Babadook)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Olympus Has FallenThe Cable GuyThe Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of Tomorrow)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The InvitationHushGhostbusters (2016)BatmanFree State of Jones)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Jason BourneSuicide SquadBatman ForeverThe CrowHardcore Henry)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (UnderworldThe Do-OverX-Men: ApocalypseD-Tox/Eye See YouConstantine)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Underworld: EvolutionBatman & RobinBloodsportWar, The Ridiculous 6)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Independence Day: ResurgenceThe Crow: City of AngelsCenturionPlanet of the ApesStonados)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (Avalanche SharksCatwomanThe GunmanThe VisitThe Fantastic Four)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Coed and the Zombie StonerThe Forbidden DimensionsCyborgOutcastSabotage)

My score for Most Likely to Die: 33.

I got to see two true horror films in Hush and The Invitation but I was bound to run into a film like this. Ugh. Let’s move on.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Movie Review: The Visit

 

M. Night Shyamalan became a hit when 1999’s The Sixth Sense provided one of the biggest twists in cinematic history. Following his huge hit was 2000’s Unbreakable and 2002’s Signs and while neither were of the same caliber as his original thriller, he was still on the same track. Then came 2004’s The Village, one of many disasters to come, including Lady in the Water, The Happening, The Last Airbender and 2013’s After Earth.

From 2004 on, M. Night Shyamalan’s career has slid down a Porta Potty of crud-filled, vomit-inducing, money-shredding, frostbitten, magma-covered gore that would sicken any sensible human being but would only further inflate the ego of the Indian import.

And yet, after all of the crushed dreams of fans, the seemingly innumerable actors that have been humiliated in front of his lenses and the many studios who have lost more than their wallets thanks to his reckless pursuits, critics wonder if anything close to The Sixth Sense could still be conjured by his witchcraft. The Sixth Sense was such a landmark in film that’s it difficult for film loyalists to believe it was all a fluke and so, Shyamalan is given chance after chance. This has no doubt spurred his self-obsession beyond its bounds and in return, he’s managed to corrupt his latest pursuits to new highs. No matter how potent or impotent an idea is, no matter how much or how little talent he has in front of him, no matter how boundless or constricted his budget is, Shyamalan has time and time again demonstrated his undying consistency for creating boisterous failures of altitudes that many Asylum films, cheap projects that were meant to demonstrate absurdity, can applaud.

Shyamalan is without question the biggest joke in the Hollywood spotlight and yet when the discussion of Shyamalan’s latest exploits arise, the continued question of, “Could he come back?” is served and pondered for the umpteenth time. With so little evidence of improvement or creative life in his work, it would seem hazardous if not unprofessional for me to answer in the affirmative, yet this is how I have answered every time. The Sixth Sense is too strong, as was Signs, for Shyamalan to be a fluke.

Well, today is the day I play my violin to a different tune because The Visit is Shyamalan’s final straw with me. I am done. Forgiveness is not something that can be earned. It can only be bestowed by someone who believes their offender is sincerely sorry for their transgressions and will better themselves for the future and I refuse to believe that Shyamalan fulfills either requirement.

To start with, enjoy found footage? The correct answer is no. The found footage technique made popular in the horror genre is by far the laziest production tactic I have ever seen in any film pursuit. You could not care any less about your product aside from strapping that camera to a puppy and hoping by the grace of God he would travel in the direction you require him to and in a stable enough manner that your audience could discern what was going on, yet I would wager that not only has this been done before but that it has been done to a higher degree than it has been done by some of the actors engaged in these projects. In very few films has this quest led to success or to creative visuals. Having people jump in front of an immobile camera and make a scary face is not scary. That is a task anyone with a head on their shoulders could replicate.

Well, put your hands together, because Shyamalan has completely given up on directing the lens for this endeavor. It’s part of directing, hell it’s part of the storytelling, but at this point, Shyamalan just doesn’t care I guess. Shooting scenes is an art in and of itself, providing audiences with unique angles and perspectives that we wouldn’t have if our actors were to say, have a GoPro on their head. We’re one step away from that here. One step.

To call The Visit frustrating is putting it lightly and more importantly, pleasantly. No matter how hard I tried, there is no way I could tell you how many times my fingers went through my hair in agitation and indiscernible angst. I’m struggling to find the words to demonstrate what pain was going through me. It is crippling how dumb this is. Your whole body just wants to quit. You can practically hear it screaming, “Free me!” as if it’s been imprisoned by a crazed fiend from an alternate dimension. You can hear the angel of smart decisions on your shoulder giggling, whispering, “This wasn’t one of them.” There were times when I contemplated breathing, contemplated life and my existence, but none of these things happened during my viewing of The Visit.

