My head hurts. It really does. I was bound to find one of these.
Most Likely to Die demonstrates everything that I hate about the horror genre. At times, horror can be a hollow structure, with support beams but no interior design, let alone the presence of a room. All that’s there is an illusion of order, like a paper bag: plain, ordinary and unfortunately, susceptible to being overfilled with as much garbage as possible.
Had Most Likely to Die been titled Most Likely to Suck, I would have enjoyed this film a lot, lot more. It would have admitted from the get-go, “Hey, this sucks. We’re not trying.” Alas, that was not the case.
Most Likely to Die is lost from the start. It has an unhealthy obsession with the Scream franchise. It really wants to be Scream, more than anything. It never bothers to be itself and we’ll never know what personality this film ever had because it was too busy being something else.
It is cigarette butts. It is a tasteless lollipop. It is a farce. Most Likely to Die is a disfigured abhorrence of a piece. It is that friend in your group who loves singing but sounds like a smashed cuckoo clock. No matter how much you try to be the best friend you can be and tell her that’s not where her talent lies, she’ll hear nothing of it. She’s the friend who reads plenty of articles about empowerment, especially the ones that tell her what she wants to hear: that’s she’s great at everything and can do anything, which, to put politely, is a line of horse manure. She lives in her own little bubble of glorified lies that benefit her psyche and project the trajectory she wants: to become a Broadway star. She takes a metaphorical sledgehammer to any beautiful sound you’ve ever heard and a scalpel to the recesses of your mind that contain any sort of musical pleasantry. She cuts you, forever reminding you of the cacophony that you had to listen to from this oblivious human being who’s more likely to give you a concussion than any remote sense of euphoria.
There’s never any cell reception. There has to be a superficial romantic conflict laid over top. Stupid romances in stupid horror movies are stupid but stupid can’t recognize stupid because stupid.
I hate even spending my time talking about films like these.
This is a blueprint crafted with a broken crayon from TGI Friday’s and a slip of used toilet paper from a gas station outhouse. It’s filled with characters taken from straight-to-DVD remakes and casting choices that weren’t good enough for a movie on the Hallmark channel or a segment on MTV or a byline in the school play. The writing is penned from a man who says, “Oh, look how clever I am” whilst miming a professional sign twirler, pointing to the “clever” kills with screaming LED lights that carry a bill that makes the mansion down the street’s electricity bill from their always obnoxious Christmas light display look like a penny in an oil drum. The horror is far too hardy har har. If anything, it feels like a overly sophisticated prick slapping you in the face with his fresh white glove in one hand and holding a posterboard that says, “It sucks and you’ll like it” in the other. When confronted about his actions, he has the nerve to say, “What? It’s a joke.” No, sir. It is an offense. You deserve to be locked in a closet for a day. I’m done with this hot garbage.
Once again, if you’re new to my blog, I’ve always ranked movies on a scale of 0-100 (I don’t know why, I just always have). Here’s the grading scale.
80-89 It was a pretty good movie and definitely one worth seeing, but it doesn’t quite scratch my top ten percentile. (Olympus Has Fallen, The Cable Guy, The Cabin in the Woods, Tears of the Sun, Edge of Tomorrow)
50-59 This movie isn’t intolerable but it’s not blowing my mind either. I’m trying really hard to get some sort of enjoyment out of this. (Underworld, The Do-Over, X-Men: Apocalypse, D-Tox/Eye See You, Constantine)
40-49 This movie is just mediocre. It’s not doing anything other than the bare minimal, so morbidly boring that sometimes I’m actually angry I watched this. (Underworld: Evolution, Batman & Robin, Bloodsport, War, The Ridiculous 6)
30-39 Definitely worse than mediocre, the 30′s ironically define the 1930′s, full of depression, lack of accomplishments, poverty and just so dumb. (Independence Day: Resurgence, The Crow: City of Angels, Centurion, Planet of the Apes, Stonados)
0-19 Watching this movie resulted in one or more of the following: seizure, loss of brain cells, falling asleep/unconsciousness, feel you wasted your time/day, accomplished nothing for you, left the movie knowing less about it then you did going into it, constantly asking yourself why you came to see this movie, or near-death experience. In short, staring at a wall was just as entertaining as watching this movie. This movie deserved a sticker or a label that said, “WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNT OF SUCKAGE.” (The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, The Forbidden Dimensions, Cyborg, Outcast, Sabotage)
My score for Most Likely to Die: 33.