No, what happened during The Visit was not philosophical nor did it involve any level of thinking. I could feel the brain cells dying inside my head and I could hear my head echoing, there was so little going on up there. I have not felt that empty-headed and that devoid of emotion in a long time.

If The Visit succeeds at anything, it is its undeniable ability to remain less interesting than a corpse its entire first half. A corpse has an intimidating presence and crisp detail. On the flip side, Shyamalan’s storytelling carries no tension, hook or delicacy to it. The solemness, atmosphere and unsettling tinge that Shyamalan used to so easily create has never been rekindled.

Shyamalan attempts to shoehorn comedy into the script, lows I never thought he would dive to but evidently I was wrong. Said comedy serves as a great antagonist to building up what makes a film scary, like conflict, suspense, you know, basic stuff. Cracking a joke lightens the mood and relieves all of that tension in one quick swoop. Shyamalan serves as an obstacle to his own film.

The character writing from Shyamalan is so weak that it’s genuinely difficult for me to blame the participants in Shyamalan’s latest debacle. Our two young protagonists who decide to visit their grandparents are so odd and out-of-place that it contrasts with what the tone of a horror film should be. It is a film removed from ominous decorum. Shyamalan mixes such a contrast of off-putting humor and desperate scares that he creates a concoction that hinders anything it could have achieved. Its chemistry emits such an imbalance that it’s like riding an off-kilter seesaw. Bumbling up and down with no center of gravity, remaining directionless (play on words intended), the purpose is lost in the chaos and all you can think about is when you can get off this outdated charade of a contraption.

This movie was so scarring I could feel my mouth hang agape and saliva collect in my mouth like a baby engrossed in a trance. My brain, had I been able to look at it, probably looked like scrambled eggs underneath a magnifying glass in the Orlando heat. It was roasting and by the film’s conclusion, it was an ashtray.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.  

90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Avengers: Age of UltronThe AvengersThe BabadookInterstellarChappie)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (The Cable GuyThe Cabin in the WoodsTears of the SunEdge of TomorrowThe Amazing Spider-Man 2)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Enemy at the GatesAnchorman 2: The Legend ContinuesLeon: The ProfessionalEnemySleeping with the Enemy)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Terminator: GenisysBlack SheepTwistedParkerHouse at the End of the Street)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (HerculesThe SentinelMad Max: Fury RoadBlitzThe Punisher)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (The Lost BoysZombeaversCrankErasedI, Frankenstein)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (CenturionPlanet of the ApesStonadosRedemptionPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Fantastic FourThe Boy Next DoorThe ColonyIn the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege TaleThe Grey)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (CyborgOutcastSabotageGallowwalkersTucker & Dale vs. Evil)

My score for The Visit: 25.

The last line of dialogue in this movie is, “And shit don’t taste like chicken.”

I am still in bewilderment that this line got past the first draft let alone the final copy.

With more decomposition and negligence than most of his films, The Visit is a strong candidate for the worst film of 2015. The film has gotten mixed reviews, some going so far as to call it a return to form for Shyamalan, but these same people are calling it cheap fun. In other words, no, no it is not. Don’t plan a visit to see The Visit.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Movie Review: You’re Next

I’m not intrigued by horror movies most times. I’m not able to comprehend the thrill of watching people be savagely murdered nor am I able to attain the adrenaline rush the horror fanatics seem to always refer to in their reviews. When I think of a fun movie, I don’t think of a slasher flick, nor do I understand those who couple the two together. Doesn’t mean they’re wrong or I’m right, I just don’t get it.

Nonetheless, similar to my slight interest in The Purge (although the more reviews I read the less interested I got), I thought You’re Next had some potential. Those masks are creepy! Add to the fact that I’m not pissing my pants nor am I totally appalled by what I just saw, and it’s got me curious, although not enough to go to a theater and see it. So when I was playing Modern Warfare 3 on my friend’s Xbox 360, killing everyone that got in my way because I was in the zone, and he mentioned watching it and taking a break, despite my reservations toward doing so, I was like “what the heck?” So I sat down to watch a horror flick for the first time in a long, long time.

As I said wrote earlier, I read some reviews on it so I did know a little of what happens although it had been a while since I read them so the movie wasn’t entirely spoiled for me.

A family reunion doesn’t last long before visitors from Animal Farm (get the reference?) decide to stop by for a killer-party (haha, I’m so funny).

The acting in this is egregious, putrid, and sickening (I’m soooo punny!). One of the main problems I have with horror films is that they’re so stereotypical. The characters are so bland, unoriginal, and are ill-fated (PUN) as soon as they hit the big screen. The family already comes across as a bunch of snobs that you already want to die and we’re only like fifteen minutes in, yet another stereotype the horror genre loves to take a ride on. Films like these want audiences to want the victims to die, which is incredibly sadistic although very true for some of these movies. It is just a movie after all, right? As I was saying, just no acting ability here asides from our warrior princess Erin, who’s a survivalist nut because her dad is paranoid and they lived in an Australian outback, which came out of thin air but whatever. I guess as long as they give you some sort of reason why she’s so good at killing things, even if it’s totally moronic, everything’s cool. Erin’s played by Sharni Vinson, who shows some character depth even if it is a minute portion and there is some talent there. If given a better script, perhaps she could do more than she did here.

A weak storyline but I already mentioned this is as clichéd as Samuel L. Jackson is an African-American right? I’m playing, I love Samuel L. Jackson, but who wrote this script? Did an intern write this or what happened here?

The kills themselves are the only things that show the least bit of creativity and they don’t get so gory that you want to throw up, which I greatly appreciated. Only some of the kills are actually creative, with most of them being ones that Stevie Wonder could have saw coming (man, I’m in a good mood today!!!).

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (ScroogeThe Secret Life of Walter MittyThe Green MileThe Lord of the Rings: The Two TowersThe Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (PoseidonIron ManLone SurvivorThe Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Next Three Days)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (The Usual Suspects21 Jump StreetEscape PlanCaptain America: The First AvengerDawn of the Dead)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss GoodnightDisaster Movie)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Along Came PollyAliensAlien ResurrectionFull Metal JacketThor)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch BlackAlienSerendipity)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and PrejudiceRedemption)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All FearsThor: The Dark World)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark FuryAlien 3)

My score for You’re Next: 54.

There is some “entertainment”, if that’s even what you would call it, to be had with You’re Next, but if you’re looking for a horror movie that will leave a lasting impression on you, this is not the one you’re looking for. Far too cliched and unsurprising at many points, this film doesn’t have you jumping out of fright or out of entertainment. The only thing this movie really accomplishes is causing you to raise your shoulders every time you go into public from the fear of having your throat slit for the next few days.

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

The family is also stereotypical because they’re just so stupid. It’s like they’re trying to kill themselves! Once the terrorist Tariq takes a bolt to the forehead, everyone gets up and runs around like a bunch of dumbfounded kindergarteners until Drake takes one in the back of the shoulder. Only then does everyone decide to get on the floor. Guess an arrow to the head wasn’t enough warning: “hey…hey…hey you people….you might wanna…..I don’t know….get down?! Anyone at all? No takers? Okay, here comes another one!!!”

When they try their phones and realize they can’t get a signal, they decide that someone should run outside and try to get a signal and call for help with no weapon or protection of any sort. Unless you have a world-class Olympic sprinter in your family (looking at you, Usain Bolt), this is not a good idea at all!!! You don’t know how many are out there but I’d be surprised if they outnumber you cause there’s like nine of you right now, but whatever, go for it. Probably won’t work out well for whoever decides to run. Then the daughter, Aimee, runs herself to death literally, running her throat into garrote wire. Don’t mean to say I told you so, but…

The mother has something wrong with her although we never find out what it is because it’s a horror flick. It’s not trying to make us smarter or anything. Definitely a mental problem although this whole family seems to have one because they decide to put her upstairs on the bed ALONE BY HERSELF?!!! Have they never watched a horror movie before and/or they oblivious to common sense or anything resembling it?!!! You stay alone you die, everyone knows that, even the homeless people got educated on that lesson (man I’m terrible today, truly sorry if I’m offending everyone, but aaaaahhhhh! So stupid!!!)

By the way, I called the guy coming out from under the bed. Way too easy. Then everyone comes up and I’m like, “well, if I was him, I’d go back under the bed again so they should probably check under there when they’re all in the room so he has no way out”. Then I was like, “Ohh, they chose secret option B, come into the room to find your mother/wife dead as if you didn’t have even the slightest thought that this could happen, then go back downstairs.” Seems legit, I guess, oh wait, normal brain function activating…..NOOOOOO!!! You stupid people!!! Why does no one have a weapon yet except Erin?! Do you want to live?!

Drake’s wife goes back upstairs to check the room, more specifically under the bed, ALONE AND UNARMED! You know who are really easy to kill? People who are alone and unarmed. Just wanted to throw that out there in case you didn’t know that, lady. She finds he’s still under there and runs back downstairs screaming, doesn’t let anyone know “oh, by the way there’s a psychopath under the bed upstairs”, instead running out the front door with a homing beacon screaming out of her vocal chords in case no one knows where she is.

I was surprised Zee and Felix were in on the murder escapade, because my money was on Erin’s boyfriend, Crispian, who I ended up being right about anyway.

Final thing: Erin is probably just as much a psychopath as these murderers are because she’s better at their jobs, which is killing people! She doesn’t just kill these people, she makes them unrecognizable. Like I get it, you’re scared, you don’t want to die, but you seem pretty calm right now smashing that log into that guy’s face and that meat tenderizer into the back of that guy’s head. Then she puts the pairing knife through Zee’s head and breaks a blender, impales it into Felix’s head, and then turns the power on for an added bonus so we can enjoy a brain slurpee? What?! How is this chick normal? This movie is chaotic.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Movie Review: Alien 3

The third part of the alien quadrilogy was viewed by yours truly and some of my friends on Friday night. It was, without question, one of the worst decisions I have ever made in my entire life.

Sigourney Weaver refuses to leave a series that has some of the worst screenwriting in any movie series ever made. Alien 3 or Alien cubed, depending on how you want to read it, starts with Ripley, Newt and Bishop from the last movie on an escape pod after their latest escape from the alien-populated planet LV-426. The pod crash-lands on Fiorina 161, a small penitentiary of all-male inmates. Bishop is torn to shreds and Newt dies, leaving Ripley as the only survivor. People start dying and Ripley suspects aliens.

This plot sounds similar to some of the Riddick movies, specifically Pitch Black. People start dying and even though no one likes Ripley, they are forced to follow her as a leader.

The pace is even slower than in the first two. Dialogue between characters that in no way furthers the plot or does anything relevant for the movie is always happening. Why they are so focused on the dialogue in these movies, I don’t know. I don’t think most of us care about the characters in these alien killer movies and if we’re supposed to care, the filmmakers don’t try hard enough to make us care. They also expect us to wait for a whole two and a half hours so that they can do that. While the normal running time is 114 minutes, we watched the special edition, which was also one of the worst decisions of my life.

Everyone on the planet is British and it’s annoying. They have plenty of cuss words intertwined because apparently hearing British people randomly drop the f-word is hilarious to director David Fincher. The only problem is that it’s not. I don’t care about the characters at all and I got so bored with this movie that I started yelling at the TV, asking for someone to die already. We don’t care about the stupid dialogue! I don’t even know most of these characters’ names!

There are a lot of plot holes and some of the things that happen just don’t seem plausible.

All the scenes with the alien are dumb. Every death scene is the same. A quick zoom in of the alien’s face, the person gets pulled up and blood gets splattered on the wall. Next death is nearly identical. The whole point of horror movies is to make them suspenseful. You don’t want the audience to see what’s going to happen before it happens. You don’t want to make it overly predictable. This is one of the most predictable movies I’ve ever seen and it leaves me with a strong feeling of loathing.

Once again, if you’re new to my blog,  I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.

 90-100  It’s a great movie and definitely one worth buying. (Iron Man 3World War Z42Just Go With It)

80-89   It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Man of SteelMonster-In-LawWhite House DownJobsThe Truman Show)

70-79   It’s okay but I’ve seen better. It has its moments, but it has its flaws, too. (Shaun of the DeadSharknadoThe Usual Suspects21 Jump StreetEscape Plan)

60-69   It’s got plenty wrong with it but I still got enjoyment out of this one. (Pacific RimThe Long Kiss Goodnight)

50-59   This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Road to PerditionTotal RecallDodgeball: A True Underdog StoryAlong Came Polly, Aliens)

40-49   This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Patriot GamesThe Great GatsbyPitch BlackAlien)

30-39   Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30’s ironically define the 1930’s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (The ContractPride and Prejudice)

20-29   What did I just watch? Cliches, stupidity, nothingness, did I mention stupidity? Just…wow. (The Sum of All Fears)

0-19      Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (Midnight CowboyDark Fury)

My score for Alien 3: 5.

THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN!!! The characters and character development sucks, the action is extremely limited and lame, and it takes forever for something relevant to happen. It’s like a newborn puppy trying to run when it’s chained to a tank! It’s barely moving if at all! This movie was so bad that I couldn’t even watch all of it! Every time someone started talking, I fast forwarded because I really just wanted the movie to end already!!! IT’S SO FREAKING STUPID!!! How did this movie get 6.4/10 on IMDb and 42% on Rotten Tomatoes???!!! THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER!!! AAAHHHHH!!!

*SPOILER ALERT* IF YOU DON’T WANT THE MOVIE SPOILED, STOP READING!!!

*SPOILER’S EDITION*

First of all, Ripley won’t tell the doctor why she wants an autopsy done. If there’s a possible alien walking around, the sooner everyone knows about it the better.

Ripley decides they have to trap the alien in the toxic waste room, which has only one exit. They cover the air vents in flammable slime only to have one of the guys spreading the stuff in the air vent get attacked by an alien and drop his flare, which lights everything on fire and kills half of the inmates. However, the alien is trapped and there’s no way for it to get out. Well there’s this one crazy inmate tied up to a bed and he talks one of the other inmates into letting him go. He unties him and the crazy one hits him in the back of the head and knocks him out. The crazy one says, “I want to see it again.” WHAT?! He goes down to the vat and slices the throat of the inmate guarding the door, opens the door and walks in. The alien runs out of the room shortly after. We never see the crazy one again so who knows what happened to him. Yeah, he probably died but I would have liked some confirmation. Why the hell did the guy need to see the alien again? I would have liked a better explanation then “oh, he’s crazy”.

Ripley’s not feeling well and gets a cat-scan, which reveals that she has a mother queen embryo in her stomach. She realizes that’s why the alien didn’t kill her after killing the doctor, Clemens, because it knew that she was raising a queen. Ripley finds Dillon, the leader of the inmates and asks him to kill her. WHAT?! You just found out that the alien won’t attack you, which means that you can just walk up to it and stab it in the face, killing it yourself without anyone dying, and instead you ask Dillon to just kill you, which would effectively be like hanging themselves? How is Ripley still alive when she’s so stupid?! Dillon has to remind her how to use her brain, refusing to kill her until she helps the inmates kill the alien. Ripley realizes she’s stupid and agrees to help, only she doesn’t do anything! Rather than just walking up to it and killing it, which we already know is possible, Dillon and Ripley decide to try to lead the alien into the molding facility so they can drop hot lead on it. Once again, they don’t need to make this plan so damn complicated. All they have to do is give Dillon’s axe to Ripley and she can go kill it because it won’t attack her, but no, that would make sense and mean that the movie would end a whole half hour early, and we want to make sure the audience is bored out of their minds for as long as possible, said the filmmakers. So the group runs the alien through a bunch of doors, so many that the audience doesn’t even know which way the characters are going. The doors continue to shut until an inmate runs into one and then the alien kills him because the inmate doesn’t have anywhere to go. This game of cat-and-mouse is going to end the same way every time for the next fifteen minutes but the inmates continue to play it anyway because everyone is stupid. Eventually, Ripley finally decides to intervene and she traps the alien in a corner and starts battling it and the alien refuses to attack Ripley. “Finally,” I said to myself, “it’s about time someone in this movie displayed some sort of intelligence.” But wait! Dillon decides he doesn’t want to end the movie so soon and is more interested in killing it with the molten lead even though it can be ended right now, so he pulls Ripley away from the corner and runs away with her, allowing the alien to get out of the corner. Ripley gets to the molten lava lever and Dillon stays behind in the mold to draw the alien in, making a sacrifice that he didn’t have to make if he would have just let Ripley kill the alien in the corner five minutes ago. It makes no sense and it was a HUGE waste of time.

Alex has told me the fourth one is even worse than this one, but I don’t know how that’s possible seeing how bad this one was. I hope he’s wrong, but I guess we’ll all find out when I write my review on it. Until next time guys.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
CCY's Movie Reviews

Movies Worth Sharing!

Days Gone

Meeting the insanity that is reality

500 CRAPPY WORDS A DAY

Imperfection is Perfection

vinnieh

Movie reviews and anything else that comes to mind

emmakwall (explains it all)

Film & soundtrack reviews, good humour and lists

pickoftheflix

EMPIRE'S 301 GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME REVIEWED - to watch or not to watch?

Shit Jon Gruden Says

"Spider 2 Y Banana Shake?"

kylerehm005

I will show the world( or whoever reads this) my passion for movies, sports, life and Jesus

ramblingsofsam

A place for sharing, fleshing out, and fine-tuning thoughts and ideas

Mr. Movie's Film Blog

Film and Anime Reviews - New and older releases!

Thomas J

My Journey Through Film

SnapCrackleWatch

A blog dedicated to television and movies

The Cinema Monster

unparalleled film reviews, news, and top 10s

Silver Screen Serenade

Praising the high notes and lamenting the low notes of all things film and television

Cinema Parrot Disco

Musings on Mainly Movies from a Table 9 Mutant

wordsofwistim

For those searching for wistim regarding life, sports, movies and more